The point of no return
by Spookysstarbuck
Summary: MerDer, AdDek, Rated M for later Chapters - One late September night Derek gets a call from a New York attorney ... I suck at summaries, the story is better ; - Derek POV, NEW - UPDATE : CHAPTER 23! ! R
1. Chapter 1

_Thanks to __**saramorezfan1**__ for giving me a beta and I know she had a hard time because English isnt my mother tongue. I havent written anything in ages, so this is something like my first piece. Additional I want to say, give me some time to let characters develop. Addison may seem OOC for some but we don't know what she thinks most of the time because it's Derek's point of view, except for her diary entries! So, give me some time, please!_

**The point of no return**

The sky was dark, clouds hanging low over the skyline of Seattle. It was another depressing rainy day that arrived in the early morning hours.

Derek was in bed next to Meredith. The wax in his ears couldn't stop him from waking up every two hours, sometimes every half an hour. There were nights he slept on the sofa, in on call room, just to get some sleep, enough to do his job the right way.

It's been nearly one and a half years since Addison left his life for L.A., since she moved on. Lately he had the impression that his life didn't move on, he felt pinned. In the beginning, the first weeks, he was glad that he hadn't had to see her crimson red hair, hear her voice or the high heels on the hospital floor. He didn't miss the arguments, the looks, the whispering about if Satan wears Prada today or not. No, he didn't miss it. But sometimes he misses the discussions, not only on medical terms, cases but also her mature point of view. Meredith was his girlfriend, his fiancée but sometimes she also seemed to be a teenager living in a house with her friends. He had asked her more than once if it's maybe the right time to have more space for them, only them – no friends, coworkers nobody else around. Meredith always answered that they are her family.

Family, another issue lately….

Derek got up, headed for the shower and drank some coffee. He thought about going for a run but the sky looked as it would start to rain within the next seconds. Meredith was asleep, the whole house was completely silent but suddenly his cell phone rang. Derek winced. After a few seconds of searching he found it in his leather jacket. The number was unknown to him.

"Dr. Shepherd speaking", he said wondering who would call at this early our. He glanced at the watch over the fireplace; it was just shortly after 5 a.m.

"I am sorry to call you at such an early hour Dr. Shepherd but I needed to reach you. My name is Frederick McGregor; I am the attorney of Savannah and Weiss Andrews. "Derek swallowed hard. "Do you have a few minutes for me or am I disturbing something," the voice from far away asked.

Derek sat down; put the coffee mug on the couch table. "No, you don't disturb anything. It is only shortly after 5 a.m. over here in Seattle. I guess you are calling from New York?"

"Yes. In this case I am really sorry that I probably have woken you up. I didn't know that you it was that early. Well, matter of fact is that I have to tell you some disturbing news." Derek sighed. "When was the last time you talked to the Andrews', Dr. Shepherd?"

"I think it's about two years ago. You know when …," he couldn't finish the sentence. Many things were running through his head. What could have happened? Why did an attorney call him? When Addison moved to L.A. he lost the contact to Weiss because it seemed like Addison got most of "their" friends after the divorce, most of his family too.

"Dr. Shepherd I need you to come to New York immediately. Savannah and Weiss were killed in a car accident a week ago. I tried to reach you before at the hospital number I have here in my folder but they told me that you would be in surgery, all the time." Derek felt tears rising in his eyes, felt his hands shake. "Why do you need me in New York," he asked slowly, tears in his voice. "I cannot tell you this over the phone but it is very important that get the next flight and please bring your wife…" Derek interrupted, "I don't have a wife, and we are divorced." "Oh…, I thought since I only have your number in the files that I would reach Dr. Addison Montgomery-Sheppard on this way too." "No, she is living in Los Angeles nowadays." Derek stood up, poured the coffee in the sink and leaned against the cold kitchen wall. "I would need her number", Frederick McGregor said. "Can I call her? Savanna is …. was her best friend," slowly he started to realize that Savanna and Weiss were gone, gone forever, "I think, I should talk to her."

Derek told the attorney to call him back as soon as he talked to Addison, as soon as he told her the most horrible news he could think of.

He heard a door opening on the first floor. Derek quickly put on shoes, grabbed his jacket and headed outside into the cold September rain. It wasn't even dawn yet, it seemed like the sun would probably never rise again.

What could his attorney want from him and Addison in New York? What couldn't he say over the phone?

Derek slowly drove to the ferry, getting to the trailer. He had to clear his head first before he could call Addison. How should he tell Addison that their best friends were gone? The last real friends he really had. Meredith's friends were like kids, all sleeping around, gossiping about everything and everywhere. He only spent time with them as a favor to Meredith, because he loved her. Sitting on the porch, watching the rain pour down which formed small river all over the terrain. It was cold, he was cold but he didn't feel it. His thoughts were all over the phone call.

This call made him realize that things were different lately. Things changed. He stared at his cell phone. Slowly he went through the address book and dialed Addison's number. He didn't know yet how to tell her.

It only rang twice. He knew that she usually kept her cell on the nightstand for emergencies.

"Derek," he heard her muttering in the phone. "It's …"

"Addison, I know that it is very early … god, I don't know … Addison I have to talk to you about something serious."

"Derek, it's in the middle of the night …"

"Addie, this is serious," he sighed again. She noticed in his voice that he was probably really about to tell her something very stern. "I need you to grab a robe and sit down somewhere." "I am in bed and I'd prefer to stay here." "Addison, once in this lifetime can you do what I say?" "Okay … okay …."

He heard her put the cell phone on the bed, getting up and grabbing her robe. He guessed if it was still the white silk robe he once bought her but all the thoughts were pushed away quickly when he heard her breathing into the phone again, knowing that she picked it up and headed downstairs to her living room. He knew that those thoughts were inaccurate now.

"So Derek, tell me what makes you call me in the middle of the night, getting me out of bed …"

"Believe me, I'd beg for a more joyful event to call you. Remember I am in the same time zone as you are, so ….", his eyes followed a twig drifting in one of the new formed rivers. "Addison, I got a call half an hour ago from Weiss' attorney …." She interrupted Derek with a soft "Oh my god", her voice shaking. "I don't know how to tell you …. There has been a car accident …. Savanna … Savanna and Weiss have been , killed." He was past the way of no return. He knew how she would react. She had lost of her best friends in med school because of a suicide. He remembered that she hadn't been eating for nearly a week. He stayed the 10 days at her side while she was curled up in bed, staring tearless against a wall. "Addison you have to get dressed now. You have to pack some cloths. I will book your flight to New York. I will try to get you on a plane tonight." There was a pregnant silence. "Derek, I don't know … I don't know if …. If I can do it," she mumbled. "You can Addison; you need to be strong now." He changed all his plans. She wouldn't be able to get into a plan on her own. She hated plane, flying.

Addison agreed on waiting for him. He heard the thankfulness in her voice. She was never good handling death in private. At work it wasn't easy either but she got used to it. In the early stage of their marriage they had spent a lot of time talking about death, patients died, they had to learn to deal with it.

Addison was a strong woman, rarely showing feelings to the public except for anger. Over the years of her teenage life she had built a wall around her, perfectly cold and massive. It had taken him months to break it down a little bit, to get behind it. Mark and Derek had been the only people who were able to touch her there.  
Her adult life didn't change it. The wall got thicker. She only showed what was needed of emotions to the public. She was a damn good neonatologist, a good boss to her residents but people always complained that she would be hard, cold, heartless – the Satan. But this wall had been built up to save her from her family, save her from all the pain they brought with them, save her from the hate in her mother's words when she came home drunk again, screaming at Addison and Archer, from the arguments her parents had all the time.  
But behind this wall she was a normal woman who cried in bed, who let tears run freely as soon as nobody could see. A woman whose heart had been broken and who knew, that it had been partly her fault. A woman who had learned to deal with the pain – drinking or not eating, sometimes a mixture of both but both always to a limit, to drawn her own pain and not hurt or kill her patients.  
Derek was one of the little groups of people who knew this vulnerable part of her, the one that doesn't wear Prada, Gucci, and Louis Vinton, the one that she also runs around barefoot in the sand and wears sweats at home and likes his flannel shirts.

But first of all he had to deal with Meredith eventually.

~*~

As soon as he opened the door to Meredith's house he already knew that this wouldn't be easy after all. Meredith hated Addison, hated their past. She never showed sympathy with any of it. It was his past and in her opinion he should get over it, quickly. She wanted to move on with him, plan their future together and not deal with his past, the ex-wife, a family which doesn't respect her ….

"Where have you been," Meredith nearly screamed in a kind of anger from the kitchen.

"Outside," he answered plainly. He had thought a lot, on his way home, how to tell her. His hopes were up that she would understand... "Listen Meredith, I need to go to New York today." When did he decide not to tell her yet that Addison is involved?

Now he stood in the kitchen opposite her and Derek could see the anger and astonishment. She opened her mouth and closed it. "Why do you have to go to New York?" she tried to sound as if she wouldn't are at all. He didn't buy it. He already knew her to well. "Look, I have an appointment there and it will probably only be a day or two, maybe three. I have to get some family stuff to a lawyer", he lied, "and the family lawyer is in New York, I can't change that." She nodded. "Meredith …" he tried to sound sensitive but his thoughts weren't in Seattle anymore, they were far away south, they were with Addison. "Don't Derek. Why couldn't you tell me before? I had plans for this weekend with you," she said in her childish way, putting on this puppy look. Reality was that they never had any plans. Meredith didn't like to go out, like Addison did. There weren't that many galas as in New York. No cinema, no theatre, and no opera – maybe some fishing trip for him but Meredith didn't enjoy killing fish at all.

Derek wanted to walk to her but he stopped himself and looked at her again. Her overly large flannel pajamas hang loosely on her thin body. Her hair was uncombed and probably need to be washed. Her nails short without any polish; on her feet she was wearing big doglike plush slippers. She looked like 17 maybe 18 not a year older. She smiled at him and he did his best to smile back.

Without further discussions he walked to their bedroom and backed cloths for a few days into his bag, formal cloths – Meredith noticed. Something that slipped her attendance was that he also put some keys and a jewelry box into it. She couldn't leave him alone; let him clear his head for his further assignment, to get Addison into the plane to New York.

It was shortly after 8 am and the next moment Derek looked at Meredith she was wearing jeans and a turtle neck. "I'll drive you to the airport, so you don't have to bother about the costs." As if he ever cared about the costs, he made a little over two million dollar a year but he never told her. "Thanks Meredith," he replied politely and headed downstairs.

The drive was rather silent; she didn't ask any more questions about New York, till she parked the car. "Will she be there too?"

"Who do you mean? Nancy?" Derek replied hoping to escape any further questioning.

"No, I mean Addison," she said while she took his free hand into hers.

"I don't think so. Why should Addison be in New York?"

"It's just been a gut feeling."

"I already told you more than once," he said with a smile, pulling her towards him", stop thinking with your gut." And laughed. God, he was a good actor, he thought. But what he couldn't know was that Meredith sensed something.

Inside he asked Meredith if she could buy him a coffee while he bought the ticket to Los Angeles. He couldn't tell her the truth, not yet. She wouldn't understand. He will have to explain it when he was back because this wasn't easy on him – the best friends dead.

~*~

"_Addison you have to eat something", he said for the tenth time in his hour, a bowl of warm soup in his hand, "Addie, it's not your fault that she did it."_

_Addison was staring at the wall. All tears have been cried days ago when Derek had to tell her that Lauren shot herself in the head after getting negative exam results back. Everybody knew that she was depressed that her mother and aunt had killed themselves years ago but nobody thought that she would ever do it. Lauren and Addison have been close, as close as Mark and Derek. _

"_I am not hungry", she mumbled and didn't even turn towards him._

"_Addison", he said louder with more force in his voice," if you don't eat, I have to admit you to hospital." _

_This discussion about being hungry or not took place every day for nearly nine days now. Derek was worn out. He had lost his father, he kind of thought he would understand how she felt but she didn't. Addison had seen it coming but didn't know what to do and she couldn't tell Derek about it. She blamed herself for the death of her friend.  
Her first reflex had been to drown the sorrow away in alcohol, a cure she knew from her mother and there it seemed to work but Derek was faster and lead her home, to his place, put all the alcohol away and called Weiss and Mark, his friends, to assist him, observing her. _

_It had been taking them ten days to get her out of bed, dress her all in black and more or less carry her to the funeral. She wasn't able to stand on her own, needed a friend on each side. _

_They never talked about her knowledge, they never asked. This experience draw them together, made them more an item. _

~*~

When Derek left the terminal he called Sam for Addison's address. They already have been wondering why she didn't show up at work. Derek told them the short version without any details because he didn't know any.

He stood in front of her beach house a couple of minutes. He knew, from Sam, where she kept the spare key and let himself in. He put his wet coat over a chair in the living room, looked out for Addison but he couldn't find her in the house. When he came back downstairs he saw the balcony door slightly ajar.

Now barefoot he headed out in the rain and noticed her sitting on the stairs to the beach, wet through and through. They didn't need words. He put an arm around her shoulders and led her back to the house. Addison standing there made him feel things he hadn't felt in ages. Her silk robe and pajamas were clinging to her body, wet from the rain. Derek nearly carried her upstairs, put on the hot water in the shower and but both of them under it. He didn't care about his cloths or modesty; he didn't want to have a sick Addison Forbes Montgomery on the plane to New York. She was a handful to deal with when she was healthy, especially when it came to flying, but a sick Addison which was also sad was an unbearable thing.

~*~

They weren't talking. She was sitting on the bed like a small child while he packed her stuff – cloths, cosmetics, shoes, jewelry. He had dressed her in black Prada pants, a black Ralph Lauren V-neck shirt and a matching cardigan. It was like she was in trance. He had been there with her once and knew how to handle it, not like a friend, wife or lover but like a patient. She didn't care about him seeing her naked. She didn't care about his fingers on her skin and he didn't care either. At this point he had to take care of her.

On the plane she was calm and quickly asleep. Derek had time to think about what the reason could be that they both were needed in New York. The attorney had made something like a secret out of it.

As her body softly fell on his, her head resting on his chest, his hands started to wander through her crimson hair. It was shorter than he remembered it but it still had the same smell of strawberries and vanilla. He had washed them himself. Her face was relaxed, her sleep seemed fearless.

He would need to talk to Meredith soon because he knew that he couldn't leave Addison alone in this state of mourning.

~*~

Addison seemed to handle her sadness a little bit better when the plane touched JFK. She wasn't talkative but they have been able to communicate without words for a long time – a look, a smile, a gesture. Small things let the other one knew. He bought her a skinny vanilla Late at Starbuck's and it made her smile. It wasn't hard to remember her taste in coffee – skinny milk, a double shot espresso and vanilla added, during winter it was gingerbread Late or Vanilla with cinnamon on it. Some things never change.

"Before we check into a ho…"

"No Derek, we'll stay at the brownstone."

"You didn't sell it?"

"No, why should I? Too many memories …."

"But …"

"Please." Without further argument the cab brought them to "their" old home. Standing in front he noticed to changes. In the pocket of his black jeans he felt the keys, the keys he had retrieved from his underwear drawer in Meredith's house. He unlocked the door, let them in. The cab driver brought the bags into the hall.

Looking around he remembered where the jacket, Mark's jacket had been the day he left this house forever. He remembered the voices. Derek had to shake his head twice to get those memories out of his mind.

It was already dark. She hadn't eaten at the plane. Derek ordered Pizza with shrimps, the way Addison liked it. The house looked exactly the same as before, nothing was missing, except for their wedding picture.

Addison was walking through the house, slowly making her way upstairs. While she was changing the sheets in the master bedroom and the guestroom Derek called mister McGregor back and made an appointment for the next day, 9am straight.

She remembered his favorite sheets, the dark red flannel ones. She had put them on in the master bedroom, symbolizing him to sleep there. For herself she decided to use the warm Italian ones with the paisley print on it. He had to smile.

He didn't need to talk her into eating. She came downstairs when the delivery boy brought the Pizza. Now she was wearing an old pair of sweat pants and an old sweatshirt of his, both had been in the wardrobe in the guestroom, waiting for him to come home and wear them.

"Tell me, how are things now in Seattle," she asked while biting into the crust of slice of pizza. He looked up at her and didn't know how to answer this question.

"Things are fine, I'd say. Nothing has changed. Mark is still Mark and Bailey still the Nazi," he tried to humor her. She smiled softly.  
"You didn't have to do all this," Addison said and put her hands up.  
"I know how you are feeling, Addie, I feel the same. I am still in a kind of shock."  
"Me too", she only replied.

She went to bed early. Derek was still sitting in the living room, watching the wall with all it's pictured on it. He had seen the picture somewhere but couldn't remember where.

When he walked upstairs he heard the shower running and went into his bedroom. Opening the drawers, he realized that she hadn't put anything away, let everything the way he was, the day he left.

She was about to lit the fire when he entered her room without knocking. "Do you need help," he asked, knowing that she liked to fell asleep on cold autumn days with the fire in the room. "That would be nice of you, I seem to have lost …", she said, turning away from him, giving him space. She wore one of his old robes, a dark red Burberry one; they had bought in London years ago.

She sat down in the love chair. "Do you want to talk," he asked, putting a hand on her thigh, feeling her flex under his touch, so he stopped it. "I don't think that I can Derek. I still don't understand why we are here. Why we had to go to New York together."

"Maybe you should go to bed, sleep a little bit. Our appointment is tomorrow at 9."

"Eventually I will," she replied when he left the room, leaving the door open.

Hours later he still could hear her moving, having a sleepless night himself. Clad in only boxers he moved to her room, seeing her eyes closed, moving vigorously. Derek sat down on the bed and moved behind her; as soon as he made contact to her body her movements slowed down and stopped completely after a few seconds.

They woke up when the alarm went on, the same way they have fallen asleep. Addison didn't ask him how and why he was in her bed. While he showered Addison made some coffee, dressed all in black.

When he saw her standing in "their" kitchen, he noticed that black really fit her. Her skin was more tanned than he had ever seen it before on her. Her hair was put into a bun; she had applied a soft makeup.

"Are you ready to go," he asked after he drank his coffee.

"Let's go.

~*~

"Good morning. My name is Frederick McGregor." They introduced themselves and sat down.

"As I told your hus….ex husband on the phone, Savannah and Weiss Andrews were killed in a car accident a week ago. We have tried to reach you, Dr. Shepherd, but I was unable to get hold of you and I couldn't talk on the mailbox about something serious as this." He drank a sip of water. "The reason, why I didn't call you, Ms. Montgomery is easy, I haven't had your number, only Derek's was listed the notice in case of emergency."

Addison nodded.

"I don't know how much you have been in contact with the Andrews lately. Maybe you could tell me …"

"After I moved to Los Angeles, 18 months ago, I only talked to Sav ones, shortly. I was in the middle of helping a mother giving birth to triplets naturally. I tried to call her back but didn't reach her. Things were busy down there …" Derek interrupted. "It seems like you got Weiss and Sav after our divorce, we haven't been in contact at all."

"When was the last time you saw them," the attorney asked, somehow with a peculiar look.

"After Savanna's surgeries I guess," Derek stared at Addison, "maybe three years ago?"

"Well, so what I will now tell you will probably be a shock though." McGregor looked at them, not able to know how they would react. "After Mrs. Andrews had her surgeries they decided to go through different options and decided to get a baby with help of a surrogate mother. I know all that because I helped with the legal stuff." Derek looked at Addison in state of shock and grabbed her hand, she didn't move away. "Lillian and Oliver were born ten months ago and are legally the Andrew's kids. So now I come to the point that involves you. You two probably know that neither Savannah nor Weiss had family, remember the painful death of Savanna's mom and her dad's plane accident when she was a kid. When the kids moved in with them after birth they asked me to help them with their last will. We went through things and the last point was who should take care of the kids if something happens to them." He took another sip of water and didn't hide his nervousness. "They decided that you two should take care of the kids."

Addison jumped out of the seat. "What"? We can't do that, there is no "us" anymore."

END PART ONE


	2. Chapter 2

The point of no return – part 2

"Calm down Addison… there will be a way. You could take them with you to California."

"Actually she can't. There are some basic rules. First of all you have to prove here in New York that you are able to take care of the kids before you can leave the state. Afterwards we will get through the adoption process but I will have to … I don't know how to explain this." He finished and handed a letter to Addison.

"_Dear Addison and Derek,_

_When you read this letter something has happened to us and you two need to deal with our miracles, Oliver and Lillian. We didn't decide it easily, knowing that we would give you a hard time dealing with the fact that we made you parents, from one second of the other. There were no other options for us, only the two of you.  
We don't want you to slip up the kids. Those were created to live in a family and Weiss and I ask you to give that to them. A family, parents.  
Our attorney McGregor knows families who also want kids and are willing to give them a family with two loving parents. He will have a close look on the two of you because we only want the best for our kids. If you say now that you cannot deal with it, let Mr. McGregor know and he will put the kids into a loving family.  
We know that we ask for a lot. We know that the two of you probably moved on but the two needs a save place, lot's of love …."_

Addison put the letter down, headed to the window and leaned against it; tears were running down her cheeks.

"Where are they now?" Derek asked McGregor.

"Derek we can't, we can't. How do you think we should handle it?" she said hysterically.

"They are at my place at the moment staying with a nanny but I can't do that for much longer. I hoped that you could take them with you today because they need to settle down."

"I can't", she repeated, "I can't."

Derek didn't move to her but went with McGregor to a separate room. "I know that this situation is hard on you, I told the Andrews that they should talk to you before writing this into their last will but they said that you would be able to deal with it, if ever needed. Seeing Ms. Montgomery now makes me doubt it."

"I know," Derek said with a sigh afterwards, "I will talk to her. When do you need our decision?"

"Now, would be nice, since I haven't been able to reach you for the past couple of weeks."

"Oh well. I have one question. How strict are the rules to play? I live in Seattle, she lives in Los Angeles, we moved on."

"Unfortunately I have to tell you that I can't give you a lot of space. They wrote it in their last will very clearly. This was only the letter which was meant for you. The will sets the rules in a very concrete way." Derek was only able to nod and asked McGregor to give them some privacy.

"Addison, sit down here, we need to talk". Without any further comment she sat down and stared at him, her eyes completely empty. "We can deal with it. We just have to make a plan."

"I can not. How do you want me to do that? Play house with Meredith? No, Derek, you can't ask for it, it is simply too much." He nodded. "Maybe, Addison, you can move to Seattle?" "Why don't you move to Los Angeles," she replied harshly, "why does it have to be me moving north again? I moved once after you and now I should do it again?"

She had made her point and she was right. Why should she go after him again, do as he asked her? He had never spend a thought on going to Los Angeles and he hadn't yet spend a thought on how to tell Meredith about all that, telling her that he lied to her? Going to Los Angeles would mean that Meredith would have to move with him and that would end in lots of arguments.

"Maybe we should take one step at a time? They want us to show that we can handle babies here in New York. It means that you would have to call Naomi and I have to call Richard to tell him that we need some more time off."

"Derek, I am not sure if I can handle babies. I don't know if I can take care of a baby. They ask for too much."

"No, they don't. I know this comes like snow in August but Addison, they trusted us to take care of their kids. Do you want them to spend the rest of their live with foster parents? I don't. I know how much a family means. I also know Addison," he said softly, touching her shoulder," that family is a hard topic on you. You can do better than your mother and the Major did. "Tears were running down her cheeks again and he couldn't see his ex-wife cry. He pulled her into his arms, let her head rest on his should and hold her tightly while the sobs softly ebbed away.

"Addie, I cannot do this alone, I need you in the boat," he said while making small circles with his thumb on her back, "I need you in the boat." Her reply was only a soft muttering, that she would try her best but can't assure anything.

~*~

Attorney McGregor told them afterwards that money wouldn't be an issue, not knowing that it has never been an end for both. McGregor didn't realize that Addison was a Forbes and one of the world best's neonatologists or Derek one of the best neurologists.

Derek arranged them to pick up the kids in the afternoon, called for a cleaning lady for the brownstone.

When Nancy, Derek's sister, called he was glad to talk to somebody, finally.

"Are you sure you can handle it, Derek?" she said with her soft, caring voice.

"Honestly Nancy, I don't know. I don't know if I can handle Addison alone, not talking of two babies. I haven't talk Meredith yet and I don't know how to handle future arrangements. I don't know anything at the moment but that Weiss was one of my best friends and that he asked us a favor. We have to try our best, I have to try. I don't know if we can work something out with the attorney; find a way to get around the "rules of the game".

Nancy understood what he meant. Unfortunately she was in Europe at the moment, touring her first book on psychology. He would have loved to have her over here, to help them.

"You have to call Meredith, Derek, you have to tell her the truth." And he knew that she was right. It was their first full day in New York, his second away from Meredith. She would be waiting for him to come home tomorrow. He had to call her.

"Addison, I need to get out for a few minutes, walk a little," he said walking out into the cold New York wind. He was walking and arguing with himself. She picked up after the first ring, like she would have been sitting on her cell. The first lines were friendly, about work, her friends and other polite things. "Meredith, I have to tell you something, well, I have to tell you a lot to be honest." He took a deep breath, feeling the cold wind in his lungs, "Things turned out quite differently as I thought they would, Meredith. I will have to stay here longer than I thought, probably a month, I think … and …. I have to be honest Mer … Addison is here too and has to stay with me." "Derek, what the fuck do you think you are doing?", she nearly shouted into the phone. The whole house was probably now around her waiting to her "the" story. He tried to tell her about the will, the babies, and rules. He tried to sound caring, friendly, and polite. Derek tried to sound like a lover and a friend, caring about their relationship. "I know Meredith; it sounds shocking to you too. Don't even ask how Addison reacted, she thinks we can't do it at all, but I know we can, we can all together." From the sounds he heard from the other side, he was probably on speaker already – Izzie, Alex and at least Lexie and Christina listening. "Probably she is right Derek, we cannot." "We have to try it, Meredith. I don't want those two babies grow up with foreigners who don't know a single thing on Savannah and Weiss. They have been our closest friends." "This is about Savannah and Weiss, Derek?" he heard Mark interrupting. "I am on speaker … I already thought so…. Well, yes, Mark, they have been killed in a car accident ten days ago." He felt how a Mark felt, like stabbed into his heart. Savanna had been one of the women he never got into bed with; he never even tried because he had too much respect of her. She was vulnerable, drunk, and sad. He had kissed her and things went upstairs, unplanned. He never had planned to fall in love with her because he knew that she would never be able to love him the way she loves Derek and will ever love him.

Meredith would need time to adjust to the new situation, like him and Addison. They would find a way.

He came back in the moment McGregor bought the babies over with the Nanny. It wasn't just the babies they brought; it was cribs, cloths, bottles, formula, diapers …. It was much more than he had expected.

Men brought in the furniture and asked Addison where to put it. She wasn't able to speak and before she could put herself together again, Derek told them to put it in the guestroom, Addison's last night bedroom. The second guestroom had always been a study, filled with books, files, photos, uncut holiday movies and lots of other memories.

The cribs were put up, stuff put into shelves. And then they finally saw Lillian and Oliver the first time. They were small for ten months. Asking McGregor about it he told them that they were born early, at 31 weeks.

Derek looked at Addison standing on top of the staircase staring at him.

"Addison come down here", he said with some begging in his voice. He had never seen her like that. Slowly she made her way towards him. Madame Olive, the hired Nanny, put Lillian in her arms and from outside the scene looked unusually cold. Olive held the baby in a way towards Addison that she could not take it over.

Olive had brownish hair, big blue eyes and a soft smile on her lips. Her small body was clad in a yellow romper suit.

"They are not allergic to anything as far as I can tell. They like carrots a lot and absolutely hate spinach. Oliver likes bananas, Lillian goes for apples. But since you two are doctors I am sure that you know pretty well what to feed a baby. I was pretty new to it." Derek nodded. He had always imagined Addison holding a baby differently especially in the brownstone.

Mister McGregor figured that it was probably the right moment to leave them alone. The most important things were told, their stuff stored. "I will call you in the morning about the financial affairs," Derek nodded, now holding Oliver in his arms. He looked mostly like his sister but his hair was more in the shade of strawberry blond. His jumper wasn't yellow but green and he was eagerly sucking on his pacifier.

After the door closed behind the attorney and the former Nanny Derek and Addison were standing in the hall of their old home with their new gain. He was studying her face, her features. They were still the same – the big bluish eyes which could change the color with the mood. Her red hair was pulled into a pony tail, some strands falling out, making her look softer. He had to tell himself again that he shouldn't look at her that way.

"Addison, what do you think?"

"I don't know. At the moment I feel nothing, accept a wet hand. I think I have to change her," she replied without a smile, the usual Addison-way.

While she walked upstairs, Lillian started to cry and Derek got the impression as his ex-wife wouldn't know how to deal with this new situation. He wanted to go after her but also give her some time to grow into it, to get used to this bundle of life in her hands.

But the crying didn't stop.

He told himself that he was new to this situation too that he only plans the next five minutes, not a day in previous, not a week, a month …. a lifetime.  
She would need time, time he couldn't give her at the moment. They would have to work together to make this real, to keep the kids. One step after the other, slowly he made his way towards the nursery.  
Before things happened with Mark they had talked about having kids, once or twice, Addison had initiated it. Now he realized many things, too late, much too late. He started to understand things which had been foreign terrain to him for years. He couldn't deny the beauty of the picture he had in front of him – Addison, the hair now lose, wearing dark blue jeans and a simple blue t-shirt which made her eyes even more blue, the baby in front of her, trying to get her into the jumper again. The crying had stopped instead it was a soft mumbling now, a crème tub in her little hand, turning it around.

Derek had always admired her for her beauty, her elegance and self esteem. She turned around, the baby on her arm to notice Derek in the doorway watching her. For a second their eyes looked, but only for a second before she looked down on the floor.

"I think they should get their dinner and we should put them to bed. It must have been a long day for them too, many new impressions," she said softly.

"Sure …" He turned around and together they went to the kitchen. But what to cook? There were frozen vegetables in the freezer, five years old. Thankfully she remembered that the Nancy had left them some dinner formula. "I will get a baby cooking book tomorrow first," he said, "and some fresh fruits and vegetables."

"How long do you think will it take till we can leave New York," she asked, changing the topic completely.

I don't know what he aspect us to do. I have no clue."

"Me neither."

"We have to figure something out for after New York."

"True," she said heading to the shelf of glasses, getting herself a red wine glass. "Do you also want one?" Derek nodded while fixing the formula from the recipe on the cover. "Looks tasteless to me." She said while she put the two glasses in front of Derek. In the other second she had Oliver on her other side because Derek didn't even ask but pushed him over.

He would lie saying that this didn't fit her. Of course he had always imagined her kids with reddish hair, porcelain skin – but her skin wasn't that white anymore either, she was tanned from head to toe.

She looked a little overstrained to keep all four hands out of her hair. Derek had to laugh, she had to laugh softly. "They like you." "No, they like my hair. It was a mistake to let them down." "No it wasn't, it fits you so much better." She just stared at him in disbelieve of the words he had just said.

Time ran by fast. They had to feed them, bath them, to change them to sleeping cloths and Addison staid there till they were asleep. Derek on the other side was sitting on the sofa in the living room, a glass of red wine in his hand, waiting for her. They needed to talk; they needed to talk about so many things. It wouldn't be easy but life isn't easy anyway, it had never been for them. But, he had to tell himself, that this was a lie. There had been times, life had been easy – the beginning of their marriage. There had been days they weren't leaving the bedroom, the sofa, the guestroom …. They which were spend in front of the fire place, cuddling, talking, watching movies and making love. They had always been adventurous. Addison had been.

She looked tired when she fell into the armchair opposite him. Usually she liked wine but today she probably would prefer something harder. He was glad that they got rid of all the stuff years ago.

"Any plans Derek on how we are going to deal with it?"

He stared at her fingers, playing with the edge of the glass. "Do you really think that this is easy for me? You moved on, I moved on. I am engaged. What do you think?"

"I never said …" She took a sip, "do you want to give them into foster are?"

You know as well as I do that we owe this to Savannah and Weiss. We owe it to them! We have to figure something out, talk to McGregor again about the rules."

"I cannot live with Meredith under one roof."

"I never imagined …" Well he did actually and a seconds later realized that they would probably kill each other; eventually Addison would kill Meredith because she was Satan, nevertheless.

"One of us could buy a house in Seattle; move in there with the kids and …."

"And both of us already know that you want me to move in with the kids and you can play weekend daddy."

"Addison," he tried but she stopped him moving her hand up." Don't Addison me Derek; we both know that it probably is the only possible way to go."

"But he said family, a weekend daddy isn't family."

"It is for millions of kids on this planet so it can also be for Lillian and Oliver. I have the work and you will have the fun on the weekends."

"Do you really think that I …"

"Derek, I know men nowadays. In the beginning you will come and visit us twice a week and pick them up on Saturday and Sunday. A couple of months later you probably won't have the time during the week, a year later or two, Saturdays will be cancelled, later it will be every second weekend …." She took another sip of wine, "… and then the day will come, you and Meredith will have kids on your own. You will maybe not caring about Oliver and Lillian but you won't have the time anymore."

His fingers were on the bridge of his nose, eyes closed, taking a deep breath. "It will never be like this Addison and you know it. I would never leave you alone with this burden…."

"It isn't a burden like you call it, it is just a huge change. I started a new life, left Seattle behind, left you behind. I am not sure if I can handle this, " and she pointed towards him and back to herself, "I don't know if I can work at Seattle Grace again knowing that everybody knows every fucking detail of my private life."

"But we have to find a way. We both know how important it is to have an intact family, parents who love their kids and don't drain their sorrows in alcohol. I am sure that you imagined things differently. Living in Los Angeles, falling in love, becoming pregnant, raising kids … "

"No, Derek. I gave up on having children." He looked at her in a hopeless way. What did she just say, she, Addison Forbes Montgomery didn't want to have kids anymore? "When I went to Los Angeles I gave up on a couple of things but tried to get some new vices. I even tried smoking …" He had to laugh, remembering her in med school. "again … Thanks Derek that I am so entertaining." "You are welcome."

She finished her glass of red wine in silence and was about to head upstairs to go to bed. "I will sleep on the sofa Addison, take the bedroom, you need to get some sleep."

"I can share the room with the twins."

"Don't. They need their space and you wouldn't be able to close your eyes for a second. I know how you sleep when babies are around." And he was right. She was used to wake up at every move they made, every breath that was a little bit louder or just different – it had been her job for decades.

~*~

Hours later he went upstairs to grab a blanket. He tried not to make a sound, remembering where the floor creaks. The door to the master bedroom was slightly ajar, light still on. He pushed the door a little further open and saw her sleeping form. Still wearing his jeans he went to her nightstand to shut off the light, noticing the red rimmed eyes, the tissues on the floor. She had always been a sleeping beauty, even now. Her red hair cascading over the pillow, one hand neatly tucked under her head. Derek couldn't resist pushing a single strand behind her ear, being afraid to wake her. He was standing next to her longer than he probably should have, studying her face, her breathing, her sleeping body –dressed in a black silk nightgown which wouldn't be able to hide a lot. One he had bought her years ago, which most likely never found its way to Seattle or Los Angeles. Many things have staid where they are, photos, wardrobe, shoes …. Many things waited for her, waited for her return.

He opened the cupboard doors and noticed the smell, fresh lilacs. He took out a blanket and a pillow and headed to the couch. Later he fell into a deep slumber.

~*~

_September 15__th_

_Father once told me about an angel and now I know that now he is here. He calls me softly in this room, I hear my name dancing over his lips. But I must have been dreaming. Stories like this never come true. I am thinking in riddles and that's not me.  
Angels do not exist but in my dreams they are present, since I left. _

_How does he think I may survive this? How? I left because it was unbearable for me. _

_I left because I couldn't allow myself the hope of … the hope of what exactly? He had always been my biggest weakness in the world. I ran after him, gave up everything. Now I am hiding, hiding deep inside, not showing feelings, emotions as good as possible but they are eating me up. How much longer can I hide? _

_When I was a little girl father always told me about angels and that a special one is always next to me, my shadow, guarding me. _

_But this one … in dreams he comes to me … and in dreams I feel secure, safe … loved. _

_Now I can't allow things to happen. We are singing a strange duet now, a duet with missing tones. And now he wants to make me stay, wants me to sing with him, sing a duet we can't sing, we can't survive. _

_I really wish he wouldn't make me do it. I wish he would give up as he gave up on our marriage. Sign a paper, turn around and never look back. Just move on. I moved on and now I am back at the old masquerade, worse than it has ever been. He asks for too much. I have to turn my face away, I have to leave. But I can't. I have to listen; I have to listen to the music he plays. I have to surrender; I have to surrender the darkest dream of all, cut my thoughts of the life I knew before. Writing it down makes it sounds easier as it is. I have to live a life I have never lived before._

_I have to make the journey to a strange new life, leave all thoughts of the life I knew before. _

_He already knows that those kids are deeply in my heart, knowing whose they are. I have to stop flooding, have to start to trust him. _

~*~

The morning was a challenge for both of them. It was the first time they really had to take care of "their" kids. Of course they had been babysitting Derek's nephews' years ago and they had medical training but this was different. The twins didn't know them. The bond wasn't yet there. Lillian wasn't crying before breakfast but afterwards she wouldn't stop on Derek's arm. Oliver was very different in his behavior. He was the more aggressive one, tugging hair, scarves, everything his little fist could reach.

"Addison, I need help," Derek screamed with a soft laughing coming from his side. Oliver had lots of hair in his fists and wouldn't let go. Addison put Lilian in the playpen and stood near Derek to help. He could smell her perfume – Hugo Boss' Deep Red. His head was now leveled with her hip and he nearly lent into it. He felt himself drawn towards her. She had to laugh when she pulled Oliver from him and he already tried to grab her hair.

"Don't do that cutie, adults don't like it a lot", she sad playfully towards the small child and put him to Lillian.

After another cup of coffee, Derek showered and dressed formally again.

"Do you want to go with me to Mister McGregor?"

"Actually I think it's enough if you go. I have to talk to Naomi and make some phone calls nevertheless. This wasn't planned when I left LA. You can tell me later what Savanna and Weiss had planned for us – I still can't believe that they set up rules," she said and sighed, "I always thought that they understood our decision."

"They have always been full of surprises."

"They have," she replied and remembered the day they came to Seattle for Savanna's breast amputations and all the discussions afterwards.

~*~

"That can't be true, Mister McGregor. Those rules are going …."

"I can't help it. That's what they set up, even discussed it with Judge Connery."

Derek was pacing up and down the room, thinking about the rules they just had been read out to him. He couldn't make Addison do all that, he couldn't force her to do all that - to act like a loving couple towards everybody because Savanna's handwriting said, that McGregor has to interview mostly everybody in their life, even posted some names.

He had moved on after the divorce, got engaged. This wasn't to speculate over a game, an act, a theatre.

He still shook his head. "I don't know if Addison …"

"I know, Mr. Shepherd. It isn't easy. I thought you were still married though this would have been easy to fallow. Now I have to say that you should make a plan. In two days Judge Connery and the lady from the DFC will come and discuss with you when and if you can leave New York. You have to give them an address in …." he looked through his notes, "Seattle, where you and the kids stay. I am telling you this now because you probably will need to prepare a few things."

Derek was more or less speechless and just able to nod. What should he do now? Two days to prepare a new life, change roles … He had to call Meredith.

~*~

"You don't understand Meredith! We can work things out. Addison knows that I won't leave you, she knows it. "

"Satan does never give up," Meredith nearly screamed into the phone.

"Do you really think that this is easy on her? She doesn't know about the rules yet. In the beginning she didn't want to take the kids at all, telling me all the time that she can't do it …. But now they spent a night with us and I couldn't think of giving them away anymore. She can't show it yet but she already loved him."

"Derek"

"No Meredith. Savanna and Weiss gave us their miracles to take care of them. I can't foul you, it won't be easy but we work things out." Himself he wasn't telling this in this force, he wasn't sure if things would really work out because he was asking both women a lot, especially Addison would have to give up her life in Los Angeles. "Mer, things are complicated at the moment, yeah, but we'll get used to it and find a way. I am sure. Believe me, if I could change it, make Savanna and Weiss alive again, I'd do so."

There was a pregnant silence.

"Does that mean that Addison is coming back to Seattle? Work here again?"

"I think so."

He could think of all the memories which were coming up in Meredith. Addison was an amazing surgeon, a perfect teacher, a role model – as long as she got what she wanted. She could be a bitch at work, take people off cases because of a single thoughtless statement.

In the end, he was already in front of the brownstone and they had agreed that he would call her the next day again to update her.

It was already early afternoon when he unlocked the door. The house lay in a complete silence. He put his coat over the chair in the hall, got rid of the wet shoes and silently went into the living room.

It was a picture of its own which he discovered. Addison was sitting on the sofa; eyes closed, deeply asleep with Lillian asleep over her chest and Oliver next to her, one arm protectively over the small body.

He opened the top drawer in the hall and got out a camera, a classical one, and took a few snap shots of Addison and the kids. It made him smile. Her hair was pulled together; her body was clad in mid blue jazz pants and a matching sweatshirt. He remembered what that blue made to her – it made her eyes even bluer, sparkling. He had bought that outfit years ago in Rome at a Prada store at the Via Dei Candiotti not far away from la plaza Di Spagna.

He decided to let them sleep a little longer and went to the first floor. He bedrooms were still unmade. Placing the comforter over her bed, he noticed a booklet on the nightstand, tugged under a magazine. From the very beginning of their relationship she had been a diary writer. Sometimes she read an entry to him, mostly not.

He was nervous but decided that he had respected her privacy before. He headed to the attic and went through a couple of boxes. He found a couple of things that brought back wonderful memories, shells from their honeymoon, piece of the Berlin Wall, they had brought back from their trip 1989, a bottle of champagne titles from the USSR, they bought at the Krim island, pieces from all over the world. And then there was a box, Addison's handwriting on it – "Private". He knew too well what was in it, had had been avoiding it for years, the old diaries. He knew that he wasn't allowed to read them, that it had been an unspoken agreement. But he couldn't resist now. He went through a few years and grabbed another, 4 years old. A year, things haven't been right anymore.

_April 4_

_I have told him about three times that this night was the Patient's Choice Award. I waited to him, dressed in a new Armani dress but he didn't arrive at home. He didn't arrive at the award ceremony at all. Slowly I should get used to it, used to do things alone because he never shows up lately. What happened to us? What happened to Addison-Derek?  
All the people there were really nice, I talked to the head of St. Luke's who even wanted to offer me a chief of surgery. I declined. Maybe this had been a mistake. But at that point I decided that my carrier has to wait, my marriage has to survive first. _

"He thumbed through the book"

_May 7_

_Nothing changed anything. Another night alone, another wait I had been waiting for him to come home. I haven't been able to talk to him in nearly three weeks. The so thought wonderful news ended in a menstrual cycle. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe god looked down from his heaven's throne and noticed that this wasn't the right moment. That maybe the time will never be there for us. I had been eight weeks late, eight weeks. But it shouldn't happen. _

Derek sat on the dirty floor reading this entry over and over again. How could that be?


	3. Chapter 3

For an unknown time he reread this entry.

Addison was searching for him, he heard her calling. He put the diaries back into the box and headed downstairs.

"Where have you been", she asked burping Oliver over her shoulder, the bottle in her free hand.

"I … I just went through some things." He replied. "Do you want to …" He asked and she handed Oliver thankfully into Derek's arms.

"Sorry that I wasn't awake when you came back. I must have fallen asleep while trying to calm the babies down a little bit. They screamed for nearly 10 minutes." Together they went back to the living room. "Do you want to tell me about the appointment?"

"I have to Addie, I don't know if I want."

She looked at him surprised. "Why?"

"Things won't be easy, lot's of changes ahead we have to discuss. Let me put him into the play pen, get some coffee and I'll tell you."

When she brought two cups of coffee, he had brought a sheet of paper where he had scrabbled some notes onto.

"Let me tell you one thing Addison, if you want to back out, I'd understand. I mean …. I mean they ask for a lot of things actually and I am not sure if we can handle it. Easier said than done." He sat down on the sofa, to oppose her. "We will get the official papers on it soon. First of all they there is quite some money for the kids, two houses, on in the Hamptons and they seem to have bought one at St. Thomas. That was the easy part." Derek couldn't look at Addison telling her the further details of their new life. "First of all, we have to get married again. Don't ask me how we'll do that because of all that happened but the official papers are always referring to a married couple. McGregor told me that this is one of the points we should do within the next days here in New York to be allowed to take the kids with us." There was a mumbling from the other side of the coffee table but no real words said. Derek didn't want to know what was going on in Addison's head now. It was him who was engaged. It was him who betrayed her in more than one way in their marriage. "We have to purchase a place in …Seattle .... " He said, assuming that she would give on the location. "because we have to stay together, live as a married couple."

"I don't know if I can do it. You know what marriage means to me. … you are engaged nevertheless." She sighed, "Have you told Meredith yet?"

"No. No, I haven't. I needed to talk to you first. She won't understand but get used to it." Addison just nodded in response. She knew what that meant, to pretend being a marriage couple, act in front of others but sleep in different beds, different places, with different partners, or alone.

"What else?", she asked nervously.

"The other points are somehow connected to all that. McGregor and DFC is allowed to come unannounced to check on us. The first thing which isn't played on the rules would make us lose the kids. "

"Okay …"

"They will come the day after tomorrow to check on us, if we can take them with us or not."

"In two days? They?"

"Yes, they – McGregor, DFC and Judge Connery."

"This name sounds familiar to me," she said with a sighed, remembering that there had been a friend Weiss who became a judge, Shawn Connery, somebody who tried to get into her pants when they were at medschool but never was successful. She kicked him into the guts twice, since then, she hadn't heard from him again. That wasn't good.

"You do?"

"I think so, yes. That isn't a good thing, if I remember him correctly. More or less …. dumbass."

"So we should look on the internet about a house in Seattle. It's Seattle, isn't it? At least for the beginning? " She nodded knowing that she lost this battle of locations. "We should find something nice, big enough." He dared to say 'us' because he still had no clue how he'd be able to handle two woman, one in a relationship with him and one bond to him with the band of matrimony. "And we should talk about this marriage thing."

"What is there to talk? There is only one option", she said harsher than she intended, got up from the sofa and walked up and down between the window and the sofa. "We were put into this situation because of fate, somehow, now we have to deal with it. The kids started to bond, we can't just put them into foster care because we are not able to deal with our personal problems. If they want a marriage, okay, it's just a sheet of paper." Both knew that marriage was more for her. Marriage was an announcement of love. Vows. Passion.

"Same thing I thought. Telling Meredith won't be easy, same with our families. We have to convince our parents, my mom and sister's at least that this is real."

"That isn't something easy, Nancy …. I mean my family, if we don't tell them it wouldn't change anything. I have seen my mother the first time in … 4 years a couple of months ago. I don't care about her. Less than ever."

"Do we have internet in the house? I mean since you haven't been around the last couple of months."

"Well actually we have, a wlan stick is in my purse."

"So, best would be if one of us looks for houses online and the other once tries to get some information on the marriage license etc." He still had no clue how he should tell Meredith that he got married in New York but still …was engaged to her.

During the next hours, between playing and feeding the twins they were into arranging things. Addison went through hundred house ads and Derek sorted things out for their marriage. He even talked to McGregor about draw up an antenuptial agreement.

"Mer, I need to talk to you about something. I need you to sit down because you won't like it," that's the words Addison heard from the kitchen. She packed the kids into the twin stroller, after changing herself and them into warm cloths and headed out. No way to overhear this discussion. She just waved goodbye to Derek, playing along.

He tried to explain things to Meredith and eventually she didn't like the actual situation. He told her three times that this wasn't about sex or anything like that.

"Mer, honey, do you really think that Addison would let me touch her at all?"

"Derek, what about you and me?"

"I am not giving you up. This marriage exists only on the paper, so the twins won't have to live in foster care."

The phone call went on like that. She couldn't believe him, probably didn't want to believe him but in the end she agreed to figure things out together as soon as he would be back in Seattle.

Addison returned about one and a half hours later. When he helped her with the stroller and the grocery bags he noticed her looks, looks he hadn't seen in a long time, especially when she took Lilian out of the stroller, which giggled – happiness.

They didn't talk about the call, not a single word. Addison didn't ask.

After dinner and putting the babies to their beds, it was nearly 9 pm. Both were worn out and hadn't made plans yet for the next day or how to deal with the people coming to have a close look on them. Both knew that they would have to talk about it tonight.

After some dinner they sat down in the kitchen. "Do you think that we do the right thing", Addison asked staring into her mug of herbal tea. "Actually I hope so but I am not sure yet." She only nodded in response.

"Have you found a house," Derek asked hoping that she had done her job and decided in which she would like to live in.

"There are three which look fine to me. All have four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a study, a big kitchen with attaching living room, big backyards. One has a double garage, the others just a single one. The prizes are nearly the same, affordable, cheap in contrary to this one."

"Do you have a favorite," he asked while she went to get the laptop.

They sat next to each other and went through the three ads. There were pros and cons at all of them. One was near the hospital but the backyard was smaller, one was near Meredith's house and the other side was at the sea side, near the beach. He knew which one he would prefer but he wanted Addison to decide. He also let her do this with the brownstone.

"I like the one near the beach best. I like the idea of them playing in the sand later. You know that I like the beach." That was right, she always loved to be on the beach even in winter.

Because of the other time in Seattle Derek called and asked to send them more photos. Later the same night they placed an offer. The house was the biggest of all of them. She had told him that she liked the huge walk in closet and he had to laugh remembering how many shoes she had. The walk in closet in New York was full of her cloths, probably the one in Los Angeles too.

Addison wanted to call Naomi to ask her to pack some boxes, so she went into the living room. Derek wanted to give her some space, on the other hand he wanted to know what she was talking about with her best friend.

"How is Maya? …. " was the second line he heard after coming back from the toilet. "Are you sure that it is okay for you to go through my stuff and pack some boxes? ….. Cloths, books, medical files, …. yeah those also …" Derek heard her giggling. "Do you think you … yeah exactly those things … I hope I don't ask for too much Nae … Yeah I think we'll … I miss you too. You have to visit me in Seattle soon." She noticed him standing in the door with two wine glasses. He handed her one after her soft nod. "They are quite a handful … yeah exactly the same … yes, I think …" She smiled at him and pointed at the glass. "Sure Nae, sure. I will call you tomorrow night, okay? Give my kisses to Maya, will you? … Bye."

She put the cell down on the table and grabbed the glass, taking a long sip. "So Seattle it is," he said softly. "Yep", was her only reply.

"Naomi doing well?" They talked a little bit about Naomi, Maya and the rest of the clique before they parted for the night.

The night was silent, the following day spend with preparing the house for the appointment on the day afterwards. They dusted all the shelves, rearranged the babies' room. The next night in contrary was not that silent anymore. Lilian screamed the whole night and Addison took her into her room, not to wake Oliver. Which happened, nevertheless, a short time later. When Derek went upstairs, Addison sat widely awake on their wedding bed, the babies placed in front of her. It was shortly after 4am.

"Go do bed, Derek, so at least one of us isn't deadly tired in the morning."

"No, it's okay", he said and headed to the bed to sit down next to her, taking Lilian, who stared at him, up and placing him at his chest while leading against the headboard.

When Derek woke up, Addison was sleeping curled around Oliver, her hand on his belly. They had agreed that it been colics eventually. He changed diapers, fed and dressed them before placing them in the playpen. With a mug of steaming coffee he went upstairs to wake Addison. The sheets were ridden down to her hips, exposing her chest, her breast pressed against the silk, hair tucked behind the ear. Her long lashes had always fascinated him. She had always been beautiful, above average, especially without makeup.

Holding the mug under her nose, he made her wakeup with a smile. "Thank you", she said softly, pushing herself up against the headboard, the mug in hands. "They are playing downstairs."

"You should get dressed. The judge will be here at one but we have to get the …."

"I know", where the only words she said before swinging her legs over the edge and headed to the bathroom.

Half an hour later they she was downstairs, hairs perfectly put in a bun, side parting; wearing a dark green Gucci combination he had only seen once before, existing of a pencil skirt and a short cut jacket made of wild silk. She looked stunning, this time her eyes looked all green.

Together they got the marriage license. The first time it was something special, this time it was more like going shopping, nothing spectacular. Derek noticed that Addison was more silent than usual. She had handed over her papers, thankfully they still had a copy in the safe at the brownstone, signed it. There was no smile afterwards, no nice word said. He still asked himself how they will handle this situation in the future, how things will work out with Meredith around. But Derek didn't dare to say anything about it.

At home they only had time to feed the babies and put them down for a nap, putting Derek's sleeping arrangement away before McGregor knocked at the door. Addison was still wearing her green silk arrangement, Derek a dark suit.

The judge arrived with the lady of the Department of Children and Families some minutes later. The lady of the DCF looked like an old spinster, dark blue pleated skirt, white blouse, the nearly grey her in a stern bun, flat dark blue shoes, no wedding band. Derek had been very observative.

"So how far are you with the arrangements in Seattle," McGregor asked while Addison got a bottle from the kitchen to feed Lilian.

Derek showed them the offer they put on the house and told him the contact details and he showed the judge and marriage license.

"When do you plan to get married?"

"Tomorrow", he said looking at Addison who nodded, whispering soft words towards Lilian.

The lady, named Eleonora Fonderson, asked Addison about her mother skills, not believing that she was a double board proofed neonatology surgeon. Or she doubted that a woman wearing a wild silk combination while feeding a baby, stilettos on her feet, could have motherly skills. Derek didn't like the looks of the elderly ladies shot against Addison.

"Both of you know that the rules are fairly strict," judge Connery said, "and you have to play by it. We know about your actual situation, that you have gotten a divorce a couple of years ago and we think that you probably moved on, but agreeing on this rules also means to leave your former life, some parts I mean, behind you."

The rules were discussed and Ms. Fonderson asked to see the house. They showed all the rooms and headed slowly upstairs. Addison didn't feel comfortable; Derek noticed and laid his hand on her shoulder to calm her down. She flexed softly before her body gave in. Doors and closets got opened and closed; Ms. Fonderson was a very curious person. He noticed that there were only things on one nightstand, hers. Seconds later they were asked about sleeping arrangements. They moved closer together and said, each of them a baby on their hand, that they slept together in this bed. Not a lie, considering last night.  
Derek noticed that Addison blushed when Ms. Fonderson entered the walk in closet, it was kind of a mess. Usually he never walked into it, it was her private territory, he had his own on the other side of the room, smaller but fitting. The whole house was cleaned up except this room – underwear, nightdresses, and blouses everywhere. Addison didn't know what to say …

"You know Ms. Fonderson, we haven't been back in New York for three years and went through a couple of things," Addison tried to explain; "I haven't yet had the time to get the cloths back in place. I came with a trolley to New York, not thinking that I would stay that long." She shrugged with her shoulders, it had been a lame excuse, both knew.

"What about work in Seattle," judge Connery asked while walking back downstairs.

"I work in Seattle Grace and Addie can come back there too, if she wants."

"And who takes care of the kids," Ms. Fonderson asked harshly.

"We will a get a nanny and empty our schedules."

"In the beginning it is important that you stay with the kids to make them bond." Both doctors already noticed that the lady from DCF didn't like them at all. Addison replied, "We know. We will make arrangements to say home with them or at least one of us."

Questioning went on like this. Derek noticed that Addison was more than once fighting with tears. They went through all their private life, why they got divorced in the first place and all those bad memories came up again. Of course they weren't talking about his actual engagement, only telling them that he had been seeing somebody back in Seattle but that it never had been serious. While he had been answering, Addison went to the kitchen to put herself together again.

Half an hour later they group of foreigners asked to give them a few minutes to discuss. The babies were napping and Derek joined Addison in the kitchen.

"Do you think we made it," she asked nervously. They have never been in a situation like this before, they never had to prove their relationship or not existing relationship to anybody. They stood in the middle of the kitchen and Derek only said. "Do you allow me to hold you for a second?" Her nod was clear, an invitation for a friendly intimacy.

For the first time in years he was officially allowed to hold her, she wasn't sobbing nor was she holding back. Her hands were on his back, her head on his shoulder. He noticed that his body nearly started to react to the new closeness. Her perfume always had made him nervous, her hair made his body tingle and her hands … her hands were able to make things he didn't allow himself to think about now.

He had positioned them in a way they could be seen from the living room where the small group was sitting, discussing. Derek allowed himself to make small circles on Addison's back and whisper words into her hair, "we'll make it, and we'll get the babies with us to Seattle."

Both knew that it things won't be easy in the city of rain at all. They would have to deal with work, Mark, Meredith and all the others, not yet thinking about living together again.

They were called in, so they finally parted. He already missed the warmness of her body, her smell, her body fitting so perfectly into his.

"We came to the conclusion", judge Connery explained, "that you will be allowed to take them with you after you hand us your marriage papers. You will be under close observation in Seattle to make sure everything is fine."

The judge handed them a paper telling them rules again and both hand to sign this agreement. It felt strange to Derek knowing that he would be bond to Addison for the rest of his life eventually through those kids, through Weiss and Savannah.

Addison signed it with her full name, Addison Adrianna Forbes Montgomery. He had always made fun of her because of it, that she would need an extended line to put it all on it, when they had been in love, years ago, before they got married. Adrianna – a name he heard seldom, knowing that it was the name of her great mother which she had adored when she was a little kid, the only family member of the Montgomery's she had a connection to.

"Dr. Shepherd, I think the most important things are said. We'll head to Seattle someday before Christmas to interview your families and so on. So it would be nice if you could invite at least some of them for Christmas. We all know that it's just the end of September but looking at your name," he stared at Addison, "I guess that you would have to make arrangements soon to get your family in place." Addison nodded, horrified to have her family – all of them – over at Christmas. He remembered the last time they had done it- huge mistake! Derek's was family but her's … her's was torture. Derek knew exactly what was going through her head, knowing her parents.

When they were all gone Addison was sitting on the sofa, deeply in thoughts, her legs up, pressed against her chest.

"I don't know I can handle Christmas. Pretending that we are family, Derek, this might be too much for me. You know, years ago, coming to Seattle after you, I would have given everything for something like that … Christmas hasn't been the same since." He knew exactly what she was talking about, the moment in front of the trailer when he told her, that he would love Meredith.

"You know, all by myself, I went down to Los Angeles, and I survived it, I staid alive knowing that this was the best decision I have made in a long, knowing that I wouldn't be able … I wouldn't be able to survive in Seattle, near you and Mark. And now?"

"Addison, don't play the strong one in front of all the others. I know that the breakdowns are even worse, I have been there. I don't want to see them anymore." He said standing next to her. "I know that you have always been great pretending that you wouldn't need anyone to take care of you, up to the moment we broke apart. But this can only be done together and we have to find a way to deal with it."

"Derek, don't you see my point? We are getting married tomorrow and this only …"

"I know. Can you imagine how … I know Sav and Weiss ask for a lot here, you are giving up everything you have built up in the south," his hand was resting on her had, "we'll work out a way we can save them from foster care and live our lives." He still hadn't figured out how to work things out while being married to Addison again. It was a marriage of convenience, nothing more – or?

"Yeah … but it isn't only the marriage, I mean I could handle to be married without all the matrimonial stuff but to convince everybody is … will be like playing a Shakespeare play, 24/7"

"Addison, I feel the same, I swear. But I know how it is to grow up without a father, without a complete family. I don't want a single child to go through all that."

"Family? What's that? I don't know it. You know, I have had about ten nannies in my early childhood days. Bizzy got into an argument with each of them, blaming them for I don't know what. She herself was at home very rarely. Christmas and the holidays we spent with grandma, mostly in Europe. The easiest act to place us in a plane and not care any further."

Derek knew that her childhood had been far away from perfect. They have always had a lot of money, maids, nannies, private teachers, expensive cloths and holidays but they never had been loved for real. Her parents got married young but he always guessed that they didn't choose each other but their parents arranged their marriage. It was society, people who spend every summer in Europe and the winter breaks in Aspen or Switzerland skiing. Not that his own family had money issues but he always could relate to his mother. A real mother.

"How do you think we'll manage to do this? In hospital? Everybody knowing that this is only a game because you go come with Meredith?" She didn't dare to look him straight into the face.

He couldn't answer this one because he didn't know a matching reply. He had no clue how to work things out, so they would look like a normal couple but see somebody else in private. To convince everybody?

Before they could get into any discussion they heard a soft crying. Addison headed upstairs to look if both were awake already and they were. Sitting down on the guest bed, Oliver positioned in front of her. She tickled the little boy on his belly and he had to giggle. It wouldn't take long and they would be crawling. Lilian already attempted but thankfully she wasn't yet doing it.

He climbed up the stairs because she didn't came back. "Do you want to talk?"

"No," the redhead said, "I don't know what to say at all."

"Do you care if I head out a little, I need some fresh air."

"Okay."

"Do you want to take one or both with you?"

"Sure," he said, a smile dancing over his lips. The first time he would be out with them, being a father, kind of. Addison already knew her way around, he had tried to babysit his nephews a couple of times but in the end he usually had fallen asleep before them because of exhaustion.

~*~

_September 17_

_Sometimes it seems to me like Derek thinks it's all a game we can play a long like chess, for hours without even caring about the opponent. I am not yet sure if he has talked to his … what to call her? … about our marriage yet. _

_His closeness is torturing me, in no explainable way. Being in his arms today made me remember moments I shouldn't be thinking about because I put them in a box, buried them deep down, far away from the present_

_When I came to Seattle I thought I could convince him into Derek and Addison again but sleeping with Mark had destroyed too much. He didn't really give me a chance. I know that he wants to guard me nowadays, friendly guarding. _

_It is a mystery how we will survive this. Bad news? Kind of. Naomi doesn't think we can figure it out and begged me not to sell my house yet, I won't. I am not sure if I can survive having him near me all day and night, knowing that he was sleeping, and thinking of Meredith. Even thinking of it, feels like putting small needles all over my chest. _

_He has made his decision a long time ago. I am only here to surrogate as a mother and play along as a wife. For the last years of our marriage I learned to live without him showing love or affection, the sexual contact we had usually happened when we both were at a gala night – usually him getting some award – and both drank too much. The usual nights he slept at the hospital, I think, at least not at home. So living together in Seattle wouldn't change a lot, just stepping back into an unhappy marriage, this time officially without touch and play._

~*~

Derek came home wet to his skin. The stroller had a rain shield in the pocket, Derek didn't. It even took him nearly ten minutes to fix it over the stroller. Addison laughed at him, dripping to the hard wooden floor, the twins nearly completely dry and tired.

"You look wet." She said and handed him a small towel, one kid on each hip, not able to take it, so she wiped it over his face and hair firstly. For a short period he closed his eyes, loving the smell of her hair and perfume, her hands on his body. He had told himself more than once this day that he had to push all those thoughts far away, really far away. They were friends, friends!

He told her about the fact, this evening, that he hasn't told Meredith about the wedding yet but wanted to do this in person. She wouldn't like the idea anyway, both agreed on it. There were no words said about a wedding contract or anything from his side and she didn't even know that he asked McGregor about one.

"Did you start packing?" He asked her, wanting to know what she had done this afternoon.

"Sure, a little bit. I have to see the house first to know how much storage room we have in the attic and the seller and I still have lots of things in Los Angeles. But I have called a contractor to ask about the nursery arrangements and …. Our offer was accepted, as soon as we are in Seattle we can sign the contract and move in since the house is empty at the moment. I mean there is a little furniture in it but not much."

"Want to go through some online stuff?"

"Hm …." Was her only reply pouring herself a glass of red wine. When she was younger she had never been very fond of red wines, she had always preferred the European white ones – Ribolla, Soave, Pinot Grigio or Weissburgunder, Gewuerztraminer. Lately she preferred the heavy red ones, tasting like blueberries, strawberries or cinnamon.

Finally this night had been productive; they had purchased a huge sofa and nursery elements, her bedroom furniture and some more elements, not discussing him sleeping there too. Not that he didn't want to, but there hadn't been the right moment.

The nursery was to be painted in yellow with small ducks on the walls, the furniture all white which fluffy blue and pink bed sheets and elements. Derek even discussed her bedroom elements with her. Firstly she wanted to go all white, fashionable but he talked her into darker elements, more classical. In the end it was a dark cherry bedroom set of a canopy bed, he didn't even try to talk her out of it, remembering that she had one in her teenage room, wanted one in their first flat and he talked her out of it in the brownstone again.

The last items were the ones for the guestroom and the study – all classical, very Addison like. Since he was pushing her into this new life, his goal was to make her happy at least with the surroundings.

When she went to bed he had to think about the canopy bed. One king-size bed. But only one bed. Happy to know that there was still a couch and a guestroom, with a normal double only but a guestroom. He knew that they would have to share a bed at Christmas, maybe before. He knew that sleeping next to her was nearly impossible because she never lay still, always turning till she found the right place – during the good years of their marriage it had been her head on his shoulder, one leg over his hips and her hand over his hard. Even imagining this made his shorts tighten about the private parts of his body. Because thinking of these sleeping arrangements also brought up the memories of morning sex. Their alarms were set at least half an hour to an hour earlier to make love in the morning. Addison never could get enough of it, never and knowing this made him realize that he probably was in big troubles.  
While she stayed in Seattle with him he didn't feel to be near her, to need to be near her actually. TO feel aroused around her wasn't hard, always the tight low cut blouses, the short and tight skirts, the high heels, making her legs even longer, the seductive glasses, riding low on her nose. Especially the blouses had affection on men – tight, low cut or just one too much unbuttoned.

Stretching out on the sofa didn't make his situation better. He couldn't stop thinking of her in this silk night gown upstairs. He tried to think of Meredith but all his thoughts wandered back to Addison, her skin, her hair, her smell, the deepness of her voice.

He started to stroke himself through the sweat pants and he wasn't comfortable with the idea of doing it but this was the effect she had on him. He told himself that there were no feelings involved; it was just hair body which made his hand touching his already fully erected penis. A few more strokes and he was done, feeling bad about fantasizing about his ex-wife, soon to be wife again.

End part 3

That bed was something I really liked thinking of her bedroom: ?imageID=4594


	4. Chapter 4

Somehow he didn't put his pants back on that night; the blanket had ridden low, exposing a naked hipbone of his.

"I didn't know you are sleeping naked when kids are in the house," Addison said with a smile, Lillian already in the playpen, Oliver on her hip, only wearing silk. Did she just make fun of him? She placed hot steaming coffee in front of him and laid the boy on his chest. Derek wasn't able to reply because his mind was busy with the nightdress or what it wasn't hiding. Oliver stared at him in this amazingly beautiful baby way and said "Dada".

She came back with a smile and two bottles in hand. "He kept saying it all morning." "He has?" It was a new state of roundness, happiness. Derek got himself into a sitting position which was far away from easy, the baby in one hand, trying to arrange the sheets around him. She nodded taking out Lillian, handing Derek a bottle. She sat down on the sofa, hair loose, her red curls falling down on her shoulders. They were shorter than in the Seattle but she not really short at all. No afford yet to straighten or get more curls into them. The nightdress wasn't short, neither long. Lillian sitting on her lap, something between sitting on her own and being hold in the cradle of her arm, she nursed her bottle, giving Derek a chance to admire her..." Addison said playfully, while holding the bottle in position.

Meanwhile Derek did the same with Oliver knowing that his naked chest didn't make things much easier. It's not like he hasn't seen her this way a million times before, braless and covered in silk but it was different, very different.  
While being married the first years she wouldn't have survived sitting like this on the sofa for more than five minutes. He would have ravished her. Now, she didn't seem to be uncomfortable but not looking at him at all, his bare chest, knowing that he was naked under the covers. It seemed like she would only concentrate on feeding Lillian, nothing more. But how could he know what was going on in her head?

"When do we need to be at the city hall?" She asked softly before heading upstairs to change Lillian.

"11:15, it's not that far anyway."

"I know Derek."

"Do you want late night flights or some early in the morning?" He had to change the topic, look at Oliver and not at her cleavage, the nearly naked breasts, the little of thigh he could see or the well tanned skin of her shoulders.  
When he picked her up from Los Angeles he had seen her naked and he really tried to remember it, knowing that it was wrong, very wrong, but he couldn't. Being that vulnerable in front of him, he didn't take the time to study her. He noticed that she had well toned upper arms and a flat stomach, but next to that her body hasn't changed over all those years. It was still able to make him get huge troubles.

He went upstairs too after searching for the lost garments. He wasn't yet able to be around her a week without forgetting who he was and what the goal of this whole experiment was, and that she seemed to be completely unaware of what she was doing to him.

Derek tried to forget what he had seen this morning, silk, flesh. He washed and changed Oliver, hearing the shower run from the other side.  
"Do not think of it, to not think of her, don't imagine her body, don't dare to imagine ," he tried to talk to himself but as soon as those words were said, he did what he didn't want to do at all. Derek pictured her body all coated with vanilla scented foam, her hands wandering over her body. He felt guilty knowing that she didn't feel the same and knowing that there was a girlfriend waiting at home. His women who couldn't be compared – one boyish, like a teenager and inexperienced in so many ways and the other, very female, knowing which button to press to get what she wanted from men, sexually adventurous … and again he had reached the point of remembering what they had done during their year of dating and the early year of marriage. He wanted to ban those memories, hide them in the very, very back of his brain, but somehow it wasn't working. He heard the hairdryer starting and put Oliver to Lillian in the playpen before heading for a shower himself, to help himself forget.

But seeing her in this midnight blue silk wrap-style dress with floral pattern over the hems didn't make the things easier at all. But this was Addison, always looking like out of a prêt-a-porter show. Were all her dresses in New York colored in shades of green or blue?

"Is this one new?" Derek asked not remembering it in any way.

"No, but I guess you weren't attending the gala night I purchased it for. It's a Roberto Cavalla, probably four years old." He only nodded in reply, knowing that she was most likely right. About six years ago he stopped focusing on their marriage but he couldn't remember a reason for it, it just happened. Late night shifts, staying in on call rooms, letting her wait at home for dinner, birthdays, anniversaries, celebration with her family. When he asked her to attend something with him, she usually did – weddings, christenings, Thanksgiving dinners; she had always been able to reschedule her surgeries.

The twins were dressed in dark blue jumpers with matching jackets and hats. "We have to buy some stuff for them as soon as possible; they are outgrowing mostly everything they have." Were her last words before getting into her coat, grabbing a matching scarf and headed out towards the cap which was waiting for them.  
Too many times lately he didn't know what to reply to her statements. Most of those moments she was right, just mentioning something, he had never thought about.

He was wearing one of the very classic black Hugo Boss suits he once bought somewhere in Europe. Those were always right.

The ride was rather silent except for the kids babbling. People at the city hall were staring at them – two elegant creatures with small kids and now getting married. Derek noticed the glances and took Addison's hand in his.

There were things she didn't know yet. Yesterday while being on a walk with the kids he had purchased their wedding bands, simply gold for him and hers existed of three bands – the one in the middle was gold with a simple diamond on it, the other two were only diamonds. He didn't care about the expenses; he liked them and knew she would like them too. Her taste had always been exquisite.  
Derek had asked a young couple in the waiting area to be their witnesses and they agreed. The ceremony was far away from spectacular. The witnesses had the twins in their laps while Derek and Addison took the vows. Finally the moment of the ring exchange came. Addison was speechless when she saw the rings.

"God … Derek…" Were her only words while he slowly pushed the three bands over her ring finger! With shaky hands she did the same with his golden band.

Now they were again officially Dr. Shepherd again.

~*~

For being their wedding day most of the afternoon was about packing boxes, playing with the kids brought complete exhaustion with it as soon as the moon was shining.

"For this being our wedding night I can't wait what special seduction you have in mind for later," Derek playfully said, trying to make a joke. But somehow she seemed to have gotten it into the wrong throat. Her look could kill people and in the very moment she was aiming him. "Addison, I didn't … "

"Just shut up." She closed another box, writing 'books' on it with her magnificent handwriting. It was so untypical for a doctor to have such a wonderful even and readable handwriting.

To change the topic he asked her which books she put into this box. "Oh …," she seemed to blush a little bit, "just my favorites, you know. The classical ones…." He acted like he wouldn't know and opened it after she left for the kitchen to get some tea. On top she had put Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters and of course her absolute favorite writer – Walt Whitman. He opened the book at the page with the bookmark and read out loud:

_You sea! I resign myself to you also … I guess what you mean,  
I behold from the beach your crooked inviting fingers,  
I believe you refuse to go back without feeling of me;  
We must have a turn together … I undress … hurry me out of sight of the land,  
Cushion ne soft … rock me in billowy drowse,  
Dash me with amorous wet …. I can repay you._

Without saying something she took the book out of his hands, closed it and put it back into the box. This poem wasn't about the sea, about waves. It was a metaphor, lyric language. It was erotic from another millennium.

This was the last time he saw her this night. After taking the book from his she had taken her tea and went upstairs. Derek wasn't sure if she was mad or just uncomfortable.

There had been years, while med school, they could spend a whole winter afternoon reading poems to each other or short stories. Addison had went through classical education, spent her summers in Europe, learning foreign languages. She had often teased him with Italian, French or some words in German but the most erotic language had always been Latin for him.

~*~

_September 18_

_Sometimes I really would like to know what's going on in this brain of his. Being a brain surgeon doesn't make think easier in this department. _

_Where to start? I would lie if I'd say that I never liked his chest, his broad shoulders but was it the right time to sleep naked? Not just me being around but also the kids? On the one hand it feels naturally and on the other just awkward.  
Stepping under the shower I really had to tell myself that I hadn't been much better, not caring to take a robe or anything to hide a little bit. He didn't even look and why should he? He has a young, teenage version at home waiting nervously – eventually.  
I rarely complain about my body but living in Los Angeles has done wonderful things to it- more sports, sun and just feeling comfortable, nevertheless some wrinkles started to show around my eyes and sooner or later some body parts will give in to gravity.  
On the other side it's not like he is getting any younger, especially the grey strands becoming more and more and this time not because of me. _

_First of all those wedding bands … I thought we'd go for no bands this time and then he adds those to the ceremony. They are not simple … they are amazing. I already caught myself playing with it. I didn't want to be stared at but people will, thanks to those._

_Before all that he asked about the dress … no, it's not new, it's Roberto Cavalla. We bought it together on a trip to Milano; Via Spigot … we got him handmade shoes and a suit he never wore.  
I think it was the blue phase; most of my cloths had been blue when I purchased it. And Cavalla is such an amazing designer. This soft arrangement of flowers on the hems, the deep blue of the silk, the … _

_Now we are married and this is our wedding night…..the second one. Two years ago I would have given everything for another wedding, a night together, even having this arrangement but now? Being the wife again, in a formal catholic way he is cheating again on me … probably I am not the right person to get into catholic point of views but this whole situation is just weird. _

_Us being married again … _

_I needed to stop him reading Walt Whitman … Whitman had been the first book he had given to me, a signed first edition. And this poem … God … I know it word by word because I have read it to him a million times, an act of foreplay. And now, today he is reading it out loud. What was he thinking? _

~*~

The following morning Derek was on the phone with a moving company. He arranged them to come by noon. He hadn't seen Addison a lot, having the kids in her bedroom she went through the walk-in-closet to decide which stuff to ship and which to stay. She wasn't going to sell the brownstone at all but there was stuff she wanted to take with her this time, so she has told him.

After discussing the safe combination, Derek needed to make some calls on the first floor before helping to pack boxes. Addison had made a save escape to the walk-in-closet. In the middle of the phone call with McGregor the kids started to wine and scream and Derek couldn't just get off the phone but walked towards the private fashion boutique and pointed towards Addison that he was would be on the phone. With a soft growl Addison changed the room and let Derek stay in a room, where piles of cloths were shattered everywhere. A few already filled boxes, some old ones opened and then he noticed this one, read leather box. A thick "p" was drawn in front.  
While McGregor told him about the adoption process he sat down on the floor, back against the huge mirror.

He opened the box in the second Addison came into the room with both of the kids pressed to her chest to let them crawl a little bit over the floor. With an unknown urgent Addison shook her head, putting the kids on the floor, heading towards Derek to close the box again but it was too late. Her cheeks, neck and cleavage turned into different shades of red. Derek only stared at the contest of the box – sex toys.

Absolutely embarrassed she took the kids downstairs. He wanted to run after her but with the attorney on the phone it was an unmanageable goal to talk to her about this, about a box they had established together more than ten years ago. He hadn't thought of it for many years and honestly he couldn't believe now that she had maintained it.

~*~

When he came downstairs later he heard Addison talking to the kids, telling them the tale of Cinderella while sitting on a woolen blanket in front of the fire place. She didn't notice him while moving on in the story about the stepmother, the stepsisters and the prince in shining armor. He was standing in the door frame observing this situation till Oliver lifted his head and babbled something quite loud into his direction.

Derek and Addison were just staring at each other for a couple of seconds. "I didn't mean to go through your stuff," he tried to apologize. "It's not my stuff exactly." She said with a slight amusement in her voice. "I didn't think that you kept it," he tried to talk himself out of it again. "I haven't thought of it in ages, I couldn't remember putting it there at all." He only nodded in response. What to say more? They had bought those things years ago together after many discussions and arguments about her being from Connecticut and that there is no need for toys, sex alone would be fine. In the end she liked it, enjoyed the games of teasing. Both of them did.

He didn't even try to mention it again. Their flight would leave New York something after 8pm and on the airport Derek was calm, knowing, that the following days would be hell, for both of them – answering millions of questions, pretending to be the happy re-wed couple they aren't.

The flight was in some parts uncomplicated, till Lillian refused to sleep and fuss all the time. Since Addison was asleep Derek tried to calm her down but it wasn't working, in the end he had to wake "his wife", not to wake all the other passengers.

"Hey little girl …" she said softly, placing soft kisses on the Lillian's face. "You should be tired and be sleeping honey… come here …"She said, placing the girl over her chest, the head under her chin and made small circles on the baby's back. After a few minutes the girl started to relax and fell back to sleep and so did Addison.  
This was a new picture to him, one he had to learn to deal with. He placed the blanket over both of them, tucked a strand of curls behind Addison's ear and stared at them for a little while longer. How had she been able to fit into this mother role so quickly after being against it in the beginning? The major priority now was to make things work, somehow.

~*~

Derek walked out of the controlled sector with two suitcases in hand and the big baby bag, filled with dirty jumpers and empty bottles. Addison was behind him with the kids.  
The first thing he noticed when he entered the hall after the security controls was Meredith's face, smiling at him, nearly throwing himself towards him. He just glared at her for a second and she stopped in the middle of the way. Probably this was the second she noticed Addison with the twins behind him, trying to control the stroller while balancing one baby on her hip who was whining nervously.

Meredith glanced at Derek and Addison excused herself towards the Coffee Shop with the twins, he noticed that she was uncomfortable.

"Derek …"

"This isn't the right place to talk Meredith."

"I know, it was just … they are really small …

"Shortly over ten months … "His hand was pushing through his hair nervously. "Can we talk later tonight?" These last words made her smile, not knowing what he had to tell her. "Sure."

"Want to know something funny?"

"Tell me …," he replied being nerved.

"Callie and Arizona broke up because of Mark."

"What? I mean I am gone for a few days and the whole world changes?" Derek joked with slight sarcasm in his voice.

Derek and Meredith went; not holding hands, towards Starbuck's to pick up Addison which was feeding Lillian and Oliver some pap out of a glass. "Are you ready to go?" He asked when she looked up at him. "Give me a second; we are nearly ready, aren't we?" She said towards the kids, swapping pap from around their mouths.

They headed for a cap and he told Meredith that he would come over tonight; he wouldn't want to let Addison do the whole work with the twins.

What Derek didn't notice was that Meredith had seen the rings on Addison's finger, reminding her lot of their former weddings bands, somehow. He also didn't notice that she saw how he helped her with the kids, their closeness which wasn't familiar to her at all.

~*~

The house was amazing but not all the furniture had arrived yet. Some of the boxes from Los Angeles were already stored in the hallway; the constructors were already painting the nursery and the other rooms, only the color, a fresh white, in the living room was already dry.

"Wow", Addison said while walking through the huge entry hall towards the kitchen and the attached terrace. It was just huge. Downstairs was a study, a dining room and the kitchen; between study and living room was a small library with high bookshelves and an open fire place. Upstairs were four bedrooms and three bathrooms. The master bedroom was huge, exactly like on the online profile with a whirlpool and an enormous balcony.  
During their way home the babies had fallen asleep and slept now in the stroller in the hall. Derek had walked up behind Addison. "I could get used to this view," she said, knowing that he was behind her. It was just amazing, the open see, the backyard. It was amazing, even in the middle of the night, but with the moon up it even looked a little bit mysterious.

"Look Addison …" he stared, elbows on the balustrade, face in his hands, studying the few. "… I probably won't sleep over here this night; I need to talk to Meredith and everything …"

"I know, I guessed so, no problem." This came out a little too quick in his opinion. She had told him more than clearly twice since they were married, that this was only a tactical marriage nothing more or less. It wouldn't be about feelings or pride. Though they weren't actually actors so they would have to go through all nevertheless before doing it. Even remembering those words he could feel the pain in her voice, at least he thought he did.

"I will help you with the sofa in the living room, so you can crash there."

"No need Derek, I know how to handle a studio couch, remember, I got used to this during med school."

"Are you sure that you do not need any help with the kids or anything else?"

"Sure, go, I have seen the box with the sheets and the twins are already asleep. The playpen is already set up and they will sleep the night in it, till their beds arrive, tomorrow or the day after. I can handle it; nevertheless, those are my profession."

"However …" he replied while turning around and leaving the house.

~*~

Arriving at Meredith's place felt awkward at the very moment because all the cars, which usually were parked in front, were missing. The house was mostly dark except the kitchen and living room. He didn't knock but used his key.

"Hey," he said softly while she came towards him, only wearing a Snoopy nightdress and hilarious booths.

"Hey you, I missed you." She said and put her hands around his neck to kiss him.  
But the kiss wasn't the same as those a week earlier, it was passionless.

"Want a glass of wine?"

"Actually Meredith, I'd go with a coffee or some tea."

Together they headed to the living room area which was only illuminated by the fireplace and some candles.

They chatted lightly about what happened in hospital the last days, Callie and Arizona's break up, sitting near each other on the sofa, his hand trapped over her shoulder, her head against his chest.

"Meredith, I need to tell you a few things and you won't be happy. You'll probably hate me but those things don't change anything between us, remember that all the time." Her only reply was to position herself the way that she could look into his face.

"I told you that Savanna and Weiss were killed in a car accident and they …. Let's say … left us the kids. There is only Addison and me or foster care. But we only get custody and adoption if we pass the conditions." Meredith nodded, so far things sounded simple. "So … after arguments and small fights," he made up some story to make it sounds more complicated, "we agreed to try to work things out, to take the kids. But like I said, there are conditions." He sighed. He didn't like Meredith's face. "First of all, Addison … how should I tell you? … We got married again."

Meredith jumped from the sofa heading towards the open fire place. "You did what?" She screamed, tears in her voice. "You married the adulterous bitch? " The Prada-whore?" "Satan"? He nearly had to laugh about all the names they had made up for Addison.

"Meredith," he said softly while walking towards her, "It's just a paper we signed, nothing more. But we have to play the perfect couple because only being a couple, being family we can keep the twins. It's like a role play, like a Hollywood movie …"

"Are you sure that it's only that? That it isn't …."

"No, it's nothing more and don't make some interpretation. It's like I said. We play the couple at work, in front of the family but us – Addison and me – both know that I belong to you." He finished before he tried to hug her. But she pushed him away.

"It isn't that easy Derek. What am I telling my friends? What will you tell our colleagues?" She asked during sobs.

"Well, we probably will tell them that we decided to be together again. Actually Meredith, we haven't thought that far yet but you have to play your role too." He tried to pull her towards him, kiss her. "I missed you too …"

"Will you have to sleep in the same bed with her?"

"Well, if family is around like at Christmas, probably but we have a guestroom so I will sleep there. I don't think that Addison plans on letting me stay in her bed."

For another hour he tried to explain things to her. They agreed to tell people that they officially broke up that night after him telling her the truth. She made him swear that he would not stand her up, wouldn't leave her. He did. But he couldn't believe himself anymore.

Cristina and Alex would come home within the next hour so, after officially breaking up, he would have to leave. This came unplanned. The kiss had a lot of passion in it, her hands roaming over his chest, his back, his face. But in the end she told him to leave.

What to do now?

The car ride back to the house was filled with Derek's thoughts and the jazz music from the radio. He never had spoken with himself but this time it seemed like this was the best way of thinking.

For half an hour he was sitting in the car, staring at his cell phone. He should call Addison to let her know that he would be coming "home".

The house was completely dark when he walked towards it only the moon made him see the way. Without making too much sound he unlocked the door, got out of his shoes and walked towards the living room, knowing that there was the only possibility to sleep in her at all.

The kids were asleep, Lillian softly snoring; Oliver had the thumb in his mouth. He made his way towards the bed, their bed.

He knew that sleeping here wasn't part of their arrangement. That crawling in, sharing a bed should have been discussed. More than once he thought about sleeping in the hotel but what if somebody would see him there? Somebody was always living in the hotel, if not Mark or Callie it was Richard.

He stripped down to his boxers, arranging everything carefully on the floor and slowly sat down on the bed, hoping that he wouldn't wake her. Bit by bit he moved towards her, curled under her blanket, snuggled towards her back. Was he doing the right thing? Was he an egoist? Her body was warm, her blanket was warm. Without thinking any more he fell asleep.

End part 4

Walt Whitman: Sea of Grass; Song of myself, 22


	5. Chapter 5

The point of no return – part 5

The first sun rays illuminated the room, made it golden. Not to wake up, he snuggled further into the body next to him, one over a ribcage, the other was used as a pillow. The person stirred into him, making him growl softly, when a soft butt was pressed against his morning erection. His only reaction was, to move his hand towards the female breast, holding her in place.

This lasted till two hungry babies decided to start whining.

In the very moment he opened his eyes he knew that he was in big trouble. Not just Derek had been woken up by the twins but also Addison who just realized the situation she was in. He was like paralyzed, unable to move.

He was in big trouble since she could feel his erection pressed against her, could feel her erected nipple against his hand and his breathing was caressing her ear, while hers touching his arm.

"Derek," she mumbled and tried to move, which pressed her back even further into his erection which made him groan in response. "Don't do that Addie ...," were the only words he could respond. He took his hand away and let her get out of bed. She didn't look at him, said something more or anything, she just left to calm down the twins.

Derek turned on his back and closed his eyes. Getting up right now would make an embarrassing scene. The scene behind his eyes didn't help either. He had to get up, take more than one shower and try to avoid her a little bit. Matter of fact he couldn't let her have all the work with the kids. Troubles!

Before she was able to enter the room with the twins, one in each arm, he was gone. He sneaked out of the room knowing that she was coming back.

Upstairs in the masterbedroom bathroom he closed the door, locked it and first of all had to sigh. How was he ever going to get out of those troubles? What was he doing? He would need to make some calls to get their furniture today, not tomorrow. He wouldn't survive another night. She might kill him with her trident.  
But just thinking of the idea that he may have to sleep another night next to her brought him back into this troubled situation. Since when does she has such an effect on him again? It wasn't right and it will not be. "I am engaged," he told himself stepping under the ice cold shower spray, trying not to touch his erection. But it didn't work at all. His loins were aching. He told himself that this was a onetime thing, a onetime thing. Stopping the cold spray he leaned against the tile wall, closing his eyes, touching himself.

The scene was pretty easy but it just didn't escape his mind since he woke up. She was dressed in a dark blue negligee, ending mid thigh. Her hair curled, she was kneeling on the bed, slowing letting one finger dance over her bare shoulder, softly moving the strap down. The only light was the flickering of some candles in the room. She teased him, slowly moving towards the other shoulder before she let the silk and lace mix glide to her hips, exposing her breasts …

Just the imagination made him come.

~*~

The color of the bedrooms had dried noon so that the furniture could be put upstairs and arranged. Thankfully the kids were calm this day, played in the playpen and gave Addison and Derek the chance to avoid each other by being in different parts of the big house.

Addison's phone rang suddenly while she tried to make the foreign handworkers where she wanted which part of her bedroom furniture to be positioned.

"Hello Richard," she said loud enough though Derek would her it downstairs, while walking towards the kitchen to boil some water for tea. "Sure, do you want to come over so we can talk? I am not really able to leave at the moment with all the handworkers and the kids around …." Derek just stared at her, not knowing what that was about. "Sure, I cannot offer you a lot yet but we have tea, coffee and some juices." He noticed the smile on her lips. "See you in twenty."

He didn't know what to say at first. "Richard called. He wants to come over so we can talk about work." Derek wasn't sure if he really had thought that far, that she would also work again, in his hospital, soon?

"You want to go back to work soon?"

"Sure. While things here are arranged I will look for a nanny and arrange my surgeries that I don't have to work nights and weekends, so a light schedule probably but I can't live without work." Nor could he. "Fine," was his reply before leaving to take care of the kids a little bit.

"Derek, did you think that I would give up work now and stay home 24/7?"

"No … I didn't … but … "

"Spill it."

"I thought you would like to stay home a little longer to get used to the kids and the kids to you."

"I am not an only parent on this Derek. If you want this, you could make arrangements so you can stay home a little bit longer. "

With those words he went upstairs again and she was right, he thought. Maybe he should take a few days off to play, feed, take care of them. But going back to work together would be better for the picture they want to present.

A little later he headed upstairs to say sorry for everything. Not knocking on the door he opened her bedroom and had to stop for a second. It was a huge room; he hadn't noticed it before being completely empty. The walls were higher than in other rooms and there was a skylight. He hadn't noticed it before.

"Addison …"

"Richard will be around in a few…"

"I just wanted to say I am sorry," he said, nearly whispering. This made her come out of the bathroom, wearing black tight jeans and a matching cashmere pullover, v-cut and pearls around her neck.

"Sorry about what Derek?"

"What I said. You are right, probably I should take days of if I want that but I cannot. I will work on my schedule, cancel weekends and nights too."

"You don't have to. I don't care spending time with them alone. Nevertheless they sleep at night; there is no need for two people to be around." Probably it sounded harder than she wanted it to be. Again, she played with her rings, he noticed.

"So Richard coming around, we should start the first act of our play?"

"Hm…" she said, pushing some strands behind her ear, "I guess we have to."

During the day most of the furniture was put up, the new sofa was still missing but the living room had its shelves, boards; the dining room the perfect table and chairs with two highchairs for the twins …. The guest room was about to get its color the next day, Derek had picked a light olive.

Richard arrived and seemed a little bit surprised.

"From a trailer to a mansion," was his first statement when he entered the hall. "It's good to see you again, Addison." Richard said softly and pulled her into a hug. "Derek," he further said and they shook hands.

Walking to the living room, where the kids were playing on a huge blanket. Richard just stared at them, not in shock but wondering what happened.

While drinking tea Derek and Addison told him the whole story, sitting next to each other, he had one arm around her shoulders, she was leaning into him. Has she noticed that she was giving him a hard time, smelling her hair, her perfume, touching her shoulder? Probably not.

"Well, and so it happened that we got married."

"But what about Meredith?"

"Look, Richard," Addison said, "it's not like we wanted to hurt somebody but we never lost the contact and somehow, being in New York, staying in the brownstone brought back old memories. We both made mistakes but we are just meant to be together. Where is the sense behind having relationships if you compare the new partner always to the ex?"

Richard nodded, probably understanding what Addison tried to point out.

"Do you want more tea?" Derek asked Richard and headed towards the kitchen. Before he was able to do anything he head to lean against the counter and take some deep breaths. It wasn't only the fact that they were lying to a good friend, it was also that Richard would talk to Meredith and make those things work out harder. He wasn't yet able to think about the first day back at work, the looks, stares, the rumors.

"I want you to finish all the work over here, get used to the kids before you go back to work."

"We already talked about it Richard. We'll get a nanny and return as soon as possible, we love the hospital."

"What about Los Angeles, Addison?"

I talked to Naomi and we agreed on all the points. She understands my situation and position and we stay, for now, in Seattle."

"Well, your position is still free for you Addison and I welcome you back."

They chatted about the fact that she wanted a lighter schedule, not like Bailey working days and nights. Later both men watched as Addison tried to get some food into Lillian who didn't want to eat this time.

While walking Richard through the house, the older man mentioned. "If you would have told me a month ago that you and Addison would get back together I would have asked you, if you have a brain tumor. But just seeing her there with the kids … amazing! I never had taken her for the motherly type, you two never said something about kids at all … "

"Actually Richard you know a lot about our marriage but not everything. There were times, but that was long ago. "

"Sure but look at her, they slowly turned around, this sparkling in her eyes, the softness of her smile. I haven't seen her like that before, never ever."

"You are right," Derek had to give in, observing her a little longer. She wore her expensive cashmere. Some would become angry but she didn't, she tried another spoon and another.

"You have to take care of her, she isn't the devil, or however they call her." As if Derek wouldn't know. "Maybe on your early days in New York she was but you broke her the last time she was here, now you have to take care of her, help her with the kids …"

A nod was the whole response. Why would Richard tell him stuff like that? Had he noticed something?

~*~

Since the nursery still smelled freshly painted, they had moved the cribs for one night to Addison's room after quite a few discussions.

"Can they already take a bath," Derek asked in amusement, staring at Lillian who still had carrot pap in her hair.

"Sure, why do you think they couldn't take a bath? I mean they can't on their own but yeah, they can bath."

"Oh …. "

"Derek, did you skip the baby stuff while I attended it at med school?"

He just had to laugh. "Well, I have been there but … "

"No, Derek, we aren't going into this direction, no, no, no. So, let's bath them. See, they are already sitting on their own, soon they will crawl and within the next month start to stand up and run."

"Okay…"

He headed to Addison's bathroom and wanted to start the bath. "Why is it that you're always using my bathroom? There are still your stumbles all over the sink and the bathroom floor still wet. Why aren't you able to use your own?" It wasn't harsh but demanding. Without a word he cleaned the sink and wanted to head out. "Derek, come on. The room is already heated up because I planned to take a bath, so … start it but not too hot, no additional stuff, just water."

When had he forgotten how babies work? They love water, especially those two. They were sitting there, splashing, babbling, and playing with a rubber duck they had found in the baby bag. In the end the kids were both tired and the adults wet to their skin.

"You know Addison, you shouldn't bath in Cashmere …," he said while watching her use her hair dryer to softly dry the twins' hair and body. They still giggled, enjoying the warm, not hot, air.

"Derek, you haven't been so funny in ages," she said with a slight sarcasm in her voice.

~*~

"Yeah mom, sure … I think he is coming …", Addison was standing in her bathrobe in the middle of the living room, Derek's cell on her ear. Addison pointed towards Derek and he knew already who was on the phone, it wasn't her mom but his own.

"Hello mom, how are you?"

"Derek … tell me immediately why Addison picked up."

"Mom, give me a second …" he headed with the phone towards the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of beer and went into the study. He didn't close the doors but Addison had turned on the TV. "It's a little complicated and you won't believe me."

"Spill it Derek."

"Addison and I … we got married in New York a few days ago …"  
There was a pregnant silence on the other side.

"Finally Derek, finally you got your guts together and left this 12 year old intern."

"She isn't an intern anymore."

"Who cares, you belong to Addison, always have."

"Thanks mom. Oh, by the way we are parents now too …"

"Don't make fun of me; I am an old lady with an old heart."

"I don't make fun mom," he juggled. "We are parents now but the reason isn't funny at all." He started to tell her the primped version of them staying in New York, regaining their feelings … Half an hour later Addison came into the study with a post-it note for him, saying "Invite her for Thanksgiving & your sisters".

"Oh by the way mom, Addison wanted to ask you if you want to come over to Seattle for Thanksgiving."

"What about your sisters?"

"Sure, take them all with you. Addison's smiled turned into rolling eyes knowing that his mom was a lovely woman but his sister's could be a handful, especially Kathleen and Suzanne.

"Will Addison's parents also be there?"

"Wait a second … Addison," he stared at her, "your parents at Thanksgiving?" Addison shook her head and he knew that they would have to invite them. "She doesn't know it yet." If looks could kill, Derek would have been dead by now.

"Do you want to come over for Christmas? You know we usually have lots of snow and …"

"Maybe mom, maybe but I have to ask Addison before we make any plans for Christmas."

"Remember her cooking skills." Derek had to laugh. "I know mom, I know."

Addison left the study again and got back to watch her show, snuggled under a blanket within seconds. "You don't need to invite your parents, if you don't want to," Derek said a few minutes later after giving his goodbye to Carolyn Shepherd.

"Oh yeah, sure … it's just a matter of time. I have to invite Bizzy and the Captain. What did Carolyn say about Christmas?"

"She asked us to celebrate with them."

"Oh … well, why not." Addison replied and yawned.

"Shall I get you a TV for the bedroom?"

"You get me a TV? Well actually I already gave it some thoughts and agreed with myself that it's only a distraction. If you want one for the guestroom, it's okay."

"Don't call it guestroom Addison."

"Well, we call it guestroom since you are only unofficially sleeping there."

"And I have my cloths there …"

"Yeah, I think that this is a mistake. If there is a DCF lady like in New York, this one would betray us."

"But I think that you don't have any space for my cloths in the walk-in-closet."

"Derek don't be funny I have many cloths but have you seen this walk-in-closet? It's huge; it's at least twice the size of the one in New York." He juggled.

"You should go to bed, it's already after ten."

"Sorry, I haven't thought about you sleeping here. I'll grab a book and head to bed."

"I don't want you to … "

"Tomorrow will be a long they and they usually get up at 7 latest."

"Which book will you get?"

"Hmm … well, I only have the ones from Los Angeles over here, maybe Colette's 'Chéri' or 'The Scarlet Letter'?" She replied and made her way towards the library part of the house, five minutes later he heard her taking the steps upstairs.

Not being able to fall asleep made him head to the library. He had always been curious about Addison's taste in books. Usually she was reading in bed, on holidays, in the tub but it seems like she had more time to do some readings in Los Angeles than before.

Derek wanted to grab a book, to read a few pages and fall asleep. Meredith rarely read books, maybe two in a year and those usually had been gifts from Izzie. Her taste had always been kind of strange and this hadn't changed at all. In one of the shelves were about three meters of cheap paperbacks which looked like they had been read more than once. He went through the backs of the books – Frank McCourts, Sarah Strohmeyers, Tess Gerritsens, … and finally he saw a bunch of books she had tried to hide in a secret second row – erotic novels by Colette Gale. "God, Addison, I never thought you'd read these books…" he said to himself, went through the titles and grabbed the first one 'Master: An Erotic Novel of the Count of Monte Cristo'. After fifty pages he finally fell asleep.

~*~

_September 20_

_Sometimes I really want to kick some sense into him. I went to bed alone and woke up with an erection pressed against my … firstly it wasn't my butt at all and a warm hand squeezing my breast. Why? He should have stayed at Meredith's, doing whatever with her and not slip into bed with me. I am very thankful for female anatomy again; he wasn't the only one who was aroused.  
Soon I have to find a way to release the tension because if just a week with Derek makes those things to my body, what will a month or a year do? Drive me nuts? Turn my brain into green jelly? _

_We all know that self pleasure is a nice way to get rid of lust but it isn't everything, at least not for me. I tried it after Naomi and Violet talked me into purchasing this shower head and it was nice but the best vibrator doesn't give me the same feeling. With a man there is still the peradventure of what will be or come next. Give me one with a mind of its own. Please! _

_I didn't say a word about it and it seems like we'll forget about it – like always. We are good in not dealing with certain things. At least he has a plug to release his tension … if he has any. Meredith. Derek... _

~*~

The following morning was busy, people bringing the last pieces of furniture and in the afternoon they wanted to head to the hospital to sign some papers and arrange a few things, for example the daycare, till they have found the perfect nanny.

They put all of Derek's cloths in the master bedroom and Lillian screamed most of the early afternoon refusing any lunch, except lukewarm fennel tea. Even the smell of it made Derek nauseas.

"Teeth, Derek, teeth", Addison said spontaneously while packing the baby bag.

"What have you just said?"

"I think that she is about to get some teeth that's why she is so fuzzy. We'll need to get some gel in the hospital. Poor girl" Addison finished while brushing over Lillian's hair, who was dressed in a small dark blue dress with a matching hat.

"And we need to buy some diapers, pap, fruits and coffee on the way back home."

Derek was lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear most of it. He hadn't talked to Meredith ever since but he needed to feel her, now. Addison dressed like this was killing him – dark blue pencil skirt with a matching low cut jacket, a Tomas Sabo necklace with some pedants he had never seen before but he didn't want to stare into her cleavage at all. Not to forget those dark blue high heel boots.

"Derek … earth to Derek." She said, brushing with her hand over his ear. "Oh … sorry", he said looking up at her. "You aren't wearing your ring," she noticed pointing at his ring finger. "I must have forgotten to put it back on after the shower." He headed upstairs and collected it, nervously.

~*~

Their walk with the double stroller wasn't a funny one. Derek was pushing the babies while Addison was carrying his briefcase, letting everybody see her rings.

The first one who saw them was Bailey. She stared at them in disbelieve.

"I didn't believe the rumors," she glared at Derek.

"Rumors" Derek asked.

"Yeah, you and Addison married again and that those two" she pointed at the twins "are yours. You spent a weekend together at the Convention in Los Angeles and …"

"Stop Miranda, only half of it is real."

"So … this convention Derek," the black doctor said to McDreamy, "let me count … must have taken place not long after her departure …" Addison laughed and hugged Miranda, saying loud enough for Nurse Kendra to hear it "We got married a couple of days ago in New York."

"No, "Bailey replied in disbelieve. "Yes we did, look" Addison showed her the rings.

Before they were able to reach Richard's office the first bets were closed, the pots established which of the Shepherd would sleep around first, how long it would last and if Addison might be pregnant - again.

"Doctor Stevens," Bailey screamed towards the nursing station, "come over. You'll look at the Shepherd's twins. Karev, you'll help."

"Miranda, there is no need."

"We don't have any emergencies at the moment and I am sure that you it won't take long. Please, Addison, let me do this," she nearly whispered towards the redhead. Without further discussions, Derek pushed the kids towards an empty room and Addison tried to explain a few things. The newlywed husband noticed that Karev was staring into his "wife's" cleavage, and probably further down if possible, since she started to talk to him. "Karev," he only warned a little louder than usual in such situations and the young man flinched knowing what he had done.

On their way to Richard, hand in hand, many eyes were on them, staring and whispering. "Why have you been loud with Alex," Addison asked sounding a little innocent. Derek stopped abruptly and she with looked at him. "Are you serious"? Her eyebrow reached new highs. Addison, you are my wife. Husbands don't like that stuff," he replied and Addison walked towards him, a smile dancing on her lips and placed a soft kiss on his mouth. Derek got nervous; this hadn't been in their arrangement. Seconds later he realized that Cristina had been hiding in one of the rooms and Addison had probably noticed her. "Yeah, I know that you like to do this too," she said and played the innuendo back towards him. "Alex is like that, had always been looking to get a free show. You want me to dress like a nun?" She said lightheartedly. "That would be a change" was the only reply before entering the chief's office.

Derek couldn't look at her how she was crossing and uncrossing her legs, how her blouse hugged her breasts perfectly with every breath and how she was playing with the necklace. She had always been evil in case of teasing but this was too much for him. He knew that he was able to play along, pass the innuendos towards her and wait for a reply.

Addison signed her new contract and they agreed on a very light schedule for the beginning. There had been no discussions about rank or money, not like the last time.

Walking back towards the kids and Izzie Callie passed their way and dragged Addison with her into the next on-call-room.

"Tell me, is it true what I have heard? You gave birth to Derek's twins a year ago?" Addison only had to chuckle.

"Actually … no," she said and laughed, the two women sitting down on the bed. In exactly this moment the door closed and Derek couldn't hear what she was telling Callie. Later, when she joined him again she seemed to be happy. "You know Shepherd, half a minute after I left the room with Callie one of the new interns came out. He must have been sleeping on the very last bed." "Did you shock him?" "Sure, with all the dirty details of our wedding night." She said with a teasing undertone. The nurses knew everything now, probably every detail after the intern had left the room anyway. Perfect, in an ironical way.

~*~

The first day back at work wasn't as funny as the day before just walking in. Derek got a patient with a complicated amorism and needed to go into surgery twenty minutes before he had planned to leave, being already late.

He hadn't seen Addison the whole day, even working a light schedule made him tired from being up at night twice because of Lillian. After five hours of surgery he was tired, worn out and only wanted to relax for a bit.

Suddenly his cell started ringing. He looked at the caller ID – Mark Sloan. He thought twice before picking it up. "What do you want Mark," Derek asked annoyed.

"I think that we need to talk." Want to meet at Joe's?"

"No, actually I think its better we meet at a different place. What about the Sport's bar on St. Thomas and Minor Ave North?"

"Hopefully it's important Mark because I could fall asleep every second."

"Sure it is," Mark said firmly.

After a quick shower Derek left the hospital, not calling Meredith, not calling Addison.

~*~

After some beer and some chatting about hospital stuff Mark brought up the reason why he wanted to talk to Derek, finally.

"I know Derek that this isn't real. I know you two too well."

"What are you talking about?" Derek asked nursing a new beer.

Maybe you are married but you are acting around us. You don't love her the way you should love a wife, like you loved her years before." Derek didn't reply. Was it that obvious? "I mean you are doing a good job, yelling at Karav for staring down, touching Addison on the small of her back but it isn't real, it isn't." Mark took a sip himself. "And you know how I feel about Addison. I love her in many ways and if you hurt her again, I will probably have to castrate you."

After a pregnant pause Derek told him the whole story of Savanna and Weiss' death and the adoption process, noting about Addison's breakdown in Los Angeles, nothing about him pressed against her that one morning, only the main facts, in a quite make-up version.

Quite a few beers and shots later, Derek got himself, somehow, into a cab.

He told the drive the first address that came up his drunken mind.  
And it wasn't his house.

~*~


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

_September 21_

_I do not understand now how I could be afraid of taking care of the twins. I could never be afraid of taking care of kids, I already love those two. How could I give that up? Things with Derek are different, more complicated than ever. He touches me if needed and I do the same vice versa but I am afraid that things might not work out... I read on the internet that it's easy to lose the battle against DCF, especially if you take your situation for granted, if you have money and make them think that it is impossible for them to take the kids away. _

_In contrary to New York I know now that giving up my life in Los Angeles is worth it because they are giving so much back, when they are giggling, babbling or just their happy smiles. _

_Taking care of abandoned kid in Los Angeles was different. Those kids were mostly unwanted, taken away, sometimes nearly death. Of course I put all I had in them but I always knew that it was nearly impossible to have a chance, to adopt. Maybe I would have had a chance once or twice but I never tried hard enough, always with the hope deep inside that their mother's would want them back because they already had bonded. _

_I have bonded. Lillian is a magnificent girl, except for our teething experience now. Actually I could live without that, at least being home alone. Callie left a little after 11pm and I have been in their room now the third time since then. Derek isn't home yet but well, I didn't really count on it.  
…. Maybe I did. But maybe he has found a way of working things out with Meredith; maybe he has a way of …. What do I know? I won't ask because I don't want to hear the answer. _

_Well though … have to leave it now because my little Lillian is already awake again._

_~* ~_

Waking up was different from today. Not yet able to open his eyes, Derek smelled another detergent, hair conditioner – different but familiar. He snuggled back into the sheets, a body pressed towards him, falling back to sleep.

Later the same morning, finally fully awake, he realized that he was nude, the body wrapped around him too and it was a blondish brown haired woman, not a redhead. He hadn't slept with Addison.

Meredith….  
He watched her soft, relaxed, teenage liked features in a perfect slumber of soft snoring. He touched her lips with his fingers, brushed a few strands behind her ear and noticed her waking up. This had been the decision he had made long before. His heart told him to kiss her, to touch her but his head was going into another direction.

She stirred a little bit and turned, so she was facing him.

"Good morning," she said with a sleepy voice, smile dancing on her lips.

"Good morning to you." Derek answered, smiling down at her.

Without many words they started kissing, making out. Of course he asked himself how he ended in this situation but she took all that doubts away, for the next hour.

~*~

He was pretty thankful that the weekend just had started and he wouldn't have to go to work with this kind of headache he had. Again he was sitting in front of his house, where his "family" was waiting for him. He didn't want to argue with Addison about what happened what night but he knew that he would have to face it.

He had responsibilities to take care of. He had children now.

When he entered the house he heard soft music from the study, looking at his watch it was shortly before 11 in the morning.

"Hey you," Derek said, while he noticed that Addison was sitting at the desk, both kids in her lap.

"Good morning Derek," he heard her say, nothing more. "What are you doing?"

"We are looking through some photos. I have found a CD while unpacking stuff." Slowly walking behind her, he saw those photos he didn't even dream to think of in a situation like this. The photos were snapshots of Addison and Savanna during a shopping trip what seemed to be Rome or Paris to him. "Old pictures," he asked.

"Not that old, Derek. It was shortly before I headed to Seattle to run after you," she replied without judging any part of it, with a change of voice.

She didn't ask where he had been and he didn't say anything and it went on like this for the next couple of weeks. At hospital they acted like the perfect couple, peeks on a cheek, nothing more. Rushing into on-call-rooms to laugh behind closed doors, napping and not having sex like most people assumed. At night they parted. Sometimes he stayed home, helped her with the kids, especially during the day on weekends, and sometimes he didn't come home and didn't help on weekends. Whenever he was needed he was there. If she didn't ask, he sometimes asked and if she didn't need him, he was gone.

The trailer had become their hidden love net. Nobody asked questions. Meredith was looking forward to every single night they spent together and he knew that. There were hints on post-its, telling her if he would be on the other side of Seattle or with his wife. They never spent a night together at Meredith's house again, knowing that it would be too risky.

They had found a lovely nanny, Margaret, a wife of about nearly sixty years who has had given birth to eleven kids herself. Now they were living all over the country and she had been missing being around kids. Addison had picked her, put a single bed into the kid's playing room for emergencies – if she would get called in at night and Derek wasn't there.

But there were days, Derek noticed that he had missed different things. He wasn't around when Lillian went straight from pushing herself up against the bookshelf in the library to making her first steps. He wasn't around when both had run a high fever and Addison had rushed them after the second night into the emergency – mostly because he didn't know it. But the point was, he never asked.

~*~

_October 30_

_The visit of the DCF lady went well. I had taken the day off to show her around. She wasn't like the one in New York – younger, friendlier and later she told me, a single mom. She asked questions about the kid's health, their habits and if there were any changed in behavior, not being with their blood parents anymore. I think I won the race, so to say._

_Sometimes I really ask myself why I am doing all that on my very own. I dare to say that Derek is a bad father but sometimes they just miss him, when I put them down – Oliver asking "Dada?". I know what he means.  
Sometimes it would just be nice to have some company at night, not sit around alone, doing research work, read a book or watch TV but communicate with somebody. I am in no position to invite Callie over three times a week without telling her the truth. _

_I feel like I am missing something for real and I don't talk about sex, romance and things like that. There are other ways. But sometimes I feel like … I can't describe it at all. _

~*~

_November 17_

_Oliver already had a light fever when I put him down and I really hoped that with sleep and some WIK crème things would get better, they didn't. First of all he woke me up at 2am and six times afterwards till 6 am in the morning, not that I really had fallen back to sleep again. _

_Things at work were rather stressful since the triplets of Ms. M decided to come with 45 minutes between them which pushed my surgery schedule two hours back, I didn't leave till 4:30 am, over three hours later than planned and I could have fallen asleep sitting in the car in front of a red signal light. _

_Thankfully Derek was home and cooked some dinner. Now both of the kids have a sinusitis and actually I feel too like I am coming down with something. Now after dinner, tea and some aspirin I am already in bed and it's just after 10, the kids are asleep and Derek said that he'd take care of them tonight. _

~*~

It was the third time in a row he had to get up at night because the kids were sick and Addison was in bed with a fever and sinusitis too. Arizona came to check on the kids because Derek insisted.

"You are sleeping in the guestroom?" Arizona asked and there Derek noticed that he had forgotten to put things away and close the bed.

"I don't want to get sick too," he said quickly and Arizona nodded. Derek got sick very seldom and he was quite happy about that fact especially now.

"You know, I can take a look at Addison now too."

"Sure, she'll be happy to have some company." Arizona just shot him a look of astonishment and opened the door after knocking to the master bedroom. The whole room smelled like tea, cough syrup and eucalyptus. Derek walked up behind Arizona, ashamed that he hadn't noticed that before, and tucked the blanket a little further over Addie's shoulders, which was sound asleep before he opened the balcony door to let some fresh but cold November breeze fill the room.

"Do you want some tea Arizona and give her a look in half an hour?"

"Sure, let's get downstairs."

They walked in silence. Derek had noticed the slight chaos everywhere; he hadn't had the time to clean up since she was sick in bed. "I am sorry for the way this house looks like, Arizona."

They drank tea and later on he heard steps coming from the first floor. Addison came downstairs in flannel pajamas and a robe, handkerchiefs in her hand.

"I didn't know that we have guests," she said between sneezing.

"She came to look after the kids and you."

"I don't need a doctor Derek, I am one myself."

"Sit down Addison, Derek was about to make another cup of tea."

Addison sat down next to Arizona. The blond doctor pressed her hand against Addison's head. She didn't have high temperature anymore. She checked her pulse and talked a little bit about the twins with her.

Addison went back to bed shortly after and Derek went Arizona to the door. "You should take care of her a little bit even if she refuses to need help. Her temperature is down finally but she hasn't eaten probably in a few days, maybe you could get her some chicken and rice, some fruit afterwards, a light meal. But I know you do your best."

When he went through the freezer there was still some frozen chicken in it and he was able to cook rice. First of all he started to defrost. While this he started to clean up the house, during this he found the photo album of their first wedding on the desk in the study. He looked through the photos, their happy past. Even knowing what happened years later he knew that those years have been the best of his life. Her wedding dress had been awesome, a white lace corsage and a wide long skirt, pearls around her neck, the long hair put up in an exclusive undo with pearls in it.

When the meal was ready he put his and hers into a tray and headed upstairs. She was awake, reading some medical magazine.

"Hey you," he said softly while pushing the door open.

"Oh …thank you Derek," she replied while he put the try onto the bed and sat down next to her. She indeed seemed to have an appetite.

"You know, my mom called today to tell me the flight numbers of the whole crew. She insists to stay with us, Nancy too, to help with the kids."

"Thanksgiving," she said with a sigh, "have you booked any rooms for the rest of the clique?" Derek nodded while biting into a piece of chicken.

"What about cooking?"

"Cooking? Do you remember what happened the last time you cooked for my family?" Both had to laugh.

"Well, the twins are still alive and I learned how to cook from Margaret really well. She told me she would help preparing the meal if I want."

"I guess that's a deal. We should give her the days afterwards off so she can see her kids."

"Yeah, we should. This is delicious Derek."

"It's only chicken and rice Addie."

He stayed with her till she fell asleep, pulled the covers over her shoulders and watched her a little longer before going downstairs to call Meredith. He pressed the 3 on his speed dial and waited for her to pick up.

"Hey you," he said. He told her in the morning he would call, so he had to.

"You can talk?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You are at your place. So how are the twins?"

Arizona had been checking them today …."

"Sure, okay."

"You don't care, do you? So how was your day?"

She told him about her surgeries and the lunch break with Izzie that Richard had called in sick – stuff he already knew but he was listening to her, being a good boyfriend. But was he really her boyfriend? During the last few days at home I noticed what he missed more and more and that he had put Addison into the situation of a single parent. He hadn't known that she was sick before they sent her home from work. He didn't care about Izzie, Cristina or Alex and he never had but he never had said it clearly, thought that she would notice it sooner or later. It never happened.

The baby monitor let him know that one of them was awake and screaming.

"Meredith, I have to stop now. Lillian is screaming and I don't want them to wake Addison up." He knew that she was jealous of mostly everything since he was home with his sick family. She didn't understand it. Her mom never stayed home with her, so she didn't understand why Addison stayed home first and not just the Nanny but now that she was sick too, she didn't get it why he was there too, to also get sick?

When he finally got upstairs Addison was already in the nursery, Lillian on her arm, rocking her back to sleep. She softly sang a lullaby Derek had never heard before from her and let Derek know to be silent.

Closing the door, he shoved Addison back into her bedroom. "You should be in bed and sleep."

"She woke me up."

"Sorry, I was on the phone. "You need to get back in bad"

"I am not tired Derek."

"So, let's watch a movie. I saw that there is "Woman of the year" on tonight."

"o.k..." She said softly and got under the covers of her bed. Derek collected more orange juice from downstairs, some aspirin and got into bed next to her. Without thinking a lot about his action, he put an arm around Addison's shoulder and let he head rest on his chest while they were watching Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in one of their first movies. During the last parts he had put on the timer, together they fell asleep.

~*~

The preparations for the Thanksgiving ceremony went well. Margaret made Addison a list, what to do first and how things should get arranged – Derek joked about it all the time.

A day before the whole Shepherd family would arrive, Derek asked Addison out for dinner, something they usually never did and Mark volunteered to babysit. Derek had been through quite a few arguments with Meredith lately and he was glad that Addison never asked any questions. He knew too well that she didn't ask because she didn't want to know the answered. It was like an unsaid agreement. But things had changed since the three of them had been sick and Derek had realized that Meredith didn't care about Addison, he could have lived with that, but also not about the kids at all. That was a point he hadn't wanted to see for a long time. He had wanted to save with relationship with her because they had fight once and he thought that he could do it again but somehow, he felt like the thrill was gone. Except for hospital matters they had no topics to talk about nor did they share any hobbies, friends or intersects.

"Where do we go to since you made me wear a new dress?" Addison asked hugging herself tighter in the black woolen coat.

"Let's see …." He drove into the city. He wanted to spoil her knowing that the days ahead wouldn't be easy on any of them, playing house, playing family, playing a happy married couple. And they stopped in front of a restaurant called "Caulis".

In view from inside was amazing, overlooking Seattle. Derek had asked for a rather private table, so they got one in a lovely warm corner, not sitting really opposite each other but next to, to have a great view. After the first and second course – Dungeness Crab Cake and Sun choke Soup - the topics of their discussions deepened while waiting for the lobster, Derek had ordered. Addison was sipping on her Chardonnay and he looked at her as his wife for the first time since they had signed the paper. She was not just a classic beauty; she was far more than that. The strapless black dressed hugged her like a second skin, the dark blue and sparkling necklace made her eyes more blue. It is not like he never had noticed her beauty but now it felt differently.

"You are staring at me." Addison said softly, a little bit nervous.

"Am I not allowed to stare at my wife?" He said with pure honesty in his wife. The statement made her smile. "Why did you do all this for me? For us?

There was a silence before she was able to reply. He noticed that she didn't want to look at him, so when she started to say something, he took her chin, gently, with his fingers and moved her to look straight into his eyes.

"Well … I love them; I don't know why I thought that I couldn't do it in the beginning at all. I love children …. I always wanted to have one but as it looks like this never should happen. Don't get this wrong but I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for myself too. It was something like a miracle, the offer to raise those two remarkable kids and even the thought of giving up … I don't know why it ever crossed my mind." She tried to look away but Derek pushed her chin up again, holding her face with his hand. "It is my only possibility of motherhood," she said, "because when I left Seattle … I gave pregnancy a thought … but it … it would have been nearly impossible, impossible." A tear was running down her cheek. He had hoped for many replies but never counted on such an answer, full of pain and hope. Softly he pulled her towards him, putting small kisses on her neck, mumbling soft words while her tears flow.

"Why did you never tell?" Derek asked softly while making small circles on her back for comfort.

"It is nothing you easily talk about." She replied.

"Let me," he said and with a handkerchief he gently swapped away the remains of her soft crying. Her honesty made him feel closer to her, made him want to work harder on this whole agreement. She smiled at him. Without thinking further he brushed his lips against hers. Before she could reply the waiters brought their main course and they separated again.

They didn't talk about the kiss over lobster or desert or on the way home. He was allowed to hold her hand, fingers entwined, not the usual way before it.

The moment they opened the door, Mark walked into their direction. "You look amazing Addison," he said softly and helped her out of the coat again. "And this dress … wow … perfect." Derek always hated to hear his innuendo play towards him, this time he even felt some jealousy rise in the deep of him, especially after he heard what Mark was only whispering into Addison's ear, something like "I'd give some bucks to know what you are wearing under this dress." Addison laughed over it, Mark too in his soft way and Derek felt more and more uncomfortable. "It's not for you to know," had been her cocky answer, her voice lower than usual.

The tension was unbelievable between them and Mark noticed it, so he told Derek before he left. Addison had gone upstairs to look after the kids and go to bed.

He had shut off all lights downstairs and before he could do the same in his own bedroom, he saw her standing in the doorway in a black silk robe.

"Hey," she said softly, not moving into the room but standing there. "I only wanted to say thank you for this lovely night." Her makeup had been washed off, her hair freshly brushed.

"You are welcome", he replied with a smile. "I really had a good time myself."

No more words were said before both of them fell asleep, in separate rooms, in separate beds.

End part 6


	7. Chapter 7

The babies let them once sleep in a little bit, only waking up around eight in the morning, which seemed to be luxury at the very moment. This Saturday wasn't just a normal Saturday it was the day before Thanksgiving, the day Derek's family would arrive between noon and the early evening.

He got used to the looks at the hospital. He knew that there were bets and pools running but he didn't care because he knew that they would win this little game. Somehow he liked work because he could be near her without a glare from her, not that she did this at home but he was afraid she would.

After coffee and croissants, getting the kids clean and ready, things went down a little bit because they had to move everything from the guestroom to the master bedroom, clean his bathroom – lots of things they hadn't realized yet. Addison put on new sheets in the guestroom, arranged the bed in the playroom and even arranged for somebody to sleep on the sofa, stored away for now – with Derek's family you never knew.

"Take a deep breath", Derek said towards Addison. She already looked tired, her hair was put together in a lose bun, her jeans were dusty and her hands dirty. "Come, we still have more than an hour, head upstairs and take a bath in that huge tub of yours."

"What about you?" She asked and looked down on him. He didn't look much better.

"It's not like I can jump in with you," he joked and started on the some fruit meal for the kids.

She didn't reply but left.

~*~

Later Addison came down in another pair of tight black jeans and a green, tight hugging blouse. Derek didn't help her try to get the necklace fastened but had to stare at the cleavage. "You want to go out like his?" he asked. "What?" He could see her bra from where he was standing. "Could you help me," Addison asked and pointed towards her attempt. "Sure." He walked up behind her. She smelled like vanilla and lavender today. He inhaled her scent deeply. After fastening it, she turned around and smiled. "Don't you like what I wear?" "Sure I do, but …, "in this moment he just did it, he brushed her skin to fasten the one button which, in his opinion, had shown too much. Doing this made him tingle, made him feel the warmth of her body, made him smell her more intensively. "Oh," was all she said while she let him work.

~*~

They were waiting at the airport for Derek's mom and Nancy arrived first.

"God those are adorable," Nancy said and hugged Addison tight. They always had gotten along very well. Nancy got on eye level with the twins and said hello, played with their hands for a moment.

"Good do see you Addie," were the words of her mother in law. No tight hugs but the usual hello-kissing. Derek noticed the distanced way of his mother, knowing that she remembered Addison cheating with Mark too well. The only person he had called, to let know where he was, was his mother, telling her what had happened, what he had interrupted. She never blamed him for moving on with words, she didn't need to. In her opinion marriage had always been a play for two – it only breaks if both aren't working on it.

The drive home changed, Nancy and Addison were chatting about the kids and Derek was talking with his mom. Addison seemed happy with him but quite nervous. Her hands had been resting in her lap most of the time. The family van they now owned had been a need to store the big stroller and both car seats and maybe even some grocery at the same time in it.

They showed them the house. Addison was not speaking a lot to her mother in law before dinner. Derek walked them to their rooms and headed quickly back downstairs, while they freshened up.

"You feeling well," he asked coming up behind her.

"Yeah, I am okay, I guess."

"Sure?"

"Well yes. Your mom has been rather silent towards me."

"You know, she is like that sometimes. But she is happy that you are happy. She told me that." Addison smiled. He helped her to prepare the dining room, got some white wine and soda from the cellar and just came back shortly before his mother came downstairs.

Up to the moment they hadn't shown much affection in his mother's presents. He wanted to. He wanted to show her that this is real because he had the feeling that she doubted the whole situation from the way she was acting.

His mom hadn't seen them yet, he remembered her way of walking. Addison was standing at the stove, stirring some sauce. He closed the distances and hugged her from behind softly, bringing his hands up under her breasts, pressing his body against his. Because of her bun he had access to her neck and started to nip softly while making soft circles on her belly with his thumbs. "God this feels real," was what Derek was thinking. She let him do it, let his lips brush against the skin under her ear, he felt her shiver under his breath. He wanted to turn her around, kiss her but those thoughts were forbidden, not knowing how she felt about all this. So he tried to relax in the situation he was in, feeling the weight of her breasts against his arms but to relax being pressed against this red head was impossibility.

He felt his mother's eyes on them; he always had, from the early teenager days on. "Do you need any help," she asked while Derek didn't let go of Addison. "Thanks but it's nearly ready." "It smells tasty," the older lady commented with a smile on her lips, "you learned to cook." "I guess that would be a thank you. I have had a very patient teacher." Slowly Derek let her know, knowing that Addison didn't feel comfortable showing too much intimate moments with his family. "Indeed a good teacher. You should taste her spaghetti with seafood in red wine sauce." Carolyn headed towards the door because they were waiting for the rest of the Shepherd clan to arrive.

"It really tastes wonderful," Derek said and nipped on her neck.

"She isn't around anymore, so you don't have to do this." Her statement, even said in this slow, calm way, let him back off. Without another word he left the room to welcome his sisters Kathleen, Suzanna and Carol with their kids.

It was a warm welcome, with lots of hugs, kisses, till Addison came from the kitchen. Kathleen and Suzanna could let the hell freeze being around Addison. Like usually Addison came towards them, trying in a friendly way to forget the past and work on the future. Her attempt was slow till Derek grabbed her hand and pushed her softly towards him. "Addison," was the only welcoming word the sisters said with a nod. At least Carol was a friendlier person and hugged her warmly, not like Nancy but nearly. They had arrived without their husbands because two of the three were stationed in Iraq and the third was on a business trip in Europe and there US holidays didn't count. The kids looked tired – Brian and Gregory were 5, Joseph 9, Mary 8, Cybil 11 and the small ones, Samuel 3, Eleanor 2.

"I hope you are all hungry," Derek said and since they all loved their uncle Derek, they ran after him. Addison said nothing more and went back into the kitchen. Derek heard his mom say something to Kathleen and Suzanna but he already knew that this wouldn't turn out easy. As soon as he had arranged them all around the table he moved towards the kitchen to help Addison. He know her for so long now that it didn't take him long to realize that this was giving her a hard time.

The pot of pasta was already waiting to be moved to the dining room, the sauce was in a big bowl.

"Addie," he said while moving towards her and suddenly she headed for him, letting her head rest on his shoulder, her arms close around his body. "I don't know if this works …." "It will Addie, it will. They will see it. They will realize that it was the best decision we have ever made." "Kathleen and Suzanna…" "I know, my dear, I know but they have always been like this. They aren't like you, tall, sporty, beautiful…," he whispered in her ear, "They are pregnant most of the time, and if not they are dieting. They are jealous of you, your intelligence, money and you having me …. "The last words made him smile against her ear. "I have you?" "Sure, till the end of time. Isn't that what we decided to do? What we signed." She didn't reply but let herself rest a little longer against his body.

~*~

The meal was delicious even consisting of simple pasta Arrabiata and Carbonara.

"Kay, do you want some more," he asked his sister Carol which hadn't said a word during the meal.

"No thanks." She sad and got herself more wine.

"Not hungry?"

"I just don't want anymore Okay," she snapped.

"Sure." The kids in contrary all wanted a second serving and so this evening went on rather silent.

"So, Addison, how is work with such … babies at home?" Carol asked knowing that there was a need for some table conversation.

"I think we have a pretty good arrangement now. I work a light schedule; we have a nanny back home…"

"Nevertheless it's was your friends who died, so why should Derek do this?" Kathleen barked out.

"Kate …," Derek's mom warned.

"This is the no the moment for discussions like that," Carol commented towards her sister and got her a second serving.

Kathleen commanded her kids to get ready to leave for the hotel. Because of her, Suzanna left quickly too, so now it was only Derek's mom, Carol, Nancy, Addison and him.

"Do you want some coffee or tea," Addison asked and got up to head into the kitchen. The two year old Eleanor had already fallen asleep on a huge chair in the library, her brother Gregory next to her. Derek put up a fire in the living room and they arranged themselves around it, Addison served them coffee and Derek offered a cognac, which had been a present of one of his patients.

Addison was sitting next to him; he could feel her insecurity towards her mother-in-law. Addison was usually never insecure towards anybody but his mother had always been one of those persons who made Addison doubt herself. Carolyn had always been a perfect mother towards her kids and Addison, Derek knew, had never really had a mother but nannies, maids, everything you could get for money except the motherly love a girl needed. His hand, which he had put around her shoulders, was playing with her hair, softly brushing against her shoulder now and then. After a little cognac the whole situation softened a little bit.

"You know Derek, your father like cognac and a good cigar now and then." He hadn't known it. He had lost his father in his childhood; the memories were blurring except for the few pictures which were arranged around the house. He had been a tall handsome guy, often wearing a uniform on the photos because he had been in World War II. He had been a pilot but with no big rank.

A change of topic Nancy provided, "so have you two decided what to do for Christmas?"

"Actually …"Derek began to say but Addison placed her hand on his thigh to symbolize him to shut down for a moment.

"We would like to spend the holidays with you Carolyn," Addison replied. They hadn't discussed the topic yet but Derek knew that he remembered the great times they had, probably, and the fun in the snow and of course how much his mother loved to have all the family together on Christmas Day.

"Please give that hand away," Derek thought. Her delicious hand was like fire on his thigh. Addison never could stay emotionless, she always had to make circles, let her thumb get up and down. It was simply driving him nuts. He couldn't tell her, how much he longed for her touches.

The evening went on silently. Nancy told them about the new developments she was involved in her field of psychology and Carolyn told them about the kids, the fact that Henry, her husband, and she had a few problems lately but that she wouldn't want to discuss them now any further. Derek was surprised by the openness of his sister. Usually this family worked perfect, most of the problems stayed hidden in a dark shadow somewhere far away from family celebrations. In the end, Addison helped to arrange the sofa in the living room for Carolyn and the kids.

"You tired," Derek asked when he closed the door behind them in her bedroom.

"I think so."

"Your meal was delicious Addie."

"Thanks, you want into the bathroom first?" She asked while walking to the balcony door, opening it. The sky was clear, millions of stars on the firmament. "What a view," he said when he stood behind her on the balcony. "Yep, it's amazing."

He went to the bathroom first, brushed his teeth, combed his hair and went straight into the bedroom. He changed into a fresh pair of boxers while she got ready for bed. She came back in a pair of flannel pajamas.

He had to laugh, "You are not going to wear those in this bed."

"Sure."

"No. You never ever did this in New York and I am sure you haven't worn these in LA, so no, not this night. What would my mother think?"

"Your mother," she asked standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

"Yes, my mother, if you come down wearing that tomorrow morning."

"Derek," she shot one of those looks at him.

"If you want to wear pjs let them at least be silk, satin, lace, whatever but no flannel."

She laughed about the silliness of this argument. Got any preference?

He said with a smile and had to laugh. "You are wearing nothing tonight."

"Well I have to turn you down on this one, Shepherd."

"You want to see me cry?"

"Maybe…." She stopped in the middle of the sentence because he got out of bed and walked towards the drawer where her lingerie was stored. Derek opened it, went through the nighties and decided he would like white best. He didn't know if she was really about to wear it but playing innuendos towards her, was worth it.

He never had seen this one before. When she came out of the bathroom she seemed kind of shy, untypical for Addison. "What's up, Addie?", he asked. The bedroom was darkened except for the light on her nightstand. She didn't say another word but moved towards the bed. She had changed into it and it was barely able to hide anything. It went to mid thigh, the silk stopped a hand above it and the lace played softly in the end. The straps were nearly visible; the top parts were made of nearly shear lace … This nightie was already giving him troubles, big ones. Without words she slipped into the bed, covering herself up to the neck. She softly whispered a good night and didn't move towards Derek but let herself lay on her side, facing the window. But the urge to hold her, to be near her made him bold, knowing that she could back off, kick him, scream at him or something like that. He had been there with her and knew her reactions. But when he moved towards her, pulled her back against his chest, she didn't flinch but used his free arm as a pillow and allowed his arm rest on her belly. She didn't say something when he pressed his growing erection against the juncture of her legs. He noticed that she tried to stifle her moan, when he touched her. He had to smile.  
For tonight he didn't plan on going any further. He wanted her to know how he feels about her, what she does to him but nit press her into something she maybe wasn't ready for, maybe he wasn't ready for either.

He asked himself, being cuddled towards her, what it was the made him want her.  
It couldn't be sex because this was one of the things he could get somewhere else or go without; he had been at that point and discovered it.  
It couldn't be the promise of living together till the end of time. He has had that and knew that this couldn't be the reason why he felt drawn towards her, more and more.  
It couldn't be lust because he rarely acted out of such an elementary feeling.  
It couldn't be jealousness because there was no other man in her life, as far as he could tell.  
He knew that he wanted to feel her, smell her, taste her, hold her and know her again.

~*~

He couldn't remember a night he slept that well, dreamless but in once piece without waking up. He felt a body stir above him, slowly he opened his eyes and noticed that he was lying on his back and her body was pressed against him, one leg swung over his hips, her hand on his heart. He felt her breasts against his rips and that his hand was touching bare skin. The nightdress had ridden up.

He again closed his eyes, trying to savor this moment of new won intimacy.

~*~

Derek knew that she was awake when her fingers traced over his bare chest. He felt her breath brushing over his skin and her hair tickling his arm. Has it always been like this? He knew the answer too well; it had never been like this before. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, especially from where her leg was positioned over his hips. She had to be aware of the state his body was in, especially because her leg …. Derek couldn't think clear at this point anymore. He could look straight into her nightgown and she didn't seem to care. Or didn't she notice? He longed to let his hand brush over her naked backside. But he didn't. He held his hand in place.

Suddenly her leg moved a little bit which made him swallow hard.

"Don't Addison, don't move," he said softly but also demanding. She stopped her movement and lay still again. Now he let his free hand brush away a strand of her reddish hair out of her face. His fingers traced the way from her ear towards her nose and softly towards her lips. His eyes found their way to her rosy lips, over her chin and bit by bit towards her breasts. They had always fascinated him; he couldn't remember the form, their weight, their taste. He could see their rosy buds which aroused him even more. He wanted ….

Suddenly the door opened and a five year old stormed into the room, jumped into the bed and nearly threw him onto them.

They both had to stifle another moan when Addison moved her leg back and brushed over his full erection. But this moment was gone now that Gregory wanted their full attention.

"Mom sent me to wake you up," he said and now really jumped onto them, giggled and Addison was tickling him.

"Just give me and your auntie a few minutes and we'll be downstairs. Can you tell grandma I want my pancakes looking like turtles?" With a fascinated look and absolute anticipation Gregory stormed out of the room, the door nearly closed again behind him.

Derek and Addison had to laugh. She sat up slowly, letting her hands wander through her hair.

"You are beautiful, even in the morning," Derek said softly, still laying, letting his fingers wander over her exposed skin of her back.

"I guess that this was a compliment," she replied and turned towards him. He knew for sure that she had noticed his erection. He wasn't sure what she felt. She let him touch her and not just her hand. Would she run if he would just pull her back and kiss her? He told himself that Addison was not the 'other' woman.

"You should get rid of that," Addison said boldly and pointed at Derek's erection, "you mother shouldn't see you like that. She would …"

"…she would blame you and you are to blame for it." Addison laughed.

"However …."

He could also be bold, he told himself. "I would know a way to get rid of it. It would involve …"

"Don't try to go this way with me Derek." She stopped him. "You should not try to imply things you can't finish in the end."

Not finish? He wasn't sure what she meant. He would be able to press her against the tiles of the shower, kiss her body, and feel her … In this very moment of his fantasy his cell rang, which he had put on the nightstand.

Grabbing it without looking for the ID, he said harshly "Shepherd."

"Derek, what's up over there? You haven't called me in two days." Exactly now Meredith had to call him. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Addison got out of the bed, went to the balcony door to open it for some fresh air and slowly made her way to the bathroom.

"I am sorry." He couldn't really hear what she was saying because he had to watch Addison standing in front of the balcony door, the wind softly let the silk play around her body. "What do you want?" "I wanted to hear your voice." He heard the shower and had to imagine her nude body under the hot water spray. "Well, you hear it now. You know that my family is around, so …" "So you play happy couple," the tone of her voice had changed to slightly aggressive. Was he really playing? "You know …" "I know, the happily ever after. Derek, can we meet tonight?" "No. Today is Thanksgiving." "Family, does that mean something to you?" "Derek …." "Meredith, you don't get that. Don't you?" He took another deep breath. His erection was gone since her voice rang into his ear. "This is important for me and for Addison and for the kids." "It's always Addison this and Addison that …" "She is my wife." "Yeah, your wife… but you said that you two got married again because you needed to do this to get the kids. It shouldn't involve you fucking her." "Meredith, this isn't you who is speaking there. You don't use words like this." "Maybe I don't. Maybe it makes me angry that you spend so much time with her. Maybe I can't stand the thought that you are sharing a …" In this very moment Addison escaped from the bathroom only a towel around her wet body. "I have to stop this now. Talk to you later." He didn't wait for a reply and just shut the phone down. The next thing was that he turned it off.

He got out of bed and walked towards Addison who just had walked into the walk in closet. "You cannot run around like this Addie and think that this doesn't affect me." And the horrible thing was that he already felt it again, his excitement. She didn't answer. He had the feeling that she didn't know what to say or do next. He didn't know if she wanted him to step forward and kiss her.

"Derek please, give me some room here. Remember that there is still Meredith…"

"I know Addie, I know," he said, turned around and went off the room, his head lowered.

He went into the bathroom and turned the shower on, water as cold as he could bear it pooled down his body. He had to decide what he wanted; he had to make a decision.  
Things with Meredith were easy, no arguments, no discussions – usually. She wanted somebody to look up to; somebody who holds her at night and who wanted to spend the holidays with her friends because she didn't really care about that, entire she would work at Christmas or Thanksgiving if Richard would ask. And the sex was okay, nothing special he told himself. Meredith was inexperienced and not very adventurous. To the very moment he had told himself that he liked their way of having sex – three to four positions, rarely she on top.  
Addison was the very contrary. Things were never easy with her because she liked the argumentations, as far as he could remember. To be hold at night was one point she liked but also going out together – gala nights, dinners, theatre, opera, parties. She liked to dress to tease, to flirt. She loved family celebrations with his family. And the Addison he had been married to knew what she wanted in bed. Sometimes it had been slow and long, sometimes hot, quick and hard. Sometimes, sometimes toys were involved, role play and pornography. There had been nothing they hadn't tried. But he also knew that things had changed. That she wasn't the young innocent girl he once had met at med school. She had grown up since she left. She had changed and not in a negative way. Addison was always full of surprises.

By a knock on the door he realized that he already had goose bumps all over his body and turned on the hot water to warm up again. "If you don't look …" He heard the door open and the hair dryer. "Could you hand me a towel?" And in this moment a towel was handed towards him, all in pink. He had to giggle. Walking out of the shower gave him an unexpected show, Addison in front of the mirror in baggy blue jeans and a violet lace balconette bra.

He had to put the underwear point to his previous considerations. Addison had always been the type wearing lace bras or at least has some lace on it, lots of silk satin. She had been, back in New York, the owner of a collection of corsages. She was the one wearing all types of panties, stockings, garters. He couldn't remember a night she undressed wearing a cotton bra, except for a sports bra but those don't count at all in his opinion. Meredith? A girlish cotton bra, the difference between them was only the print – Simpson, Snoopy, Mickey Mouse. In the beginning those had been fun, a challenge for him but she didn't even put the lace lingerie, he had bought for her, on for him.

"You want me to take another cold shower," he pointed out.

"Well if you want to. I always liked hot showers best." She turned around. "Derek, you smell like me."

"That happens if the only shower gel in there is a Vivienne Westwood one."

"You could have used soap…"

"Maybe I just grabbed the first bottle I could reach?"

"Addison, Derek … stop discussing things behind closed doors and come downstairs to have breakfast with us," Carolyn said standing in the living room.

Derek opened the door and headed outside, Addison was coming up behind him, her hair dryer but not yet completely dry. She made a knot and put them up.

Carolyn was still in the bedroom, waiting that the two of them were getting ready. "Like 15 years ago, you never got out of the bedroom on time," she said with a sigh. Both doctors blushed. Derek looked for a pair of boxers and started to walk into the walk in closet towards Addison. Addison was standing in front of all her blouses and Derek, he couldn't resist, grabbed a white one with soft blue stripes, a Ralph Lauren one he once had bought her. "This," he said and tried to get into his boxers without giving a free show. He loved that blouse, which she just started to button up, while he got into his jeans and a polo shirt.

Before she could escape from the bedroom, he longed for her, pressed the two bodies of them against the big mirror wall and kissed her, her arms pinned next to her head. It wasn't like she wouldn't kiss him back. She slowly opened her mouth, after he tried to bite her lower lip, and let his tongue enter. In the beginning the kiss was soft, but it developed into a hard and lustful one. Her hands pinned against the mirror. He wasn't touched her, nothing, only his tongue was battling with hers. It was hot, he felt hot and he wanted to much more but before she would let him do anything, he knew that because he already knew her too well, he had to figure out which of this two woman was the one, he wanted to be with her till the end of life.

His heart told him that this decision already has been made but his head told him to think twice, remembering what had been in New York before he left.

"God, you are like teenagers," Derek's mother said and stared at them. "Go, get out here, now!" She said, a little playful but harsh.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks a lot for waiting. I've been busy with real life ;) And thanks again to Lori for the beta – love you ;)

Breakfast was calm; Nancy joked a little about and with the twins and things was quite smooth till Kathleen and Suzanna arrived again. The tension was thick, to cut it with a knife. While Addison and Carolyn spent a lot of time in the kitchen together, Derek had to deal with his sisters and the twins.

"Do you really think that this works out, this time? That she doesn't invite Mark to her bed again," Kathleen commented rather harshly.

"Yes. We talked a lot about our further marriage, the reason for the ruin. It wasn't all Addison's fault," he tried to finish.

"But it wasn't you jumping into bed with the best friend of hers."

"No but I spent six of seven nights in a hospital bed, not coming home. I forgot about most of the awards she got, I forgot out anniversary …"

"You worked a lot, to buy her stuff like this," Kathleen said and pointed towards the house.

"This isn't my money. This is mostly hers."

"She was born rich; she spends what we make in a month on clothes in one day."

"Jealous?" Nancy asked with a smile.

"You two," she pointed at her sisters, "have always been jealous of her style, body and elegance. So stop being so bitchy and accept that they want to give it another try."

"She dressed like a …."

"Stop it," Derek said angrily, holding Derek to his chest. "Don't you dare to talk like that about my wife… Kathleen I have told you this once before and I won't do it again – if you don't like her, feel welcome to leave our place now. This isn't about me anymore, this is about us!"  
Oliver started to cry softly, he took him up and went towards the kitchen.

"Hey Addie, your baby boy is thirsty." Derek said softly and walked towards Addison... "Do you want some tea?" Oliver just babbled happily and waved his arms towards his mother.

"Come here," she said and took him.

"How are things going mom?"

"Her skills improved like one hundred percent." Carolyn commented with a smile on her lips. "I never dreamt of a meal like that remembering the last disaster."

"And you haven't yet tasted her goulash."

"Yep, Margaret's family was partly Hungarian, so she showed me some of the traditional dishes."

"Sounds interesting to me but first of all we have to finish those salads and give the turkey another look. Thankfully the oven does most of the work on this one."

Addison sat down with Oliver on one of the kitchen chairs and handed him the bottle with tea. He had learned to hold it on his own.

"They are growing up so fast," Derek commented, brushing over Oliver's head.

"You refused to walk or even stand at this age, Derek." Addison laughed.

"Yep, crawling yes but you didn't start to walk before you turned 14 months."

"Really, thanks mother. Facts I really needed to know." He replied and laughed with the two women. But their good mood was soon disturbed by the arguments coming from the living room.

Suzanne came rather aggressive towards the kitchen. "You haven't invited him, have you? I mean how can you?"

"What are you talking about?" Carolyn asked her eldest daughter.

"Nancy just said that Derek invited Mark to join us for dinner." Derek nodded. Addison's look was unreadable.

"He is one of our closest friends."

"And? He slept in your bed, in your house with your wife." Addison was about to leave. "Stay," Derek said towards her.

"That was years ago," Nancy said, coming towards the kitchen from behind with Lillian on her hip.

"How can you forgive him? He had his dick …"

"That's going to far Kathleen Mary Carmen Forster!" Carolyn said harshly. Addison hadn't ever heard her mother in law using that pitch of voice.

"But I am right mother. He worked to get her to have the standard she is used to and she betrayed him with his brother in law."

Addison got up, placed Oliver in a high chair and now stood in the middle of the argument. "Yes, I slept with Mark and yes, after Derek left we had a short relationship and yes – you wanted to know all the truth – I aborted his baby because I couldn't even think of having a baby with him while I wanted to dearly one with Derek for years. Yes, I cheated." She commented and left the room.

"Thank you, Kathleen, thank you. This was meant to be a family Thanksgiving but you are on the best way to disturb it."

Thankfully most of the kids didn't notice the huge argument or Addison storming upstairs. They played together some Wii games in the living room, the doors closed. Nancy just shot him the look, telling him, to go after her. He heard Suzanne arguing with Nancy when he climbed the stairs.

The bedroom door was closed. When he slowly opened it, he didn't see her but noticed that the sliding door to the walk-in-closet was slightly ajar. He gradually slide the door open and saw her sitting in the very corner of it. Derek didn't need to say anything but walked towards her, sat down next to her and pulled her in a hug. Both of them knew that their first marriage had been a catastrophe, not the first but the last years. Both knew about their mistakes too well, they had talked about. He had read her diaries, he had learned a lot about her feelings during the last years of marriage. Derek pulled her tighter towards him, till she was sitting in his lap.

"I do not care what they say," Derek talked softly into her ear. "I do not care."

"You do and they are right."

"I have left that behind me," Derek whispered.

Without thinking again he hauled her face towards his, shoved her body to straddle his and started to place his lips on hers. First of all she seemed to be surprised by his action. With his tongue he licked on her lower lip, from one corner to the other. Sitting in the dark with her made him even want her more, knowing that his family was downstairs.  
His hands slowly brushed up and down the sides of her body, while his lips and teeth were softly tugging on her lower lip asking for entrance. Slowly, really slowly she opened her mouth and Derek had to control himself more not to ravish her right at the very moment. Finally she gave him entrance. Softly his tongue was searching for hers. Slowly the dance started, hot, passionate, sexy.

To get some breath he leaned his nose towards hers and whispered "I don't care about the past; all I care about is the present and the future."

With finishing that sentence he started to kiss her again, let his hands wander under her blouse and touch her bare skin. She moaned into his mouth, when his fingers were brushing over her breasts, letting her nipples pucker. He couldn't resist to it again and again while torturing her with his mouth.  
Bold at he was in the very moment he let his fingers trace over the wires of her bra, knowing how sensitive the underside of her breast was. Derek wanted to touch her in other places, to know, if she was as aroused as he was. But in the very moment he was about to push the bra over her breasts, she broke the kiss and said "Stop" quickly.

"We have to stop this now, Derek. We can't go any further. Thanks for comforting me," she said, pulled her blouse into place and headed out, he heard the bathroom door close.

Did she really think that this was about comfort? That he was kissing her because he wanted her to feel good? Did she truly believe this? He wanted her, he needed her and this wasn't about having sex anymore, this was …. He couldn't describe it.

"We have to get downstairs, Derek." Addison's voice was monotone.

Without words they walked downstairs. Kathleen didn't say sorry but Derek was used to it. Nancy had always been his favorite sister, she was easy on him. They didn't agree on everything but then they argued, discussed.

Nancy told Derek that Carolyn made Suzanne and Kathleen went out with the kids to go to the playground, taking the twins with them. Carol offered to go with them. Now it was only Carolyn, Nancy, Addison and Derek standing in the kitchen.

"Do you want to have some coffee?" Nancy asked and headed towards the kitchen.

The tension wasn't gone completely but nobody dared to say anything anymore. Derek felt like Addison was avoiding his looks, trying to move out of his way whenever he went near her.

Around five the house slowly started to fill again. The table was ready like the meal. They hadn't had lunch, except for the smaller kids, and the last one who arrived was Mark. Derek had opened him the door and wasn't surprised to see Callie behind them.

"I thought …"

"What a great idea to take Callie with you," Derek replied quickly, "Come on in you two."  
He knew that Callie could save the evening by being on Mark's side so his sisters wouldn't think that he was hitting on Addison.

"Mom, sisters," Derek said while walking into the room in front of Mark and Callie to introduce them. But there was no need. Carolyn already headed towards Mark and welcomed him warmly, while hugging him she whispered in is ear "No word about NY, we have had a fight already today." "What you want Mom," was his reply. Derek knew that his mother had always been one to Mark too, they had been like brothers for so many years.

"This is Callie, a very close friend of mine," he introduced the raven haired doctor.

While everybody found a seat around the huge table, Addison brought, proudly, the huge turkey from the kitchen. Wine was opened and Derek started to cut it.

"It is delicious Addison," Callie was the first to say.

"Thank you," she said and blushed slightly. Derek still felt like was trying not to cross his looks. Soon a second and a third bottle was opened. After dinner they parted in groups. Mark and Nancy were in the living room talking about old times, Kathleen and Suzanne tried to talk about something but it seemed to Derek like their ears were somewhere on Mark's shoulder, to listen to their talk.

Callie and Addison put the babies down. He wanted to do so, with Addison, but his wife had excused herself quickly with Callie and left. He wanted to talk to her, he needed to.  
Derek and his mother were cleaning up the dining room and making coffee for the adults.

But as usual things got out of hand. He should have known that his sisters and alcohol weren't a good combination. Mark and alcohol either. So sitting there, Suzanne blurted "So Mark tell us, how is Addison in bed." Carolyn was the only one who wasn't in the room at this very moment.

"Well, maybe you should ask Derek," was Marks reply.

"But what if I do want to know it from you?"

Derek didn't look at them; he only watched Addison's reaction. He felt that she wanted to leave the room. He held her hand in place so she couldn't.

"Actually I think Suzanne that this is not for you to know. Nobody would ask your husband how lousy you are. Don't we? So, I would prefer if you keep your mouth shut if some crap like that comes out." Callie replied and everybody was staring at her. Derek couldn't believe that she would use words like that in front of people she doesn't know.

"You are right Callie. Nobody would ask her husband this question, so like she said, shut up." Derek nearly smiled and knew for now that Callie was a real friend, somebody they could trust.

"But …," Kathleen tried to get back. "No, no buts Kathleen."

There was silence filling the room when Carolyn came back with a tablet of water filled glasses.

"I guess it is time for all of you to sober up a bit," she said, handing everybody a glass. Derek had the feeling that she had heard what was going on in the living room.

"So about Christmas," Derek's mother started, "Mark will you also join us?" Kathleen was shortly before exploding.

"How can you mom?"

"He is part of the family." And the arguing began from the very beginning.

"And Addison slept with him."

"So where is your problem with that Kathleen? Tell me where because I don't see it." Kathleen jumped up, aggression painted on her face.

"Addison fucked him in their marriage bed," she shouted towards her mother.

"Well, I guess we all know that and we cannot turn back time because if we would, things probably would have been differently." She sighed. "But you are not in the position …"

"I am mother, Suzanne and I are because we don't want him over at Christmas. No, we don't and we don't want Addison celebrating with us." Her voice was high and pitchy.

Derek didn't know what to say to Nancy got her points in, "If it is like this I want to wish you a merry Christmas because I am celebration with Derek, I do not care where."

"Me too," Carol pointed out. Derek looked at Mark, waiting for him to say something but he didn't.

"Well, well, well girls, like Nancy already said, I am celebrating with Derek, Addison and my new grandkids. You can join us if you can behave but I don't want things like that on Christmas Day. It isn't for you to judge. If Derek and Addison come along and are happy together it is up to them and not us. It was their marriage and it is their marriage now. Nobody ever judged over yours Kathleen or yours Suzanne – nobody ever asked why your husband are always somewhere else, taking one dangerous assignment after the other." Derek's mother rarely said something bad about their kids or screamed at them, like usually she remained calm. She made her point and that was it.

"How can you?" Kathleen proclaimed.

"I can because I am your mother and I decide who is spending Christmas with me. If Mark wants to come, he is welcomed and if his girlfriend wants to join us too, I would also be happy. It isn't always about you two, girls, it's sometimes also about forgiveness. Their decision wasn't easily made but they decided to try it again, that's the main point."

Kathleen and Suzanne were in rage. How could their mother exclude them from their familiar Christmas celebration?

"Mom," Addison began to say, "if they have such big troubles getting along with me, I would prefer you to keep your family at Christmas and I will send Derek and the kids alone."

Derek stared at her and shook his head, "No, you aren't. You are my family, you are a part of me again and I won't celebrate our first Christmas back together at separated places. No way. We will celebrate with mom and if Kathleen and Suzanne decide to grow up and let things be my problem and not theirs, they are welcomed to join." Derek said and took Addison's hand in his, lifting it against his heart. "It isn't working like that anymore. You two cannot rule the family because you are lonely."

Everybody was looking at Addison to say something but she didn't. She had tried to make her point. Mark was rather silent too, so Callie tried to save the situation "Adds do you want to show me the Jacuzzi?" Maybe it was time that he talks to his sisters in private. Callie and Addison went off and he noticed the relief in his wife's face.

Later that night, after all said goodbye Derek noticed that Addison was far away from being her talkative self. She was overly silent. After cleaning up the kitchen she just went upstairs. When Derek entered the room, she was already in bed, eyes closed. She didn't move towards him, when he helped himself in, no, she stayed at her side.

When he woke up in the morning she had turned and faced him but hadn't snuggled up. He was afraid to hold her, not knowing how she would react.

With his fingers he slowly traced over her nose, her cheek bones and her lips. Slowly she opened her eyes. No word said. Her eyes didn't have this radiant blue this morning but a shade of green he could not remember to have seen before. He wanted to touch her, pull her towards him but those eyes were telling him to stay away, saying that she was the one to make the next step, or not.

"Maybe they were right yesterday?"

"No, Addie, don't even believe that."

"We play charade in this house. Now it's playing house, happy family, happily ever after and as soon as they have left we fall back to the usual behavior, you are going your way and I am with the kids."

It made him think. Playing house was the one thing to pretend for a weekend to be in love and have a happily ever after, but she was right. As soon as his sisters and mother would leave, Meredith would be waiting for him. That was the point Addison just had made and she was right.

"What do you want me to do?" Derek asked, staring directly into those green eyes.

"It isn't about what I want you to do Derek; it is about what you want to give."

But what did he want to invest? What? How much? Addison rolled out of the bed and headed for the shower. Should that have been it? He got out of bed and walked behind her in the bathroom. "Addison,"

"Can I not have privacy in the bathroom," she asked from under the shower.

"You cannot say things like this and leave afterwards. No." Derek sat down on the bathroom floor and buried his head in his hands. "Addison, this is working … what we share … I mean … God, I don't know how I can describe …" He sighed a few times. And the smell wasn't helping at all. The whole room smelled like her already and the steam was fogging the mirror.

"Can you hand me a towel," Addison asked and pushed her hand out of the shower.

"What if I say no?"

"I will probably kick your ass hard, so you cannot sit on a chair for days."

"That's hot," he said joking. Derek knew that this was the wrong statement at the wrong time and he knew that it wouldn't make things easier. He got up and took one of the big fluffy towels. He spread it between his hands, "Get out and I will wrap you." "Derek," she said quite demanding. "Addison," he returned.

With a huge sigh she stepped out of the shower and directly towards the towel.

"Derek," She said, when he didn't loosen the grip on it. And he didn't do it now either. He wrapped his hands around her body, pressed her back against his front, one of his hands grabbed both ends of the towel and the other one sneaked under it, pressed his palm against her nude belly. Her wet back pressed to tightly against his nearly naked body felt fantastic. He couldn't see her face, her expression. He only knew that she wasn't walking away. That she stayed, that her body relaxed a little bit, lost its tension. Slowly she leaned into him.

"You know, as well as I know," he softly whispered into her ear while his hand was still on her naked skin, drawing circles, wandering up leisurely, "that what you said isn't true. I will never leave you alone with the kids." His hand was now on the underside of her breast, slowly stroking from the right to the left and back. Her head fell back to his shoulder, her eyes closed. He saw her biting her lower lip. He knew well what he was doing and what he made her feel from the backside against her. Being easily aroused around her was something he had learned to deal about during the last weeks. Not that she was dressing in a way to tease, not too much but showing enough to make men look, turn their heads. But also the manner of lowering her voice to sound seductive was something she had professionalized.

"We shou…"

"Sh…," he stopped her while his hand slowly cupping her left breast. He waited for a negative response but none came. He couldn't describe what was going on in his head now; he only knew that he wanted to show her how he felt. When his hand let go of the towel and put around her waist. Her skin was so soft, still slightly wet and hot. He wanted to taste her skin, know again what her flavor was. He watched her face, the soft features, relaxed. Her lips were slightly parted; he could see the tip of her tongue in the corner of her beautiful rose lips. Without lipstick they have always been a wonderful light rose shade, like roses in summer. His lips touched her jaw line, softly pressing a kiss against it. Addison didn't pull away, she let him do this; even allow his hand to weight her breasts, letting his thumb brush over her already erected nipple. The very moment he softly tugged at them, she couldn't repress the moan anymore and he could hear it coming from the very back of her throat. In this very moment he pressed the full erection in her back again a little harder.  
Derek had always loved her breasts. They were the perfect size for her elegant, tall and yet not too thin body. She had always been a runner, been swimming during medschool but remaining her curves. He had always loved to watch those curves escaping from the shower, the bed, unclothing.  
Moving her but against his erection she pressed her breast even further into his hand which made him, in return, softly tug and her rosebud again. His former idle hand made its way south, being placed beyond her navel. He knew that he could try to go even further south, trying to touch her most intimate parts but he didn't, yet. Derek wanted to give her space to make the next step, wanted to give her the possibility to back out.  
The skin on her lower belly had always been more than sensitive. Derek remembered that he once moved an ice cube, hold between his teeth, over this area which made her shiver in anticipation and she had begged him to do other things with her as soon as possible. But this had been decades ago.  
His tongue now licked a spot right under her ear, suckling her pulse. His hips circled, trying to release some pressure on his erection. Two people were moaning now in this small room.  
He longed to kiss her; he needed to feel his tongue against his. Quickly he swirled her around, one hand again against her hip, the other fondling her breast. Not a single second passed and his lips were on hers, both mouths already open, dueling tongues. Did the room become hotter in the last minute? There was no way to describe the way she tasted. She tasted like Addison. He felt her hands on the hem of his boxer shorts, slowly tracing it. It made him crazy. It made him wild even knowing that it was unwise to assume that she would want more. He knew that his erection was hot against her body, only the thin cloth of the boxers separating it from the place it longed to be.

Addison broke the kiss, pressing her forehead against his, eyes closed, taking a deep breath. "We have to stop this now. This is neither the right place nor the right time."

"I am not sure if I can stop this now," Derek said in a very low voice.

"I know," she replied, "but we have to. You're …." He knew that his mother was downstairs, eventually climbing the stairs because they were already late for breakfast. "Do you have the slightest idea…"

"I have," was her reply when she pressed her hips quickly against his erection. "I have."

"How do you think that I …"

"You should shower now."

"Want to join me?"

"No Derek," Addison replied softly while he placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

When she turned to grab her robe, he could finally absorb the beauty of her body, the long muscular legs, her perfect hips and waist, the fullness of her high riding breasts with their pink areolas. The elegant curve of her neck which connected flawlessly to her chin, moving up, the perfect lips with the perfect white teeth, a slender nose, two amazing eyes which could change in color with her moods – at this very moment they were as blue as an ocean can be – to the most marvelous red hair he had ever seen. "God what are you doing to me," he asked himself when she closed the bathroom door. He had to take a few deep breaths before unclothing and stepping under the shower. Knowing that the cold water wasn't able to change his state, he started hot. Closing his eyes made things even worse because he remembered the taste of her lips, her tongue against his, her hands on his stomach, his hands on her breasts, the sounds she made. This was torture and he wasn't going to survive it. It only took him a few gentle strokes to relieve himself from the already painful erection.

He couldn't go on like this. Every contact he made, physically, didn't last. They got interrupted or one of them broke it off. Maybe this was part of being a parent? A part he hadn't really discovered yet?

When he joined his mom, sisters, the twins and Addison in the living room where they already had breakfast, his wife as wearing a light blue turtle neck pullover, her hair was pulled together, her lips glistering from the orange juice, she just had been drinking. The way she was looking at him didn't make his pants any wider. Derek sat down opposite Addison, watching her to put honey on her slice of bread. He tried to compose himself and started to feed and play with the kids in the high chair.

"Uncle Derek," Gregory asked, suddenly standing next to him.

"Greg?"

"Will you have another baby when they are two?"

"Why do you ask?"

"My dad said that babies are only cute up to the age of two, then you need a new one to have a cute and … and a big kid at home." Derek smiled, looking towards Addison. He remembered what she had said about motherhood.

"Well Greg, I do not know if your dad is right about it but I already have two. Do I really need more?"

"Two is good." He said and looked at his little sister. "But to have a brother would even be better." Addison and Carolyn laughed softly. His baby sister was a handful. She was easy as long as she was happy and somebody had time to play with her but you couldn't leave her alone for longer than a minute if you didn't want somebody to wake the whole house with screaming for Mommy. Derek was very thankful that his kids were different, at least now.

"Well, you know," Nancy said, "they are not even one year old…Gregory nodded, grabbed another bagel from the table and sat down again. The idea of a baby together, even knowing about the impossibility, made Derek feels incredible high, like being on drugs. He already knew which drug he was addicted to.

Later the same day all family members left except for Nancy who wanted to stay a few days longer. Derek knew that Nancy knew most of the story and hasn't been told about the things that happened lately because she was the perfect observer. She noticed everything around her.

"Can you remember Derek the shop I showed you once when we were outside with the kids," Nancy asked her brother who was sitting over coffee and the newspaper. Addison had been called in, emergency c-section on a mother with twins, being only in her 28th week. Everybody knew the risks and Addison as gone as soon as the call ended.

"Which one do you mean?"

"Oh yeah, sounding Hungarian if I remember it correctly."

"Maybe you want to buy her a nice charm bracelet there soon?"

"I could," was his reply, reading an article on a huge hospital scandal in London.

Since his family was gone Addison had withdrawn herself from intimate situations. Nancy knew that they usually didn't sleep in the same room, so Derek moved back into the guestroom for the nights. He had hoped for an open door, a welcoming invitation to share some intimacy but the door was closed, every single night.


	9. Chapter 9

A few days after everybody had left and it was only them again at home, Derek felt like he would be losing it completely. He had the feeling that she was kind of avoiding him at home, at work too. The evenings were spent at home, one watching a movie, the other one doing some paperwork, housework, whatever. They weren't talking about what happened while his family had visited them.

~*~

_November 1_

_I am torturing myself by keeping him away from me. God know how much I want to feel him, touch him and be with him but it cannot be, not yet. _

_Violet once said that I am prude but I am not. Well, maybe I was. Nowadays I need the ways they introduced to me for self pleasuring to survive the day... How much can a woman take?  
Of course vibrators are something great, you can get them in all colors, shapes and materials but as soon as you have once tasted reality you don't want pleasuring advises anymore._

_I know that he had talked to Meredith on the phone several times, always trying to hide, since the Shepherd Clan had left. At SG they are more or less going two different ways. It had taken her some weeks to realize that officially he is mine and that she has to back off now. But I don't know how they work it out privately. Once I heard him say that he has to take care of the kids because I would be on call for a critical patient, so he had to cancel "a date". The next day she was kind of aggressive at work. Of course she didn't know that I knew.  
Sometimes I think that he wants to have both of us, Meredith for the funny adventures, for staying young …. I don't know for what else, and me for the kids, the stable part of it because he knows that I wouldn't leave the kids. That he wants to have sex with both of us. _

_But I shouldn't even be thinking about sex. About seven years in our marriage the regular love life we had went downhill, quicker than I could imagine. While we were interns we couldn't get our hands off each other but later. Once a week turned into once a month and it went on like this. In the beginning I initiated or tried at least some but the third time I was sitting at home in a negligee was too much.  
In Los Angeles things weren't that perfect either. Kevin, well, Kevin was Kevin. We have had a sexual life, we enjoyed being with each other but if men aren't really gifted they have to be good in technique. It isn't that he was terrible intercourse but it turned boring with the time. The point with him was that I enjoyed his company, the way he was taking care of me and I tried my best to take care of him\ Afterwards love life went downhill there too. But Naomi and Violet talked me into purchasing one of those massaging showerheads. Some ease for the beginning and later on I remembered the toys we had enjoyed in our early years in New York. Like I said I am not prude but I am from Connecticut and maybe I was raised in a different way. Toying with Derek was absolutely different from seeking sexual relieve alone, it had been a challenge.  
So to say, nowadays I have a healthy sexual life but alone. While he is out, doing whatever, I am at home. I never felt frustrated in a sexual way before, not like this. I am married, god damn, and I have two vibrators in a satin bag in my night stand, a waterproofed one in the bathroom! _

~*~

It was around lunch time at Seattle Grace when Derek spotted Addison talking to Callie.

"Sure, I will ask him … ah, talking of the sun," Addison said with a smile.

"What do you want to ask," Derek questioned, putting one hand on her arm.

"I asked Addison if she has time to have some cocktails with me tonight. It's my Birthday, Mark is working and I just wanted to have some fun."

"Sure, you two go out and have fun. I will babysit. I still have some reading on this one article of hers," he pointed at Addison, "to do. I do not understand when she finds the time to write stuff like that with a house full of kids," he finished smiling.

While the three of them were talking about the evening arrangements, Meredith and Cristina had slowly walked passed them.

~*~

He arrived later than he thought because of a brain surgery with complications. The house was rather dark except for the living room. He already could hear Lillian babbling. The first sight was cute; there was no other describing word for it because Addison was laying on her side, asleep, one toy still in hand. Oliver stood behind her, holding himself up on her hip and Lillian was playing with Addie's hair. Before they could see him, he grabbed the digital camera and took one of those irresistible photos. He sat down beside her sleeping form, cuddled Oliver in his arms and placed a soft kiss on Addison's cheek. In the beginning she didn't stir but after a few more, and Lillian helped with her very wet mouth open kisses, Addison was awake and slowly rolling onto her back.

"Hey you sleepyhead," Derek said. "You fell asleep playing with the kids."

"The last night was short, Lillian and I shared a bed in the end and this one will even be shorter." Derek's finger pushed some strains behind her ear.

Their eyes connected. He wanted to tell her right now how much he longed for her, how much he wanted to feel her skin against his. The way her eyes dilated she maybe, if he didn't misinterpret it, wanted the same, maybe.

"Mama," Lillian giggled and threw herself onto Addison. This kid could be a handful. Both smiled. Even hearing those word from one of this lighten up Addison's mood, he realized it. Maybe because she never had thought about becoming a mother since they divorced. He couldn't tell.

"You know that it is nearly seven already," Derek asked.

"Yeah, go, head up and I will give them their bottles and settle them in down."

So he did. It was an easy job this time because both kids seem exhausted. Addison told him that Margaret had spend a large amount of time outside with them today and this always wears babies out, kids and adults too.

Within twenty minutes they were soundly asleep. On the one hand he was hungry but on the other he wanted to talk to his wife a little longer. Battling with himself, he softly knocked on her bathroom door. She let him in. Up to her neck she was clothed in bubbles, eyes closed. He sat down on the floor watching her relax. "Do you want me to wash your back," Derek joked. "I could think of other places …." She threw the innuendo back towards him. He was in a mild shock. He had counted on many replies, splashing water, many things but not exactly this one. Both laughed. "You know I could crawl in behind you." "Not this time." "Was that some kind of invitation?" "I don't know Doctor Shepherd, was it some kind of invitation?" Her voice was low, her eyes still closed. He watched her. God, how much he enjoyed this new found closeness. "You are beautiful," he murmured in a low voice, nearly to overhear it. "You think so," she replied, eyes still closed. "Yes. I always did, always."

Finally when she wanted to towel, she asked him to leave the bathroom. He didn't try to make another step because they boundaries were already very thin and not really lined out anymore.

He stood in her bedroom, eyeing what she had laid out on her bed - a black jersey top, bohemian style with gold beadings and a silver thread-embroidered bib, black stretch denim jeans, simple black high heels, he could read the brand name – Jimmy Choo. He knew that she would get braless under this kind of top which didn't hide much. She wouldn't wear a necklace, maybe some golden earrings.

~*~

Derek was sitting in the study going over some the flight arrangements for Christmas. He heard her coming downstairs. She knocked on the door, only to lean in the door frame. Her hair was open, her eyes smoky and her lips glistering. Her shoes were still in her hand. Derek had to stare at her. "I am about to leave now." "Do you want to find a new boyfriend?" "You like what you see," she played back. "Always Addison," he said with a smile. She smiled back and headed out to leave.

Shortly after 10 Derek got himself a bottle of beer, emailed the flight numbers to his mother and headed upstairs to check on the babies. They were sound asleep. God, how much he adored them. In the very beginning he wasn't sure if they were able to make things work out, if they were able to bond, on days and nights like today things were differently. He knew that this had been the right decision, that this had been more than right.

He sat down in the living room, still secretly reading an Edith Wharton novel he had sneaked from Addison's bookshelf. He couldn't believe that a woman would survive in a society like this and that Lily Bart had been so strong, to resist some of the offers men made her.  
He had read nearly six books from the library Addison had established with bringing most of her books from Los Angeles and some of the favorites from New York. He would lie if he says that he had been into reading a lot, he liked some good crime novels and thrillers – Crichton for example. But lately he wanted to know more about Addison's taste. She had always been into reading, crime, classics, romance and a little bit of horror.

Suddenly the bell at the door rang. Derek nearly jumped. Who could that be? He expected nobody. He went for the door, the hope that the kids wouldn't wake up from the sound of the bell. When Derek opened the door he saw Meredith standing outside in high heels and a trench coat.

"Meredith?"

"Yes Derek, it's me. I wanted to see you."

"You could have called."

"Yeah, I could but I didn't want to. I wanted to see my fiancé which is my right, you know," she replied and tried to be seductive. "Can I come in? I know that she isn't home."

Derek didn't want to make her a scene in front of the house. It was rainy and cold. He let her in, had his hopes that she would say what she wants in the hall and leave but she didn't. She went straight for the living room and sat down on the sofa. "You are reading crap like that? Female classics?" She said and laughed.  
"I am reading books, yes, and at the moment I am reading a classic. So where is the problem? What do you want?"

"You haven't called me in days!"

"There have been reasons."

"You said nothing would change between us, you said that we would stay … Derek we are engaged."

Derek didn't reply but sat down in the chair on the other side of the coffee table. He sat there in silence and watched her.

"Why don't you say anything," she asked Derek.

"Because I don't have anything to say. I want you to leave my house."

"She isn't here and she won't be back in the next hour."

"You know about Addison's private life?"

"I know mostly everything."

"No, you don't."

"I know your secret Derek; remember I know your secret."

"We don't have secrets. Addison knows everything."

"Who cares about her? She probably already slept with half the hospital again. Why should pattern of behavior change?"

"I think Meredith," he stood up, "that this is nothing that should matter you. Please leave now."

"Don't you want me?" She asked and started to unbutton her coat.

"Meredith, leave!"

"I don't want to. I want you Derek, now. I missed you. I missed your calls."

"We have been busy with the kids."

"We? I don't care about Addison, you should finally understand it."

"Meredith, leave please." Now she stood in front of him, only wearing high heels, a black slip and a matching camisole – black cotton.

"What do you want Meredith?"

"You, I want you Derek, nothing more or less, only you."

"I cannot."

"Why? Because you have been fucking her?"

"Meredith, this isn't you speaking here."

"It is. You said nothing would change and everything changed. We do not meet anymore, you don't make love to me anymore."

"What are you talking about Meredith?"

"God, are you that stupid?" She said moving towards him. Seductive she walked around him, touching him with one hand.

"Is she better in bed than I am?" Meredith stood behind him, hands sneaking around him touching his jeans covered penis. He pushed her hands away. "Tell me, is she better than I am? Well, she had much more practice, more sexual partners."

"Stop it Meredith, just stop it."

Somehow he felt guilty for not telling her how things were developing that he wasn't sure anymore that staying engaged with her was the best decision. "We need to talk Meredith, talk!"

"Why talking Derek, you never wanted to do lots of talking." She touched him again. "You only wanted cuddling, touching, fucking."

"You never use words like this Meredith, so don't do it now."

"I do whatever I want." She replied and when she stood in front of him, her bra was gone. Derek didn't want to look at her, he didn't want to notice the youth of her body, the way she wasn't yet able to present it in the perfect way.

"Do you like what you see? Well, looking on your zip it seems like it." She said and brushed over his slowly forming erection.

"Every man reacts like this when a woman is presenting herself in a way like this."

"Believe what you want, I know that you want me."

"Meredith." She said while he was standing there, walked up towards him, slowly opened the belt, unbuttoning the jeans. Letting them fall down to his ankles. Derek didn't say a word. He felt guilty. Guilty, really guilty. He should have told her that he stopped fantasizing about her months ago. That he didn't imagine her when he was masturbating. The moment his boxers joined his jeans his brain went pudding.  
An hour later he could only remember lips on his penis, a hand wrapped around, sucking, building up friction, using menthol bonbons on him. It felt incredible, finally a release of all the tension that had built up over the weeks, months. But it was wrong, he knew it. He didn't stop her.

~*~

He woke up in bed alone. Thankfully alone. He knew in the very moment Derek had opened his eyes that letting Meredith give him a blow job and take her afterwards on the sofa was a big mistake. Also telling her afterwards that this was the last time, telling her all the time that this was the very last time he was touching her at all. He only had one clear moment, the moment he pulled a condom out of a study desk drawer.

Meredith cried a lot afterwards, telling him that he is an asshole, throwing many bad names at him when she closed the door behind herself.

~*~

_**I've known about you  
For a while now  
When he leaves me  
He wears a smile now  
As soon as he's  
Away from me  
In your arms  
Is where he wants to be  
**__  
But you're the one he  
Rushes home to  
You're the one he  
Gave his name to  
I've never seen his face  
In the early morning light  
You have his mornings,  
His daytimes  
And sometimes  
I have his nights_

_**But does he love you?  
**__Does he love you?  
__**Like he loves me?  
**__Like he loves me?  
__**Does he think of you?  
**__Does he think of you?  
__**When he's holding me?  
Does he whisper  
**__Does he whisper  
__**All his fantasies  
Does he love you?  
**__Does he love you?  
__**Like he´s been loving me?  
**__  
But when he´s with me  
He says he needs me  
And that he wants me  
That he believes in me_

_**And when I'm in his arms  
How he swears there's no one else  
Is he deceiving me?  
Or am I deceiving myself?  
Am I deceiving myself?**_

_**Oooh I should not lose my temper  
**__Oooh I should not be ashamed  
__**Cause I have everything to lose  
**__and I  
I have nothing to gain._

_~*~_

Margareta told him, that Addison was already at the hospital. There he paged her about twenty times within the first two hours but she didn't reply.

"Karev, have you seen my wife?"

"Thankfully, no! Satan is in surgery," Alex replied pointing on the board.

"Who is with her?"

"No clue but thankfully I haven't been asked to scrub in. I love my life."

The board said that she should be out of surgery in five minutes, he walked towards the OR but when Derek arrived there, the gallery was locked, no visitors allowed. That usually only happened with prominent people who asked for some privacy and there it wasn't possible all the time, Richard always said that it was a teaching hospital, so students allowed.

A few minutes later Izzie stormed crying out of the surgery room, throwing her cap into one direction the mask into another. Derek only looked after her. What happened? Usually Addison and Izzie came along pretty well, especially since Izzie was back.

"What happened?"

"Don't ask me," she said between sobs, "She isn't herself. She nearly threw a scalpel after me because I asked her something." She headed to the locker room. Derek was waiting for Addison ask but the moment she left the OR she was avoiding him. She headed straight for the locker room, Derek ran after her.

"…you never ever leave like that Ms Stevens. Because the next time will be the last time, "Addison was screaming at her, Izzie standing in the middle of the room.

"Yeah, throwing me out? What the fuck?"

"Watch your mouth!"

"No I will not. The whole day you are screaming at me, you threw Karev out of the OR, locked the gallery and now? Now you scream at me for doing nothing." Stevens screamed back, getting more aggressive and walking towards Addison. "You know what? I don't know what happened and I give a shit about it because you are taking it out on people who have done nothing wrong. I care a fucking shit if you behave like this. Patents are scared; you even nearly fucked a birth up because you told a mother she should fucking breath." Now Stevens was standing face to face with Addison. "If you think that this is the best way to behave, well, then I ask not to scrub in on any of your surgeries ever again because I can't work with people like that. If that means for me to change hospital to stay in gynecology, I will because I think that this is what I want to do. But not like this. I took your shit for quite some time but this is going too far."

Derek wasn't able to say a single word. He just watched the whole situation. Addison stormed out and Dr. Shepherd excused for his wife, while Izzie was gathering herself together.

When he was outside again, Addison wasn't seen. He asked Bailey who only said, "Talk to her, she is unbearable today."

When he walked towards the ER, Mark came along. "God, what have you don't wrong? Look at me." He pointed towards his shirt and trousers which were soaked in coffee. Derek only looked puzzled. "Yes, this was your lovely wife." "What have you done to her?" "Me? Done to her?" "Mark, spill it." "She was bitchy and I only said that she maybe should get laid."

Derek sat down in a lounge chair and tried to put pieces together. Addison was torturing the interns and all coworkers, she spilled coffee over Mark's manhood, and she looked the gallery. It just didn't make any sense.

When he was back at one of his patients, talking to Meredith which tests should be next, Addison walked by or should it be called stormed by and screamed something towards a nurse that she should take care or she would lose her job, the next time she would talk at her like this.

Derek walked out to stop her. "Addison! Stop! Now!" He screamed over the floor but she didn't stop. He ran after her, dragged her on the arm of her scrubs into an on-call-room.

"What do you think you are doing?"She yelled at him and wanted to leave but he pinned her to the wall.

"Tell me what it is, tell me why you are acting like a bitch."

"Fuck off, Derek and leave me alone."

Derek stood there staring at her. This was not the way his wife usually was talking to him. "Two can play this game Addison."

"I am not playing Derek. I am just going on."

"What do you mean?"

"Forget it Derek."

Derek stood there not knowing what was going on. She was furious, her skin was flushed, her eyes in this aggressive shade of blue and her hair were tightly pulled back. He headed towards the door and stopped before it, his back against the door.  
What was going on in her? What makes her aggressive like that?

"No, I won't. You will not get out of this room before you told me what is up."

Addison sat down on the bed, shortly later she put her legs up and laid down. He asked himself if she was really about to fall asleep.

Derek walked up to her, watching her face. There was no relief, he couldn't see any. Derek knelt down next to her. He longed to touch her but he didn't, knowing how she would react, push him away in a situation like this.

"Addison, talk to me."

"I cannot and I do not want to."

He wanted her to talk but he Derek couldn't force her.

~*~

"You are going out again," Derek asked when Addison went upstairs.

"Yes, I am."

"Callie"

"No, I am going out alone."

"Addison," he screamed through the hall, Oliver screaming on his hip.

Later that evening, around ten, she came down in tight black trousers and a corsage that made her breasts nearly spill out, pushed them up very high.

He went up from the sofa and walked towards the hall where she got herself ready to leave. Derek stood there observing her. This was another Addison, not the one he knew, not the one he got married to.

"You are going to wear this?"

"Looks like it," she snapped at him, putting some dark lipstick on.

"You are not going out like this, not with that corsage." Addison paused, lipstick in her hand and stared at him

"Who do you think you are?

"I am your husband."

She laughed, a fully belly laughed.

With that she left.

For an hour he was sitting on the first stair, head in his hand and was thinking about what may have happen, what she may have to behave like this. What happened?

He slowly walked upstairs, thinking about going to bed when he crossed her room. The door was slightly ajar. It was her room, place of her privacy.

Lots of outfits were spilled out on her bed.

He sat down on her bed, a silk scarf in his hand. He smelled her new perfume, something by Versace called "Bright Crystal". It wasn't her typical taste; this would have been "Deep Red" by Hugo Boss or something equal.

The next thing he touched was the red laced bra. His fingers traced the hem of it. It aroused him knowing that she was wearing things like this under her tight blouses, her scrubs and t-shirts. It aroused him to smell her perfume hanging in the room.

But this wasn't about sexual agitation but about finding out what was bugging her to act this way. In the top drawer of her nightstand were only some hand lotion, body lotion and lip balsam.

In the next one was a novel, "Mitsue" by Collette. He hadn't seen it before, maybe it was a new one. Beneath it was a pink satin bag. What was it? Derek took it out of the drawer, holding the bag in his hand it suddenly sprang to life. A red vibrator. It isn't that he was shocked but remembering how long it took him to seduce her to let him use one on her. Like months? She never used it on herself in his presence. She always said that she wouldn't be a prude but a girl from Connecticut and they don't use things like this. Of course they tried more and she had fun but never desired to try it herself, to pleasure herself. Slowly he opened the bag and it wasn't an ordinary penis-like vibrator but a green, it was bright green. This made him smile. The moment he closed his eyes he tried to push the picture which was forming away. Putting both items back he finally noticed the diary. It wasn't very big, small enough to put it into a handbag but not too small. It was leather bound. It was an inner fight, holding it in his hands, to open it. It was about breaking rules, offend sensibilities.

~*~

_(Lyrics from Reba McEntire_)


	10. Chapter 10

The leather bound book in hands Derek was sitting on Addison's bed, staring at it. Should he open it and read what she was thinking or bug her till she is telling him herself.

_November 5_

_A new booklet! _

_Sometimes I am not true how right some lyrics can be. Today in the morning I heard a song on the radio in the car and it was touching me. I do not understand why I had to stop the car but I had to. _

_I asked Callie to go out again but she said she would be busy, so I have to go on my own. I cannot stay at home, watch it. The lyrics were true, so true but I just cannot be the other …._

Derek closed the diary and held it in his hands. What did she mean? Usually she only started a new booklet if she ran out of one or something magnificent happened, a new part of life. But what was the reason this time? Derek thought that he would know her but lately she seem to be another woman.

~*~

Derek woke up, he always did if the twins made some sounds in the morning.

"Hey Lily my darling," he heard a so familiar voice talking to the baby. "How are you this morning? Oh … We have to change you … hungry? … God, how much I love those blue eyes of yours, I can lose myself in them. Shh …. Let's not wake your brother."

An hour later Derek went to the kitchen and saw Addison sitting at the desk, feeding Oliver while Lillian was already waiting in the playpen.

"Dada," Oliver mumbled, raised his hands as soon as he saw Derek.

"Good morning my son," the doctor said and kissed the boy on the forehead. Addison said nothing, didn't look at him.

Derek got himself some coffee and sat down on the table. "Will you shun me forever?"

"I am not avoiding you."

"You stay away from me."

"Derek please, it is still very early."

Derek took a sip from his mug and looked at Addison. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, she hadn't washed her makeup off completely and it was already shortly before heading to work again. He wanted to ask her when she came home... If … But he didn't. He knew that it wouldn't help the actual situation. He told himself, while drinking his coffee, that things will become better, to give her some time.

Suddenly the silence was interrupted by the ringing of Addison's cell. "Who is calling me at this … time," she cursed while heading to the counter to pick it up. "Montgomery," she said harshly not knowing yet who was on the other side. "Bizzy, good morning, I just had my first cup of coffee … Yes, remember the time … yeah, quite some hours." She wasn't friendly talking to her mother, her whole body was tense, and he noticed it. Addison didn't walk around, she stayed like clued to the counter, not looking at Derek. Her robe was wrapped tightly around her body. Slowly it was really getting winter, getting colder and colder. "No, Bizzy … it isn't the right time … Bizzy … mother, no we don't … Bizzy …" The loud sigh was unmistakable. "Okay, I … We will pick you up." She nearly threw the cell over the counter. "Why does that always happen to me," she said to herself. Derek wanted to ask what the matter was but everything about Bizzy was kind of a problem to Addison.

Addison put her elbows on the counter, her face into her palms. He couldn't take it anymore and went towards her, knowing that she would push him away but to his surprise she didn't, when he put his palm on her back, slowly moving up and down.

"Bizzy will come over the weekend. She has some medical stuff to ask me which she didn't want to discuss on the phone. She will probably be here till Tuesday. No Hotel but here. Your mother phoned her and told her about the kids, now she wants to see them."

"It's okay Addie."

"No, it isn't. I don't want to see her."

"It was just a question of time."

"Probably right but today is already Friday and her plan will land Saturday 10am. She could have called earlier."

Derek nodded. This was on short notice. "We have to clean up a little so and do some grocery shopping," he tried to save the situation.

"We both know that it isn't about grocery shopping," she replied, stood up and pushed her hand of this way. Did she want him to reply something? Derek nodded.

"Rules," he asked while walking to get his mug and get some more coffee.

"She will suspect something nevertheless and you know that the fight is already reassigned."

She wants something from you, maybe it is different."

"Derek, remember the times she visited us, we always, and I mean always, ended having a huge argument."

She was right. It had been hard for him in the beginning because her bother rather ignored him, being not from such a rich family like the Forbes and Montgomery's were. It was always like, "oh poor you, your family hasn't had the money to let you study in Europe?" Sooner or later he started to ignore those statements, knowing, that Addison was hurt but never showed it. This was the time he noticed what a perfect actress she can be, if she wants.

"When will Margaret be here today?"

"Around eight I think, like every day," Derek replied.

With this answer Addison left to get ready for work. Half an hour later her hair was perfectly curled, makeup hid the dark circles under her eyes and the eye shadow made her eyes more green this day. She was wearing a emerald dress, high heels and was about to finish packing her bag when Margaret entered the house and Derek carried Lillian and Oliver downstairs, after dressing them.

~*~

There had been no sun within weeks on the Seattle sky and this morning wasn't any better. When Derek rolled out of his bed it was raining again. It seemed like it had been raining the last month. He longed for the New York winter sometimes and its snow.

While having breakfast and the attempt to read the newspaper Addison was cleaning the kitchen, was ready to dust the living room and the study. Lillian was sitting in his lap, jawing on a slice of dark bread. Oliver had started a fever during the night and now he was in his bed, asleep with some medication. Addison was nervous, not only because of the boy's sickness but the point that her mother could say that she wouldn't care enough for her kids.

They hadn't been talking a lot this morning. Gesture and mimic. For it being a Saturday everybody was ready on time to leave for the airport. Derek had decided to wear dark grey suit and a blue shirt, no tie. Addison eyeballed his look twice, not commenting. Herself she was wearing a simple pair of black pants, a tight fitting matching blouse and a blue scarf. Derek studied her and had to tell himself that even in a potato sack she would look amazing. This outfit was elegant but not too much; it was sportive but also making it possible to carry a baby around. And she decided to wear flat shoes. Flats.

The drive to the airport wasn't silent at all. Oliver cried more or less the whole time and Lilian started to join him. Why do babies tend to do so?

Twenty minutes later Bizzy walked towards them. They weren't holding hands, not standing near each other. Addison carried Lillian because Oliver was finally asleep. They greeted but not were coldly as common, Bizzy even hugged Addison, kissed Lillian and was friendly towards Derek. He already started to wonder.

Bizzy asked millions of questions about the kids, she wanted to know everything – at least it seemed like that.

During lunch Bizzy asked Addison out to go shopping and discuss thing, after some arguing Derek's wife agreed to go with her and they took the kids with them. Finally he had some time to order his thoughts. While they were gone, Derek went upstairs and lay down flat on Addison's bed to get a nap. The last days at work had been rough.  
Meredith was insisting that their relationship wasn't over, that this was just a period of thinking over his marriage and feelings for Addison. She didn't stop calling, sending short messages, and emails. Sometimes he felt like packing a bag and moving to another city would solve all his problems but he couldn't run again, not this time, not with the commitment he made. It wasn't just him anymore; it was him and his family.

"Derek, wake up," were the words which were waking him up. But it wasn't Addison as he hoped but Bizzy sitting on the bed next to him, Lillian on the bed next to her, playing with a string of her grandmother's jacket.

"Slept well?"

"Yep, I needed it."

"I think Addie could use some too. She looks like she hasn't slept in days." How true, but he couldn't tell her that.

"Derek, I have the feeling like you two are not doing too well. What is the problem?" Derek only stared at her, trying to look like he wouldn't know what she was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Addison seems imbalanced, a little aggressive … I mean …. Do you have problems there," she said and pointed at the bed. "What the fuck," where the only three words which were shooting into Derek's brain. "No of course not," was his formal reply to his mother in law. "You know, we have had some issues when the kids were small, but there are …"

"Bizzy, please don't get this wrong but we do not need to have this conversation."

Dinner was calm and the Lillian was the joy of the evening. She babbled all the time, made her slow baby steps between Addison and Derek and giggled a lot. The baby girl fell asleep in Addison's lap, snuggling her face into her body.

Bizzy left early for bed. Derek looked after the kids a very last time this night before he went towards the master bedroom. He had put out some pajamas before. When he entered, the room was empty but the light from the bathroom was illumining a small part of the room. Derek changed and knocked on the bathroom door. When he entered he saw Addison sitting on the bathroom floor. He didn't know what to say in the beginning but sat down next to her.

"She already thinks that it's fake."

"Why do you believe so, Addie?"

"She asked some strange questions about our love life."

"I know."

Addison had to laugh, "No, she hadn't asked you something like that."

"Well, she had. You were too aggressive in her opinion and things like that." Derek said with a smile.

Both had to laugh.

"You want to give her a show," he suggested, meaning it as a joke.

"Maybe, maybe we should but I am not sure if I can."

"What is the problem Addison, what is it?"

"It has nothing to do with this," she pointed towards them both sitting on the floor, "here. It is personal."

Derek was sitting next to her, staring at the wall. They weren't talking, just sitting next to each other for a while. Sometime later Addison got up, brushed her teeth and left the bathroom. A few minutes later Derek joined her. She was already in bed, book in hands.

He changed into his pajamas, grabbed the novel and got under the cover next to her. She glanced at him. "What are you reading?" She grabbed his book. "Isn't that one of mine?"

"Derek …."

"Give it back please I want to know of if Countess Olenska stands a chance … "

"You cannot read books like this."

"They are girlish."

"They are world literature."

"But …"

"No buts Addison, I already read most of the others so this is only completing the work of Edith Wharton."

"You read the others?"

"Yes, of course. House of Mirth, Ethan Frome, The Touchstone … They all looked well read to me."

"Of course, I always loved Edith Wharton."

"I didn't know."

"Sometimes I think you do not know a lot of things about me."

"I guess so."

"So, which was your favorite?"

"I am not sure yet. I love 'Age of Innocence" but I am not ready yet, so far it was 'House of Mirth'."

What society did to Lily Bart?" Addison laughed a full belly laugh.

"Good that you didn't really do literature classes but med school."

"I took some literature classes during the first two years. I always loved the classics."

Derek grabbed the book again and moved a little further down. "Shut up Addison, I want to read," he said and both had to laugh, finally together again. Ten minutes later he quickly turned over and ripped Addison's novel out of her hands.

"Anthony let out a long shivering moan; his body twitched once, twice and then, fell limp in Xavier's arms. Xavier continues to feed, draining the body completely. He savored the warm delicious, thick fluid as it filled his mouth and flowed down his throat. He could not, would not give this sensation up for anything in the world. He tilted his head slightly, to widen his mouth and capture more of the blood that warmed him. It excited him; he could feel it spread throughout all of his limbs. His body tingled as though little electric shocks where bursting over his form. He had grown hard during the feeding as all vampires do, and he felt his passions rise to the crest," Derek read out.

She tried to grab the novel from him but he hid it well.

~*~

A screaming filled the room. Derek turned towards the alarm. It was shortly after 6 in the morning. Addison's body was also about to wake up. "Stay in bed, I will go," he said, turned around and in a reflex placed a kiss on her forehead before he grabbed the robe and went to the babies' bedroom.

Oliver's forehead was hot, his small cloths sweaty. He changed him and carried the sick baby with him into their bedroom. "Everything okay with him," she asked sitting up in bed.

"The fever is running high now." Derek sat down, the boy still pressed against his chest, and slowly moved under the covers, to get some more sleep. Addison helped with the covers and let her delicate fingers dance over Oliver's forehead, neck. The baby didn't move and was back to sleep but the fever was higher than the night before.

"I will get him some Ibuprofen." Derek woke Oliver up softly and Addison came back with some Ibuprofen juice. He didn't even protest, like usual, but swallowed the medication. Within seconds he was back to sleep.  
Derek had the hopes up to spend the morning in bed with her alone, cuddle up a little if she would let him, feel her body, smell her unique scent. He hoped that he would wake up slowly, pressed against the perfect form of hers, that his hand would be around her waist. But the moment Oliver screamed he didn't think about looking around, thinking about the position he maybe was in.

Now he was on his back, the baby on his chest, asleep again and Addison on her side, facing him. He wondered what she was thinking. Of course he wanted to ask her but learning from the last days means to let her make the first step, not to push her into something she doesn't want.

"We should let him sleep in his bed," Addison said slowly.

"But he will wake up if we move him now."

"Let me." She replied softly, got up, walked towards Derek's side and slowly moved the sick child into her arms. Five minutes later she was back, the baby phone didn't make any sound. Back to sleep for a few hours?  
Addison slipped between the sheets, didn't turn towards him but not away either.

~*~

_November 7_

_Sometimes he illuminates my dreams, sometimes in my dreams he speaks my name. Do I dream again?  
Looking after Oliver made me move my body away from his, losing the warmth. Moving against his erection which was pressed for over an hour now against my centre and made me turn mad, nearly touching myself because it was unbearable. It had been unbearable for weeks now. And when I loosened the grip of his hand, which embraced my breast, he said my name, eyes still closed, in this low raspy tone of his voice which brought me over the edge a million of times before. _

_Sometimes I really think it would be the best to hide from the daylight, curl up somewhere. Sometimes it would be the best to turn my face away from the garish light of day, hide and hope for the next night to be one of somebody curls around me. _

_He has a power over me, and it grows stronger yet. Even if he turns away, to glance behind, towards the past, I can feel my need to be near him. Sometimes I think, it is the easiest to wear the mask of marriage to blame the lack of private life on it. He is always there; he is like my personal ghost. Even at work, I cannot something; say something with him not knowing. _

_I tried, I tried to release some of the tension going out with Callie, tried my best to get rid of it. But I cannot. I would lie if I say there were no men interested, there were quite a few, but even dancing too close to them made me feel guilty.. I do not know why but I cannot do it again, not cheat again. I have it done too often, betrayed friends. _

_There is this need deep inside me not to give in knowing that there is still another woman in his life. I cannot be the second one to love. He moves towards me and on the other side he fucks this bitch on our sofa, in our house, near our kids. It is unbelievable. Maybe I should have closed the door louder; maybe I should not have been standing in the hall for five minutes hearing him moan and her saying his name in between. Maybe I should just have left for the bedroom or turn and head out again but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was glued to the floor. It was torture. I have never been tortured like this in my life. Now I know how Derek must have felt when he walked in on Mark and me.  
I know that I was a bitch at work, I just couldn't concentrate. I still cannot. Knowing that she is around him all day … He just crossed the invisible line. Being with her in his trailer was not feeling good either but I didn't have to see them, hear them. But can I blame him _

_I am just a woman with needs too and toys have been my friends for a year now and before I didn't feel lost like now because nobody was trying to kiss me, touch me, play games with me. Before it was all about frustration, make me forget a case, a fight or argument – it worked wonderfully but now? Now I reached the point of sexual frustrations, especially those five days before the menstrual circle. I turn into a vulnerable pudding. The interns are not able to make something correct during those and lately it had been really bad. _

_I tried to have sex, sex only. I don't need feelings involved. I thought about somebody pressing me against the wall of a club, rough and hot sex. I didn't need more. But I couldn't. Every guy I danced with was compared to Derek in my head. Wearing the black corsage in the club had been a mistake.. This night I went out alone. Callie was busy and I tried to make Derek think that there were more friends than just Callie, but he knew that there weren't any I'd go out with. Things have been differently in New York and Los Angeles but Seattle never brought the connection to society. It was always only the hospital. Everything was about Seattle Grace over here. But I learned in Los Angeles that there was more than work.  
Los Angeles also taught me that pleasure has not always involve a man and a woman that there are other ways. It is not like I didn't know that before but usually using toys involved Derek and me together. Nowadays I let my fantasies play along. The bad thing is who is in my fantasies … _

_~*~_

Derek woke up alone, Oliver gone three hours later. She let him sleep in. He woke up nestling Addison's pillow. He could get used to sleep in his bed. Her mattress was hard and soft the same time, her sheets weren't the common ones. In summer she loved silk, in winter she went with flannel ones but those were different. They were white with white stitching, white damask. He hadn't seen those before, they had to be new. Slowly he sat up, his back against the headboard, the pillow pressed against his chest. He looked over the room, the violet tulips on the sideboard and the white lilacs on the table next to the balcony door. There were baby pictured of the twins next to the lilacs and on the shelf on the opposite side was the picture which was taken in New York at their wedding. He didn't remember that there had been a picture taken but it was there. He walked towards it and looked at them. Each of them had a kid on the hip and they were holding hands, looking in each other's eyes.

Things have to change and soon.

He had to get her back; he had to get her back into his arms, willing to be hold, to be hugged, to be loved. Loved? Was it about being loved?

~*~

"No Bizzy, we already agreed to spend the holidays with Derek's family."

"It is always his family."

"Ever thought that this is maybe your fault too?" He heard Addison in the kitchen. He stopped in the living room his back against a bookshelf. It was her mother and he didn't want to interrupt an argument like this. "You always sent us away. We never spent Christmas with you. We have always been at grandma. You sent your presents via mail." He noticed that Addison's voice raced. "So do not even think about getting this argument with Derek. We decided to spend the holidays with his mother, we already booked flights."

"You could come over for a few days, it isn't that far."

Presenting the kids to your friends?"

"Addison."

"Mom, I know that you have a medical issue and I am sure that things will turn out perfectly well. It isn't as bad as you thought. It is just a uterus myoma. It is a rather easy operation; we will go through the details tomorrow. But don't push me into a weekend with you."

"Maybe it is my last Christmas it is not that simple but cancer."

"It isn't cancer Bizzy, it isn't. I went through all the ultra sound pictures, your blood works. Your iron is very low that's why you are tired and dizzy but this will change immediately after the surgery."

"Do not …."

"This is my last word Bizzy. I will not talk Derek into changing plans because I do not want to. You can come to visit us after New Year, we will be in Seattle than but we are spending the holidays with Derek's family."

"You cannot blame …"

He felt unwell hearing this argument knowing that it was all about his family. Derek was sure that Addison wasn't thrilled about the idea of spending time with his family, especially with his mother. Things with his father have always been very different, she knew that he had been cheating but he was a man, Connecticut forbear man of society doing things like this.

Derek closed the living room door harsh, so he would be heard in the kitchen. When he entered, he noticed that Addison was still in her robe, fluffy slippers on her feed, coffee in hand.

"Good morning honey," Addison said, came towards him and placed a kiss on his lips. He was surprised by her actions. They hadn't talked about it. They didn't agree on anything. Drinking the coffee in rather silence made the tension slowly smooth away.

"I am going to get dressed," Bizzy said and excused herself.

"What's going on," he nearly whispered into Addison's ear when her mother had left the room.

Addison leaned against the counter; Derek was in front of her. "Honestly I have no clue. Suddenly she wants to play family because she is afraid of a common surgery. I know mom never liked hospital a lot but this is just a myoma, they go in the family. It is nothing dangerous if she goes into surgery in time and she should do it within the next few weeks. She tells herself that it could also be cancer."

"Are you sure that it isn't cancer." Derek asked her, standing near her. He could feel her breath against his.

"No." Addison and her mother have never been very near, to make it a real point, mothers and daughters cannot be farther apart. But this was getting near her, somehow. Derek moved towards her, when he noticed her eyes going glassy. Addison didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms. After everything that happened with Archer. She wasn't sobbing but he felt some tears against the skin of her neck.  
Even being in this situation it felt right to hold her. She let it happen. Slowly she moved her hands around his waist, her head against his shoulder. "I am sure that everything will turn out right."

"I hope so."

He held her, nothing more, just held her. No more. No feelings involved. "Can you hold me a little longer?" And so he did. They leaned against the counter, her chin on his shoulder, her nose brushing against his neck and he felt her warm breathing against his skin.

Suddenly a ringing cell was interrupting this situation of comfort. "I think it is yours," Addison said softly. "Ignore it." "Maybe it is the hospital." Slowly he unwrapped himself and headed for the phone. Of course it was the hospital, as always. "Are you sure Addie that you can this alone today?" "I have to. So now leave my dear husband."

~*~

Mr. Lopez got worse."

"Thanks for calling. Somebody booked an OR?"

"Yes, Dr. Grey already took care of it." Please not, was the only think that went through his mind. "Derek," she already said coming from behind.

"Yes," he said and already sounded nerved. She handed him the charts. "I already booked the OR and we have an hour left. I already started preparations."

She didn't leave him for the next hour, involved him into hospital talk, topics everybody could listen up to the very moment they started to get cleaned for the surgery.

"Derek, you cannot do this to me. We are still engaged."

"I am married Meredith you finally have to understand this."

"You said that we could stay engaged."

She tried to get near him but he dodged away. "I am married to Addison Meredith. I know what I said but this doesn't make my marriage undone. I am married Meredith." Her face got red, he noticed that.

"So it is all about freaking sex. She gives you all the kinky stuff I do not do. Doesn't she? I mean she has some training from all the guys she ripped the pants off."

"Shut up, Meredith."

"I know I was right. It is all about fucking." She threw a piece of soap through the room. "Addison does all the kinky stuff. She does the anal? Does she lesbian?"

"Meredith, stop it. You do not know what you are talking about."

"I know what I talk about. I love you. I gave you everything, everything I had and you asked for."

"I never asked for anything."

"You asked me to stay silent towards DCF."

"This was the first and only thing I ever asked you." He took a deep breath. "I am married now Meredith and you finally have to understand that we are over."

"You fucked me."

"You seduced me but I know that this is no excuse. It was a mistake that never will happen again."

"How does this not sound new to me?"

"It is. I am with Addison, Meredith."

"So she is that great in bed, she ..."

"It isn't about sleeping with somebody Meredith; it is far more than that."

"So our relationship was all about sex?"

"It was more in the beginning but I made a commitment, I decided to raise kids with Addison. I swore to be there in good and in bad times."

"That happened once before and this doesn't make you stop cheating on your wife. You cheated on her even when you came back to Seattle after your wedding day. We slept together afterwards."

"And I know that this was wrong too Meredith. It was wrong to make you believe that we have a chance. We do not. I am married. I have a wife."

Meredith laughed. "She doesn't let you touch her, that's the point. She doesn't let you touch her."

"Why do you think so?" Derek asked seriously.

"God, I am right. I have never thought she would do so."

"She doesn't. But this is none of you to know about my private life. I do not want you in this OR. Get out of here and I will do it without assistance."


	11. Chapter 11

Within the days after this emergency surgery from which Meredith had been banned there had been rumors going on.

Derek and Addison were not back to their familiar post-Meredith business but at least they were talking again and he had his hopes up that this status quo would last.

He watched from the gallery his wife doing a complicated neonatal surgery on a woman pregnant with quintuplets. Addison was already four hours in surgery and he could watch her get tired slowly. It was already after five in the afternoon and the surgery would probably take an hour more, at least. Alex had scrubbed in. This surgery was complicated. A heart failure on baby A, a intestine problem on baby C.

It had been one of her first surgeries in New York to scrub in, when she showed her talent for neonatal surgical procedures. She had been young, in her mid twenties. He had studied with her two days for surgery; he would have been able to do it himself.  
Now sitting here, watching Addison do this surgery like she would do it day by day, more than fifteen years later had something touching to him.

~*~

Derek got a text message " trailer at 9 or I will call DCF". Surprised Derek reread it a few times. What does Meredith want now? He thought that he had been clear, that he had told her what it is, and that this wasn't real anymore.

It was already late and he had been waiting for Addison to finish surgery and he just watched her leave the locker room, dressed in black jeans and an expensive bloody red silk blouse. She looked tired.

"Ready?" Derek asked, zipping her handbag.

"I was waiting for you. I will bring you home," Derek replied.

"Not staying home," she asked tired, brushing a strand behind her ear, not looking at him. She nearly had lost one baby during the surgery.

"I have to take care of something but I will be home later." Home, he was going home. Over the last couple of years he had never titled something home, it had been the trailer or Meredith's house but not 'home'.

"Sure," she replied but he could hear her disappointment.

"Addie," he said and put his arm around her shoulders. "I will be back soon."

"Sure … whatever." Derek felt that she knew what was going on. The rumors had made their rounds; there was nobody who hadn't heard that there was a married sexless couple. That Addison didn't let Derek scratch her itch. That she refuses to share a bed with him. But that she goes out and sleeps around with other guys while he had his affair with Meredith to get his fare share of private life.

"It isn't like this."

"I do not want to talk about it," she replied softly, her head sank down a little, staring at the floor while walking towards the exit.

"Addison I really meant what I say. It isn't like that."

"I haven't asked what you are doing. I said it is okay. I will probably go to bed soon anyway."

"You never ask anything."

"That happens if you do not want to deal with the answer; it is easier not to ask any questions."

~*~

_December 10_

_Sometimes I hear the ticking of my internal clock. Sometimes I wonder where he is, when he is not at home at night. I cannot call; I don't want to control him. I hope this will end though. My cell is in my hand, maybe he will call soon? I can survive on my own. I can work things out with the kids but sometimes it is hard to fall asleep alone, even after all this years.  
Sometimes I only long to be hold tight, I have waited and I want to tell him but this secret is still my own. I cannot tell him. My love for him is still unknown. I cannot get hurt again. We are friends no, no benefits.  
I thought that things changed but they didn't. He is back with her. He is back doing whatever he does.  
I can wait, he will, one day, come back to me.  
I am a strong woman and my focus is work and Oliver and Lillian, nothing more. I do not need a happy relationship. I gave my soul to raise them. I know that if it is dark outside, somewhere will be light. Some nights I just have to find my strength to go on. Sometimes I feel like the best would be to pack the kids up and fly out with the next flight, somewhere warm and cozy. To run into somebody who wraps his arms around me at night, hold me tight. Somebody who listens to me, be home, be with my babies.  
Sometimes I know that I am his lady and that he is my man but I cannot reach for him because he always slips through my fingers and back to her. Lost is how I am feeling, lying here alone in bed. I never thought that it would be so much to take, to be the other woman.  
Sometimes I am far away and I do not wonder where I am because I know that I belong to those two kids.  
It is not like he has to bring me roses, promises me the millions stars in the sky or tell me that he loves it. Diamonds don't impress me anymore. I do not need the fancy things anymore. I need something from the heart that he does not go to her anymore. _

~*~

He drove through the woods and already noticed her car in front of the trailer. She was sitting on the porch, waiting for him.

"You are late."

"Well, I have been working."

"I said nine."

"I don't care. I am here, what do you want?"

"You who I want."

Derek sighed quite loud. "How often do I have to tell you that this isn't a possibility?"

"I have to get what I want or I will call DCF."

"Don't you think you already have done enough?" She just looked at him with a bright smile on her lips. "I am still able to find out who started rumors," he added.

"I maybe have set up a rumor but no lie. I was telling the truth."

"Ok?"

It is the truth. You are married and you do not get any sex."

I do not care anymore. I love Addison and I love her for giving everything up and move back to Seattle. Do you understand Meredith, I love her. I am sorry that I did all this to you. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am really sorry because I didn't mean to do so. I thought that things work out but I fell in love with her again. Maybe I do not get sex, maybe but this isn't important anymore. For me it is important to know that she is home waiting for me that she is there in the morning, playing with the kids, taking care of them. Things may not be perfect but we'll work things out. They will."

With those words he went back to the car and drove towards the ferry. He couldn't believe what he just said to her, he told her that he would love Addison. Love!

It was already shortly before midnight when he parked the car in front of his house, still sitting there. There was some light on at the second floor; he could see it from outside. The longing to talk to Addison tell her whatever, just talk to her, hear her voice, got worse every minute, hour, day and night.

He parked the car in the garage and slowly went inside. The rain pattered down again. The house was completely dark, there was still light in her room, the door was slightly open but it was absolute silence. Maybe she was asleep already or reading. He went to his room, changed into a pair of pajama bottoms and opened the door.

"Addison?" He opened the door a little further and saw her sprawled over the bed, still wearing a robe, face down. No reply. He went towards her. Her eyes were closed. A box of Kleenex was on the night stand, some used on the floor. Even touching her didn't wake her up. When he turned her around the suspected smell hit his nose. She had passed out on her bed. The already widely open and dirty robe was gone within seconds. He moved her under the covers and went downstairs to grab some medication and ice cubes and a bottle of cold water.  
The happenings of the evening could be seen on the coffee table – her cell next to a bottle of vodka, more than half empty. For a moment he stood there watching the forlorn scene. He grabbed the cell and the bottle of vodka. He wanted to drain it but put it away in a kitchen cabinet. Meds in his pants pockets, bottle and glass with ice cubes in one hand and the cell in the other he went back upstairs.

For a few minutes he watched his passed out wife before he pulled the blanket over her naked shoulders. He put all the things on the nightstand prior to walking to the bed bed.

His mind was still focused on the words he told Meredith. Was he really in love with Addison again? Was it love again?

~*~

Beginning of December he was really worried. At work she was back to bitchy, devil wearing Prada and kicking subordinates in Manolo Blahniks stilettos. There were only a few left to scrub in with her – Izzie and Alex, both already used to her changing behavior.

She had lost to mothers with their babies within a week. Things were rough.

"It cannot happen again," Addison said, leaned against her locker. "Not again." Derek was standing next to her.

"Calm down, Addison." Derek tried to calm her somehow.

Izzie came up from the shower wrapped in a towel. Izzie watched the situation. Addison was nearly breaking down and Izzie knew why, Derek guessed. She blond doctor came towards the couple and she gave Derek a sign to move away. She stood in front of Addison now. With her delicate hand moved her chin up.

"We will not lose the Sourwein baby Addison, we won't." She said directly looking into Addison's blue eyes. "We will do everything we can."

"He is getting worse. It would be the third within a week. My job is to save babies not to kill them."

"You do not kill them."

"But I cannot save them either. Where is the difference? I have two healthy kids at home, everybody deserves this."

He noticed that her behavior changed since she spent more time with the kids. The death of babies was harder for her, she was fighting more before giving up, trying every new surgery. But sometimes every help is just too late because there is a higher power who takes those kids.

"Take a long breath, Addison, I will jump into fresh cloths and we will head back to the Sourwein baby." Izzie moved towards her locker and changed.

"I cannot." She slid to the floor, "everybody is dying around me."

Derek looked at Izzie Addison slid to the floor, her face in hands, tears streaming down her face.

"What is it Addison, who is dying?"

"I told her that it is nothing, just myoma and now? Cervix carcinoma stage 3."

Finally Derek realized what she was talking about – Bizzy.

"Since when do you know? Why haven't you told me Addison that your mother is sick?" Izzie backed off, left the room, gave them some privacy.

"Three days? I just couldn't believe how wrong I was. I went through the blood work with her, I looked at the ultra sounds, and it looked like a freaking myoma."

"Why haven't you told me?" ´

"I couldn't. I … What if she dies?"

"She won't, Addison"

"How will you know?"

"I just know it," he replied and hugged her tight to his. Addison had never been good dealing with her feelings if it was about her family. Usually she had tried to hide behind his, spent all the holidays there, making excuses for herself not to see them.

~*~

"You cannot tell a patient that his baby has no chance if there is still one," Addison screamed at Meredith. Derek just came up to pick her up from work and get home together.

"There is no chance for him."

"There is, he will go into surgery tomorrow morning."

"He will not survive this night."

"How do you know? Have you any experience? No, so get the fuck away from my patients."

"You cannot …"

"I can. You will not work on gyn and neonatal again."

"This is a teaching hospital."

"It may be but you will not destroy any more lives of people who still have their hopes up that their family will be happily ever after, families who already figured out that their future won't be like they planned, that it will be troubled." She took a sigh. "So get away."

Meredith turned around and walked away.

"I don't think that she deserved that," Derek said softly standing next to Addison.

"How will you know?"

"You were too harsh. She is still learning, she make mistakes like they all do."

"Derek please, let me alone."

"No way, we are heading home, ordering some food and watch a movie."

"I do not think that I am up to it."

"Let's try it. So, grab your stuff and we are heading out."

On the way home she calmed down a little bit. Small patients have always been her life. She did mostly everything to save babies life, if there was enough hope to get through all the procedures. She rarely gave up. She never gave up before she didn't try everything she could think of.

In front of the house he stopped the car shortly before driving up to the garage. "I want you to relax tonight. I have seen your schedule for tomorrow."

"Thanks but a long bath would have been enough."

"Maybe we could try the Jacuzzi."

When they got out of the car, she just shot towards him "You only want to see me naked in a bubble bath," before she left the garage and headed towards the kids who were already screaming "mama" as soon as they noticed her.

God, she just doesn't know how much he wanted to see her naked in a hot bubble bath. How often he had pictured her surrounded by bubbles, her hair pulled up, her eyes closed, a glass of red wine waiting on the edge. He would come up from behind, stand above her and watch the bubbles play over her delicate skin. He would see the tips of her breasts, he would get rid of his shirt and let his hands glide over her shoulders, would shove her a little forward to climb in behind her. He would turn her around, so she would straddle him …  
He should not have those thoughts. Not sitting in the car being supposed to face her in the living room. Ideas like that brought his manhood to live, made him uncomfortable in his pants.

"It took you long." She commented, playing with a tiny softball with the kids, sitting on the floor.

"Go, get changed."

"I am comfortable," she said with a smile. Her face showed him that she knew that he was right. He kissed Oliver on the head and told him that she would be back in a second and not more than five minutes later she was back wearing black leggings and an oversized black pullover.

"Back wearing leggings?"

"Always loved them."

"God, I remember the leopard printed ones …." Both laughed. They had looked funny on her because her legs even seemed to be longer. "So, would you like Chinese, Thai, Indian or Italian?"

She studied him and smiled, "I think that I would like some Italian food, some pasta or lasagna."

"Red wine?"

"Red wine." She agreed and sat down to roll the ball with Oliver. He was their problem child, getting sick easily.

Derek wanted to ask about Bizzy, wanted to tell her that he was sorry but this was not the best moment for it. This was their time and he didn't want to destroy something that was slowly developing.

He went to the kitchen and ordered two kinds of pasta, some Carpaccio and ice cream for dessert. Oliver was giggling with his wife. Lilian was able to run on her own, Oliver only to stand up with some help to hold him. They were the same flesh and blood and so different, it was amazing. He always wondered if their kids would have been like this too. If they would have given most of their jobs up to take care of them. Sometimes he thinks that things would have been very different if she would have gotten pregnant in New York and not in a good way. He would have stayed working huge loads eventually and she would have been alone with their child. Probably things would have developed the same but he wouldn't have left that easily, maybe he would have.

When he came back into the living room Addison was on the floor, eyes closed, Oliver standing on her front side, holding him up and Lillian slowly baby walking with the ball in hands towards Derek. "Dada," she said and showed him the ball. He smiled. He sat down next to Addison, traced her face with his fingers, slowly putting a hand on her hip the moment he laid down behind her, his body pressed against hers. That she had lost a little wait had been noticed. Also a reason why he wanted to feed her this night. His right hand wandered from her hip towards her belly and while he did so, he was studying her face. No sign of discomfort. But of course this intimate situation was destroyed when Lillian ran into Oliver and both tumbled over their parents. The kids giggled, Addison woke up very suddenly and Derek smiled, knowing where his hand was. Addison didn't force his hand of her naked belly. She didn't say a word about it but pulled the kids into a tight hug.

"I dozed off?"

"Yes, you were gone."

"Why haven't you waked me up?"

"You looked so cute asleep with Oliver hovering you. I should have taken a photo."

No reply from her side. Had "cute" been too much? Had he passed a line with it she didn't want to be passed?

"So, you think that I am cute?" Wow, he thought, that was a step forward from her side.

"Yep, always have."

"You know Derek, cute if for kids, teenagers but not grown woman."

"So tell me, what is for grown woman like you then?"

"I guess, you have to figure that out on your own." The door bell rang, the delivery was there. Derek got up and headed towards the door. "Maybe I would like to see you surrounded by bubbles." He said walking to the door, not looking back, not knowing how she reacted. He would have given millions and some patients' souls to see it. But he hadn't been brave enough to tell her so.

While sharing a fantastic tasty meal with the kids and some glasses of red wine together she didn't say a word about the Jacuzzi. Addison had always been a person who knows what to say to get what she wants but this had changed, somehow. He had been the one throwing innuendos at her the last couple of months and she played along or not. But what had started the Jacuzzi thing? It made him nervous.

She went upstairs first with Oliver to get him ready for bed, he was shortly behind her. They changed the twins in their navy blue pajamas and put them into their cribs. In the beginning it had been a CD player which lulled the babies to bed but for a week or two Addison had been singing them lullabies. He hadn't known that she could sing this well. She always said that those songs were sang by Margaret all the time but he knew that this wasn't true. It was all Addison.  
If it too an hour to make them sleep, she was sitting an hour with them. If one woke up at night, she took the baby to her bed and made it sleep again. Everything he had always dreamed of but sometimes he felt like he wouldn't fit into the picture.

"I started the water on your Jacuzzi," Derek said when she came downstairs.

"No you don't."

"I did.. It still needs some time but well."

"Thank you." She said shyly. There were moments and times.

A good hour later the water was ready. They had been watching some old movie they already had seen a million times. She came downstairs in a dark blue silk robe which ended mid thigh. She took a glass of wine in the one, a fresh bottle in the other hand and walked outside to jump into hot bubbling water. Before closing the balcony door she turned around quickly. "So, are you going to join me or are you going to let a woman get drunk alone in hot water?"

What to do now? He had brought himself into this situation and now he couldn't resist joining her, to talk to her, to enjoy some moments alone and this would be really alone.

Ten minutes later he was downstairs again in his robe. He asked himself two million times if she was wearing something in this hot water or if her glory nudeness was surrounded by bubbles.

When he opened the balcony door, a wine glass in hand, her eyes were closed, her eyes loosely up. Without talking to her he glided into the water. "I knew you'd join me," she said softly, her eyes still closed. Even noticing this made his penis jump happily. In the very beginning he was sitting opposite her. Slowly he inched toward her. She didn't say anything, eyes still closed. He watched her relaxed features, her slowly opening her mouth, liking her upper lip. This slow sexy tongue which was able to do amazing things, he should not think about her this way.

A few seconds later, Derek couldn't remember when it happened, he was kissing her, his hands left and right from her body. Her mouth had opened within milliseconds, her tongue had started to dance with his, and her hands had found his neck, to get him nearer. He could taste her finally again. They had kissed before within the last months but never like this. He kisses let him know that she was hungry, she didn't breath, and she didn't break it. Addison's rather big hands moved from his neck slowly towards his chest. He wasn't sure how long he would stand this torture, how long it would take till me would make the move he might regret because she maybe wasn't ready for it yet. She touched one of his hands and slowly moved it towards her chest, just a little under her collarbone. No words were needed. His lips left her mouth, even her protesting moan didn't stop him, but he started to kiss the way from her lips towards he chin, slowly tracing her neck with his lips. She tasted like strawberries and Addison, the way he remembered that she was tasting, sensual, aroused – like a drug, once tastes you were addicted immediately.  
He put small kisses on her cleavage, pushing her against the back of the Jacuzzi, she moved out of the water a little more. Her body hadn't changed in all those years. Her breasts were high on her chest, her nipples still like rosebuds. And they still tasted like this. When his lips started to suck softly on them, he heard her moan, those low hoarsely moans which always made him come if he didn't concentrate on his performance. His hands had been on her hips too long, they longed to touch her in more private areas.  
His erection was painful at this point. More painful than it had ever been with any woman he had been with and that hadn't been too many. He thought about comparing her taste, the way her skin felt under his lips, the way she moaned but there was nobody he could compare it to. Nobody ever made him feel this way, only Addison. Nobody had ever been able to arouse him so badly that he thought he would implode every second, only Addison had. Nobody ever had been able to make him feel the perfect fit because of his size, but Addison.  
"Does she know what she is doing to me," he questioned himself before he pulled her into the water again, straddling him lightly. "Does she know it?" But the moment came her belly and his erection connected. He could feel the harsh intake of her against his skin. He let go of her breast and his lips found hers again, hard, passionate. Her tongue seduced him. Like before. She knew which buttons to push to make him loose everything. But those buttons hadn't been pushed yet. Addison didn't stop his hands the moment they were wandering from her hip, over the part where his penis was pressed against the soft of her belly hard, to between her legs. One of her hands had found its way to one of his nipples. Twisting it softly, getting more furious. He moaned into her mouth when she pinched it harder which also made his erection twitch against her hand, which had moved southward within seconds.  
How far was she going to allow him to go? How many steps was he allowed to take within one? His fingers were moving over her already sensitive clit. She bucked into his hand the first moment he brushed over it. His hand was now around his erection while the other one was around his neck, holding him in place. The kissing never stopped. Slowly he traced his fingers over her labia, finding their way to go inside. He waited for a sign to stop, he waited for a breaking kiss but the moment she gripped his erection harder, he knew that she allowed him in. Her fingers didn't close around his begging member, never had. He could feel where they were situated, where no fingers had been able to reach. Slowly he moved one finger inside. Suddenly the kiss broke. Her forehead was against his, he didn't dare to open his eyes but he felt hers on him. Slowly, very slowly he opened his eyes and noticed the darkish blue of hers, pupils fully dilated. His finger moved in and out, curled and uncurled, made her moan and take in air harshly. Addison had never been very vocal or loud, girls from Connecticut aren't like this, she once said but this time her moans were noisier. "More," she suddenly begged and he let a second finger slip inside. She was hot, hotter than he could remember and tight. She always been tight, tighter than everybody else he had been with, embracing his member in a too tight hug sometimes. Not unbearable but from time to time the result was that he had come the moment they both relaxed into the first trust.  
He felt her tighten around him, his thumb slowly moving against her clitoris while her hands were both around his erection, one moving up and down, the other slowly circling the top, softly brushing against this so sensitive slit.  
And unexpectedly she came hard, she moaned his name, softly screamed it and he rode her through it and before her shuddering stopped, he came, her hands hard moving up and down, her lips sealed to his, moaning into each other's mouth, lack of oxygen.

"God knows how much I want you Addison," he said, his forehead pressed against hers.

There was a pregnant silence before she replied. "Before any of that you have to decide who you want and act like it in front of others.


	12. Chapter 12

He should make a decision? Which decision did she mean? She had gotten out of the Jacuzzi, toweled up and headed upstairs leaving him in the hot water. He wanted to run after her, press her against the wall and take here the very moment but he thought better. He decided to let her go on her own. Opening up this way was untypical for Addison. Even thinking about what they just been doing made him going pudding again.

She couldn't leave him like this, without a real answer, he needed answers.

He stayed in the water for a while. Listening to the angel on the one shoulder and

Slowly he climbed out of the water. Only small sparkles of light from her bedroom could be seen on the floor, after he got upstairs. He heard mumbling, soft moans. What was going on? Derek was in the middle between arousal and slight panic, what if those were moans of pain? Afraid to interrupt a situation he wasn't going to survive.

"What if I interrupt something? What if she pushes me away again," he questioned himself. He was standing there, in front of her door, in just a thin flannel-silk robe she had bought him many Christmas ago. The noises didn't stop. And he couldn't stop himself anymore. With one finger he slightly pushed the door a little open.

The picture which presented him will probably always be burned into his brain. His brain stopped working; thankfully he was still able to breathe. The question was, for how long.

Creamy skin on blue sheets, red hair tangled in dark blue silk.

But this wasn't the problem.

Addison... Creamy legs slightly ajar, a hand between them. "Breathe, breathe," he told himself.

No word said. And she didn't stop.

"Breath," he mumbled.

His wife, in front of him, was pleasuring herself. His wife playing with her breast. His wife using her vibrator, the one he had in his hands some days ago.

He watched her moving the toy in and out of her. He watched her moan and pinching her nipple, She let him watch. She let him watch pleasuring herself. She pleasured herself.  
She let him watch how her skin blushed in bliss of the slowly reaching orgasm.  
She let him watch her come hard, moaning, stilling her screams with the hand that had been playing with her nipple.

He wasn't able to breathe anymore. His brain was out of work. He was dead and still alive. He felt like his eyes were out of his body, watching and he was on the floor, dead.

The next thing he remembered was that she shut off the light on the nightstand. He stood there a few more minutes. He stared at her bed but she was already under the covers.

~*~

He had been awake most of the night thinking about the decision she wanted him to make. And waking up, getting downstairs seeing her in jeans and a white t-shirt not wearing a bra didn't make the thinking any easier. His wife had always been a tease, a horrible tease and she usually knew which buttons to press to get what she wanted or to turn people into crazy jerks.

Derek was unsure how to handle the events of last night and he was distracted by the way he could follow the outline of her breasts. He was shortly before begging her to get changed but two could play this game.

Oliver was happily babbling and chewing a small apple slice. Derek brushed through his short hair and the baby boy smiled at him happily. Lillian in contrary was sitting on the counter and Addison washed the cocoa from her face and her hands.  
Derek wanted to walk towards Addison, press her against the counter and kiss her, kiss the air out of her but with the kids with them. And during breakfast she acted like last night hadn't happened.  
He really hoped that she didn't think that it had been a mistake. Knowing Addison was like knowing the way by the first sight – not possible. She always had known how to play him but the question was now if this was a game or reality. But which decision did she want him to make? He made all he could by being her, living with her and the kids. He gave up everything for it, his engagement, and some parts of his career by not being so much in the OR anymore to have time to spend with those three who were sitting at the kitchen table next to him.

"You are not talking to me." Addison mentioned while getting herself a second cup of coffee.

"What do you want me to say?"

"What is on your mind?"

"You do not want to know it, believe me Addison. But I thought that we need to do some shopping for the kids and since Christmas is coming up … maybe we could head to the mall?"

"Why?"

"We never went to a mall, Derek, never ever."

"Maybe we should give it a try?"

"No. I do not think that we are mall people, we are people who walk along the exclusive shopping streets."

"But we need stuff for the kids."

"Yeah, they also sell baby clothes on those streets, for example I always wanted to go to see this Italian shop with those cute marine baby clothes. What was it called? Ah … Benetton. Remember we once spend quite some time at the Benetton in Firenze at the Via Par Santa Maria after we spend the whole morning and nearly half of the afternoon in the Uffizi?"

Derek nodded.  
He remembered too well. It was the first time they had visited Italy and it had been the time they firstly talked about maybe having kids, about getting pregnant and try to work things out. It was their first or second year in marriage when everything was perfect. But things changed.  
Derek closed his eyes and saw his wife in this shop again, like they would be there in the very moment, and she had this very small light green jumper in her hands, asking him if he would like a boy or a girl. It had been out of the blue.  
Back in New York they had tried it a couple of month but it didn't happen. They both worked heavy schedules and slept very little, they bodies were saying no to the idea of creating a child.  
Maybe they should have tried harder then, maybe.

They got dressed and headed out. Addison hadn't changed a lot, only got a blazer and a woolen jacket with a thick cashmere scarf. On her feet she wore knee-length boots. The kids were wrapped in their thick lambskin foot muffs.

Together they headed out, went to the city. Addison didn't argue with him where to start but they strolled through the streets, getting in one or the other shop, buying cloths for the babies, some good night story books.

They went into a Hugo Boss store and Addison talked him into trying a new suit on, one of those classic ones. "You know, Derek, George Clooney always wears them in those Nescafe commercials."

"I am not George Clooney."

"But I think that he looks hot in them."

"Maybe you could get one too?"

Lillian was wide awake; Oliver asleep and Addison watched him closely when the shop assistant picked one out.

"No, not this one," she told the assistant. She never liked double-breasted suits on him. Jackets yes but no suits.

"One of those low rising pants; those classic jackets and I want him to try a white shirt and a colored one, maybe blue or black? And we need a matching tie."

"Why, Addison? Having plans?"

"Remember we are going west for Christmas, maybe we could go to the theatre or something like this."

He tried on about ten different suits before he bought three, five different dress shirts, some different ties – Addison picked them out and he was about to pay for it when she put her credit card onto the counter.

"Let me, Derek."

He was uncomfortable. He never liked it that she was paying for his things, he never got used to it. They went to a book store and Addison bought some novels for herself, some presents for Nancy and Derek's mother.  
She bought some perfume and cosmetics and suddenly they were standing in front of a Victoria Secret store.

"Want to go inside?"

"I don't know," she replied.

Before she could say something more, he pushed the stroller inside, not waiting for her to be behind him. He knew what he wanted; he knew that he wanted to push some buttons.

One of the shop assistants went straight to him, a man with a double stroller buying expensive underwear, no woman in sight.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yes course. I want …" He was telling the woman that he had in mind. She showed him different types of corsets, bras in different colors and shapes and panties. Derek noticed that Addison was at his side. He knew her size and already got a couple of things stored at the counter.

"Derek, I … I don't know …. Derek."

The assistant stared at Addison. She eyeballed her from head to toe.

"I think I have a great color for you, something brand new, not yet officially arrived." Derek stared at Addison and shrugged with his shoulders.

She came back with a set in a blue silk with lace ornaments; the blue was like the deep of the ocean. Derek had it in hand. It felt silky and thrilling; he was already picturing her wearing it. The cups were light push up effects, the tops were laced, in the middle, between the cups, it was corseted. He asked for laced boyish panties, different other styles too.

Of course he noticed that she was uncomfortable but he didn't understand why. Maybe he didn't want to see it. She was looking after the kids when he grabbed an ouvert tanga. Something for a special occasions. Something you had to be brave to wear in public. Something that already made him hard thinking about her wearing it.

Three boxes and a couple of bags later they headed home after spending nearly five hours doing shopping. Addison was rather silent on the ride, nearly falling asleep – her eyes closed, breathing through her nose.

"What do you want to do in the afternoon?"

She turned her head towards him. "Well, we have to put them down for a nap and I have to do some reading on medical papers."

"Ah…okay."

"Derek?"

"Well, I thought, maybe …?"

"What?"

In this very moment he opened the garage door with the remote control and didn't say a single word anymore. Nor did he say something about this topic when they were carrying the kids inside or the bags.

Later she sat down on the sofa, papers in hand, wearing those leggings again and a white shirt, her reading classes riding low on her nose. He let her alone for an hour.  
Being in the study he couldn't concentrate on the stuff he had planned to do – writing an essay for a medical paper on late brain surgery developments. Every moment he started to read a line again he had to think of her, her not wearing a bra, her so vulnerable on the bed last night pleasuring herself and not making him leave. Her dressed in the underwear he purchased, the way she was uncomfortable. He liked her being uncomfortable in this very unique way.  
She was still reading when he reentered the living room. Addison looked over the edge of the papers. God, wasn't she gorgeous?

What was going on in his head in the very moment was something he didn't dare to say out loud – jump onto her, ravish her.

No, this wasn't right. She wanted decisions.

"What do you want for Christmas," he asked suddenly and sat down on the sofa next to her, her legs over his lap.

Addison let the papers sink onto her chest. "What are you talking about?"

"I asked you, what you want for Christmas."

"Hm … I don't know. Didn't we buy enough stuff today?"

"You know, diamonds are a girl's best friend."

They laughed together.

"So what do you want for Christmas, Derek?" The glasses were still on the tip of her nose.

"Hm … I am not sure. Maybe I want something special?"

"What would that be?"

"I will tell you in time."

The rest of the weekend was spent with the kids, playing games, training their walking skills and falling into bed at night completely exhausted. Derek hadn't pushed any more buttons, given her time to adjust to the new set boundaries.

When he got out of bed Monday morning Oliver was asleep next to him, on the nightstand a note. He had been sleeping with her and she had been called in early for a c-section on a Seattle VIP.

Derek was late. Oliver had been vomiting in the morning and he already had to dress his shirt twice before leaving the house and been just told by one of the nurses that he would smell like rotten milk and that there would be spit on his shoulder. Apparently Oliver had a lactose problem; he only had problems after drinking cocoa Derek established.

He didn't see Addison till around lunch time. He sent her a mail asking if she would like to grab a bite with him. Another birth made him wait twenty minutes for her, when she came out of the OR not wearing scrubs anymore but tight dark blue jeans and a white fitting blouse. And she knew how to torture him. Same like the days before. His wife wasn't wearing a bra.  
He walked next to her and she told him about the complications which had kept her from being on time. Before she could finish her last sentence he pushed her into an empty patient's room.

"What the fuck?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what Derek. What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Teasing me."

"Teasing you?"

"You aren't wearing a fucking bra."

"And?"

"Addison, don't give me this shit. You know too well that …"

"Okay," she said, wanted to turn around and leave.

"Nothing is okay."

"Well, I will go to the locker room and get a bra so you can be happy." She had been playfully before but changed one hundred percent now.

"It isn't like that."

"But what is this about then? You don't like what I am wearing and I am about to change that – what can a man ask more for?"

"I like what you wear," he said softly.

"You do?"

"Sure but it keeps me from working."

"It does?"

"And I don't want to see every male staring at your chest."

"They don't, Derek."

"God, you do not even notice it."

"I do."

"And?"

"Sometimes it is about getting some attention."

"You have my full attention."

"But maybe I like it."

"You never go without a bra."

"I actually do."

"You never did it."

"I did it before too, also in New York."

"No."

"Well I did Derek; eventually you just have been too busy to look at me."

Point for Addison, he had probably been too busy to notice her trying to get noticed again.

"Please Addison; don't do this to me tomorrow again."

"You are such a baby," she said and left the room.

Twenty minutes later, when he saw her at the nurses' station, she was wearing a bra under the blouse – light pink. This wasn't much better. He could see her bra through her blouse which made him think again what all the others would think of her. Maybe he should ask her again to get rid of it but this would be too … pathetic.

She went home early because she had a dentist appointment and left him without a car. Meredith asked to give him a ride but he asked for a rain check. After chatting with Callie for a while Mark offered to drive him home and he welcomed it.

"Do you want to come in? A patient just got me some Scottish Whiskey."

It was after ten when Addison arrived home and Derek and Mark had already had more than just a single glass of Whiskey. He had been thankfully that Margaret stayed to put the kids to sleep; she probably had noticed that he already had too much.

"Darling, you are home." Derek said and walked towards Addison who stared at him in astonishment.

"Addison," Mark also said and moved from the corner of the room towards her.

Derek tried to give her a kiss on her lips but she moved her head slightly so he placed his lips on her cheek.

"You have been drinking."

"Addie, he needed a few drinks to get over his jealousy," Mark said and smiled. She looked at Derek in curiosity.

"You have been jealous?"

His brain was pudding again hearing her voice all deep and low.

"He nearly hit me for staring at your chest," Mark joked.

"You stare at every woman's chest."

"I do, I agree with you."

"So why did you want to punch him Derek?"

"I … I don't like other men staring at your chest."

"I cannot hide my chest."

"But you don't have to give them all a free show."

"I don't give free shows." He didn't know what to say to make her understand what he means. Maybe he had too many drinks; maybe Mark poured him one after another.

"I don't want you to show those," and in this moment he grabs her breasts which were now clad in this pink bra, "to everybody if they are not wrapped up in some bra."

Addison looked into his eyes. Could she read his mind? She slightly pushed his hands away.

"Why did you let him drink," she asked Mark.

"I thought he may tell me details."

"I remember the last time you tried to get his attention this way." Her look was questioning. "I can tell you the dates on which you went braless to work in New York. I can tell you the dates he noticed and on which he didn't – which eventually would be 99 percent of it."

"You noticed?"

"How could I not? I mean you are a gorgeous woman and not wearing a bra makes men's head turn after you. They never look into your face; they stared at your second pair of eyes." He took a deep breath. "And now wearing a pink bra under a white blouse gives us men the rest of it."

Mark laughed. Derek didn't. They stared at them, the daze of alcohol making him all tired and weak. He wanted Mark to leave and to have Addison all alone.

Addison asked Mark to leave because she had an early surgery the next day.

"What do you think you were doing," she asked Derek as soon as the door was closed behind Dr. Sloan.

"What do you mean Addie," he said and walked towards her, a fresh glass in hand.

"But I am not tired."

"You are tired."

"Can I sleep with you, mama?"

"What did you just say?"

"You want to tug me in; mamas do so, so I called you mama."

"God, Derek you are drunk."

"So can I sleep with …no, can I sleep next to you?" Now he finally noticed that he was really a little bit drunk. He nearly asked her if he could sleep with her, maybe she didn't notice it.

She looked tired but gave in and agreed that if he insisted. He changed into fresh boxers and the next thing was that he smelled her next to him. She let him move towards her back, let her head rest on his arm, let his right arm hug her waist tightly. Addison didn't push him away when his manhood was finally pressed against her butt.

~*~

_December 17_

_I do not want to think about all of it again because it was just plainly amazing. I wanted him inside, I nearly begged for it but it would have been wrong. He has to decide which woman he wants in his life.  
She still spends too much time with Derek, she scrubs into every surgery possible, and she takes a seat next to him at the cafeteria, while eating lunch. Sometimes I think that she even parks her car next to us. Callie said I would have a persecution complex. Maybe she is right. Maybe I am only afraid of what will happen next. Will he get bored of me again? _

_And stupid me gave him a free show? I don't know why I didn't close the door completely. I have thought about again and again. The little devil on my shoulder always says that I planned it; the angel calls him a liar and tells me that it was imprudence.  
I should have asked him to leave but I didn't. I finished what I started. After the tub I longed for something more than some fingers inside me, something fill me completely. Yes, I finally own vibrators, dildos – the girls' best friends, aren't they? Of course my favorite doesn't have Derek's size – you shall not make portraits of the perfect dick, Naomi once said when we got drunk on the terrace. Being with Derek had been very painful in the beginning but somehow this pain changed into pleasure one day. God, yes, scream it out loud, Addison – yes your husband has a dick like a horse and you had a hard time taking him. Yes, true it is. Not like a horse but bigger than all the guys I ever have been (not that many at all compared to others) and bigger than the average size. Let's call him hung. _

_Of course I thought about him while masturbating. I can't remember the day it wasn't him. Even while being with Mark or Kevin. And then, suddenly, he was standing in the door watching me. I'd lie if I would say now that this wasn't turning me on. _

_I can be a tease. _

_And work was a bitch lately. Cases more and more complicated and I things are getting me harder, especially if families are losing a child. I always have to think about losing Lilly or Oliver – I would surrender. It makes it harder to give parents the hope that the next time, maybe, she wouldn't lose the child late in her pregnancy. Maybe the next time the infant would be able to survive because she had carried the baby to term.  
It is harder not to lose control and on days like this I get Meredith on my side. She isn't able to deal with parents. She is maybe a good ER doctor, maybe even good in some surgeries but absolutely misplaced in the neonatal or gynecological department Izzie. She is sensitive and caring. _

_But again my mind wanders towards Derek. He was telling me what to wear and what not to. Okay, I wanted to tease him, I went out without a bra but I did it before. Sometimes at night I run around at home without one too and he never said anything. What changed? _

_Sometimes a woman needs the verification that she is still womanly, attractive.  
He bought nice underwear for me but he didn't give it to me, didn't ask to get a free fashion show. I wasn't comfortable him buying me underwear in public. It somehow scared me that he still knew my sizes and my styles.  
But I can remember his size too well myself and how it felt inside me. It hadn't been like before. Your sex had always been wild, hard, and passionate – not a work you had to do.  
Times I hadn't asked for it but gotten it, pressed against a cold on-call-room. In every position you could even think of. Once Sav said we rewrote the Kama sutra twice. Maybe we did, during our good years of marriage. The last years had been, how to say – and I thought a lot about it lately – once a month or every two months missionary style, once a year even doggy style and maybe in the kitchen. What a thrilling love life! Maybe we just had too much sex the years before. _

_But I long for him and not the sex. I long for his touches, hugs, and his body pressed against mine. I long for his warmth and his hands to hold me. I could go without the sex as long as I know that he isn't screwing around. _

_On the other hand there are days I just need a good orgasm. Who doesn't? Days I only want somebody to take me, make me come – and I do not talk about making love. A vibrator is a good friend but nothing compared a real man. No hands. No tongue. No lips. No warmth. _

_And as soon as I close my eyes I see him.  
As soon as I close my eyes I feel his lips on my skin. His big hands all over my body His full erection so deep inside me._

_I close my eyes I feel him, hear him say that he loves me, hear him whisper sweet words into my ear.  
As soon as I close my eyes it feels too easy to tell him that I love him, that I never stopped._


	13. Chapter 13

_December 20_

_Finally we have everything packed and honestly said I cannot wait for the moment the plane touches JFK. We have so many cases, I cannot believe it. _

_Derek has been stranger the last days. He acted funny around me, around Mark and Callie too. I do not know what's up his mind. I let him share my bed when he was drunk the one night but that was the last time he tried to make an attempt to get onto me._

_I tried everything. I flirted with Alex in his presence. Even with the new guy attending from radiology, nothing. Not a word, a move, nothing. I went without a bra at home. Once I even walked in underwear towards his room to ask for help with a necklace. And this underwear was hot – white Italian lace, quite sheer. I let the bathroom door open while taking a bath, I announced using the Jacuzzi. He didn't even brush accidentally into me. _

_He is so different, so absolutely different. Days ago he couldn't get enough of touching me, making me uncomfortable and now? _

_Maybe he is seeing her again. Maybe he found a way to release his tension.  
Maybe I asked for too much in too little time – to make a decision. Maybe I cannot offer enough; maybe he needs a number which is younger, fresher. I can offer techniques, a still sexy trim body but not youth. _

_I pushed him once, in the Jacuzzi, I pushed him being revealing. I pushed … But I have done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I am his wife, his wife. Wives are allowed to do things like this. Wives are meant to get touched by her husbands. I am only a woman. I have needs. I can handle some of them alone but not everything._

_And now heading towards his parents will stretch it again. We share a room, we share a bed. We will play the innuendos again. We will push buttons again and as soon as the bedroom door closes the curtain will fall._

~*~

_December 21_

_Thankfully the kids slept most of the flight but I wasn't able to. Derek was soundly asleep. Booking first class had been a good decision; at least I had space for my legs. _

_But guess who pick us up from the airport – Kathleen. She didn't even greet me; she hugged Derek and tried to joke with the kids. I felt misplaced.  
Sometimes I think of my youth spend with the Shepherds, most of my twenties I stayed with them during the holidays. But Kathleen never liked me. The hours of drive I remained silent, sitting in the back, Lillian asleep next to me. I wanted to ignore the discomfort but it couldn't be. Derek joked, laughed and there was nothing to laugh for me. I was looking forward to see Nancy and Carolyn but of course not Suzanna and Kathleen after the scene day at made at Thanksgiving. _

_We got the room on the 2__nd__ floor of Carolyn's house, the kids got theirs in Carolyn's bedroom, she insisted on taking care of them to get to know them a little better.  
Carolyn and I just put them down together for the night when she asked me if something wasn't right between Derek and me. I said no. She probably felt that it was some kind of lie.  
There hadn't been the kissing, the touching – the big show we put on the last time – again. We didn't fight or argue or discuss, we just lived next to each other. How did we end there within days? _

~*~

"Addison", Derek voice trailed towards her, while she talked to Nancy about something he didn't understand because they nearly whispered. "Addison?"

"Derek I am talking to her now."

"Nancy, could you give us a few minutes." Derek's sister knew that some discussions weren't worth the time, so she left the room and let him stand there with Addison alone.

"What is it?"

"Mom said you would not talk to my sisters."

"That's not right."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, well, they aren't talking to me either so there is this missing base, we don't share any interests and we do not come along very well so before I start an argument again, I prefer to remain silent."

"This isn't you."

"It is your family Derek, not mine."

"It is your family too."

"I ….," she couldn't finish the sentence because he came towards her, pushing her chin up meet his eyes.

"You know Addison my mom loves you like a daughter and Nancy loves you too."

"This isn't half of the family at all. Look Derek, I agreed on coming here so give me some space. I will do my best not to be passive."

"We will meet your parents on the 27th."

"Oh… thanks for telling me."

"The Captain said you didn't call back."

"Yeah, well just haven't had the time."

"Addison, just give up. They want to see the kids, they want to see you – they are your parents. Your mother is sick; she will start chemotherapy after New Year's Day."

"I know." Derek noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. Without another word he hugged her. Maybe she was passive because his family seemed perfect to most of the people, even if they weren't, and her family was the contrary. Her parents married out of convenience, two good families agreed to get their kids into wedlock. Her parents cheated on each other on a regular base, her mother lived her sexual needs with a woman, Addison just discovered. Her brother probably slept with more women than he had dollars on his Forbes family account.

Kathleen walked into the room, seeing them hugging. Derek glared at her but she didn't care. He hadn't told anybody about Bizzy's cancer. He didn't want to make them more uncomfortable around Addison, especially his mother. The parents never came along very well, being too different.

"Do you want a glass of wine," Derek asked and loosened the hug. The made a fire and we're sitting around the fire place looking through old photo albums.

Addison nodded, grabbed her woolen jacket and went behind Derek into the living room. They were sitting on the floor and the sofas. Derek sat down on the floor, making space between his legs for her to sit in front of him. He had an old album in hands – their first wedding.  
She didn't argue with him but sat down, he pulled her towards his chest and against her propped up legs, and he rested the album. Emotions washed through him when they went through the pictures. Her dress had coast a fortune, once he had been told that it had been more than five thousand dollars, the dress only and he had no idea how much the diamonds and pearls in her hair, the handmade white Italian lace corset or the silk stockings had cost. Her bridal bouquet had been blue corn flowers, her mother had lent her white gloves from her grandmother and her dad had given her a new pearl necklace. She had looked like out of a fairy tale book. The ceremony had been long, the classical vows had been spoken and the dinner afterwards was rather conservative.  
While she looked at the pictures of the ceremony some time longer he remembered the night which started in the early morning hours of their first day of being married. It had taken him nearly an hour to get her out of the dress, all those tiny buttons. He had left the corset consumed their marriage this night, a few long sessions of love making in a very comfortable hotel room suite.

Kathleen cleared her throat. "I know that this may be a surprise but I have to tell you something." Derek stared at his sister, wondering which news she might have. "We are pregnant again." She said with a smile. "How," Nancy asked, "I mean your husband is in Iraq."

"He was home for four days."

"Some are reproducing like rabbits," Derek thought.

"We just found out, I am already three months along and the HCG levels pretty high, so the doctor made an ultrasound and …. We are expecting twins."

Everybody congratulated her, even Addison and this was hard on her, he noticed how stiff her body was.

"The docs said that if I read May the kids will be developed far enough."

"Do have twins in the family Carolyn," Addison asked.

"Derek's father had a twin brother who died a couple of weeks after birth and I think, if I remember it correctly, your grandmother had given birth to another set of twins too early." She nodded.

"How perfectly our twins fit into this family then," Derek thought. Addison came back towards him, still stiff. They had never talked about if she wanted to have kids back in New York after she once told him that she isn't able to have kids.

A few minutes after ten Addison excused her, because of the long flight, and headed upstairs to the bedroom.

"She is acting funny," Suzanna blurted as soon as Addison was out of sight.

"She is tired Suz," he replied.

"No, that's not what I mean."

"You are right Suz," Kathleen stepped in, "she is acting strange. Maybe she is having an affair."

"God, no, she is not having an affair."

"Maybe she should get laid then," Suz commented.

"Enough girls," Carolyn said and stepped between Derek and his sisters. "Maybe you two, girls, start to behave. Their private life is none of your business. And maybe she is tired, maybe she is not comfortable around you two and maybe it is because her mother has cancer. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk about it."

Derek stared at his mother. How did she know?

"Cancer?"

"Yes, she has cancer."

"We didn't know," Suzanna said halfhearted.

His mother went further into arguing with her daughter. "Bizzy has a cervix carcinoma stage 3 which means it already involves the lower third of her vagina." Carolyn let it sink it. "She will go into chemo and radiation therapy the day after New Year's Day. They try the best after her surgery to get her on the best possible medication you can buy for money but honestly said it doesn't look to good. There are two more stages we do not even want to think of. Her kidneys are still working but it may be just a matter of time." Derek hadn't noticed up to the very moment that Nancy had left the room.

"How is she dealing with it?"

"A couple of weeks ago we still thought it's just a myoma. Things developed very quickly, that's the risky thing with cancer in this areas. Within days it can spread. And it did. Addison is holding up, trying to play the happy mother but like you may have noticed it doesn't work to well. You couldn't know it Kathleen but I think telling that you are pregnant again gave her the rest for today."

"We are really sorry Derek."

"They may have never been very close but it's still her mother," Carol said and hugged Derek.

"How did you know mom?"

"The Captain called to ask me to not let you go to visit her. She doesn't want Addison to see her like this. She already shaved her head and he said that she lost quite an amount of weight and she hasn't been heavy at all. And…"

"I can't keep Addison from visiting her."

"It is her wish, Derek."

"You couldn't keep us from visiting you either in a situation like this."

Carolyn sighed. "I know, you are right. Maybe you can call your father in law tomorrow and talk to him."

"I will call him. Addison really looked forward to meet her father, her parents."

Derek left the room and when he opened his bedroom door he saw Nancy sitting on the bed, hugging Addison tight. His wife hadn't been crying, all tears had been shed. Nancy noticed Derek and left.

"You have told them?"

"No, your dad called my mom."

"Oh, okay. Let's not talk about it now, I am really tired."

"You cannot push it away Addison."

"I know it too well Derek, really. But just give me a break." She headed towards the still unopened case and opened it, grabbed a silky night gown and started to undress in front of him. "So, I didn't know that twins were going in your family."

What a change of topic! "I didn't either."

"You didn't know that your dad had a twin brother?"

"No, we rarely talk about dad and I was so little when he died. Well, it probably never came up."

"She is pregnant again."

"I think she gets pregnant when her husband is in the same room. He spent most of the last eight years in Afghanistan or Iraq and she was pregnant at least three times as far as we know."

"Some are lucky." Addison was standing in front of her suit case in only a flimsy bra and low cut laced panties. Without asking him to turn around or anything he had counted of, she unclasped it, got rid of her panties and got into this little black number.  
There had been nothing erotic about this scene, she changed into her nightwear but he just couldn't get his eyes of her. He wanted to drink her body in, remember every inch of it again.

Five minutes later she came back from the bathroom, tooth brushed, hair combed, night cream applied. He was already waiting to head in, only wearing long pajama pants. It has always been colder on the east coast, lots of snow – something he missed in Seattle.

He wanted to ask Addison so many questions. During the hours on the plane he had argued with himself if this was the right place and the right time and he came to the conclusion that she wasn't able to run away that easily.

When he came back to bed, she was on her back, a book in hands.

"What are you reading?" He asked while opening the window for a minute to feel the cold December air brush against his skin.

"God Derek, it's getting cold in here. Oh … I am reading, something historical. Violet sent it to me for Christmas."

"Tell."

"When God and his Saints slept."

"It sounds interesting. And it looks quite thick."

"I already read half of it on the plane while you wear asleep."

"I wasn't sleeping."

"No?"

"No. I was thinking."

"About?"

"I want to ask you something." He started and crawled into the bed beside her. "Why did you never tell me that your were pregnant?"

She sat up and stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

He took a deep breath. He had to admit that he read her diaries. "I read one of your old diaries, not all of it, just some entries while I went through stuff on the attic."

"No, you didn't," she said in disbelieve.

"I am sorry Addison, I really am. But why did you never tell me? Maybe your marriage would …"

"No Derek, nothing would have changed." Addison now sat straight in bed, her back against the headboard, her hands playing nervously with the pages of the thick book. "It wasn't the first time. We once thought I was pregnant, remember, the first year of our internship. You said it wasn't the right time, that your career would be more important. Remember? We had a positive pregnancy test in hand but in the fourth month there was my period again. You seemed to be happy. Up to this legendary May you are talking about it happened five times again, each time I had a positive pregnancy test in hand, once even got an ultra sound and lost it between week five and seven. This one time I even reached week eight, even. I wanted to tell you Derek, I wanted but I wanted to be sure first that I got over the first trimester. I was afraid that you would say it again that it wasn't the right moment. We only had sex on very rare occasions. I didn't want you to think that I was not able … and you may have thought that you wouldn't be the father."

Tears were running down her cheeks. She was right, the first time it had not been the right moment. Maybe it had never been the right moment. Maybe it would have been the best if it just would have happened, if she would have overrun him with the news after the first trimester. Maybe ….

Finally he realized her last words. "No, Addison. You are wrong. Up to the day I caught you in bed with my best friend I never thought about the fact that you could be cheating on me."

"Really?

"You did?"

"No, I did not but there have been many possibilities. Patient's Choice award, the Neonatal Gala Night, the ball invitation in the city hall … there have been men …"

Derek had realized before that it had been his fault too that she had sex with Mark. She also had needs but sex only?

"I lost counting on how many nights I had been waiting at home, dinner ready, for you to come home. You didn't even notice that I lost nearly two cloth sizes during the last year of our marriage. Didn't you? So Derek, now guess why I wanted to be sure about this pregnancy. I do not believe it would have changed anything between us but it would have changed things for me. Maybe I would have had the power to leave you."

"You thought about leaving?"

"Well, after waiting for you on Valentine's day, your anniversary, your birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's day – yes, I thought about it but I didn't have any power left."

Derek hadn't been there for her. His mother had told him so, his sister and even Mark. Mark had taken care of her, started to love her, just be there for her – things he had not been able to do himself.

"But you would have told me…"

"Eventually some day, but it never came that far. I lost it. The doctor said that the amount of stress had been too much and my rapid weight loss…"

How could he not have noticed it? The day he saw her naked, he kissed her again, she felt absolutely the same.

"Mark had taken care of me before I found Casey's or had it been Ginger's earrings? Or had it been underwear? I try to forget about it."

"I always wanted kids," Derek whispered.

"You have them now."

"I don't mean it this way. I always wanted to have kids with you."

She looked at him. "It wasn't meant to be." She moved under the covers again. Without resistance she let him hold her tightly pressed against his chest, his lips pressing kisses against her hair.

"I always wondered how they would look – your beauty and my brain."

She laughed softly. "Well actually my brain, Derek."

"I only say double board, world famous."

"That doesn't work Addie because I wanted her to have your hair and eyes, she can't have your brain too."

"She?"

"I always pictured a girl."

She remained silent. Closing his eyes he saw his little girl in front of him, red locks, blue eyes, creamy skin, his wit and brain but also her talent for sarcastic comments.

He turned her to her back, hovering slightly over her. "I didn't mean it this way Addison, really. I was wondering why you kept something so important from me."

"You should not read somebody else's diaries. They are private."

"I thought marriage means sharing."

"I already shared enough with you," she whispered.

He thought about the night after their kissing and touching in the Jacuzzi.

"I didn't mean to interrupt."

"I should have closed the door."

"Thankfully you didn't. I always thought girls from Connecticut don't pleasure themselves."

"Naomi and Violet converted me. They said it was nothing wrong about it."

He had to smile, this was so his Addison. "But you have been toughing yourself while we …"

"This was different. It was for you, not for me. But … I don't want to talk about it. It makes me …." She had blushed from her chest to her ears. His Addison had always been good in having sex but rarely if it came to talking.

"This is something natural," Derek said softly, knowing that he was stepping into unknown and sensitive territory.

"It is?" Addison said with a smile, her voice was low and hoarsely.

"Sure," he replied after a short pause.

"So you …?"

"Isn't it natural to touch yourself from time to time if you do not have sex on a regular base?"

She smiled at him. "Does it mean that you … I mean … do you?"

"You are not able to say it." He said and laughed softly about her mumbling.

"Sure I can."

"No, you cannot."

"Derek … I am a doctor, I am able to speak about topics like this."

"You are prude."

"No, I am not a prude, I am from Connecticut."

"And you are prude if it comes to talking about it."

"God, why do I have to have this argument with you?"

"It isn't an argument Addie, I just said …"

"I can say it but maybe I don't want to."

She still didn't move under him. In his eyes he could see that she was a little uncomfortable.

"This is the point, it is an excuse. You cannot ask me."

"Could you maybe move off me?"

"Why?"

"Because maybe I do not feel comfortable to be stuck under you?"

"We can change that," he said and rolled them over so she was on top, nearly straddling him.

"So, can you say it now Addison?" She had sat up; her hot center was pressed against his belly.

"Why is it so important for you that I walk about it?"

"It isn't important Addie, I just want you to say it this one time."

She was sitting there, her hands moving through her hair. Just the way she was positioned over him was hot, amazing hot in his very own opinion. Her chest heaved with every breath she took. Him stared at her chest, the outline of her breasts against the thin fabric.

"You are staring."

"I like what I see."

"Well, I would lie if I didn't notice your attraction right against my bud."

"I can't do anything about it, Addie, I …"

"So, Derek, do you masturbate?" He smiled when her mouth closed after she finished the line he had waited for her to say.

"Yeah sometimes."

Her mouth parted, she licked her lips. His eyes were still fixed on her breasts. Her hands slowly moved towards them. They hold them, pushed them slightly up. He could see the increased cleavage on top of the nightdress.

"Often?"

"More often lately," his voice was nearly a whisper now.

"Why is this so?" It seemed to him like she tried her voice to be as steady as possible but sounded slightly shaggy.

"A lady which is able to give me a stroke with the way she teases me."

"So there is someone?"

"Yes, she is an amazing woman. He could nearly watch her pupil dilate. "She has those eyes that can change color; sometimes they are bright blue sometimes a shade of green which can't be defined. And her brain, it cannot be described. Amazing, she is all brains."

"So you like her for her brain?" She said, her hands moved from her breasts to her hips slowly.

"Actually I love her brain a lot but there are other things I love about her a lot too."

"Want to tell me?"

"I don't know if you really want to know it."

"Why do you think so?"

"Because I cannot guarantee you that I can stop. She is such an astounding woman."

"Give it a try."

"Would you move a little down?" Without replying she moved, he could feel her wait shift, brush against his already strained boxers. His eyes shut shortly when she moved over him.

"She has a porcelain skin, delicate long legs, muscular and strong. She has rather big hands, most of the time really short cut nails but those fingers are soft, able to brush over my skin like a feather. I really like those lush thing lips with which she is able to pout, close around things and produce this kind of smile I really think is hot. And this hair color – unique. But there I have to be honest; I really hope that she will let it grow again. I thought she was more of an Aphrodite with long hair, the locks over her shoulder softly against her breasts…. Oh, and those are especially amazing." He could have gone on like this for hours and come into his boxers while she was straddling him, her hands had moved to his chest, softly leaning forward.

"She seems to be special to you," she whispered into his ear before he could feel her tongue on his earlobe.


	14. Chapter 14

"_She seems to be special to you," she whispered into his ear before he could feel her tongue earlobe._

"Of course she is and I think that she starts to realize it, slowly." His hands roamed over her body, starting with her hands, over her shoulders to her neck and roaming down over her breasts to her belly.

Her eyes had always been locked with his. But before he could push the hem of her nightgown up she stopped his hands. Derek didn't know why she suddenly stopped him. Her hands were resting over his and were pressed to her belly.

"Don't you want …"

"This isn't the right place."

"Somehow I start to think that it is never the right place or time," Derek said and put her hands off her body and shoved her off him.

"Derek …"

"No Addison. You tease me day in, day out. You make me believe that you want me and then, every time I though you, you back off, ask for a rain check with some excuse. What will be next? Your period? Headache?"

Addison rolled off and showed Derek her backs.

"That is so typical you," Derek said, stood up and grabbed his robe. "So typical. You want me to make decisions? Well, I am not sure if you have made yours. I had made mine but I am not sure anymore if it had been the right one. Marriage is work and this includes both partners. You want to tease me? Well, you can but don't ask me to be monogamous if this is all you are willing to give."

"Why do you have to say something like this?" Addison replied and sat up in bed. "I left everything in Los Angeles, I moved on … and now you say that you are only willing to be monogamous if I let you fuck me?"

Derek stood in the middle of the room, the light was still dimmed. He wasn't sure if he was shocked or not by the words he just heard.

"Don't talk like that."

"Talk how? Why should I differ things?"

"Because this isn't you speaking, you do not use words like fuck. This is not Addison Forbes …"

"No, but maybe it is the wife you made out of me."

"Don't give me that."

"I only told you the truth. If it is about fucking, I could give in on this."

"You should know too well that I haven't been talking about it. And have I ever said that I want to, how did you say it, fuck you? No."

"Whatever," were her last words, before she shut the light off.

Derek went downstairs and sat down in the living room where Nancy was still reading a book.

"Derek," she asked when he sat down next to her.

"Sometimes I have no clue how to handle her."

"What are you talking about?" She asked and he told her, what just happened, how things were in Seattle and what she asked for. He told her about the way she let him touch her, the way he was allowed to hold and kiss but not go any further.

"Have you ever said the three words? Maybe this is the key to her heart."

"She knows it."

"Knowing? Derek … Derek you have to say them."

"I am not sure that I can. Of course I love her but I am not always sure that it is the way she would deserve it. She is perfect, maybe too perfect. She cheated on me."

"You also cheated on her Derek, you are even."

"It wasn't the same with Meredith."

"It was. You were married, she ran after you, tried to work things out and you didn't even care. You let her do the work and ignored her, you really ignored her. Remember Prom night? I mean I would have killed you, stabbed you in her position. And what did she do? She left. She let you have your life, divorced you and moved on. You ask her to come back, to raise kids with you and so she did. She left everything she had worked on behind to be there for the kids. The only thing she asks for is your commitment to only love her and nobody else. That the only one you make love to is her and not Meredith or another woman."

"I haven't slept with Meredith in …"

"Well, I also talked to Addison Derek and I knew a few things. I mean what went on in your brain fucking the intern in your living room? Another night I would have probably shot you."

"How do you know?"

"She told me."

"How did she ….?"

"You are not talking, aren't you? Well, she came home earlier than you probably thought. She got to see quite a few things …"

"Shit." Derek only said and put his head in his hands. "How is she able …"

"Do not ask me how she is able to handle this again but I can tell you one thing brother, she doesn't deserve it. She deserves better. She deserves to be loved."

"Deserves, deserves, deserves …"

"Yes Derek. She is an amazing woman who gave up even part of her career to be a mother."

"Because it is her last chance."

"Derek you get it wrong. You have to tell her that you love her, if you do. If. … Do you?"

"I think so."

"You think?"

"It isn't that easy Nancy. I want to be near her, feel her, hug her, hear her voice. If I come upstairs and her bedroom door is closed, I always ask myself what she is doing. If she goes out at night, I always think that she maybe will meet somebody and fall in love. Leave me."

"That's what is called love Derek." Nancy grabbed Derek's hand. "And believe me one thing, brother, she would never leave you and the kids. Maybe she would throw you out, maybe but she would give everything to stay with the kids."

"But there are moments …"

"Don't do this Derek."

"She pushes me away every time I get really near her."

"Give her the time. Maybe she wants it to be special?"

"She never …"

"Addison also grew up, changed. Maybe she wants to decide the right time? Maybe she wants you to proof that she is the only one?"

"How can I proof it?" Derek asked her and stared at his feet.

"Maybe it is time that you invite her to your bedroom?"

"Why is this all about sex?"

"It is about sex for you but not for her."

"My private therapist."

"Maybe you need one. I know that she can be a tease, she always had been one but it is different now. She wants to be hold at night, to be close to you. Show her the closeness, show her that you care about her, always be there for her but give her space."

Derek stood up and went towards the board where his mother stored Scotch and glasses. Many things were going through his head. He wanted her more than breathing at the moment. When he sat down next to Nancy he handed her one glass.

"I don't know how long I can go on like this. She is making me crazy." He took a sip after clicking glasses with his sister. "I am in a constant state of arousal around her."

"You always have been."

He had to smile because she was right. In the early years of their marriage he couldn't get his hands off her.

"Have you told her?"

"I cannot say … Oh Addison, I have to tell you that I have a hard on every second I am near you." O

Nancy laughed, a full belly laugh. "Of course not like this, there are other ways. But since when do you need advices on your love life from your baby sister?"

"I do not need advices."

"You may not need any on sex life but on understanding women. Addison is special and she is giving you a second chance here. Do not screw it up."

"I hopefully will not."

"So head up, hug her, tell her how you feel and make her feel to be the only woman in your life."

They sat together for a few more minutes in silence, sipping their Scotch before he headed upstairs. The room was darkened and when he slept under the sheets, he felt a naked body next to him. He was wearing boxers and even the idea of her being absolutely naked next to him make him go pudding all over again. He couldn't think straight anymore.

Derek thought about pushing the moment, there was even a small thought, a very small one, about taking advantage. But he told himself to give her space. He moved towards her, not touching but he could feel the warmth of her body.

"You want to have sex," the voice from next to him asked.

"It is not about what I want," he replied.

"I can already feel what you want."

"Addison, just forget it and let's sleep." Addison moved towards him, pressed her naked body into his and it fit so perfectly. She wiggled her but softly and he knew that his response couldn't be ignored. Of course he was aroused, he was aroused by her ever second of the day they spent in the same room.

"Stop it," he said and put an arm around her waist to still her movements. But she didn't. The female hand grabbed his, Derek stiffened, before she moved it onto her breast. With his hand under hers they were roaming over her chest. He felt her nipples tighten under his hand. He had to close his eyes, take deep breaths.  
Addison's second hand was tucking at his boxershorts. Derek tried to ask himself why things suddenly were like this, what she was up to and why she had changed her minds.

The second her hand was wrapped around his erection his brain set out.

"You want this," Addison asked and he didn't answer in words anymore. With one hand he shrugged his boxers off and moved her under him. He started with kissing her luscious lips. The first contact was made in the very corner over her mouth. She tasted sweet, like Vanilla and strawberries. He liked her lips. He didn't need to ask for entrance. Her mouth was open within seconds and their tongues locked together in an unforgettable tango of passion and lust. He broke the contact for a moment. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted. His mouth crashed down on hers again, the slow going from the first meeting was gone.  
Slowly his lips danced from her mouth to her neck, softly placing and licking her collar bone and ended on her breasts; suckle at them, softly biting down, while his hand moved between her legs. He didn't await that she was ready from just kissing, remembering how it had been ages ago. But she seemed to be ready. She moaned while he was biting down on her nipple harder. Passion and pain. While his mouth was busy on her breast, his hand was spreading the wetness between her legs. She moaned, writhe. Derek could feel her body tense when he moved a finger into her. He always had been in love with her low and hoarse moans, the picture of her face when she was writhing under him, the facial views relaxed, the lips parted, the chest and neck blushed, the eyes usually tight shut and her hands in his hair or somewhere clenching the linen.  
Derek's brain weighted between using another finger and making her come first or let himself feel her tightness around him as soon as possible. His mind always played games on him if it comes to this topic. Sometimes she told him what she wanted next but this time she stayed rather calm, except for her moans and soft gasps. Derek could hear her disappointed moan, when his wet lips lost contact to her nipple. He trailed kisses up to her mouth again when he positioned himself right over her. His brain was overworked with the fact that he was finally moving inside her. He kissed her, held her. With one long stroke he moved into her half way, his wife was whimpering under him.

The moment he noticed that her eyes were all glassy and a tear was softly running down her cheeks, Derek liked it away. She felt so tight around him, too tight to hold on for long, even her breathing made her tighten around him. "Addie?"

"Give me a second."

"Talk to me."

"Just give me some time to adjust to your size Derek," she replied softly.

Derek kissed her, staying completely still while his tongue was dancing with hers, his hands were on his back, digging her nails into the soft of his skin. He broke the kiss for a second, moving his forehead against hers. "You are still so tight Addison, I am not sure if I can hold it for long."

"Move slowly."

And so he did. Taking time and giving her time he started to move, move further into her.

"God," she moaned. He had the feeling that he was finally completely in her, giving her time, he started to kiss her again.

"If you keep breathing like this Addison it will be over within a couple of seconds. I have never imagined that you are still like a tight fist around me."

"In contrary of what you may think, I haven't slept around." Derek started to lick her neck, sucking on her pulse. "How many Addie, after you left …"

"Two .."

And with that he started to move in her, slowly, carefully. She moaned and didn't need much of help to come. He was proud of himself when he felt her clench around him. Derek had to bite down on his lip hard not to come immediately, he kept moving. Slowly, gently.  
Slowly her eyes opened dark in passion. He wanted to change position, feel her more. He longed to ask her to be on top but this wasn't the right moment for him. Maybe another time.  
He stopped for a second, her eyes questioning. His hands trailed over her long legs and heaved them up over his shoulders. She moaned louder than before. He felt himself moving deeper into her.

"God, Derek …" she moaned when he placed his lip on hers. "you are bleeding." She said and his finger touched his lip.

"I don't care Addie," he said and sucked in her finger a little bit, feeling the metallic taste of his own blood. He had bitten down on his lip when she orgasmed but didn't imagine that it had been that hard.

He moved in and out. Her hands had moved to her breasts, playing with her nipples. One of his hands wanted to be between them, make her come again but she grabbed it, held it onto her breast. There was no need for words.

Derek felt his orgasm build up, he felt her tighten around him, his eyes were locked to his.

"Don't …. Close … your eyes," he said between moans. And she did her best to do so. The dark blue orbs staring at him, watching him, observing him.

He felt that it would only take him a few more strokes. "Come with me," he begged and his strokes grew harder. He could hear her moans, gasps, soft mumbling of words he didn't understand. He wanted her to come with him; he wanted to tell her again and again. He wanted to let her know how beautiful she was.  
And suddenly he felt this overwhelming sensation growing up. He tried to concentrate of his strokes but wasn't able anymore. And then it happened. He came and the last few trusts took her with him, coming hard on he buried his teeth in her shoulder, shaking, trying to stifle his screams of pleasure.

He released her legs from his shoulders and they just lay there in the same position had been before they climaxed together. Derek was noticing that he had bitten down too hard, he could taste blood. He felt ashamed and insecure the same time. This had never happened before, how would she react?

She didn't say a word.

A little later he moved off her and hugged her against his chest before falling asleep.

~*~

_December 23_

_I noticed him getting out of bed, I had been awake for hours but I played the sleeping wife. _

_After what he said and after he left the room, many things went through my head. Nevertheless I am his wife and he has rights, not that I wouldn't welcome it at all but before he goes out at night and finds relief with another woman or turns his head against towards Meredith. Before all that happens, I am able to offer it. _

_For the last couple of weeks I wished that he would come one night, tell me, that he fell in love with me again, that all other bonds were cut. I only want him to say that I am the only one. Is it too much to ask for? _

_I can do the dress up, wear the sexy underwear. I can do the blow jobs. I can do all the things but it will never be the same if he mean it. I can do all the things I am somehow uncomfortable with or dislike. I did it with other men; I could do it with him too. _

_I do not ask for a forever. I ask for a few words, a few words to make me feel special. I ask for a few moments. _

_~*~_

Derek had decided to let her sleep not knowing how to react, what to say. There had been ideas forming up in his brain but somehow he didn't want to act on them. He stepped under the hot shower spray, hotter than usual to wash all the idea of ravishing her again off.

While he was shaving he heard somebody move in the bedroom, his hand had already been on the doorknob but let go, remembering to give her time. She had offered herself to him, he had come to this conclusion while standing in the shower. She had offered herself and he took her. God, what mistake had he made? He took her. He took advantage of her. She seemed to be willing. She never said no or stop but she didn't encourage him either.

The moment he left the bathroom, he bedroom was empty. When he moved downstairs he noticed the door to his mother's bedroom open and Addison sitting in a chair, Oliver in her arms, giving him a bottle.

He wanted to join her, to speak with her but one of his nephews was already calling for him from the kitchen.

Breakfast was loud, frank, all the kids running around. Addison was sitting next to Carolyn and they were chatting happily about the kids. They had slept through the night without any problems. His sisters were rather ignoring them and Derek had decided that ignoring was a good thing, ignoring means no troubles, arguments, fights.

Addison was still wearing a robe and excused herself after breakfast to take a shower and change. Derek was already walking upstairs behind her when Nancy stopped him.

"Derek, something happened last night after our talk?"

He stepped down again and they went into his father's old study. "So Derek?"

"We had sex."

"Just like that?"

"I don't know." Derek said and sat down on the old leather sofa. "She kind of offered herself to me and I took advantage."

"Advantage?"

"Not like it seems. She was naked, pressed herself against me ….things happened."

"Did you tell her that you love her?"

"No," he was only able to whisper.

"Do you love her at all?"

"I do, I really do."

"Like in New York?"

"Differently."

"How?"

"I am jealous as soon as she talks to a man. I … I want to be near her all the time, want to feel her, taste her or just hear her voice. I want to see her when I wake up and to be the last thing at night. I want to argue with her, discuss and disagree. I want to see her running on the beach, in expensive underwear and turn heads. I want to be able to say 'Look that's mine, I am taking her home.' And want to hear her laughter and see the smile."

"And where is the difference to …?"

"I grew up. I know now that she is my soulmate. I have never really been jealous back in New York. She turned heads but I did not really care, at least I didn't care in the end. There was no need to see her, feel her or taste her. We had sex, now and then in the last years but it was nothing special. Of course it was hot and passionate but not lasting. I got off the bed when I was finished and took a shower. I don't know why it took me so long to realize all those things."

"Maybe because she doesn't let you get near her that easily anymore."

"It could be the reason."

"But maybe because she also learned her share. Addison isn't the woman she had been anymore."

"You are right. She changed a lot."

He sighed. She was more beautiful and stronger and at the same time more sensitive. Working with patients had changed her behavior at work, she was closer to the patients. Not that she had been insensitive before, just different.

"Go after her," Nancy said. Derek left, more insecure as before and headed upstairs. When he opened the door, Addison was standing at a counter going through her wardrobe.  
Derek went up behind her, he could watch him come near her in the mirror. She didn't turn around nor did she stop but through the mirrors their eyes were locked. He went up behind her, moved her hands around her waist and hugged her back against his chest. She didn't flex. She let him hold her. Derek placed kisses on the place of her shoulder, where her skin was broken, where he had bitten down too hard. "I am sorry," he mumbled. He was kind of embarrassed that he had lost control. "I am really sorry." She didn't say a word, but her eyes were closed and her neck exposed to his lips.

"I have to get dressed," Addison said softly. He had soften the embrace of her waist, one arm was still around her. The other one had a mind on its own. His fingers traced the exposed flesh of her breasts, which were not hidden under the lace of the bra. She shivered softly. His erection was not pressing against her but, he tried his best to hide it.

"Let me hold you."

And so she did. She let him hold her. She even let him trail kisses on her shoulder and neck. Derek felt unsure of himself. Within seconds he swirled her around, pressed her against the counter and attacked her lips. Her mouth opened when his tongue begged for entrance. She moaned into his mouth when he pressed his aroused manhood into her belly and pushed them towards the wall, away from the board.

They kissed for what seemed ages; his hands were all over her body and hers where in his hair, holding his head in place.

He had thought about ripping the bra and the trousers off her body and taking her against the wall but he didn't. He had told himself that it was up to her to take the next step, to take another step.

Suddenly a bursting laughter let them brake up.

"God, haven't you had enough of all that last night," Kathleen said and stared at them. Addison quickly took a navy blue t-shirt and shrugged it over.

"Kathleen?"

"What Derek? We heard you all night," she said sarcastically.

"Jealous," Nancy interrupted.

"No, hell no."

"Doesn't sound like the truth sister."

"It is the truth. But I was awake till three in the morning because the headboard was banging against the wall." In this very moment Addison came back into the room, crimson red from head to toe, embarrassed.

"Let's go Kat, let them get a normal skin color again," Nancy said giggling.

They left and Addison sat down on the bed in humiliation. "God," she said with a loud sigh.

"Come on Addie that was funny."

"No it wasn't. It also wasn't funny 15 years ago."

So many years ago his sisters had walked in on them while they were making love. It sounded more harmless now but he knew that Addison had been absolutely humiliated then because she had been on top going down hard on him. Derek had always loved that slightly dominate side in bed of her, a side he couldn't see at the moment.

"Come on Addie, she is jealous."

"Maybe but that doesn't change the POV."

"Why am I not allowed to sleep with my wife?" A couple of ways to say it, like making love, fucking, making my wife come, feel complete but he wasn't able to say it, yet.

He sat down next to her and started kissing her exposed neck, moving to her earlobe, softly biting down. His hand was slat of her stomach and he could see her nipples harden. She didn't push him away, she didn't stood up, she let him torture her. Sweet torture.


	15. Chapter 15

„Derek you need to stop now," Addison said softly, stood up and went towards the hanger with the blouse.

"Why Addison?"

She turned her back towards him first, slowly she turned around, leaning against the wall. "Because … because … Derek that isn't easy. Look at me. I have marks on my neck, a bite mark which hurts like … I cannot describe it Derek. I am sore all over …"

"You liked to be sore afterwards." Derek noticed his wife staring at his feed. "Addison," he said when she didn't answer.

"It's been quite some time and it is not just soreness."

"Why haven't you said something? I don't want to see you in pain." Derek moved towards her, hugging her towards his male chest.

"You did not ask Derek, you did not ask." She said and push herself of his chest and went to the bathroom, he thought it was about putting on makeup.  
Derek went after her, opened the closed door and got her standing in front of the big mirror, mascara in hand.

"Don't play it this way Addison," he said and grabbed her back, turned her around.

"Get off me Derek," she said when he turned and started to press her against the wall. Her hands were above her head, his hands over her wrists.

"Derek," she said angrily.

"Addison," he said with the same angry voice before he started attacking her mouth. In the very beginning her lips were locked but she gave in, her lips slowly opened. The kiss was passionate but aggressive, hot but sweet, long lasting but driving him insane. She pressed her body against his and he met hers, let her feel how much she aroused him, still being without a proper upper garment. Her wrists were locked by one hand now, his other was resting on her hip, drawing small circles, which let her push her pelvic even more into him.  
The kiss never broke, when he fondled with the clasp of her bra which was situated in the front this time. It didn't broke when his hand was caressing her breasts, softly at first, going a little harder some seconds later. He felt her moan into his mouth when he pressed one of his knees between her legs. She made those little noises in the back of her throat he had fallen in love with decades ago, she had always been the only one who made them.

"You could have said a word about being not comfortable with me," he whispered slowly into her ear.

Her breathing was heavy, her hands still above her head. "I didn't want to."

"So don't blame me now," he said and pressed her leg up against her centre. She flinched at the first contact but moaned into his mouth the second afterwards. "You are aroused Addison?"

"I think that it is none of your business." She said between heavy breaths, her eyes half closed, the bra already only tangling from her shoulders. He unbuttoned her trousers, zipped them down and let his free hand brush over her lower belly. Every time his hand touched the softness of her skin she moaned into his already again connected mouth. His hand was gliding into her panties, feeling what he had suspected. She was aroused. More than that. He was glad to have prove now, locked his lips to hers again, and suddenly released her arms, stopped kissing, stepped away to leave the bathroom.

He was aroused, more than that, painfully hard. But he let go off her.

"Derek…?"

He didn't say a word, splashing cold water into his face.

"Derek, don't you fucking leave now."

"Why should I stay?"

"Because … because you … you cannot do things like that and just leave in the middle."

"Things like that?"

"Yes Derek, you cannot touch me down there, make me even wetter and leave in the middle of it."

"You do that all the time."

She stared at him in disbelieve.

"Yes Addison. You run around without a bra at work, at home – what do you think I do?"

"Do?"

"I have to get rid of the ragging hard-on as soon as you leave the room."

"Braless does this thing to you?"

He nodded, not able to say more She pushed the straps of her shoulders, stepped out of her pants within seconds.

"And what does this to you?"

"Don't Addison…." She stood there only in a black laced thing, braless. Her hair tangled down in soft curls, her lips were red and bruised. "God," he thought, "can it get any worse?" She started to lick her lips, stepping out of her trousers and panties. He tried to focus on her eyes, her neck and as soon as his eyes fixed her collar bone they wandered south.

He has had a hard time to focus on anything if she was in the room over the last few weeks. It wasn't always the way she was teasing him but if not, he asked himself why she didn't do it. He wondered what she was wearing underneath, what her skin would taste and feel like.

"What if I tell you that I would like to take you right now?"

"You do?"

"Sure, look at you! God, Addison, you just stepped out of your cloths, your eyes are even more blue than usual, I an already smell that you are wet – what do you think?"

"So why do you talk that much?" She asked and walked towards him.

"What if …," but the sudden banging against the door stopped everything.

"Addison, Addison … we need you … Kathleen."

Derek froze in shock and Addison in contrary grabbed a robe, tied it and walked out. She left the bathroom without saying a word towards him, like some autopilot kicked in.

When he came downstairs he saw his sister laying on the floor in the living room. His mom was in the kitchen with the kids, trying to make them stay there with cookies and hot chocolate.

Addison on the other side of the house worked on Kathleen, talked to her while her hands moved over her body, between her legs.

"What happened?"

"She started having heavy cramps, felt dizzy and then there was some blood, not much, but some," Nancy told him while Addison talked to Kathleen who was white like virgin snow.

"Call an ambulance; we need to make an ultra sound."

Half an hour later they were in the small local hospital and Derek talked to the head of department, so Addison could use the equipment without further discussion. Derek signed a check for the expenses, he didn't want his sister to think about the money because it was an issue for her. He slowly entered the room and Addison was sitting next to Kathleen, holding her hand.

"… you could lose both, you could die Kathleen. The fetus are really different in size, B is much smaller, really a lot. I don't want to scare you but this is really dangerous. If B dies for example, we are talking of a missed abortion, you will not notice it and it could poison you."

"I want a second opinion," Kathleen said and Addison looked at Derek in mistrust.

"Kathleen, honey, believe me one thing, Addie knows what she is talking about."

"I cannot lose them."

"I told you that you have to stay in hospital a few weeks and stay on monitor. You will get an ultra sound every day and they will look at their development."

"You said there was something about the placenta," Kathleen asked again.

"It looks like an early stage of placenta praevia totalis but we cannot be sure about it yet, usually we talk up from the 24th week of a placenta praevia, not before."

"What does this mean?"

Addison started to explain her that this was the fourth stage of placenta praevia and explained again that you usually talk about placenta praevia up from week 24. Her stage would mean that the placenta completely covers the top her cervix, which means even going into labor, could mean extensive, perilous bleedings.

She tried her best, answered all the questions, told her the options about abortion, staying in hospital, the risks of this pregnancy and many other things. Derek just stood there listening. Carolyn arrived and watched them. Derek walked out towards her, gave her the details.  
When Addie walked out of the room, Derek's mother walked in and talked to her daughter. Kathleen was crying, finally. They couldn't hear what they were saying.

"She shouldn't have to make this decision alone."

"I know Addie but that happens if you husband is in the army."

Addison nodded in response, slowly letting her hand glide into his. He never wanted to see any of his sister suffer and this, on December 24th was a lot to handle.

"What would you do," he asked her.

"I don't know."

"Don't lie to me."

"Abortion. Better to survive and not be pregnant but a good mother for the kids I have than to risk my life and not be sure if the pregnancy will go to full term."

Derek nodded, he had thought the same. Kathleen was already a more or less single mom of healthy kids. He wouldn't want her to risk her life.

After lunch time Kathleen asked Addison to come to her room, Derek had to wait outside with Carolyn. "You seem happy," she said to her son.

"I think I am, most of the time."

"You love her?"

"I do, I think."

"Does she know?"

"No." Again a discussion like this, the second in less than two days.

"Sooner or later you will lose her and the kids if you don't tell her."

"She won't leave."

"I am not saying that she will leave you but … Derek, I am your mother, I shouldn't be telling you things like this. If you ask for sexual contact, she will give it to you without complaining because she knows that it is your martial right, she was raised like this. She will probably not say a word, never complain. Bizzy said that she would never blame her husband to be rough," Carolyn was staring at her hands, her face slightly blushed. "Bizzy had not been in love with her husband when they got married but they had kids, they grew together, arranged their lives. It is the way she raised her kids, probably not Archer but Addison. We all knew that she had nannies and things like this but that didn't change the way women get raised. You know I have been different, we always had a base to talk even about the most embarrassing things … okay about things mothers talk with their kids nowadays ... but I was modern, I …"

"I know what you are talking about."

"So Derek, she will offer herself to you eventually, the way she was raised, like her mother and grandmother."

"She never has been like you said when we were married the first time."

"God, Derek, this marriage was different. You were in love when you got married and not like this time a marriage of convenience."

"Convenience," Derek said again.

"Bizzy offered herself to hold her man."

"How do you know?"

"I visited her after she called that she has cancer. We talked about many things. You know that we never came along very well but finally I think, I can understand her better."

Derek couldn't believe her at first. His mother and Bizzy never had been on the same side of anything but she was a forgiving person.

"Bizzy is really sick."

"I know."

"Addison should go and visit her, maybe alone, and figure things out, stay with her through the first chemo circle, even if she refuses."

"I already talked to Addison about it."

"What did she say?"

"She wants to respect her mother's wishes."

"Talk her out of it. She has to go upstairs. There are things unsolved between those two women."

Probably she was sure about it. Addison and her parents always had had an estranged relationship. He was sure that there were many things that had been unsaid and for sure it wasn't a good idea to go up there with the kids because if than everything would be about them and not about Bizzy, her sickness and the relationship between mother and daughter. He would have to talk to Addison about it again, talk her into visiting her mother alone, without him and the kids because it would be for the best and if things wouldn't work out with the therapy, maybe it would be the last time she had the chance to talk to her, see her, be with her.

Derek thought about their first wedding, the argument she has had with her mother on that day. She was again telling her that Derek wasn't the right man, that she should marry someone from her league. Someone with money, a name, the right family. Addison countered that he was the right man for her, she had picked him and he had the right family, the best she could think of. He had been in the room next to the bride, trying to get the tiny pearl buttons done when he heard them fighting. Derek longed to go to the next room, hold her, to dry the tears. Nancy had been there for her after her mother left, she had to repair the broken bride.  
This very night he had told her that he would never leave her, never ever. He held her, loved her, kissed her, gone one with her but the words he said echoed in his head in the very present of sitting in this hospital. He had left her, he had left her alone with the problems they had before she cheated on him. He realized that he had been cheating too, not with a woman but with work, the work he loved too much. He had pushed her into searching for somebody to hold her.  
Maybe leaving hadn't been about her sleeping with another man but sleeping with Mark, his best friend, his brother. Perhaps this had been the reason he left New York, hurt her more and more as soon as she had arrived in Seattle.

Addison left the room. "Derek, she wants to talk to you," his wife said and he walked in towards his sister's sick bed. She asked him about what he would do; think and he tried the best to show her the options without influencing her. He told her to call her husband but she refused, he didn't want another child at all. What more than nodding could he do?

Later the same evening Addison performed the abortion. Derek thought it had been the best decision to make because the others were too risky. Kathleen hadn't been talking about her marriage to him but he knew that she had talked to Addison about it because he had seen her holding her sister in law, touching her back.  
In situations like these even he worst enemy could become the closest friend because maybe this one was the only one who could understand you.

~*~

Christmas is for children, Derek always thought and this time he was right because the air was heavy, the mood darkened. After everything that had happened over the last few days most of the adults weren't in the mood to be happy and joyful but for the kids they were holding it up, acting like nothing could be more perfect.

Nevertheless it was Oliver's and Lilian's first real Christmas and they just had turned one which they had wanted to celebrate together on Christmas day. Addison was trying her best to hold up. Last night she had slept like dead after she did the abortion on Kathleen, Derek didn't touch her again after she had flinched away when he touched her back. She had been dressed in pajamas and was not facing him.  
Derek asked himself what had happened but he knew that many things were running through this gorgeous head. He had wanted to hold her, show her how much he cares but she didn't let him. His mother's words were also running through his head, she would offer herself, she was raised this way.

However shortly after eight in the morning kids were also storming their room to wake them up. Family traditions were asking everybody to be downstairs before opening presents. Addison was silent, tied her robe tightly around her frame, put on warm socks and stepped outside.  
When Derek reached the bottom of the stairs he saw her sitting in the kitchen with Kathleen who was crying. Of course he wanted to know what was going on but he also wanted to give her space and time. Abortions were Addison's special topic, he thought sarcastically for which he wanted to hit himself, and at least she knows what she is talking about personally.

Soft piano tones were filling the living room. Carolyn had put up the tree last night while Kathleen, Addison and Derek had still been in hospital. It was the first time in a long that he hadn't been working on a tree himself.  
He knew that Addison's favorite time had always been Christmas, she loved the farm colors, the decorations, the cookies and of course the presents – Addison loved surprises. He begged that he had found the right one this year.

He heard steps behind him, he turned around and saw his wife standing in the door frame, her hair not yet in perfect order but brushed, her lips trying to smile, her eyes reddened. Derek couldn't let her stand here like this; he walked towards her and pulled her into a tight hug.  
Addison didn't say a word, she was good yelling at him, screaming, even throwing things but when she was crying she wasn't about to talk. He just held her for some time till they heard their kids babbling while they were carried downstairs. As soon as they were in sight, her face lightened up. Lilian screamed for her mama in joyful happiness and Addison took her on her hip. The little girl, still dressed in her pajamas, placed wet sloppy kisses all over Addison's face and she had to laugh about her daughter.

A short time later they were all situated around the tree, the eyes of the children happily longing to open one or the other present.

Addison was on the floor, Lilian between her legs, Oliver standing, hugging his mother tightly, still sobbing because one of his cousins had taken a truck away from him. He watched this magical situation, Addison Forbes Montgomery nowadays Shepherd again hugging and taking care of her very own one year old, which was still crying against her shoulder. This picture was new and unique, a year ago he would never have thought he would be in a situation like this – not a father, not married to Addison again, not celebrating Christmas with his family. His plans would eventually involve work on Christmas Day because Meredith never cared about holidays a lot, it has always been Izzy. Eventually it would have involved some nice dinner but that's it.

Sitting there, he watched his Addison with the kids. He knew that there was a lot of talking to do, still, about the past, events he couldn't forget. The easiest way would be to read her diaries, go through her thoughts but this was intruding her privacy. She already gave him kind of a chance every day to read her actual notes because she didn't are to put the leather diary away. But he never did it yet, he isn't able to because he is afraid of what could be put to words.

Time went by and everybody started to unwrap presents. They had picked a crème cashmere pullover and pearl earrings for Carolyn. She went to change into it, smiled a lot. The kids unwrapped their new toys, Playmobile, Lego, dolls – everything a kid could dream of.

Nancy handed Addison a small gift. She didn't say who gave it to her, there was no card. Oliver now playing with his new train. She slowly unlaced it, started to pick the paper. It was a jewelry box. She slowly opened it, Derek tried to read her face but she didn't look up. He had unwrapped two books from his mother about parenting. He thanked her.

He asked Kathleen if she would know who has given this one to her but she only shrugged her shoulders. Nancy didn't know it either. Addison opened the box and there was a charm bracelet in it and a small note. Addison read it, closed the box immediately and started on another present – books.

Derek had spend quite some thoughts on her gift, it hadn't been easy because jewelry has been his gift for the last years of their first marriage – pick something expensive and Addison will like it, that had been his motto for ages. This time he had given it more, tried to put more into it but it had been hard. What do you want to give to a person who has everything? At least everything he could give. He had picked a ring, something special.

Derek grabbed the box from under the tree and handed it to her. He sat down next to her on the floor, put an arm around her shoulders and wanted to whisper something in her hear but he couldn't because he was not able to find the right words.

She unwrapped the gift and slowly opened the box. The moment she realized what was in it, she stared at Derek. He had the jeweler made a duplicate of their first engagement ring. Derek wanted to slowly put it on her finger, very slowly.

A soft smile was dancing on her lips the moment he took it out of the box and took her hand in his. Slowly he put it on. It was sparkling, beautiful. He got something engraved "Forever yours" but it had to be another time for her to find it out. Addison whispered a soft "thank you" before she placed a kiss on his cheek. His cheek.

Lilian grabbed one of her cousin's gifts and got into a fight because they knew that it wasn't hers. She started screaming for her mommy and Addison got her, crawling towards her, picking up a gift box she handed Derek while calming her baby girl.

Under the tightly wrapped dark red paper and the golden lace was an antique wooden box, without having the slightest idea what could be in it, he opened it slowly, very slowly and there was dark blue tissue paper, it was delicate and pushing it away he found an old pocket watch. Derek looked at Addison. He placed the box in his lap and took the watch out. It was antique, he had already noticed, he opened it. There was an engraving – "For Eternity –A." in Addison's unique handwriting.

"It is beautiful."

"It was my grandfather's."

"Thank you Addison, it is amazing."

Ages ago he admired the watch her grandmother had given to her because Addison was so much like her grandfather, she always said. The general had died years before Addison was born, even before her parents got married, some weeks before. The crimson hair had been his heritage. Also the blue eyes which could change in color.  
Derek had never thought that she would ever give this special little memory to him, he had even forgotten about it. And now it was his. He couldn't stop his hands anymore, his index finger softly pressed against the side of her chin, moving her face towards him. Her eyes were shy, insecure when his lips moved towards hers, their eyes open. Derek could feel her heavier breathing against his face, could see the slightly open lips and in this very moment the world stopped turning. His lips touched hers, softly, caring, passionate. They even forgot about the family surrounding them. His tongue didn't need to ask for entrance because Addison's was already there, waiting for his, slowly touching his upper lip. Seconds seem to become hours, days – forgetting time. Up to the very moment when a sudden "God, get a room" made them part. Addison blushed, Derek smiled, had to chuckle tenderly. Their life seemed perfect – to those who only watched.

~*~

Two days later it had been time to leave again, their flights booked, their stuff packed. Addison even got Kathleen into visiting a therapist to come with her decision, her loss and he heard her saying that even marriage counseling should be discussed because things eventually won't be easy after her being in Iraq.

The kids had been spoiled with gifts. Their suitcases were filled with happy memories of their first Christmas as a family. But reality was kicking back in as soon as the plane touched Seattle airport. Lilian and Oliver were overly tired and hadn't slept on the plane; Addison was all moody – time for her period?

During the early years of their marriage, he could tell the stage of her cycle by her mood swings and eating habits. Things changed. He hadn't noticed anything since they were spending their lives together again. One of the things he mentally had scribbled down onto his mental notepad.

They hadn't had any more sex at his mother's house after the encounter in the bathroom. Derek hadn't asked for it at all, he hadn't pushed her. He wanted her to come even knowing that this meant offering again and it felt wrong to him. She let him hold her at night, even after the call of her father, that Bizzy would start chemo therapy earlier, not waiting till after New Year because the surgery, which she hadn't known about, had been less successful than the doctors had hoped.

Finally at home, Addison put the twins to bed. They slept within seconds, without further convictions. She was tired, in a bad mood, suffering from lack of sleep, healthy food and the fact that her mother was not doing well.

Derek walked to her bathroom and started a bath, put some lavender oil into the hot water and put some Tchaikovsky piano concert, her favorite, into the CD player. He couldn't remember the number ever, only knowing that it was composed in B-flat minor.  
The moment he walked back into her bedroom, she was sitting on the floor, legs pulled against her chest, back against the bed. He remembered those moments. There never have been the right words. Never ever.  
Softly he pulled her up against him and together they walked to the bathroom, he softly unbuttoned her cardigan and trousers, touched her delicate skin and let herself finish undressing before she slipped into the hot water.  
In moments like this she needed time alone. So he left her. Before walking out he once again turned around, observing her face again – hair pulled into a lose knot, eyes closed, lips parted, hands resting on the flat of her belly, just beneath her breasts. Without making any noise he closed the door and left for the study.  
There was only one way to solve her suffering – he had to get her on a plane back to her parents, make her talk to her mother, solve things out as long as it was still possible and make them talk. Let Addison be there for her.

Within twenty minutes he had talked to his father in law, the head of the cancer department in New York and booked Addison a flight for the next morning. He talked to the nanny to come in early the next day and to Richard that he would probably need another day of, mentioning Bizzy's conditions.

Finishing the last call he already heard footsteps coming downstairs. Her hair was still wet and she was only wearing a thick robe and warm socks which had been a present from one of his sisters. When he saw her entering the study he already knew that she knew what he had done.

"Derek …"

"Don't say anything Addison, you need to see her."

"I know but I am not sure if I can …"

"We both know that you can, you are strong."

"But the twins… you … I mean …"

"I already talked to Margaret, there is no problem."

She nodded and he offered her to sit in his lap, lean against him. Derek didn't think that she would take it but she did, she sat down, pressed her face against the warmth of his chest – not crying, just being held.

At night they shared a bed, her body tightly against his, his arms slung around her form, holding her warm.

Things had changed, he didn't know how but they were different. Very different. In the beginning, after Addison had fallen asleep, he thought that they had changed because of their new form of intimacy but this was untrue. Not the sex had changed them, it never had. Maybe they started to accept each other, the changed they went through over the years they hadn't spent together? He couldn't answer his own question. After hours of thinking about her, the way her body fit so perfectly against his – without a single sexual notion – he felt asleep to be woken up two hours later by the alarm clock.


	16. Chapter 16

The fifth day she was gone, Derek started to think that there was no way he could do this job, being a father, any longer on his own. The nights had been sleepless, not only that he had given his bedroom to Margaret to let the elderly lady sleep comfortable but also himself in Addison's bed, in Addison's sheets, smelling Addison's cent – he was about to turn insane.

Only one call had arrived during those days of emptiness. Margaret had been a lot of fun in the evening, telling him about her youth, her family and everything, she had to try to get his mind off Addison but it didn't work well.

On the sixth day somebody was ringing the bell in the front. Margaret opened because he was working on an article for a medical magazine.

"Dr. Shepherd, there is a young lady who wants to talk to you."

"Send her in," had been his only reply before he saw Meredith walking towards him.

"What do you want?"

"Hi you," she said softly, leaning against the wood of the frame.

"Spill it."

"I think I am pregnant."

Suddenly he looked up from the keyboard and towards the colorless hair, at least it seemed to be colorless in contrary to the redhead who was usually standing in the door way.

"And?"

"Well, Derek … remember …"

"I do remember using a condom Meredith."

"Well, it seems ..."

"Don't give me this shit, Meredith. I am not the father so leave."

"So you want it the hard way. Okay," She said, turned around and left. He already knew that sooner or later all the nurses would know, a second later it would be spread all over the hospital and one day it would reach Addison.

He remembered clearly that he had used a condom, this very last night in this house, he was one hundred percent but everybody knew that condoms alone weren't the most effect thing to prevent pregnancy.

Derek would have to talk to Addison the next time she called but on the other hand it wasn't the right moment. The captain had called last night that things went downhill rapidly with Bizzy. She had gotten an infection and pneumonia after surgery. He told him that Addison was sitting on her sick bed day and night, holding her hand. He longed to sit next to her, hold her when her mother was asleep, brush away the tears but she didn't want him to come. She had been very clear on the phone the one time she called, the one time he offered to come. She told him that she didn't need a savior.

~*~

Within two days the hospital knew about Meredith's pregnancy. Mark already had made some jokes in his presence about him being the father. Derek couldn't laugh.

~*~

_January 10_

_She started to refuse any medication and any medical help to stable her life, to give her some more time. I do not know what to say, to think, to do anymore. We talked but I do not feel any closer. I did my best, hoped that things would change but they didn't. I am the good daughter who came to rescue, as my dad's friend Captain O'Neill said, but there was nobody who wanted to be rescued. One, morphine drunken, she said that she wants to die, that she doesn't want to live this life of lies anymore. _

_Day and night I am sitting next to her, holding her hand, telling her to change her decision, to let me help her but she refuses. She wants to go and I have to let go. Nevertheless she is my mother, the only one I will ever have. _

_Closeness has never been an issue for us but we are now closer than we have ever been before. She let me take care of her, wash her, hold her when she feels sick, help her drink but refuses every way of taking medication. _

_When she visited me in Seattle she was full of power and strength but the women in bed in front of me, doesn't have any of these. She is empty. She has given up. She has signed her last will. She even told dad that he was the man of her dreams, but we all know that she has never loved him._

_She gets weaker by the minute. I wished Derek was here to hold me but with the twins it is impossibility. _

_~*~_

On January 11th Bizzy died, the funeral had taken place two days later and Addison announced her return for the 14th.

~*~

_January 14_

_Sitting here on my bed, still all in black I think about the past and the future. I want to be the best mother Lillian and Oliver can think of, never push them away, never send them to boarding schools or foreign Universities if they do not want to go. And never press them into a profession. _

_When I was small I wanted to be a dancer, I did very well in ballet class but Bizzy said that this is no job for a Forbes Montgomery – so up from the age of 11 they raised me to become a doctor. I love my job, nobody should get me wrong, I adore it but sometimes I think that my life would have been easier living from a trust found swirling over the stages of the world. I could have done it. _

_But I would never have met Derek and never would have lost him. I would never have met Naomi and I would never have returned to raise kids of a couple I would have never met, if I wouldn't have joined med school. _

_I have to be thankful of what I have. Not ask for more. Not for less.  
I have to grow further into the role of a mother, spend more time with them.  
I have to adjust better into the role of a wife again. I have to offer him myself more often because he wouldn't take it unasked. _

_Maybe one day I can tell him again that I love him but I do not want to be the only one, like dad on the grave side. The moment he threw the earth down onto Bizzy's coffin he muttered the three so special words. I think it was the first time I heard him saying those. But it was too late. _

_Standing there, watching her coffin sink into the family grave made me realize that I do not have all the time on earth. I have to adjust and not fight what the future might bring. I signed the papers, because I wanted to get the chance to be a mother because I couldn't give them away, so make this headstrong Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd develop a soft side, a caring motherly one. Please. _

_~*~_

Derek had thought about a million ways to tell Addison that Meredith is pregnant, him eventually being the father of this unborn but he couldn't come up with the right words.

~*~

Callie picked her up from the airport because he had been called to an emergency surgery to reduce pressure of the brain of a 4 year old.

The moment he unlocked the door, he could already hear Callie from the kitchen, laughing and a soft giggling which belonged to Lilian. He walked towards the sound, realizing that Addison was not with them.

"She is upstairs," Margaret said, enjoying her tea with the raven haired woman.

Millions things went through Derek's head climbing upstairs. She was sitting on her bed, papers in hand. She didn't look up. Addison looked pale, as he estimated.

"You do not have to explain it, Derek," she only said when she got off the bed, walked towards him, pushed the papers against his chest and left the room.  
They were printouts of emails. He was still standing in her room, papers now in his hand and he started to read what she had pushed against him.

"Addison,

I only wanted to let you know that I am pregnant. It happened the first week of November, which gives me some over two months. Derek is the baby's father.

M."

He stood there, staring at the printouts in disbelieve. How could she this to his marriage?  
Before he was able to storm downstairs he realized that Meredith had written her the email before she even told him, knowing that he would have to deal with it later, knowing that he would not want to be the father of her child, knowing that he wasn't interested anymore.

But storming was the wrong word, storming would intent yelling downstairs, screaming and fighting but he was not up to it. He was sorry for what happened and still sure that he would not be the father at all.

"Addison, study, now," he said as soon as he noticed her in the kitchen, pouring some tea. Without complaining she followed him, he closed all the doors.

"No yelling," he asked unsure.

"No, what for?"

"You are angry."

"No, I am not angry."

"You are furious."

"No, Derek, you don't get it, I am not furious either, maybe I am disappointed."

He looked at her unsure if this was true or not. Why only disappointed? She had every right to attack him with the paper knife but his wife was only drinking tea.

"Disappointed?"

"Yeah, I hoped that if something like this ever happens I would hear it from you personally," with these words she turned around and left the room.

The next days have been rather calm. It wasn't like Addison wasn't talking to him but she was more silent, like before Christmas. She took care of the kids, loving and caring as always but putting more distance between them in their house.  
It wasn't as Derek wouldn't understand. He just had been told that he made a baby with another woman, his affair, a baby he wanted to have with Addison. A pregnancy which meant to be Addie's.

"Good morning, Bailey," he said after entering the hospital.

"What have you done to my neonatologist?" Derek looked at her, questioning her. "She isn't herself."

"Her mother died a few days ago."

"That's not it because she told me about it."

Derek took a deep breath, stepping into the elevator with Bailey. "Meredith …"

"No, no, no …," she said and shook her head in disbelieve.

"I didn't say anything. Anything Bailey, Meredith sent her an email before she even told me."

The black doctor turned around, even being that small; she hit Derek with her fists. "You are such an ass. You have a gorgeous redhead at home and you go around sleeping with interns?" And again she hit him.

"Stop, Bailey."

But she was right. He had an amazing wife at home and he couldn't stop blaming her for so many things in the past that he slept with Meredith. In the beginning he didn't want things to work out, he didn't work on it. He wanted Addison to make the first step but she never did in situations like this and in the end she more or less did, she made him join her in the Jacuzzi but it was already too late then.

"She kicked nurses out of her OR today."

"Okay, we are up to this again. I will talk to her."

"Callie said that you probably are the last person she wants to talk to."

"Who is the right one?"

"Dunno, none of my problems Shepherd."

"Thanks for telling me Bailey."

Derek stood at the nurse desk watching the situation. Everybody seemed to be busy. Seconds later he got an emergency call from the ER and went into surgery for the next six hours. Sometimes he asked himself if there were also short surgeries nowadays or only five hours and longer. It was tiring after spending an hour with Lillian during night, her cuddled up against his chest.

When he left the OR, had talked to the family and did the paperwork on this patient he went looking for Addison but she had already left. She wasn't at home, when he did not reach the house, nor has she been there already. He called her, left three million messages on her voice mail but no reply. He knew that she would never leave the kids but he learned today that maybe she would leave him. She could leave him and still be there, still live with him but be miles away. He has had that before; in New York at least it felt this way to him.

It was shortly before midnight when he heard the front door open.

"Addison," he said and walked up to her.

She put her coat on the hanger, kicked her shoes off and walked towards the kitchen, not talking to him.

"Addison," he said again more forcefully and walked up behind her. "You have to talk to me."

"I don't know what you want to talk about."

"You know too well."

"Derek, there is nothing to talk about. She is pregnant with your child. I cannot give you children so it is time to see the point, turn your back on me and move on."

"I will never turn away from you."

"You already did Derek, you made …"

"I didn't. I do not know how to make you understand that I doubt that this is my baby. Yes, we had an affair while we two were married but you knew about it."

"Knowing about it makes things better? Derek, it probably happened this one time here in our house? In your living room, so leave me alone on this," she poured herself some tea and left with the bug for the bedroom.

Derek walked after her. He was so typical of Addison to have the last argument in a fight. When he walked in, she was about to unzip her top and had already opened her trousers to get undressed for sleeping.

"Meredith and I were engaged."

"But this is our house Derek, ours. This is about respect and loyalty. I never said a word about you fucking around with her, not a single word BUT why in our living room? Isn't there still the trailer, thousands of hotels, her house?"

Only wearing underwear she walked towards the bathroom and started washing off makeup.

"I know that it had been a mistake Addie but I cannot turn back time because believe me, if I could I would."

She didn't reply. He watched her brush her hair, put on night cream, brush her teeth and walk towards her bed.

"Talk to me, Addison."

She unclasped her bra, stepped out of her panties and changed into a silk camisole and panties. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to congratulate you?"

"I want you to believe me that this isn't my child."

"Derek she is pregnant and said that you are the only possibility."

"Don't believe her."

She sat down and hugged her legs against her chest. Derek slowly stepped out of his cloths and sat down, in boxer shorts, next to her. After some resistance in the beginning she let him pull her into a hug.

"Believe me Addison."

She didn't reply nor did she push him away but he could feel the coldness, the pain and her suffering. He never meant it to happen. He never wanted to see her in this kind of pain. More than once he had his calendar in hand, calculating, thinking. This one time in the living room had been the first things in weeks, so there was a possibility; it could be his if she hasn't slept before or afterwards with another man.

First he let his nose wander into her hair, smell this unique scent, placing soft kisses onto her neck. These areas were sensitive, he knew. Her back was pressed against his chest, one of his arms under her head, the other slung over her hips. Slowly he pressed one of his legs between her, moving them apart. He thought that he might have heard a soft whimper.  
He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for her loss and this was not about Meredith now but her. His whole world was turning around her. If he could, he would take a rubber and erase Meredith, he would. Erase the present with her and the past, make her gone. Unfortunately he didn't own such a rubber.

"I am sorry about Bizzy," he said softly, hugging her tightly against his chest. And suddenly he heard a deep breath intake, felt her shudder against him and finally he heard and felt her crying. She wasn't hiding anymore. Her mother just died and knowing her, she had cried very little, only when there was nobody around, always playing the strong one if it comes to her family. She was breaking apart.

The tears didn't stop the whole night. In the morning he called in to tell Richard they need a day off, in the beginning Addison refused, she wanted to go to work but Derek made her stay, telling her to spend time with the kids, with him. The kids had missed her, asked for her and they deserved to be spoiled. Without further arguments she agreed.

Later the morning she had fallen asleep, in complete exhaustion, on the floor, on the twin's playing area. Derek got a blanket, knelt down and put it around her, kissing her on the nose. He tried hard to get the twins to let go of their mother but they didn't. One second he went to Margaret, who cooking lunch in the kitchen, Lillian had crawled under the blanket, pressed her small body against her mother's and was asleep now too. Oliver on the other was still leaning against Addison's back with his small toddler legs, watching his mother and sister sleep. As soon as somebody tried to carry him away he started whining, so Derek had to wait with lunch for Addison to wake up again. It would have been a lie if somebody would say that this wasn't a magical moment. The twins had bonded with Addison so well that the time she wasn't there had eventually been the most horrible one since September for them. They hadn't been sleeping well at night, sometimes refused to eat and putting them down at night had turned into a burden for Derek and Margaret.  
Of course Derek had his camera and took photos of the three, the magical moment and his beautiful wife, absolutely relaxed, sleeping.

~*~

"Why didn't you wake me up, Derek? My back is killing me," she tried to argue, Lillian on her hip, Oliver holding her hand more than an hour later when she walked into the kitchen but there was no Derek in sight.

"He couldn't, Mrs. Shepherd, he couldn't," Margaret replied. "He stood there for over 10 minutes arguing with himself but you looked so cute and Lillian and was finally next to you. I asked him to let you sleep. You deserved it."

Both didn't see Derek standing in the doorway watching both women talk.

"Look at you cutie," Margaret said to Lillian, "you look hungry to me. Today we have carrots, potatoes and chicken for you, sweetie," with those words she took her from Addison's hip and placed her into a high chair, Addison did the same with Oliver before she held her back in pain. Derek heard a soft moan.

"There are all my favorite women," Derek said and entered officially the room, placed a kiss on Addison's cheek before kissing Lillian and Margaret – Oliver just giggled.

"Mommy," Lillian said with a huge smile, showing off her teeth.

"I am here honey, I am here," she said and started to feed the little girl.  
The following two days Lillian wouldn't go anywhere without her mother. Addison wanted to leave for work but with a toddler clued to your hip it was kind of impossible. She tried everything but as soon as Addison was out of side, Lillian started to cry, scream, toss her little around up and scream for mommy.

On the third day Addison left before Lillian woke up – a made up plan the night before. Derek had talked her into it, seeing her broken heart in her beautiful blue eyes. She had let him stay with her the last few nights but cut him out, he noticed. He was allowed to hold her but not to kiss her, taste her skin, make her feel good. And he wasn't even thinking of sex, passion, the need to feel her around him.

The following week Derek was gone most of the time because of a very complicated case of Siamese twins, working late, sleeping at the hospital. He had called her, every single evening during this week, assured her that there was nobody else, and she never asked for it. Sometimes it seemed to him that his "new" wife, his "new" Addison never asked for anything, except one think – don't sleep with other woman in our house. Was this all she asked for?

Those lonely nights on the couch in his office, door locked, made him think about his marriage, the feelings he had for her and the relationship towards the kids. He realized that they had bond with her very well but he was always kind of absent for them. He worked late hours if asked for, rarely took days off.  
She had changed. Her schedule was very light; she was only on call for real emergencies. Alex Karev hated her in the beginning for bringing him back onto the vaginal-unit but he had a talent, and Izzie was the perfect pediatric. Of course there were screaming fights and huge arguments between those two young doctors and Addison but in the end they worked perfectly fine as a team. Even Alex, who never wanted to go back working with her, after their passionate lovemaking session in one of the on call rooms,. He knew about it, of course, she had told him once, during a night of drinking too much wine. And honestly said, since this day he looked differently at this young man – it wasn't like Addison slept around, she was picky. And she had chosen him over all the other male doctors in the department.

In contrary to the public opinion, she hadn't been sleeping around. He once had asked her how many men she has had and he was always about to remember the look in his eyes. Her answer came quickly, without lots of thinking and counting – she said five and he had been her first, he knew it. He also longed to be the last one.

He tried to be a good husband and even a better father but sometimes he got the feeling that they were drifting apart more and more, she spend more and more time with the kids, now that they were really started talking and he was more and more at work.  
Once he came home and her bedroom door had been closed, an unsaid sign not to join her and those appeared more and more often. Maybe he started to close himself out, afraid of the paternity test results.

Derek called her Friday around seven at night that he was on the way home, asked her about take out and she just said she cooked; there would be leftovers in the fridge. In this very moment he realized that his marriage was going downhill the same way it did in New York but this time there were kids involved.

He had called Richard to tell him that he would take the next week off and asked for Addison too. He had to work things out before risking another fall apart.

On his way home he argued with himself a lot, he wanted to show that he cared and that he wants to work things out. He picked up roses. Entering the house he was hiding them behind his back, put as soon as Oliver noticed him, the little boy got up and toddled towards him in joy. Pulling him up, he had to show the roses. Addison entered the hall and looked somehow stunned at him. He wondered that the kids were still but on the other side they were in their night wear.

"I thought you want to see them before they go to bed."

"Thanks, I really love to." He said and walked towards her. "Those are for you."

Addison blushed slightly. "Thanks … why?"

"Because I owe you so much."

"No Derek, you owe me nothing."

"Can I put them down?"

"Sure, give it a try. I will warm up your dinner," she said and wanted to turn around and head out but he stopped her. Softly he placed a kiss on her lips. Addison's mouth was soft, he could feel some lip gloss.

Her eyes were questioning when they pulled apart. A smile was dancing on his lips. He loved situations like this.

"Lillian do you think mommy wants to join us, reading a story?"

"Mommy," she only said happily and nodded.

"But I thought you wanted dinner," she said and pulled Oliver up.

"Dinner can wait, Addie."

Together they walked upstairs. In the beginning they didn't want to go to bed, protested as soon as they saw the tooth brush. "Honey we need to brush your teeth," Addison muttered to Oliver.

"Maybe we should try another brand?"

"They haven't been like this when you were …"

She nodded, "They haven't been that kind of the tooth brush before either but things changes quickly at that age. One day they like carrots the next they are the enemy. You have to get used to it Derek."

Soon both were settled in their small beds and Addison was sitting on the floor between the beds, Derek joined them.

"What are you reading?"

"We started on Peter Rabbit," she replied and pulled the book out of the shelf. "Do you want to read?"

Derek started to read the story, kissed them goodnight and closed the door soon after. Addison had left a few minutes prior to prepare his meal. As he joined her in the kitchen, she had already started on some hot tea.

"How has your day been?"

"Nothing special I guess. What about yours Derek?"

"Complicated surgery. Addison, I want to go away with you and the kids, spend some days off."

Suddenly blue eyes were staring at him in surprise.

"I feel like I am missing something, not only with the kids but also us."

"I am here."

"Since you are back, since Meredith … you know … I feel like… I don't know how to say it."

"Spill it."

"I don't want the pregnancy to change anything."

"Derek, you deserve to get the full pregnancy package."

"I don't want it with her."

"It is your only chance."

"No it isn't and I do not want it, I really do not want it."

"Even saying it now, you will probably hate yourself later."

He stood up and walked around the kitchen. "Addison, I do not want to be the father and I do not care about the baby. Yes, we had sex, once in a long. I didn't want it in the beginning but it happened, I cheated. I feel bad about it but I cannot change it anymore. I still doubt that this baby is mine, it cannot be."

A/N: Sorry that I kept you waiting but I have been busy with real life. Being an adult also brings lots of work, especially if you are a teacher ;)

Thanks again to sararamirezfan1 for the beta – love you!


	17. Chapter 17

"We could go to Los Angeles, visiting Naomi and Sam," Derek optioned.

"No, I do not want to go back there yet."

"Why," Derek wondered about her reply because he had thought that he wanted to visit her best friend.

"Not your business Derek, I just don't want to go there."

"Any other ideas?"

"Not New York and not the Hamptons."

"What about sun, beach and sea? What about going to St. Thomas again."

She nodded. He could see that she wasn't happy about going away at all.

"You can pick the location Addie, just look through the net and tell me what you want or book it and surprise me."

He ate dinner in silence while TV was running. It wasn't like they were watching a lot of TV but sometimes, once a week, he noticed that Addison was hooked up on some tv shows, her excuse had been that it was light entertainment, this time it was a movie, nothing new. He didn't know it. After putting his dishes in the dishwasher he joined her on the sofa with a mug of tea.

"What is it about?"

"Theater business during the second world war in Paris."

"I know that face, who is she?"

"Catherine Deneuve, you may know her, there are some of her movies on DVD on the top shelf of the library."

"Deneuve … oh … yeah .. I remember … "

Honestly said he didn't. He remembered the face somehow but he couldn't give the face a movie, a clip or even a special scene. Addison always has had a thing for movies, black and white and the French ones. He accepted but rarely shared. The black and white ones were okay with him, easy message but the French ones? They wanted to make people think and for him watching a movie was relaxing. In contrary to Addison who always liked European stuff, played with the idea – at least in her youth – to go there for a longer visit, staying somewhere.

"You don't."

He wanted to smile but lying at first wasn't allowed to make him smile in the end.

"Did you check some locations?"

"Yeah I did. I think St. Thomas sounds good to me."

"You do not want to go."

"Derek I think that it isn't the right moment but since you already told Richard that we are in holiday for a week, we should leave this rainy city."

Eventually it wasn't the right moment like she said, maybe they should talk about the pregnancy which was standing between them but what was to talk about? He asked himself what he could do to please her, what he could do to make her feel comfortable again but he couldn't think of anything that would work.

Going away would maybe get them together again; maybe made them talk sooner or later.

"I will make myself another mug of tea, do you also want some?"

"Yeah, thanks."

She left for the kitchen and she heard her talk later on, knew she was on the phone. He wanted, of course, know who she was talking too but he wasn't to know, not this time. About twenty minutes later she was back and she asked him about the storyline of the movie and he couldn't tell because his mind had been elsewhere.

Quickly she excused herself and headed to bed. She had remained silent that night. There were times Derek was bugged by the idea that Meredith's baby could be his, knowing the troubles he would get into – not problems other people could see but troubles he put himself into at home. He never wanted this to happen, never ever.

It was already drawing them apart and the baby wasn't yet born but as soon as it would be, they would estrange.

He found himself standing beside her bed for nearly an hour, watching his wife sleep. She looked so calm, content maybe even happy. Her mouth was slightly open, those pink thin lips. Her hair mussed up all over the pillow. He would see dark blue straps on her shoulders, her cleavage was slightly exposed but most of it hidden by blue cotton, no lace this time.

~*~

_January 22_

_It would be a lie to say that St. Thomas is not one of my favorite locations in the world – the sea, the sand and the sun. But even this can be ruined if things aren't perfect at home, far away from perfect to be honest. We are only pushing the topic ahead from us not solving it because it can't be solved._

_Oliver and Lilly love the water and they are splashing around happily with their swimmies and floating tires. They are so cute in their mini bath suits._

_Inside I cannot calm down. I am softly dying, telling myself, that I can survive it. I can survive losing him to Meredith's baby because this unborn child has the right to have a father. And he probably is the father. I do not know Meredith very well but I doubt that she is sleeping around. I have seen no ultra sound or anything yet to confirm the conception date and eventually I never will. I have to except it.  
And Derek really thinks that going away with him makes things easier for me, between us. He searches for closeness but I cannot give it to him. It is not like I didn't like the sex, the passion and everything connected but somehow … I cannot. And seeing him in his trunks all day long, having fun with the kids, laughing, giggling – doesn't make anything any better.  
Sitting in the low water today and he pulled me into his lap, coming up suddenly behind me nearly brought me into real troubles because I couldn't resist the touches. Of course I get aroused easily around him but the magical thing is to resist, concentrating on unpleasant things like politics. It seems like I get myself more often lately. His touches send electric shocks through my body and made me feel like a teenager and it makes it harder to resist.  
When he pulled me into him today I could feel him hard against my back – my brain didn't even start working when my body reacted. No politics possible. Because before I was able to think of it, his hands were already under my bikini top and if Oliver wouldn't have started to scream I wouldn't know where things would have ended.  
And now the kids in bed, and we shared a wonderful dinner, things aren't any easier. We share a bed and I have already to tell myself that I need to think of politics as soon as he enters the room or fall asleep before. On the other side my body longs for the touches of a man, of my husband. He knows to push the right buttons, knows where to touch and how – it manipulates me from time to time._

_~*~_

"Are you already asleep," Derek asked when he left the bathroom only clad in a towel.

"Nope, just reading," was coming from the bed. She had her back turned to the bathroom door. It was still hot, humid.

"What are you reading Addie?"

"Just a novel, nothing important." Which meant to Derek, not to ask any further questions around it.

She didn't say a word when he moved under the sheets naked.  
Once today he had her pressed against his body, feeling her shudder under his touch, her breathing quicken. Seeing her all day in just a tiny bikini didn't help. More than once he got the idea that going skiing would have been a better idea. Especially in this very moment when she turned on her belly, the kids both asleep in the shadow of a palm, and unleashed the string of her bikini. He remembered summers in Italy where she had walked without a top over the beach because it had been common there but nowadays, not even sitting in the sun, she showed him the breast, he longed to touch.

Addison was still reading, at least he had the impression. Softly he shifted towards her, let his fingers softly wander over the exposed shoulder. He could see her eyes closing as his fingers traced over her neck and back again, still playing the reader. But when he started to kiss and nip at her shoulder she closed the novel, not yet turning around. His hand drift over her clad chest towards her belly. Here eyes were closed and he could feel her unwanted body response. He could watch her breast from his position, how hey tightened under his feather light brushes and how her mouth slowly opened. "God, isn't that woman sexy," he thought before making her role on her back.

"Do you really want this," she asked with her eyes still closed.

"I wouldn't start it if I didn't. Do you want?"

First of all there was no answer, no word said. "Do you want," he asked again and there was only a soft "okay," coming from Addison's mouth.

Derek's hand stopped in this very second. "It's okay?"

Her eyes opened and she was staring at him, her pupille dilated.

"What do you want me to say," she asked and sat up about to remove her top.

"I do not know what I want to hear but okay is the wrong answer."

"Sorry," she said, pulled the sheet up to her breasts and put on this look of an innocent fourteen year old school girl, the one he couldn't resist. Was she about to seduce him?

"God, Addison, what are you doing?"

"I thought you wanted to have sex," she said, her voice deeper than usually.

He leaned over and kissed her but he couldn't forget what she said, the simple "okay" like it would be nothing special to her and maybe it wasn't but he hoped that at least, she would have some fun and be satisfied. Addison unsatisfied after boring sex was the most horrible thing he could think of. He remembered having sex in the trailer, boring sex and this didn't work out well in the end, of course because he didn't try to work things out in the first place and because he screwed Meredith at the prom. And he screwed her again and probably got her pregnant. Perfect!

In the beginning the kiss was rather innocent, lips touching, hot breathing but the moment his tongue started to trace the outline of her lips and the first moan escaped her mouth, he knew, that he was doing the right thing.  
Her responded couldn't be analyzed wrong. He was already naked and her body was warm under him. They rolled from one end of the bed to the other one, kissing, nipping, feeling each other. Derek knew what he wanted, he knew what he wanted to make to her and so he started to trail kisses from her lips, down her neck, over her – in his opinion – perfect breasts with those rosy buds, to her always flat stomach. She wasn't the six pack type, not even much trained but toned – elegant. He licked her belly button, placed butterfly kisses on her hips bones and trailed down her left thigh, softly, teasing her. She spread her legs even further, welcomed him and he had a hard time resisting but he did. He wanted to make it special, better than before, finally. Some time he reached her toes, sucked on those perfectly pedicured nails and kissed his way up and down the other leg. She was moaning, her body was moving under him, begging for more and not just her body did so.

"Derek, please …"

For a moment he stopped his kisses and asked, "What do you want me to do?"

"Stop teasing me."

He stopped with his kisses, holding his body still over hers, not even touching.

"That wasn't what I meant."

"So," he asked, his voice low, seductive. "What did you mean?"

"I want you to …" But she wasn't able to finish the sentence when his lips and tongue met her most sensitive area.

He never liked performing oral sex a lot but with Addison it was different. She was always clean shaved, waxed or something like this, depended on her mood but there was no hair. He liked his women this way, but this was the wrong thought – he liked Addison this way.  
In all those years of marriage he could count the oral sex he performed on both of his hands, in contrary to her. He loved receiving but never asked if she liked to do it. But things were different now. He knew that he would have to prepare her for the intercourse because he last time he could see he pain in her eyes when he entered. Years ago it was a shoot for his ego, his male size but nowadays he knew that he was big in this way and that not every woman dealt well with it. She never said a word, Addison never complained but he wanted to see her writhe under him in arousement and not in pain, at least not this kind of it.

Softly he let one finger enter her and she bucked her hips, meeting his trust, joining him in the passionate tango. His mouth was busy on her and so were his fingers. Her moaning encouraged him to go on, get her in higher levels of satisfaction.  
Soon another finger joined and he thought that he heard her moan his name but he was too busy to listen to her words. There were years she was quite talkative during sex but never loud or a screamer like other women in his life.

Slowly he started to understand what was so special about his relationship with Addison. He knew what she liked and disliked, what made her feel good and where she loved to be touched, how he could bring her to orgasm with only his nose – if he would want to. He knew that she was getting aroused as soon as somebody was licking the spot behind her ear. And that she loved to tease. That she never had much a thing for anal sex because girls from Connecticut don't do those kind of things but she liked toes. There was a spot on her hip bone which could make her scream his name, just touching it the right way. And he always enjoyed her showing her body off, the light flirting with other man always made him get hard, just watching, knowing that she would join him in bed at night.

Things with Meredith have been so different. Oral sex had been never a discussion because he told her the first time that he doesn't like hair down their but she didn't do anything about it and never asked him to perform it. A man doesn't ask or tell twice, he told himself. She never showed her body off to anybody, it just wasn't her style. The prom night had been different and he knew it. This night had been the most stupid thing he had ever done. And being caught of course. He had been able to lose everything within fifteen minutes of stupid pay back ideas and the fact that he had been missing her in a way he couldn't describe anymore.

He could feel her tighten around him but she interrupted.

"Please Derek don't make me come yet," he heard from Addison, "in me …," she begged.

He didn't need any more encouragement. He kissed her on her lips and with one long stroke he pushed into her.

"God, you are so big …" she moaned when he held still for a moment to let her adjust. "How could I forget how big you are …"

With a smile on his lips he turned them around and made her be on top. It would be a lie to say that this wasn't his favored position, seeing her perfectly toned body move up and down on him. Sometimes she had refused but this time she started to move slowly in the beginning and got more frantic quickly. One of his hands was playing with her breast and the other one had found its way between her like, pressing against this special bundle of nerves. He knew that it wouldn't take her long because in this position she was all in control and within minutes she made herself come on top of him. It had been a lot of self control not to come with her but he switched them around and started again. She moaned without a break and babbled words he wasn't able to understand but this was so his Addison, so much.  
For a few minutes they danced the tango of passion before he touched his so sensitive nipples and heard her words "Let it go, come for me …" And he let go and he came hard, harder than he thought he had ever come before.

Derek sank down on him and forgot time. He couldn't remember how long he had been laying on top of her, if it had been seconds, minutes or hours, he only knew that it felt right.

He felt her hand wander through his hair, softly caressing his scalp. He was still in her and even the idea of her caress aroused him again, not intensively but it did.

"I am not sure if I can do another round."

"We do not have to Addie."

"There is this thing of want and can."

"We could wait a little."

"You want to see me not being able to go straight."

"It's been ages since that happened."

The lay together for maybe half an hour before he started to move again softly, softer and slower than before, than the last time and he felt like ever. He could touch her everywhere and she would moan.

Slowly and softly he made her come once, twice before he let go and erupted into her, her name on his lips. He didn't part from her but held her close the whole night, holding her against his body, pressed tightly, and feeling her breath, move, sleep.

But when he woke up in the morning, she wasn't in bed with him anymore.

~*~

Derek stood behind a palm watching Addison. She was sitting, in her small midnight blue bikini in the white sand, Oliver and Lilian between her legs, giggling as the waves caught them. Her skin tanned so perfectly.

He sat down and watched them. He couldn't think of the time he had imagined them without kids, all the years in New York, knowing now, how near he had been a family back then.

Suddenly Oliver began to scream and Addison made him stand up, hug his little arms around her neck and the boy noticed Derek standing behind them, watching.

"Dada, dada," he said before Addison turned around and smiled at him. Her sunhat pulled over her red hair.

"Only watching," she asked softly.

"I like what I see." He replied and sat down behind her, letting her back rest against his chest.

"Dada," Oliver said again while Lilian was still playing with shells.

"I am hear my cutie, I am here."

The day went by quicker than usual.

~*~

_January 26_

_I really start to think that the time goes by too quick. I adore the surrounding, the twins love it but I think they start to have had enough sun soon. My skin is tanned, better than in Los Angeles. And Derek really tries to work things out; at least he tries to be around during the day and at night. I do not want to say that he is insensitive but the sex he wants, the amount of it, makes me unable to move in the morning. Gives me pain. He always forgets his size and the way I am built in comparison. It has always been a topic between us but nowadays it's more different because I am not used to it like I have been to. I am not really used to sex, not with men that size.  
But it is different from the time we spent together at Christmas. He cares about my arousal, my pleasure. He gives me everything before he let himself take the rest. If I would be fertile, I probably would be pregnant by now but it shouldn't be. Nothing I ever wanted can happen. It was never about having kids, I know there are other ways, but I treat pregnant women and I wanted to go through this whole thing too, 40 weeks of pleasure, pain and unknown experiences. There is a difference between telling people what they should feel, should notice or should know and feeling, noticing and knowing them themselves._

_~*~_

_January 27_

_This man doesn't realize that as soon we are home again, the real world will catch us. Margaret once called telling us that there was an important looking letter from DCF in the mail. We asked her to open it – guess, somebody called in to tell that we have a marriage of convenience. We have a hearing first Friday in February. Next to that Derek will, sooner or later, be at a examination and see his child at an ultra sound. It will make him bond. Back home I once did a slight calculation – I wouldn't need to work, I could stay home as a single parent and raise them, my trust fonts had an excellent rise. If I can get the lawyer to let me do it alone, I could and he could have his small, perfect family. I have to keep telling me this to survive. Right at the moment its paradise but soon we'll drop back into reality._

_~*~_

The week went buy much to fast in Derek's opinion and things were perfect. They hadn't been talking about anything serious but they grew together, at least this was his opinion. And the sex, it was more than he could dream of.  
Derek let Addison know how perfect her body was in his opinion, told her how beautiful she was, how much he liked the way she moved on of him, how much the tiny bikini aroused him but she was rather calm on each of those topics. She never said anything like this to him; she responded to all his words, his touches, his moves but never said it first. Of course he knew that she had never been big on words like those but he wanted to know if he even enjoyed it. Sleeping with each other was falling back into old trances, both knew that the other once enjoyed. Derek didn't have to tell her how to move, what he wanted her to do. It was like they never had broken up in New York, never slept with somebody else.

The twins seemed to sense the change because the flight back was far away from comfortable. Both seemed tired but didn't want to sleep, hungry but didn't want to eat, wanted to be held and didn't want to be held. Most of the flight they were crying and fighting, Derek noticed. Thankfully he had booked them first class, and they were the only ones there so there was no argument about the loudness of the kids.

Back home, reality kicked in. It was cold and rainy and Addison was in a bad mood as soon as the plane touched the airport in Seattle. He sensed it the moment she grabbed her handbag, Lilian in her arms and headed for the entry. She wasn't waiting for him and Oliver only stared at him in a slight confused way.

What was going on with her? Why did she change about two hundred percent within the hours on the plane.

When they reached their house, she excused herself and ran a bath, leaving him with the kids in the living room. She asked for time alone, he understood but he didn't understand why. Everything seemed perfect but maybe it had been too perfect or her or him.

Derek gave up wondering about some of her behaviors in the first year they were dating. There were seasons and months she was moody like the devil himself and sometimes she acted like everybody expected her to react. With Addison, sometimes, you never knew that she was up to. Since they got married last fall, he had the feeling that this had been one of the big developments she went through in LA – control her moods – but today she seemed like the old Addison, back in NY. Not that he didn't like her moods, he just wasn't used to them anymore.

He gave her the space she needed that day and she had left her bedroom door open later when he climbed the stairs. She was already asleep, at least it looked like that for him. She was resting on her side, eyes closed, blanket tightly hugged over her so well tanned shoulders. After preparing himself for bed, he climbed in behind her.  
The moment he put his arm around her waist he waited for a negative reaction but nothing happened. She was deep asleep.

~*~

"Dr. Karev want to scrub into a c-section on a 46 year old with some minor complications," Derek heard Addison ask the young doctor, remembering too well, that there had been something between them.

"You shouldn't stare at her like this," Mark told him, coffee in hand.

"What are you talking about?"

"As soon as she talks to male around her, you shoot those looks of jealousy. They don't fit you."

"I don't know what you are talking about Mark."

"She asked him to scrub in, you remembered the fact that they once slept together in an on call room and boom! You are jealous and afraid that she could do it again."

"How comes that you think that crap?"

"Because I know you. I have seen those before – Meredith and the vet."

"Things were different than."

"No they weren't, just another woman but the facts were the same."

"I have been with Addison then."

"No you weren't, you made her imagine that you are with her, you made her think that she is worth the afford to work on your marriage – you make her believe it but you? You never did a thing."

"Shut up," Derek replied furiously and walked off the ER.

~*~

"There it is again," Mark said into Derek's ear from behind.

"Mark, could you back off and leave me fucking alone?"

"Oh, McAngry now?"

"No, I just want some air."

"You have air."

"God, just leave me alone."

"Well, God …. Thanks for finally calling me by my given name."

"Fuck you."

"Maybe you should fuck her to get that look off your face."

"None of your fucking business."

"She doesn't let you do her again?"

And finally Mark had overstepped Derek's boundaries. He had said the truth. Since they were back, she had let him hold her, though her even but there had been no sex between them. She usually was asleep when he went to bed, if he joined her, if her door was open. Some nights it was closed. Some nights he needed to think and clear his head off.

Within seconds Derek punched Mark with his fist into his face. Hard.

Within seconds Mark's nose and lip started bleeding.

"What the hell," Derek heard a nurse shouting. Another one screamed "Call Dr. Montgomery."

It didn't take Addison long to come downstairs. He hadn't noticed her right away in her pink scrubs because his eye was starting to swell. Mark had hit him back. They had gotten into a real guy fight.

"What the fuck is happening here," Addison asked and stood next to the two wounded doctors.

"He punched me first," Mark said softly.

"What have you said to make him angry?"

"That's unimportant."

"No it isn't," Mark replied angrily.

"So?"

"I told him to stop being jealous and screw you."

"You haven't," Addison said astonished.

"I have, of course. His looks nearly killed Karav and the new male nurse today."

Addison shot Derek a look which made him blush slightly.

"Pack your stuff Derek, we are out of this mad house for today."

He felt threatened like a small child which was pulled away by his mom's hand.

Outside in the car he could see how uncomfortable Addison was. "What the hell have you been thinking Derek?"

"Right the moment he said that? I wasn't thinking anything."

"Lie."

"Don't go there Addison, okay. It happened. I am sorry. Point."


	18. Chapter 18

Not one of the characters is mine, except Psych-Mer.

_February 5__th_

_Tomorrow we have the meeting or hearing or whatever with the department of children and family and we do honestly not know why. We have done nothing wrong, at least not something I can think of. Fact is that that I am not sure how to deal with this organization. One moment they are your best friend and want to help you, the other second they are your worst enemy and want your kids._

_I am scared and I hope that I will find the right words because at the moment I am not able to speak. There are times it appears to me that they won't stay with us even being the most special thing for me in the entire world._

_But Derek becoming father of another woman's child could be suspicious to them, asking myself how they could know it. Somebody must have called them to …_

_~*~_

Sometimes it felt to Derek like he wanted to be in hospital and at the same time at home, spending time with his family. Sometimes he feels like he cannot stand up or go to sleep but he has to take it seriously – realizing that his family could be destroyed, broken by this meeting with the department. Sometimes he only wanted the universe to go down on its knees and say "well done". But things weren't that easy at the moment.

Addison seemed, to Derek, did her best to stay calm, not to be too nervous but she was wondering who had called and told them about him cheating at his wife. He couldn't think of anybody except Meredith and he really had his hopes up that she wouldn't take this step, ruining his family because he pushed her away.

That very Friday morning, the meeting should take place at eleven at the DCF office, Addison was nowhere to be seen when he came downstairs. Her bed was made but no Addison. After ten minutes of waiting he turned nervous. Was Addison running off? Backing out of this dilemma? His Addison giving up? But as soon as he had placed the twins in their high chairs and started feeding them their breakfast respectively they tried to feed themselves. Tried. The floor was a mess already. He heard the terrace door opening and Addison came in, running outfit on. He hadn't seen her in those for ages. The red head took of her shoes and wandered barefoot into the kitchen.

"How are my cuties," she said and placed a kiss on their heads. Both smiled at her happily.

"You went for a run?

"I needed to clear my head, Derek."

She grabbed a mug, poured herself some coffee and sat down on the dining table.

"Have you heard something from Meredith? Seen some ultrasounds?"

"Nope."

"Have you ever seen one?"

"No … Addison, what do you want to say?" Derek sounded anxious and insecure.

"Ever thought about the idea that she may not be pregnant at all?"

"How … Why?"

"Well the why is an easy one – she wants you back Derek and I am not playing along that perfectly well."

Derek remained silent. Could she do this? Could Meredith play that little shitty game with him to get him back into her bed?

"Why that sudden, Addie?"

"I thought about it for quite some time."

"I don't understand."

"Every pregnant woman shows off her first ultra sound pics like it would be a trophy and she never showed you. And she didn't notice her missing period in November or December, Derek? Just suddenly after were gone and you didn't return her calls, then she unexpectedly finds out that she is pregnant with your child?"

Derek stared into his empty mug.

"That would be psycho."

"I know Derek that's why I didn't say a word for a long time. But realizing now that we could lose everything we built up over the last months, made me understand, that this isn't that impossible."

She was right, more than right. He could lose everything in a single day and as soon as the kids are gone, Addison would be gone too because there would be no reason for her to stay up here in Seattle.

Soon she went for a shower, taking Lilian with her. It started to be kind of their morning ritual on weekends. He liked to think of mother and daughter taking a shower together. Lilian loved the water. Addison once had shown him a book and there had been a chapter on boundary. Addison had changed shampoo and body wash to something not smelly and more sensitive so it wouldn't harm the baby's skin or burn in her little eyes.

Derek wanted to watch them interact just once but he would never dare to interrupt this so holy ritual. Most of the time Oliver would be with him during this period. They would watch some sports together or just play with his new favored ambulance car or one of the trucks. Sometimes he felt like he was missing something, not having this bond to one of the kids.  
Addison had rituals with Olivier too. Different ones. Some that weren't that intimate.

~*~

"So is everybody ready?" Derek asked waiting for Addison to come down stairs. The twins were sitting in their car seats, both wearing rather expensive baby cloths, Italian ones. Addison loved to buy at Benetton's and PreNatal's but lately she was too busy or the kids kept her too busy or something like that because slowly they started to grow out of everything they owned.

Addison appeared on the stairs, wearing blue jeans, a white blouse and a matching blazer jacket in reddish brown – perfectly matching her hair. She was not about to get into high heels but comfortable Timberland booths. Derek noticed her wearing her engagement and wedding band on the one hand and the one he gave her for Christmas on the other – for the first time. She had applied little back up, probably only mascara and some light foundation. No earrings, necklace – nothing to spoil her beauty. It was about to look natural.

~*~

"Thanks for your coming Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Shepherd," the lady from DCF was new. They hadn't seen her before. "My name is Andrea Silverstine and I am your new contact person."

They welcomed each other halfhearted and sat down, the kids on their laps.

"So, why I asked you to come. We got an anonymous call telling that you are living in a marriage of convenience. I had problem with that but I went through your legal stuff and this told me that in your case, things are different because of the last will. I was told that you, Dr. Shepherd, impregnated another woman."

Derek watched Addison study the back of Oliver's head, not moving her eyes up, not focusing on him, not glaring, hating, whatever.

"We are not sure yet. I mean yes, she is pregnant but we are not sure if I am the father."

"How come?"

"I do not think that this is any of your business," Addison stepped in. "It is something we have to deal with, I have to accept but not you. We are not …"

"But I am sure, Mrs. Shepherd, that he wants to be part of this pregnancy."

"He can, if he wishes to."

"Sure?"

"Why not? I mean it isn't like he will ever go through this stuff with me."

Mrs. Silverstine looked at Addison and nodded, not knowing what she meant but also not pushing things further.

"So you are okay with this?"

"I am not okay with it but I will survive it."

"I am only talking to you because we care about the welfare of the twins. If you are about to break up over another woman's pregnancy, we have to deal with it as soon as possible."

"We … I mean, I wouldn't break this marriage up." Derek said and looked Mrs. Silverstine directly in the eye. "Why should I?"

"Because you broke up a marriage before, because your wife cheated. I read your files and I really have to say that I didn't expect you to work things out that well. I read interviews, statements from former colleagues in New York, from Seattle and from Los Angeles and everybody said how perfect you two are and that he would never cheat on you. Anyway, seemed to be a lie but as long as you can live with this pregnancy and your cheating husband Dr. Shepherd, I can too. But as soon as he moves out or anything like that we have to get together and talk about arrangements. Right at the moment I would even see the slight possibility to give full custody to you alone, Mrs. Shepherd because from what I see and heard you do your job perfectly well."

Addison nodded and Derek started to not understand the world anymore. How could a foreigner know all those details about their lives? How could she say that she would give Addison full custody? How could she even think about them breaking up?

"What do you mean by saying that she does her job perfectly well? I do my …"

"You are still working lots of hours. I got your last month schedule. Knowing that your wife was at her mother's you were working late hours and even twice double shifts. I called in and asked why, I wanted to know if they were tight on people but what did I hear? You asked for it."

"This isn't true."

Oliver started to squirm in Addison's lap and soon he started crying.

"Would you mind if I take them outside and give them something to eat? I think they are hungry."

"Sure, make yourself comfortable." With those words Addison left the room, each child on one side, walking slowly.

"I still do not understand why Meredith's pregnancy is any of your business."

"It isn't. But what we also heard was that you are thinking about moving out, living with your pregnant girlfriend. That your marriage was one of convenience. Look, I do not care about your sexual relationships, I really do not. But those two have been under enough stress for not being two years old and I do not want to put them through a huge break up, lots of fighting and screaming. At the moment things look well but nobody knows which decision you will make as soon as the kid is born."

"I won't change my mind. I swore that will be there in good and in bad times."

"You did that more than a decade ago too and you left New York."

"She was cheating on me with my best friend."

"And you cheated on her with a coworker. There is no difference. She may have had a relationship with him afterwards, after you left but you slept with this woman in front of her eyes. I mean how much disrespect can there be?"

Derek knew that she was right. He knew that everybody was right who said that he was the real cheater in this wedding. He had been cheating on her when she first came to Seattle. He never really tried to make an afford t work things out. He blamed her and he still blames her for sleeping with Mark but it's been years. She gave up everything, changed her life, and went from double board certified world best neonatal surgeon to a caring mother who works the lightest schedule he had ever seen.

"So, what do we have to do to please DCF?"

"We will visit you before Easter, probably end of March and it would be the best if the soon to be mother could also be there to discuss eventualities."

Derek nodded, they shook hands and he left.

~*~

"You have to ask her about the ultra sound pictures," Addison said and put a pot on the stove to heat some peas and carrots.

"I cannot walk towards her and ask if she can show me those."

"You can. Usually first time mothers carry them around all the time."

"Sure?"

"Well, that's how it usually is."

Eventually she was right, he knew but fact was that Meredith never even tried to show him any of those. He had to convince her to do so, soon.

Addison had to feel miserable in his opinion. There was a woman outside who probably was caring a baby which he fathered. She had to be afraid that he would leave, afraid that she his majorities would change.

"Do you want to go out with me tonight," he suddenly said with a smile on her lips.

"The kids?"

"I could ask Mark or Callie to look after them."

"Hmhm …."

"Movie and dinner?"

"Sure."

"Casual this time please."

"Any further requirements?" She said smiling. It wasn't like she really looked one hundred percent happy but on the best way towards it.

"Hm … maybe you could pack an overnight bag?"

"Derek? What's your plan?"

"Give me some space here to surprise you, Addie. I know, you are no fan of surprises but let's do it."

Later that afternoon Mark and Callie came over. Derek had talked them into staying the night, prepared his bedroom for them to sleep in. He had plans with Addison. It wasn't like he wanted to seduce her but spend the night, just the two of them – at the trailer. He wanted to show her the silence of the woods, wanted to make good memories there.

When she came downstairs she was wearing the blue jeans from the morning and a black cashmere pullover, a emerald scarf and her hair was pulled together in a lose knot. On her feet she wore those favored cowboy booths.

"You ready," she said while he was staring at her. The grin on his face couldn't be overseen.

"Sure. Things packed my dear?"

"Yep, " she said and showed her Longchamp weekend bag towards him.

After a French romance movie, an old one but it was with Catherine Deneuve and to see Addison was worth it to watch a movie had wasn't interested. In the end he had to give in that the movie was nice, nothing special in his opinion but Addison loved it. She was happy, all the time speaking about the movie while he drove them to the ferry. She looked nervous when she realized where they were going, he could see it from the way she played with her rings, turning them around numerous times. But she doesn't ask questions. On the ferry she was standing on the top and her hair played in the wind, like so many times. Usually she had been looking for him, seldom he had made himself seen, most of the time his thoughts were somewhere else, at another woman in his life. But this time he was focused on her, her amazing beauty, her grace – his Addison.

When they drove towards the trailer they were in silence. He had asked Callie to clean up a little, bring some candles and cool down some wine. He wanted to make things special, special for his wife. Months after getting married he finally noticed how much she had given up to give them a third chance. Didn't everybody deserve a third one? He wanted to make things good, better because he knew that everything could be gone soon. Depending on the paternity test.

"You got it cleaned, " Addison said while stepping in. On their way home from the movie they had decided to get some take out from an Italian restaurant.

"Want to sit down," Derek asked while lightening the candle on the already white clad small table in the living room area of the trailer. Addison sat down, a smile on her lips. He hadn't seen her that calm in Seattle ever. His wife.

They sipped the white wine, a "Fizzarello" from Umbria. He had bought that bottle months ago reminding him of the time they drove that Alfa Romeo spider cabriolet through Umbria to Milano, the wind brushing through their hair, wearing big sunglasses. They had been so young then, just finished medschool.

"Do you want to try the fish or the meat first?" Addison asked and looked at him. He grabbed the fish, something delicious with garlic. He loved garlic, always had and thankfully she also enjoyed eating garlic- nothing to be embarrassed afterwards while kissing.

While eating they talked about the kids and the possibility to give them to a day care soon. Addison gave it a thought already and Derek thought, that he liked Margaret better.

"Let's see if Margaret can also handle them if they are into really running. Now it's just walking and not really running. Two can be a handful."

Addison agreed. "We both enjoy the traditions she brings into our family, the way she handles raising our kids in a traditional and conservative way. Rights and rules – they are just barely over one year old but they already know that there are no sweets in our house and they do not ask for them, even after getting them at their friends.

"Friends?"

"Yeah, don't you remember that Margaret and I went baby swimming with them?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, every Wednesday afternoon we are baby swimming and they really enjoy it. Twice I already went with them to Laura afterwards – one of the mothers from the swimming class. Her son Anthony is nearly the same age as our but she is a single mom and it was really nice talking to her. The kids come along pretty well. So and they go sweets there. I didn't want to but Laura just gave them some sweet stuff and at home they once asked Margaret and we agreed not to go into sweets. They are too young for that kind of sugar."

Derek nodded. He hadn't noticed that Addison had a new girly friend. Callie and her were getting along well but she didn't know things about kids or toddlers. She was a friend, a girly friend but not a companion in the area of parenting.

He was missing things. He wondered if she was ever going to tell him about the baby swimming class. One step ahead and another two back, that's how he felt at the moment.

"You never said a word about the baby swimming."

"It's written down on the kitchen calendar – Wednesday 3 to 5."

He couldn't remember the last time he looked there for something. It had been an unwritten rule to put in the personal stuff, in New York it had worked quite well over a few years before he started to skip things, stopped reading the handwritten notes, stopped noticing her.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Derek." Addison replied, grabbing a piece of Tiramisu.

"Why Mark and not somebody else? A foreigner?"

Addison stopped eating. He knew they had been over this a million times and her answer would probably be the same.

"He was there Derek, he looked out for me, cared. You sent him even on our anniversary because … you never came home, never. I cooked dinner, prepared lunch, booked a romantic weekend in Buenos Aires but nothing – you never showed up, you not even excused yourself. You weren't there anymore but he was. Every single time."

Derek nodded. Eventually she was right but in his very opinion the worst wasn't the cheating but that it had been with Mark. Would it have been some male nurse or somebody from a bar, it would have been easier to handle for him. Not that he was into threesomes but he would have managed. But that she turned towards his best friend, his brother in brain, the one person both could relay on. But he sent him, every single time he sent him to look after her, take care of her, and look out for her. To eat his meals, sit in concert next to her, celebrate their anniversary instead of him at her side. What was he thinking?

"I know Derek that it had been a huge mistake but I felt lonely. No I felt alone. You didn't even touch me, no kissing, and no sex nothing for months."

He knew. It wasn't like he didn't notice her body next to her, her attempts to work on it but he didn't want to. He didn't care. She was home, slept in their bed. So he slept in the hospital. As soon as she was on a congress, out of town, he had no problem sleeping at home.

She wanted family then, he sensed it and now he knew it but he wasn't really ready. He wanted to be chief, it had been the priority. Being home, having sex, conceiving a child would have changed priorities, would have changed his life. He realized that also not being there had changed a lot.

"Would you also have left if the prom never happened?"

"Stop Derek, I agreed on one question and not on two!"

"Please," he said putting on his perfect puppy face.

"Okay." He heard her taking a deep breath. "I think that if the prom wouldn't have happened, it would have happened somewhere, elsewhere. You never wanted to work things out."

Derek nodded, she was right. It would have happened because he wanted it to happen and Meredith had been vulnerable that night. There had been no convincing – it just happened.

"Maybe it would have taken months or years for me to find out if you wouldn't have tucked in the panties - stupid you, by the way – but someday I would have realized it."

They shared the Tiramisu in silence. He didn't know how to go on, how to just make them sit down on the bed and do whatever they want to do. He knew that he was up to but he couldn't speak for her.

Half an hour later she stood up, without saying something and went to the bedroom. He could watch her from the place he was sitting. Without words she started undressing. Staying in front of him ins just underwear made him realize that he eventually should match her actions.

"You coming?"

"What are you doing Addison?"

"I thought that this is the reason why we were going here."

He stared at her, questioning. She was offering him sex but the problem was that the romance was gone.

Derek undressed himself to his boxer shorts. Addison wanted to open her bra but he stopped her, he wanted to do this later. Maybe later.  
The way she was offering herself to him made him think that this was one of her ways or ideas to make him stay. He had been the sexual type when he was younger but he had thought that those days had been long before Seattle.  
The way she offered herself to him made him vomit sometimes, made his brain vomit. He wanted her, he longed for her but this was too easy. He wanted the slow dance, the touches, the words – the seducement and not the plain sex, the shower afterwards and sometimes the sleeping in separate beds.  
He wanted to be allowed to walk up at her in the living room, touch her breasts, kiss his neck and maybe sleep with her on the sofa.  
He wanted to be invited to her tub or the Jacuzzi, kiss her for hours and slowly made love to her.

Making love?

Love?

Fallen in love.

"Don't," he only said and pushed her against the mattress of the bed. "Just lay down."

And so she did. He took in her body in all its glory. He wanted to remember this view forever. Her well tanned skin only hidden by a black corsage styled bra and matching lace string tanga. Her hair was open, like waves against a virgin sandbank.

Callie had bought new sheets, no old memories in Scottish flannel sheets. Those were emerald green, those made her eyes turn green.

Her mouth was slightly open, his eyes fixed with hers. Her breathing was deep and hard, he could see the bra coups digging into her skin the moment she took a deep breath.  
Her legs still slender, muscular. It was like they hadn't left this dance years ago, it was like back on med school.

There was no need for words. He didn't lie down. He started to kiss her belly without touching her. He trailed kisses over her breasts without unclothing her. He inhaled her sent without kissing her. And then he kissed her, softly in the beginning more urgent in the end.

Her hands started to fondle with her panties but he stopped. This shouldn't be about sex, lust or satisfaction.

He stopped her hands.

He stopped her hands and lay down next to her.

He pulled her towards him, facing her.

"I thought …"

"Don't think Addie, don't. "

"But I think we came here to."

"No, this isn't about sex."

There was a silence for a few minutes before she said. "You don't like the sex."

"How comes? Why do you think … ?"

"A feeling."

"I like it."

"Good. But Derek, I hear a *but* coming."

"I don't like the way … you are offering sex. It isn't like you really want it."

Addison sat up in bed, her face looked angry in a typical Addison way.

"So? What do you want?"

"I only want you to sleep with me if you really want it. If you want to have sex. Not offering me sex because you think I could want it."

"But …"

"No Addison. I really enjoy sleeping with you, I always did."

"But ..?"

"There is no but Addie. We are not friends with benefits, we are a married couple. Of course we have sexual needs and urges but being married means that both of them live together and sleep together. That there are nights you sleep on different ends of the bed, nights you just cuddle, nights you have sex."

"So this is about sleeping arrangements?"

"Maybe a little bit, maybe not. I don't know Addison. Some things just don't feel like they should be, it isn't like they feel wrong but we have to invest more work in them."

"You want to move into the master bedroom?"

"Maybe."

"Okay," she answered softly, moving back into a sleeping position.

"Okay?"

"Yes it is okay."

This night was one of the nights you do not have sex but sleep next to each other, arm in arm – happy memories. It was one of those nights she fell asleep long before him because she was tired from all day's work.

Derek softly brushed hair out of her face, placing one or the other kiss on the elegant neck, the perfect shoulder and the slender arm.

"God only knows how much I love you," he murmured before falling asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

„Meredith, I want to see an ultra sound picture," Derek said and went a few steps with her towards the nurse station.

"I don't have any with me."

"No?"

"No."

"When will be your next appointment?"

"Haven't arranged any yet."

"Not?"

"No."

"You should have a fix schedule with those appointments."

"It's not your problem Derek."

~*~

"Mark, time for coffee?" Derek asked him. He was thinking about the conversation with Meredith the whole morning.

"Always, if you are paying for the really good stuff from in front of the building."

They sat down on a bench in front of the double glass doors.

"If you buy coffee I know something is up. What shit have you done to Addison?"

"I have to ask you something," Derek said. He tried to stay calm, tried to make him sound secure about the following question. "Have you seen Meredith showing pictures of the ultra sound to anybody?"

There was a pregnant silence. A heavy silence.

"No," Mark replied. Derek understood that Mark noticed what he was thinking about. Was Meredith pregnant at all? "I asked Callie a few days ago because I was wondering. Usually … I mean … Shit. Derek, do you think the same …. I mean … I thought about that being unreal … I know that you never sleep without a condom … God, I remember your speeches because of me not using them all the time. Why would you do it without one ….?"

"I didn't do it without one."

Both men sit there in another silence. "The only woman I ever slept without a condom is Addison."

"But she never got pregnant …"

"She did."

"You are not saying that she also …"

"No, no abortion but she lost them."

"More than one?"

"I think so."

"Shit."

Derek nodded in agreement. How could something like this happen to him? He had done a lot of shit in his life especially to Addison and his family but only a psycho would make up a pregnancy.

"What does Addison think about Meredith?"

"She was the one asking me about the ultrasound pictures."

"Oh … she has a sensor for stuff like this."

"Nevertheless she deals with preggos 24/7."

"Not anymore Derek, she works if at all 5 hours a day."

Derek knew that he was right. One or two births a day, for complications there have been new doctors too. Complicated surgeries were her field of work but not the standard stuff anymore. She loved being there for mother and talk to them - he knew because she always did, but next to that things had calmed down in her life, her work related life.

"You don't want this baby. Do you?"

"Of course not. I never wanted the baby, not today and not tomorrow. It isn't right."

"But you slept with her."

Mark had a point. Sleeping with a woman always risks producing a child because that's what sex usually is about, he tells himself.

"It was a mistake."

"Have you ever thought about Addison in this whole conversation?"

"I think of her all the time."

"But have you thought about how she might feel now? I mean look – she gave up New York in the first place, Los Angeles afterwards. She gave up your family and work over here. She gave up her career and you cannot stop fucking Meredith?"

"You don't have to tell me how fucked up I am."

"Ever thought that Addison may want kids on her own? Ever thought about her feelings on this topic? Ever had the idea how a woman must feel, being told, that her husband produced a kid with another woman, a woman he had cheated with during their first marriage? I know what I am not good with relationships and everything but I know what this woman deserves and at the moment you are no help there."

"I know that I do not deserve her."

"And the winner is ….."

"But I want to make it work. God, I never thought that I would tell you this but I think I fell in love again … no, I got it wrong, I think I have never stopped loving her."

"So, why did you make her leave the first time?"

"I didn't think about it. As soon as I closed my eyes I saw her underneath you, her moaning, her naked body …. I couldn't."

"And now you do not see those pictures anymore?"

"No. I see others."

"Perfect. I think this private shrink lesson is over. The next time it has to be more than coffee. Oh, a tip from the shrink to the patient – maybe it is time to tell her that you love her?"

"Thanks Mark, I know that myself."

"So why don't you just do it? Afraid of her reaction?"

Derek nodded and stared at the empty paper mug in his hands. Yes, he was afraid. What if she doesn't love him? What if she only lives with him because if the kids? What if she leaves afterwards?

With those words Mark left him sitting there alone on the bench in the not existing February sun. It was still cold and cloudy, some days he really hated Seattle for the city it was. Why not Miami, Denver, Vegas or New Orleans, why had Richard to offer him a job in the city of rain?

~*~

He came home before dinner. It hadn't been easy for him but he realized after talking with Mark that he had to shift his priorities a little further not to fall back into the old New York manners. Actually he was home early. A foreign car was parked in the spot before the house and he started to wonder who could be visiting.

Of course he was kind of nervous, remembering the last time things seemed to be out of order.

He unlocked the door and entered the building and in the same moment Oliver came running towards him. This kid seemed to have a sixth sense for him coming home lately.

"Daddy," he babbled happily and wanted to be pulled up. Derek stepped out of his shoes and walked towards the kitchen.

A tall woman was standing next to Addison on the counter watching her cut onions.

"Hey you," Derek said walking towards his wife. "I am Derek," he said and greeted the woman.

"Hi, a pleasure to finally meet you. I am Laura and this one," she pointed at a boy playing with Lilian, "is Anthony."

"You are home early," Addison was able to say before he placed a kiss on her lips. He didn't do this in ages, greeting her home.

"I rescheduled. What are you cooking?" He said and smiled at her. Laura moved towards her son and Lilian.

"Chili con carne – some meet for the kids and the real Chili for us."

"Great, I haven't had Chili in ages."

Addison didn't reply. "Let me cut the onions Addie, go and sit down with your friend."

Laura was a tall woman, nearly the same high as Addison but different, very different. Addison was tall and slender and Laura was curvy, much curvier than Addison. He was just a man, he noticed things. She had a big chest, which she was hiding under a dark brown high cut pullover and wider hips. Her hair was shoulder length and more or less cut the Italian way. He couldn't describe it but those cuts and colors he had seen in Italy very often and liked them a lot.  
Addison hadn't told him anything about Laura before except her name and that she was a single mother. Maybe this was the reason why they were friends now; did Addison feel like a single mother too?

~*~

"You moved my stuff," Derek asked when he was about to put Oliver down again.

"You wanted to share a room."

"But I didn't think that you …I mean thanks."

"You are welcome."

"Am I?"

"Sure," she said and headed towards the study to sit down and write a few emails like she had told him before.

"Tell me about Laura," he said because he was really curious to find out.

"What do you want to know?"

"What does she do for a living … just tell me."

"She is single, has Anthony and is working as a lawyer for the local JAG."

"JAG," he replayed softly. A military woman. Something new.

"Do you have a problem with her profession?"

"Of course not."

"Good, because honestly said Derek, I do not care. I like her, the kids are coming along pretty well and she is a good friend to me."

Addison never had many girl friends, this came with her profession. She was always "friend" with her coworkers as long as they didn't flirt with him or had a problem with her family names – Forbes.

"What about Anthony's father?"

"Well, as soon as he knew that she was pregnant he backed off, signed in for Iraq. At the moment his MIA"

"Oh, I am sorry for her."

"Actually it isn't that bad. He hadn't signed any papers on the paternity or even called at birth. She is sorry for Anthony but not herself. She is a clever woman, Derek, she doesn't need a man to raise her kid."

"You wouldn't either."

"I do, I couldn't do it all by myself."

"But you are already."

"No Derek, I am not. You are there at night, you …"

"I am there very seldom. I loved being with the kids in St. Thomas, to get their attention, to notice me but I am rarely. I am not there for them and not for you."

"Don't give me that now Derek, you are there for us."

"I do not feel like this."

"Tell me," sitting down with a glass or Chardonnay, "do you really think that I would stick around if I think that you wouldn't be there for us?"

Was she just saying what he thought she was saying because it didn't make sense to him anymore. If she just said what he thought she was saying it would mean that she cared for him, that she think that he does a good job being a father, being a husband.

"I don't know Addison. I just feel like we are drifting apart. This Meredith thing … I don't know if I can make you go through it … again."

She padded the place next to her on the sofa and Derek sat down next to her, not knowing what would happen next, not knowing how he could fix this mess.

"Look at me Derek," she said softly putting the glass on the coffee table. "I said look at me." He didn't turn his had, so he suddenly felt a hand on his chin and seconds later, he felt weight on his lap. His wife, his Addison, his world best double board certified neonatal surgeon was straddling him. "One again Derek, look at me."

He put up his face and looked her deep in the eye.

"Do you really think Derek that I love the actual situation? Do you really think that I do not have one or the other sleepless night thinking that you may run off with Meredith … again? Do you really think I am that cold? I am not. I care for you. Maybe I care for you more than I should at the moment because you have brought us eventually into this mess. We were married and you slept with her in our house. I mean that little respect …. But we cannot change things anymore."

With those words her lips closed over his. He had dreamt of this, that she would make the first step, that she would just kiss him.  
Her lips were soft, she tasted a little like wine and she felt good. His hands were around her waist, pulling her towards him, hugging her tightly against his chest.

"If you are really up to it, we can get through all this, together," she whispered softly into his year. "because…" But before she could say more, his lips crashed hers, more urgent, more passionate, more in need to feel her. He didn't knew what she wanted to say but he knew what he wanted to tell her, what he needed to tell her … but … but there were buts. Why couldn't he just say it? Why couldn't he make her believe that she was the one and only he wanted to be with? Why couldn't he tell her that he gave the now and forever lots of thinking, positive thinking?

She was kissing him, passionately. Her hands were on his shoulders, holding her in position.

"Do you want me to unbutton my blouse, Derek?" She said softly, her voice all seductive. And how he wanted her to undo those little buttons, how much he wanted her to strip in front of him. All the times they had sex over the last month, things had always started and finished in bed. No unclothing, no strip, no nothing.

Her blouse was a shade of violet he hadn't seen her wearing before. He didn't need to answer. Her hands left his shoulders and she sat back on his knees. Slowly she started to unbutton one than another one, slowly making him go insane.

She stopped in the middle of it. He could look in those incredible blue eyes, when his fingers traced over hers, to start unbuttoning himself.

"You know Addie, you have not changed in all those years. Your skin is still so soft, god …"

She smiled at him, kissed him on his nose.  
He softly pushed the blouse from her shoulders, letting it glide to the floor. Her bra was nearly sheer, a soft shade of crème. His fingers trailed over the hems of the bra and he could hear her sharp breath intake.

"But those have changed a little."

"Have they," she asked, her voice a little unsteady.

"They have, they appear fuller to me. Not the breasts of a grown teenager but a woman. And they seem more sensitive …" With those words he brushed over them and got the reaction he wanted.

"Maybe because I am off contraception …"

"You are?"

"For over a year now."

"Oh …. You mean … I mean …"

"Derek, I already told you it's not like I can get pregnant …"

"But there are miracles."

"Don't go there Derek. We have two wonderful kids and we do not need more."

"You are right." He kissed her softly. "You know Addie, you turn me on."

"I can feel it."

"Do you want to do something about it?"

"Not yet."

Those foreplays or however things might be called had been able to go on for hours back in New York, during the good years of their marriage, till he wasn't able to control himself anymore. She had always liked those ways of teasing him to an unbearable stage.

They slept together this night on the sofa and he let her be in control over all of it. She took her time; she made it long and pushed her still clad breasts into his face. And this night he was allowed the very first time to sleep in the same bedroom with his wife, in their bedroom. He hadn't yet been able to say those miracle three words but soon, he told himself, soon he might be able to do so. He had to solve some of their problems before but he would be able to do it.

Her sensitive feminine body was pressed against his in the morning when the first sounds from the nursery woke them.

"I will get them," she said and rolled out of the bed. In all her nudeness she walked towards the armchair where the white silk robe lay.

"Let them fuss a little and come back to bed Addie."

"Nope Derek, you have had enough Addison last night. Let me take care of them."

He watched her leaving the room, watched her walk barefoot to the nursery and could hear her through the baby phone, talking towards the twins. She came back with both to their bedroom after a few minutes.

"Look, who wanted to see you…" She only said and helped Oliver climb up the bed.

In this very moment their life seemed to be so perfect.


	20. Chapter 20

_March 1_

_Somehow I start to think that this whole pregnancy is a fake. She is gaining weight but refuses to let one of us be at the ultra sound She never showed us any ultrasound photos which is suspicious. Derek still thinks that his Meredith wouldn't do things like that. I think she does. She wants him back._

_The plan is to go into confrontation. I know that if I am wrong I may lose Derek._

~*~

There had been whispering when Derek came out of the OR, very loud whispering. Everybody was staring at him, talking behind his back. Something had happened, something big. It hadn't been like since Addison came the first time to Seattle to win him back.

Derek went towards the ER. Callie stared at him. He could see in her eyes that she wanted to talk to him but Mark pulled her back, and he could hear, that he said something like that this isn't her battle to fight.

"Bailey, tell me what the fuck is up!"

Bailey looked up at him, biting her lower lip a little. "Go to the third floor …"

"Okay what has Addison done?"

"I cannot tell you … you just go there and find it out yourself."

Derek was irritated. She had never been easy but easier the last weeks and months. What had she done? Why did everybody know about it but him? Why did nobody call him? Reaching the third floor he could already see the crowed.

"What's up," he tried to ask calmly. One of the patients told him that there was a fierce redhead who had pushed a blond into a room and screamed at her. The door is locked, nobody cant get in but people are able to understand the topic of the argument – a fake pregnancy.

Staying in front of the room, he could hear Addison yelling at Meredith. "You aren't even a little pregnant. What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

"Get the away from the door and let me go."

"Meredith I called every single OB/GYN in Seattle and talked to them and one told me that you have been there, that they have done a pregnancy test and that it was absolutely negative. Eventually you refuse to believe that Derek didn't impregnate you!"

"This was against law."

"And it's against law to tell somebody that you are pregnant and you aren't. It's against everything …"

"He was engaged with me and suddenly he is married to you – that's against law too."

"No, it isn't."

"It is."

"Meredith it isn't against law. We got married for a reason."

"Yeah, for the kids but that doesn't involve sex or anything like that."

"Marriage involves sex."

"But yours shouldn't."

He could see that Addison was staring at Meredith in disbelieve. He knew her too well.

"Why?"

"He is in love with me," Meredith replied.

"Maybe he is, maybe he is not."

"He didn't say anything towards you."

"Why should he? We share bed, table and kids what more can I ask for?"

Those word hurt him deep down, he felt his heart break.

"You could ask for love. He fucks you so why not?"

"Sleeping together and declaring love are two very different things."

"No, they aren't."

"God, am I talking to a twelve year old? You do not have to be in love to sleep with somebody."

"But …"

"There are no buts Meredith. It is like this."

"But you are in love with him."

There was a silence, a big silence. The tension between those two could be cut with a knife; Derek noticed the anger in Addison's face rise.

"I am in love with him, I always have been but that doesn't change anything about this situation."

She was in love with him? Always had been? Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd was in love with him? He wanted to storm the room, press her against a wall and declare his love but he knew better. He held himself together and let those two finish fighting. Mark would have titles it "Cat fight". Derek had to juggle a little.

"It does. You do not want us to have a child together."

"Meredith, you aren't pregnant," she said firmly again. "Nothing about you is pregnant. Your pelvic didn't change, your breasts aren't swelling only your belly does and this isn't like pregnant women do – believe me, I have seen enough."

"I am pregnant."

"Prove it to me."

"Why should I?"

"Because you called DCF because you want to destroy our family, my and Derek's family. Prove it to me now Meredith or I will leave this room, call a psychiatrist and let him tell you that you are wrong."

Derek got the feeling that she wasn't able to prove it because she wasn't pregnant at all. But he was proven wrong.

"Make the ultrasound yourself." Meredith said and lay down on the table, lifted her shirt and waited for a reply. Addison just stood there for a minute or two staring at Meredith but then she walked towards the ultrasound machine, applied some gel onto the young woman's belly and turned on the machine.

Derek glanced around for a second and noticed the absolute silence. Nobody was speaking around him.

Addison put the transducer to Meredith belly and stared at the screen. Derek stared at the screen, everybody stared at the screen. Addison talked calmly to Meredith and explained something, pointing out on the screen. The young woman burst into tears, not yelling anymore. They couldn't understand what was going on in this room anymore but they understood that it had to be unpleasant for Meredith. Addison washed the gel off her belly and held her hand.

Five minutes later the redhead, his redhead, left the room. She didn't say a word but headed towards an on-call room. Derek followed her, wondering what was going on. When he entered the room, she was sitting on the bed, her head in hands.

"Addison?" He asked and sat down next to her on the bed, putting his hand on her back for comfort.

She cried softly. Derek didn't understand this soft outburst. It was so not his wife.

"What happened in there," Derek asked, comforting her back.

"I confronted her with the fact that there is no doctor in Seattle which could confirm her pregnancy."

"You did call… I mean ….?"

"I called some, asked if she would be a patient. One remembered her, I told him my qualifications and he sent me the file, I mean faxed me the one page negative pregnancy result."

"This is against law."

"I don't care anymore Derek. She wanted to destroy our family."

"So she isn't pregnant?"

"No she isn't. I think it's a pseudo pregnancy and she really needs help, professional help. She really believed that she is pregnant and when I told her that there is no embryo, she broke down."

"Want me to call somebody?"

"It would be the best if you could introduce somebody, like Dr. Edelstine, to her. I am not sure if she will take the help but maybe. She needs a therapist!"

"And what do you need, Addie?"

"I have everything I need," she said with a tired smile.

He looked into the deep blue orbs and fell in love again. Derek pulled her into him, got her under him in the small bunk bed and started kissing her. Her reply was slow but existent. After a few minutes his hands were all over her body and she relaxed into him.

"I don't want to do this here," Derek whispered into her ear, pressing his erection into the juncture of her legs, "I want you at home, slow and easy with all its need. I am too old for these on call room thingies."

Addison giggled.

"You now that I want you?"

"I can feel it Derek."

"It isn't all about sex."

"It isn't? Isn't everything about sex in this big wide world?"

"Not for me. Not around you." With those words he got out of the bed, placed another kiss on her soft lips, helped her up and together they left the room.

On his way to the nursery station on the ER floor he ran into Cristina who only yelled at him, what he had done to Meredith. He said nothing.

"But she is crying and you won't stop," the Asian looking doctor replied.

"Addison did an ultrasound and prognosed a pseudo pregnancy."

"It can't be."

"Cristina, I saw it myself. She needs help now."

The young doctor nodded and left to find her friend, Derek suspected.

After some surgery he went home early, tired and in thoughts about the events of the day. One of his biggest problems had been solved. On his way to the house he bought a big bunch of long red roses. For some minutes he sat in the car, thinking about Addison and what she had done for him today. What she done for him over the last couple of months.

He told himself that he had to be thankful, more than that. He should be on his knees and thank her for giving up her life and being able to handle him. Him, a man who often had no clue what he wanted or what was the best for him, who was unable to make decisions, unable to tell what he feels.

It was shortly before six in the evening when he opened the door, the flowers in hand and walked into the hall. He already heard a giggling from the living room and the kids babbling. Margret's cloths weren't there anymore so they were alone.

"I am home honey," he said lowed when he placed his coat on a hanger and walked towards the kitchen.

But there was no Addison in the living room, no Addison in the kitchen. He found her in the study, sitting in one of the old arm chairs, staring out of the window. She wasn't looking after the children but she had sent Margaret home.

"Hey Adds, what's up honey?" He asked and sat down on the chair next to her, the roses on the kitchen table. She didn't say a word in the beginning and took him five minutes to move her eyes from some imaginable point towards him.

"I feel bad about what I have done today. I freaked out."

"It was okay Addison, you proved your point."

"But I ruined a life."

"You didn't."

"I did. Callie called a couple of minutes ago. She said that Cristina had to call 911 when she reached home because Meredith tried to hurt herself because she couldn't believe that she wasn't pregnant. … I nearly killed her."

"You didn't. Maybe she is sick?"

"She is in a clinic now and they will make her stay a few days. Callie said something about a clinic not I the state, Pilgrim in NY."

"Why that far?"

"I don't know. Callie only said that Richard asked for special help on this and …"

"Maybe they want to bring some distance between the daily events and her not being herself."

"I don't know Derek but if I would not have cornered her into this room …."

"Stop it Addison," he said softly and pulled her towards him. Now they were both sitting on the floor, her tear strained face pressed into his chest. He brushed with his hand over her head. Addison had never really been sorry for anything, he thought, maybe about the affair with Mark years back but that's it. But this bugged her.

The babbling was coming towards them and within minutes Lilian was sitting on Derek's leg, trying to give Addison Eskimo kisses. Oliver in contrary showed Derek his new crane. The little boy told him, in his baby speech about the crane and Derek looked at it, his arm still around Addison's waist. Her back was now leaning into his chest and his hand was resting just below her breasts.

He struggled if this was the right moment to tell her what he felt. He wanted the moment to be more intimate but wasn't that the most intimate moment of all, together with their kids?

"Don't touch me there," she whispered while his fingers traced out the swell of her breasts.

"Why not," he said softly, his hand still under her cashmere sweater, "parents are allowed to do so." Finishing the sentence he brushed over the lace of the cup and could hear a soft moan escaping her lips. He wanted to show her how he feels that he was about to show more of his love in public. He wanted to. He longed for it. This was his wife, nobody else.

"Derek please," Addison said and he could hear the begging in her voice.

"What if I cannot think of anything else at the moment than your soft skin," he replied by whispering into her ear.

"The kids …"

"They do not see anything."

"But ..." She couldn't finish the sentence because Derek now decided to make another step and let his fingers glide inside the bra, holding her breast, stroking over her nipple with his finger while his mouth was sucking at the area under her ear.

"You smell like strawberries," Derek muffles against her neck. He wanted to taste her and not just the neck of her. "How long will they be up tonight? Can be bring them to bed early? I am not sure how long I can control myself around you tonight."

She gave in a little bit to his touches but he knew what this did to her, too well.

"We could put them down for a nap. Oliver is tired anyway." Both looked at the boy who nearly was about to fall asleep with his crane in hand.

Within minutes both kids were placed in their beds for a short nap. Derek moved, as quickly as he could, downstairs. Addison was just standing at the sink, a glass of water in hand. Seconds later he had her pinned against the fridge, slowly tugging at her cloths.

"I want you," he whispers into her ear.

"God,…" she moaned when he pulled her shirt over her head, already fascinated with the button of her trousers while his lips never left hers.

"I want you, Addison."

"I want you too," she replied.

He cannot remember when he moved but he found himself near the kitchen table again. He pushed her up after moving her trousers down. His mouth found hers, slowly made his way between her breasts and south over her bellybutton.

"You don't need to …"

"But what if I want to?" He made his way between her legs and brought her to orgasm twice without using his fingers before he climbed on the table and kissed her, made her taste herself on his lips. She still was out of breath.

He moved into her quickly, made her gasp. Maybe it was a little rough in the beginning but he couldn't hold back. But he tried to be sweet, hold back, taking his time.

"Oh God, Addison …. I love you," he said when he came. It couldn't be overheard.

Addison didn't reply anything. He was afraid that he did something wrong but noticed a second later that she passed out. Kissing her softly on the lips and her nose brought her back. Those incredible blue orbs looked up at him. She smiled. A bright smile.

"I love you too," was her reply.

"I love you more."

"Derek, I never stopped loving you."

"Never?"

"Never."

"But what about New York?"

"We grew part which doesn't mean I didn't love you then."

"You came after me."

"I did."

"And after prom…" She wanted to turn her head away but he stopped her. He needed to know.

"You broke …" He knew what she wanted to say, he knew that he broke her heart.

"Don't say it." He kissed her. Softly. "I made a huge mistake then."

"We wouldn't have worked out then Derek."

"But now we do. Maybe it was meant to happen."

"Maybe." He could feel her internal muscles squeeze around him, letting him grow hard again.

"You are insatiable Addison."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?" She did it a couple of more times, with an innocent smile on her lips, like a school girl's. But both knew that she was far away from being one. And together they reached again the highs of love.

Later over a couple of wine, cuddled together on the sofa, he tells her again that he loves her, again and again. "I know Addison that I made mistakes, a lot. But you were always on my side, always. Please do not doubt that I love you, love you with all my heart."

Her hand was resting on his thigh, softly moving up and down.

"There are things you haven't told me Addison about New York, what happened there. We still have to think why we grew apart in the first place, I want to know it. I don't want to make this mistake again, whatever it was."

"You got married to your work."

"What do you mean?"

"Somehow, it was our 8th anniversary, the first one you forgot. You called that you are in surgery. You didn't come home. You didn't bring flowers, you said nothing. Not a word. I thought it was being the workload but you forgot my Birthday too. Mark came over, congratulated me. And before you say anything, I didn't sleep with Mark then. It was the first time you came in. Believe me the very first time. You and I slept together, I missed a few periods now and then, twice there was a positive pregnancy test at four weeks but twice there were heavy bleedings, once I was even brought to the ER by Mark. And our sleeping together got rarer, more and more casual. You seldom started it."

He knew she was right. But he didn't know about the visit in the ER, she had never said a word about it, nor did Mark.

"I stopped counting the nights you slept at the hospital after a month or two. I drank too much, went out too much – I did many things wrong."

"You didn't. I did. I shouldn't have been working so much. I shouldn't have …."

"Derek, we cannot change the past we can only work on the future."

"What you did today was brave, Addie."

"Nevertheless it had been a mistake. I have forced her to…"

"No it wasn't Addie. She needs help. She gets help now. I will talk to her if I am allowed to. I should have broken the engagement off the moment we came back to Seattle but I couldn't. I … I thought I owe her something and I never thought that you would fall in love with me."

"Derek, I have never been out of love with you."

He wanted to believe her but he couldn't. He had hurt her in so many ways in the past that this woman cannot have been in love with him over all those years. But maybe it was true. She had called from time to time or sent him an email if something important happened. He never did so. He never wanted to tell her about something new because he was afraid of her reaction.

"What about your life in LA?"

"I have tried to move on but it never really worked, no relationship attempt really worked out. None knew how to handle a Forbes-Montgomery."

"She isn't that hard to handle."

"No?"

"No, you only have to take care of her."

She turned her head a little. "Take care of me?"


	21. Chapter 21

„Why do you think you have to take care of me," Addison asked him and somehow he looked astonished.

"You now that I didn't mean that you have to be taken care of …," she tries to say lou enough. Too well he knows that there is no need for it, he knows that she is good on her own but maybe she was wondering. He didn't mean it like she needs him, no way, but maybe he had his hopes up. Maybe Derek really hoped that she would need him.

"Hey … don't be shocked," she said softly, caressing his chin with her fingers, "I was just curious."

Curious usually means that she wants to know what was up with him, why he said things.

Together they move upstairs to go to bed. When Addison pushed him playfully on the bed, he smiled. Slowly she straddled him. There is a sexy smile on her lips. He studied her face. She seems to be happy, really happy. Her lips looked so soft, so soft and pink. Her outgrowing hair is caressing her neck. Her eyes were greenish this time, pupils dilated. He always loved her Roman nose. She wasn't wearing makeup anymore and he loved her so naturally.

"So," she said with a smile on her lips, her hand pressing softly against his chest. He was on his back, she was sitting over his pelvic. "So, you love me?"

"Of course I do," he replied with a smile on his lips. He loved her that way, playful. Sexy. Arousing.

Softly she unbuttoned the first button of his dress shirt she was wearing. They had eye contact the whole time. He didn't know where to look first – her eyes or the revealing chest.

When she had the shirt unbuttoned to her belly button, his hands still on her hips, she softly caressed his chest through the t-shirt.

"And you like those," she said later on, pulling his hands towards her exposed breasts.

"No…"

"No?"

"I do not like those, I love them. They are still like when we first met. I love the way your nipples …"

"God, Derek …," she chuckles and blushes. It always happened when he said something naughty towards her and those words haven't even been really naughty.  
Derek pushed the shirt from her shoulders and made her lean towards him so he could unfasten the bra. She sat up and had to feel his erection pressed against her butt.

"Those are perfect, you know. Round and heavy, the perfect nipples on top which I love to pucker… like now. And there is still the small birth mark under your left breast," he said and let his fingers dance towards it. "You are so sensitive there." He could watch her close her eyes and take a deep breath when his fingers outlined her breasts.

"You are so beautiful."

"Derek, you want to make me blush."

He longed to be in her in this very moment. He wanted to watch her rise above him and sink down again. He wanted to see her heavy breathing, feel her hands on his thighs when she bent backwards so he would move over her g-spot. He wanted to tuck her nipples before she came to push her over the edge.

"No, I don't want to make you blush beautiful, I just want to make you mine."

"I am already yours, Derek. I am and will always be."

"You make me so hard."

"I can feel it," she said and let his hand dance over his erection before she grabbed him harder. "And I love it. I love the idea that I can still make you hard."

"I am dancing around you in a state of arousal day by day."

She smiled and let his lips brush against his in a soft and slow kiss, passionate. Derek's hands cupped her breasts slowly, kneading them. She moaned into his mouth.

"You know," he said when they parted, "that you have the most perfect back, I love your muscles, the way the play when you hover over me." His hands were now outracing her spine.

"You are wearing too much, Derek."

Within seconds he was out of his shirts and trousers and she was sitting in her lace panties. His erection was hot and he didn't know how long he could handle this whole situation. He already knew that he wouldn't be able to give her much time to orgasm before him because he needed release soon.

"I want to be inside too."

"Derek, you already have been …"

"I cannot get enough of you. I want to be inside you day and night. I cannot think straight around you. And today you saved us, you saved our family."

"Derek," she said as tears welled into her eyes.

"Don't cry Addie, it was the most …. I cannot describe it. I love you so much."

"I love you too Derek."

"You were so hot when I saw you with the ultra sound, proving your point. So hot …."

Derek could feel her move over his erection, "Addie you have to stop."

"I don't want to," she said with girlish voice. "I want to be naughty."

"God …" were the only words he could say when she let her breasts brush over his chest and slowly moved southward. She pushed his boxers down, licked her lips before she let her tongue swirl over the top of his penis. "God, Addie … I won't last …," were the only words he could mumble. She was taking him in all the way, he could feel the roof of her mouth against him. She was sucking him in while her hands were playing with his testicles. He wouldn't last, not another second.

"Addie, please, I want to be inside you." But she wasn't giving him any hope to stop her torture. It was sweet torture. Her next move gave him the rest – he came hard and she didn't stop the licking, sucking and swirling her tongue over him. He screamed her name more than once while he cam

After a few minutes she was situated next to him her arm around his chest. "I love you so much, it nearly broke my heart."

"Addie?"

"You and Meredith … when we came back from New York."

"You never talk so open about your feelings."

"Maybe this was the mistake the first time. I want things to work out. I want us to be a family."

"God, Addie," he said and pulled her towards him. Slowly he started to kiss her but she broke away.

"Not everything is about sex Derek. I love to have sex with you, it is incredible but … I want more. I want you."

"But you have me."

"I want to be held."

"I will hold you."

"Will?"

"I want to be inside you."

"You have been inside me."

"Again."

"You are ready again," she whispered softly into his ear.

"Always."

"But at your age," she said with a giggle and a second later he was tickling her, they rolled from one end of the bed the other and laughed.

"Hey, you are not that much younger than I am," he replied with a full belly laugh.

They fell asleep without sleeping together another time in each others arms. He held her like she would run away during the night but she wasn't. He watched her sleeping form for hours; he loved her face, her hands and the way her breasts were pressed against his chest. So perfect. Too perfect. Derek loved to sleep with her but their relationship shouldn't just be about sex, it should be a trustful relationship in which you can talk about everything or just cuddle up on the sofa for a night.

~*~

"Mama," Oliver giggled while spitting out his breakfast again.

"Honey you have to eat this."

"Mama," he said again and refused to open his mouth afterwards.

Derek watched the scene from the door. His wife was dressed in a flimsy silk robe which had already fallen open a little but wasn't reveling much – unfortunately he thought. Just watching the top of her breasts made him already slightly hard and he asked himself how was going to work around her.

"Sweaty open your mouth and eat something…. I can't wait the moment to come when you eat on your own."

"Hopefully this wont be too soon because I love watching you …" Then she turned around and noticed Derek in the doorway.

"I think that this isn't that thrilling."

"But I love watching you, especially in a slight furious state like this."

"I am not furious."

"No but shortly before telling him that he won't get breakfast at all."

Her look said that he was right, she was shortly before telling the little boy that this was his last chance to get something to eat before lunch.

"You know Addie, sometimes I feel like I could wake up every minute and all this had been a dream."

"I know what you are talking about."

"Can I ask you something?"

"I don't think that the time is right for some intimate talk. They are having breakfast and …"

"If it is that what you want to push it to dinner."

"Thanks. So, handsome, can you try your smile on him and make him eat because I have to get dressed."

Derek walked towards her, let his hands rest on her shoulders. "I like what you wear," he whispered into her ear and let his breath touch the skin under her hear, let his hands softly wander around her waist. "I like the way robes can fall open."

"Derek," she said with a deeper voice than usually, her breathing slightly enhanced.

~*~

The tension at Seattle Grace's was bearable but not much more. Cristina wouldn't talk to Derek nor ask to scrub in on any of his surgeries. There were seconds he felt like the things that happened to Meredith had been his fault but he knew that it wasn't like it. This hysterical pregnancy was not his fault. He told her to back off, he told her that he wanted (and still wants) his marriage to work. Didn't he even say that he is in love with Addison?

"Have a minute," he heard Baileys voice and suddenly fell back to earth from his state of trance.

"Sure."

"Addie isn't herself today."

"How do you mean?"

"The interns … I think it was Cristina who talked to them and make her bully Addison. You know not high school bullying but well, get out of her way, not work with her …"

"And does she care?"

"Think so."

"She feels bad about it too but it was the only way to get the truth."

"You don't have to tell me," she said in her typical Nazi tone, "I never believed in that pregnancy at all but it wasn't mine to say something."

Derek nodded. Maybe some others had noticed it too. Just not him, in the beginning. "Shall I go upstairs and talk to her?"

"I think she already left."

"But it's …" he looked at his watch and it was already 3pm, of course she had left. "Maybe I should leave earlier today too."

"You cannot. Big car accident coming in ten. We'll need a neurologist."

"There are others."

"But you are the best and there are two kids involved."

Kids. Derek told himself that Bailey always knew what made him stay. He wanted to be home, talk to Addison but eventually he would be home late, if at all. He told himself that there was no chance he would sleep in an on call room, if there was his wife waiting at home.  
He wanted to talk to her about a baby. He wanted to ask her if there were any chances, if they could try something but for sure this wasn't the right moment to push her into this corner she might not be able to escape because he didn't any details about her medical conditions.

And it was midnight when he came out of the OP and he had lost the fight against a bleeding this time. Of course this was more than bugging him, he hated to lose, especially if it was about kids, innocent kids.

In a hurry he changed out of his scrubs and into street wear.

"You leaving," Karev said annoyed.

"Yep, going home to my wife."

"Ruining another life."

Derek stared at him for a second. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Meredith. You ruined her life, her career, everything."

"I didn't do a fucking thing."

"You were engaged and married another woman. You married your ex-wife and didn't even ask how Meredith was feeling! You had a married wife at home and fucked her at her house."

"Watch your mouth."

"You haven't been there with her, endless nights of crying because you abandoned her for Addison, again. You used her to have sex, even at your fucking family home, while the kids were upstairs. You have a wife; it's your matrimonial right, if you need somebody to fuck."

"I don't think that this is any of your business."

"It is because I care for Meredith. She had always been there for us and you, if I remember correctly. After you tried again with Addison years back, she was there, she took you back. She took care of you every fucking minute and didn't care what people might think, engaged to her boss for years. She didn't say a word about you being married to Addison again, playing family. She only cried, days and nights."

"I told her about the marriage."

"Telling … I mean you left in a hurry for Los Angeles, rescued two babies in New York and got married … within what? … Three days?"

Derek knew about it. He knew that this wasn't easy on him at all because his marriage could have failed too.

"Nevertheless, Dr. Karev, this is none of your business and I please you to excuse me now because I have a wife and two kids waiting for me."

At home he crawled into bed towards his wife. She hadn't been waiting but he could see that she had set the table for two and cooked. He had been hungry but in this very moment it broke his heart. He wanted to feel her body against his and show her that they weren't going to end like in New York, he came home. He knew where his home is.

"You are home," she mumbled in sleep.

"Of course I am home, honey." Derek said and pressed his naked body against his wife's. He was able to feel the warm silk against his skin.

"It's late …"

"I want to feel you."

"Derek…."

"We haven't …"

"Derek we have had sex yesterday."

"And?"

She rolled over to face him. She was smiling at him but not the sexy, you seduced me smile, but the one that says – I am glad that you are with me.

"I am still sore," she whispers softly.

"I have been too rough."

"No, no … I liked it … a lot. My body just isn't used to have sex that often with such …," not finishing the sentence she pulled his lips towards her and plunged her tongue into his mouth. Immediately his hands were on her but, pressing her body against him.

"You are insatiable," she said.

"God, Addie … I get a hard-on as soon as you are in the same room with me."

She laughed. "I don't think so."

"Why not believing me?"

"Because I can remember times …"

"I have changed. I want you. I wanted you from the day I headed to Los Angeles to get you. You have been so vulnerable. But you trusted me. You didn't even say a word when I changed you into dry cloths."

"You did …"

"Yes … I saw you naked and you didn't care. I wasn't looking at your beautiful features in this moment and this didn't arouse me but being next to you, smelling your remarkable sent, knowing that your soft skin was just a millimeter away from me … "

"Derek, don't …"

"I am addicted to you. I cannot sleep somewhere else anymore. I need to have you near me."

"God…" She probably could feel his erection pressed against her center because he could feel the wetness which was increasing.

"I need you like I need to breath."

"Hm…"

"I cannot believe that I was ever able to exist without you. That I worked without you."

"You did well, as far as I have been told."

"Crap."

"Okay …"

He slowly let the tip of his penis find its way. He rolled them over, so he was on top of her. "I cannot think straight anymore." And with that he trusted into her and she moaned. Loud.

"God you are big."

"Don't …"

"I always liked that. You can reach points in me nobody ever has been able to touch."

"My ego is blooming."

"Nothing wrong with that. Give me a second, Derek."

"I cannot move now at all if you don't want this to be over in two seconds." She laughed. "Stop it, Addie."

In the beginning his trusts were soft, long, building up tension. But she begged him to do her harder, begged and writhed under him to give her more. This was the old Addison, this was the Addison he fell in love with.

"Derek …. More … faster … harder…" How is a man about to think straight in a situation like this? Her legs had long found their way over his shoulders; his lips were locked with his while he was banging into her. It wasn't making love anymore, it was sex. Hard, real life sex.

Afterward her face was on his shoulder, her arms slung around him and a leg resting over his. His favorite position.

"I cannot remember the time we didn't have sex."

"So everything is about sex for you," Derek joked back.

She sat up and looked at him. He thought if he said something wrong, wasn't funny enough. The blanket was around her hips exposing her naked chest. He wanted to touch but he was able to tell his hands not to have a brain on their own and let her say what she had to say before touching her.

"Maybe in the beginning," Addison said staring against the opposite wall. Derek remembered the words his mother said to him, she might offer herself. "Maybe in the beginning I hoped that sex would …"

"You don't need to say anything Addie."

"I want you to know it. I want to be honest with you and not swallow things down."

"Okay … but I really don't need to know."

"I thought that with giving you sex … I didn't think that this would be so hard … I thought that if I offer you sex you will stay with me."

"I would have nevertheless."

"You don't know what I mean Derek … you touched me but I kind of pushed you away all the time but I realized that a husband has sex on a regular base, it is one of the benefits being married."

"I don't think that this is some right I have. I love you that's why I want to have sex with you."

"Now," she said and hugged her knees up to her chest.

"Always. My mom said that you would maybe offer sex but for me it was no offer. I wanted to sleep with you, I wanted to make love to you."

"Are you saying that at Christmas …"

"It was making love."

She stared at him and he could read in her eyes that she didn't believe him.

"I was glad that you finally allowed me to touch you. I wasn't sure why so suddenly but we had touched back in Seattle than too, shared a bed and fell asleep cuddled up there. I mean I really needed to touch you and if you wouldn't … I mean … I am not sure how much longer I would have survived. You going out with Callie or alone, meeting other guys, probably kissing, letting him touch you …"

"I never …"

"But it was your intention."

She didn't reply. He knew that he was right on this but also knew that she couldn't go through with her plan because she, even then, loved him.

"Don't Addison, just forget it. I love you, I always have and this wont change anything between us. Back at Christmas we made the first step to the point we are now and I don't want to miss a single second of it because everything was important, meant to be. You are the rock in my life, my constant."

"Derek…," she said, turned towards him, leaned forward and kissed him. His hands quickly found their way into her hair, holding the curtain back to study her eyes better. But those were closed.

"Look at me," he softly whispered and she opened her eyes. "Forget what happened Addison. I love you and I always will. Forget what happened, forget about the fights at work – things will smooth down again."

"They really blame me and I am about to blame but I couldn't watch her destroying my family."

"I know. And I really thank you because you have been so brave to make this step."

"Brave? I was completely out of my mind. I couldn't think straight, only that I will lose everything as soon as the baby is born."

"You really thought I'd leave you?"

"You would have and I couldn't have blamed you, your own flesh and blood."

"You can give me my own too."

"I cannot."

"There are ways."

"I don't want to talk about it now, Derek. Let's sleep."

They fell asleep together in each others arms and the following days Derek didn't dare to ask her about having a baby but he wanted to. He was waiting for the right moment to come and he knew that things wouldn't get easier if they may start with some treatments. Addison on extra hormones could complicate their marriage, her relationship to the twins and influence her work. But he told himself that it would be worth it. She always wanted a baby. Of course they had two wonderful children but those weren't his flesh and blood. He loved Oliver and Lilian but he longed to hold a newborn in his arms, see her grow with the baby over the weeks and be there for her during labor. He wanted the whole package and he knew that maybe he wouldn't be able to get it because it had to be her baby and no surrogate.


	22. Chapter 22

Work was bothering Derek day by day now. People were blaming him and Addison for what happened to Meredith without thinking that maybe she had been a little crazy before the hysterical pregnancy. Of course Derek tried his best to shield all the troubles off Addison but sometimes it was impossible.

After lunch he walked in between an argument between Addison and Cristina.

"I won't let you scrub one of my surgeries if you talk like that with me."

"You have to differ between personal and professional life."

"Oh, so you Cristina differ between those two? Wow, that's something new to me."

"What the fuck do you mean?"

"You always sleep with surgeons so you can scrub into their surgeries and you really think that nobody noticed the way you chose men."

"I think it's not for you to tell me about men."

"No? I am married, you are not."

"He married you to save those kids from foster care."

Before Addison could reply anything and Cristina eventually said something she would even regret more in the future than she said now, he stepped in between.

"Hey….. Stop it. Who do you think you are Cristina? Don't talk to her like that."

"I can speak for myself Derek," Addison replied angrily.

"Of course you can but I don't like people talking like this to my wife. So go Cristina before I …"

Without any more words she walked away. He watched Addison moving her hand nervously through her hair.

"I cannot work like this."

"Things will smooth down Addie."

"Maybe the best would be to move back to LA."

"Hey … I am still standing in front of you, babe."

"I cannot walk like this. Everybody blames me and I am about to blame but not in this way. I won't work with somebody in an OR who calls me names."

"You don't have to."

"No?"

"No, which one do you want?"

"I'd like Izzie but I cannot have her back, Callie does another profession and Arizona … well, that could work."

"Okay, I will talk to Richard about Arizona and you, maybe we can figure something out till they calmed down."

"Hopefully."

Suddenly her cell phone rang. "Who is it?"

"The nanny," she said with a suspicious look on her face.

"Hey, what's up? … Sure … ouch … pack them into the car and come here. See you."

"What happened?"

"Oliver fell; he'll need a few stitches as far as I can tell via telephone diagnoses."

"Stitches, that bad?"

"Coffee table corner."

"Ouch. We only talked about those plastic things, didn't we, we never bought them."

"Exactly."

"So," he started to whisper into her ear, "I thought about the two of us, an on-call-room …"

"Derek," she said and he could watch her blush rise up her neck.

"I thought about you on top …"

"Not now Derek and you are insatiable." When he let his hands rest on her hips she pushed him away. "I said not now Derek, don't you understand it."

Over the next few weeks the tension in Seattle Grace slowly grew back to normal, only the relationship between Cristina and Addison didn't get back on trail. Every surgery Cristina wanted to scrub in was done by Alex. Addison argued with him about his behavior but he was talented. She even told him so various times in Derek's presents.

The days went bay pretty quickly and soon it became summer. In May both kids were really well running and the house was a mess most of the time because they tried to grab everything available. Of course Derek didn't forget about the problems they had been through the beginning of the year, not Meredith's hospitalization nor the death of Betsy but Addison was coping well with all those troubles. At least that's how it seemed to Derek.

"Hey you, you are up late," Addison said towards Derek who was sitting in the study over some calculations. They never had to bother about money and Derek never really cared since he was working in Seattle because they always have had a lot of it. At least Addison.

He didn't tell her yet that his heart was beating for a child on his own and that he did some study on invitro. He read a lot on it. Again. He wanted to know for sure what he was asking her to do. She always knew all the pros and cons on those things but this time he was asking her to get one herself and not to do it for a patient. A big difference.

He was asking for a child on his own and he didn't want to wait for a long time because they both weren't getting any younger. But he didn't know how to do it.

"What are you reading?" She asked and he shut the articles on Firefox down before she could see anything.

"Nothing important."

"Derek?"

"Like I said Addison, it is nothing important."

"But it is already two in the morning."

"I don't have surgery before noon so I just forgot time."

"Der…"

Just in this very moment he noticed that he had forgotten the printouts from the medical journal he tried to read the day before. Derek tried to hide them but she turned them around, grabbed them quickly and he could see her eyes wander over the marked lines.

"Derek," she said questioning the papers in her hand.

He didn't know what to say. He wanted to plan a moment, share his ideas and hopes with her and didn't want her to find it out this way. He could see her eyes getting more glassy and that she was about to walk away.

"Don't Addison. Don't walk away."

"I mean … Derek … you really think …"

"Yes I do and the chances are good that it will work. You are healthy and everything."

"But isn't it also my decision?"

"Also yes. I just wanted to inform myself."

"Derek, I am not sure…."

"Addison, we could have a baby on our own, somebody with your looks and my brain."

She softly giggled. "No, hopefully my brain."

"But I want her to have your eyes and hair so the only thing that I can give is my brain."

"I am not sure."

"Addison, let us try it or at least let us talk about it."

Derek stood up and walked towards her, his fingers touched her chin softly to make him look into her eyes. "Addison, I love you and I want to have a child with you."

"But I cannot give it to you."

"We can try the artificial way and it will work, I am sure."

"You can never be sure because … Derek …. I only have two eggs left …"

"Two chances."

"Derek, don't … maybe you get into something you cannot have … it would destroy me." She was softly crying against his chest when he held her tightly. He understood her sorrows and the angst that it may not work. That maybe they will try, get their hopes up and lose everything. He also knew that he maybe is risking his marriage by asking for this.

Artificial insemination needs two strong people behind it, two who won't break easily. He knew that he could go through it but he wasn't sure if she was ready for it. If she would ever be ready for it because Derek knew that if it wouldn't work she would break. She would be broken and there was nothing that may fix it.

But everybody knew that life wasn't always easy and that sometimes the easiest way wasn't the best one. Maybe be it was the easiest but not the one which really fit your life.

"Addison, I wasn't to try it."

"I am not sure, what if it doesn't work?"

"We can ask Naomi to do it."

Addison nodded. Somebody to relay on was maybe the best part of all that plus she trusted her with her life.

"We can," she said and let him hold her for a little bit. He loved the way she smelled and the fact that her hair was all tousled from being already in bed.

"Let's get to bed Addie, and we'll talk about it tomorrow after dinner."

He didn't tell her that he wanted to call Naomi and ask her for her opinion because he knew that she would be against it. He didn't tell her because he knew about the fear which would be rising. He took Addison from Naomi and she never completely understood the move but showing her Oliver and Lilian would probably make his wife's best friend melt. Hopefully.

_May 16__th_

_Derek asked me about a baby or let me put it the right way, I found out that he wants a baby. We have two healthy wonderful children and now he wants one on his own. I cannot give him what he asks for the natural way so he wants me to go through IVF. But what if we fail? What if I cannot get pregnant?  
I hadn't realized how important this own child is for him. I learned to life with the fact that there wont be little Addisons' years ago. It had never been an easy topic but I told him about this problem when we got married the second time._

_I am comfortable with my life. Work is hell at the moment but it slowly gets better. Only every second day they blame me for what I did to Meredith._

_It is always me they blame – if Derek wouldn't have brought me back, if Derek wouldn't have married me a second time, if Derek this and if Derek that. Sometimes I only want to run but then I come home and see those smiles and Lilian who is able to say "Mama" now and babbles happily. And of course Oliver who got really addicted to all Lego stuff for his age and not to forget his stuffed rabbit, without he won't leave the house._

_What if these attempts of artificial insemination don't work? He will move on sooner or later even if he doesn't say so. He would and I can understand this decision because he has the right to have children on his own._

_He tell me that he loves me, he tells me every day and I dearly love him but this isn't paradise we live in. It is reality and reality is never nice._

Maybe he pushes her too much, maybe he asks for too much – but he knows. He always wanted to share a pregnancy with her, since the day they met he imagined how it would be to cut the cord after birth, how it would be to watch her nursing an infant. Maybe it wasn't meant to be; maybe they just have to help reality a little.

In the first week of June was Naomi's Birthday and they finally had a reason to head south with the twins. Derek decided to go by car because they were at an age, you don't want them in a plane because they want to babble, scream, throw food and do all the crazy things you are eventually ashamed of.

Addison had changed over the last weeks. She had gotten calmer, more silent. He noticed. He even tried to get Callie to talk to her but she blocked. His wife was in her own world in the very moment thinking a lot.  
But she let him touch her, let him hold her and they even slept together. It wasn't that passionate.

"Talk to me Addie," he said while heading towards Sam's house.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. Tell me. You are so awfully silent."

"Just been thinking."

"Share?"

"Not now Derek, it's personal."

"I am your husband."

"Please Derek. You don't play fair asking me such things in such a tiny room. I cannot run…"

"I don't want you to run Addison; I want you to be honest with me. If you don't want to go through IVF, tell me now because then I will not ask Naomi about it."

She didn't give a straight answer; she only stared out of the window. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. She lost a little weight and she looks more tired, is easier exhausted but this could also be blamed on the kids because Oliver rarely slept through the night the last weeks, his stomach was bothering him. It took them more than a week to figure out that it could be lactose that makes him miserable. Plus they didn't share a lot of dinners over the last few weeks because Richard had been on a sick call and Derek stepped into his role as a chief. Addison never commented on it, she seemed to like the share of time she had for herself. Friends had been over, Callie and her shared some movie nights – girls stuff.

"Addison, what's wrong with you?" He asked again and again when they pulled into the driveway of Addison's old residence in Los Angeles. She hadn't rented it out, just paid a cleaning lady to keep an eye on it and nevertheless Sam was living next to it.

"Give me some space, Derek," was the only reply he got for the whole afternoon. He was miserable about bugging her, pressing her to make a decision but maybe it would be the right time, maybe their relationship needed something, something that would make them work on it.

They kids were playing in the sand and Derek was watching them closely. Sam wasn't yet home and Addison was nowhere to be seen. He noticed around dinnertime that he car was gone. Of course he was thinking about where she might have gone but on the other hand she still had friends there, wanted to talk to somebody about the recent developments.

He put the babies in the traveling cribs they had brought with them and after taking a shower he went to bed, worrying about where she might still be but not even calling made her come back because her cell was down on the kitchen counter. She may had her reasons.

Later that night somebody crawled into the bed with him. He could smell the alcohol on her breath and he assumed that as soon as her head hit the pillow she was out dead. It was one of the classical Forbes-Montgomery ways to deal with problems – alcohol, usually Gin.

He knew that she would be cranky in the morning when he put an arm around her waist and headed back to sleep.

When he got up he put a big glass of water and some aspirin next to her. And he decided to take the kids for a walk and buy some grocery.

"Derek," a voice said from behind when he crossed the street towards Ocean Side Wellness.

"Naomi, good to see you," he replied and hugged her.

"Let me see the reason why Addison left us behind." With those words she walked around and smiled at the twins. "I think I can understand it now." When she got up again she looked deeply into Derek's eyes. "So why are you walking up here without Addison? Something has to be bothering you."

"I don't know if I can easily talk with you about it without breaking any laws."

"Did you kill Addison in sleep?"

"God no," he replied and both had to laugh. "It's something medical."

"Derek?"

"Could we maybe go upstairs? Those want out of the stroller and eventually eat some fruits. I cannot talk about it here on the street."

"And you are sure that Addison won't kill me for talking with you about whatever that secret might be?"

"You know Addison, she might kill you anyway."

"I don't like what I hear so far."

"Let's sit down, have some coffee and talk. Okay?"

An hour later they were finally situated in Naomi's office, the kids playing with Cooper at Ocean Side's. Derek was nervous, really nervous because he knew that he was going behind Addison's back and this had never been his intention in the first place. He wanted to check the possibilities before pushing her into something that might even not work.

"So what is the matter?"

"IVF."

"You talked her into it?"

"No, I asked her if she might give it a thought."

"No you did it differently. You went behind her back first."

"She told you?"

"Yes," Naomi replied with a deep sigh. "And this was absolute bullshit style."

"I know. I just wanted to know a few things before I ask for something."

"This has always been hard on her since she found out that she has only two eggs left. We gave it a thought before, you know, when she came down the first time. She was angry with me but I doubt that it will work with her own two eggs. I don't want to give her hope on this because the chances are pretty low."

"Nae …"

"Don't Derek. You have had ages to make a baby together but it was always your career."

"Don't blame me for the past, I cannot change it."

"So be happy with what you have."

Derek looked at her. He knew that she was right with what she just said but it wasn't that easy. He wanted his own flesh and blood and this was scaring him. It was also scaring him that he might be able to love his own baby more than the twins.

"But will you make an appointment with us and …"

"If Addison also wants it."

"It is just an appointment. Nothing more."

"We can do it but she has to be in the boot, Derek. I don't go behind her back."

"Thanks Naomi. Don't think that this is easy for me. It isn't. I know what I am asking for – and I don't speak of the hormones, the shots, the difficulty of the two eggs, the chance of about 20 percent that it might work and we only have one attempt."

"You did your research well."

"I didn't go behind her back. I wanted to know details and I couldn't ask her."

"I understand it Derek. But the chances are even lower. We can try but don't get your or Addie's hopes up because there might be no miracle."

"Thanks anyway. So how are things here anyway?"

She told him about the new developments. Sam had hired a new gynecologist because after Addison left, Dell worked on his own and this wasn't the best solution found yet. Mothers in labor also want an OB/GYN on their side if something may happen. The new one was a man, Sam and he weren't coming along well.

Derek told her about the Meredith things and found out that Addison hadn't spoken to Naomi in weeks and never told her about the fake pregnancy. He wondered why she knew about the IVF but not about everything went through with Meredith.

"Maybe you should go home and look after her?" Maybe Naomi's suggestion was right, it was after lunch anyway and Cooper hat patients to look after for sure. Derek headed upstairs, after saying goodbye to Naomi and found Charlotte and Cooper sound asleep with his kids on the sofa. This picture made him smile and reminded him a lot of the first days he had spent with the twins.

"Where have you been?" Addison questioned furiously when he entered the house.

"For a walk."

"Don't lie to me."

"I walked towards Ocean Side …"

"No you didn"t'!"

"I did Addison and calm down, why are you yelling at me anyway?"

"Because… because …"

Derek walked towards her and pulled her into a tight embrace against her will. In the beginning she tried to wiggle out of it but soon she gave in and let him just hold her.

"Talk to me Addie, talk to me!"

"What do you want me to say?" Her voice was already filled with tears.

After a long pause, the only noise that filled the room was the ocean, he whispered into her ear. "I want my Addison back. I want to see the passion in your eyes. If it means that we don't try the IVF it is okay with me, I only want my Addison back – the passionate doctor and mother, surgeon and wife."

For a long time they were sitting on the sofa, he had pulled her into his lap and she was crying against his shoulder till no more tears wanted to come. His hands were brushing through her hair; his other hand was making small circles on her exposed back. Numerous times he whispered "I love you" into her ear, tightened and loosened the embrace he was holding her in.

A/N: sorry that it took me so long to update but I have been busy grading papers. I want to thank everybody for R&R and my beloved Beta for all the work she puts into this fic.


	23. Chapter 23

But she wasn't back and probably pushing her into this situation has been a huge mistake because Derek felt worse and worse knowing that she was punishing herself for not being able to have children on her own, without medical help. She closed herself more and more out, also from the kids. He wasn't used to her this way because the children usually always came first. Things changed the moment they left Seattle because … Derek didn't know why and he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the real reason. He had more or less kidnapped her in autumn the last year from Los Angeles, brought her to New York, knowing that she always felt responsible for the friends of them and now she was back, the first time.

She was gone the whole day. Derek called Sam, Naomi even Maya to see where she would be but she hadn't been seen. Before the sun went down a car headed towards the house and Derek walked outside.

"Derek," a strangely familiar voice asked and Derek nodded towards the man, "I am Pete, I worked with Addison … well …. I didn't find her but the barkeeper called me because we know each other and he remembered her … I think she has had enough for today."

Derek sighed and asked Pete in. Addison wasn't protesting nor did she comment on anything. He carried her upstairs to the bed, unclothed her and walked downstairs.

"Can I offer you some coffee? Tea?"

"Tea would be nice."

"I already cleaned out all alcohol. We aren't yet in Los Angeles for four days and it happened the

second time. I don't know why."

Pete sat down outside on the porch where Oliver and Lilian were playing with small cars.

"Those are the reason why she left?"

"Yes, I'd say so."

"I understand it now. It had been hard on her that she isn't able to get pregnant herself."

"Really?"

"What did you think? She was crying for days. She didn't show it but as soon as she was on her own things were really bad."

"I didn't know …. Maybe that's the reason … I asked if we could try IVF."

Pete only stared at Derek and it felt like it was with disbelieve.

Over tea the two men sat together and talked about some medical developments. They tried to talk about Addison and Pete told Derek about the weeks she was in pain and the first days she had to feel with pregnant patients again. Both developed the fact that the chance it would work was incredible low, only about two eggs left isn't a big chance.

When he went to bad that night Addison was still passed out. He wanted to force her to speak with him but Forbes-Montgomerys weren't good in speaking about their problems, usually they construct a wall around it, carefully, and tell themselves that it is the perfect way to deal with a problem. He had seen it too often with her parents.

"Addison," he said when he walked downstairs, carrying Oliver and Lilian. He could smell coffee.

"Please don't speak," were the only words coming from her mouth.

She looked like hell. Dark circles under her eyes, pale, hair a mess, still only wearing a huge t-shirt and panties.

The next thing he saw of her was her back when she was running towards the bathroom, emptying her stomach. He would lie to himself if he would say that he wasn't sorry for her this morning.

Before he could stop Olivier, the baby was toddling into the bathroom. He didn't hear her screaming as he thought she might do, there was some speaking but he wanted to give her some privacy.

"Can you look after the children? I will get us some breakfast, fresh fruits …"

"I am not hungry Derek."

"But maybe I am and the kids?"

She nodded when he left. And this time he took his time. He bought fresh fruits, some flowers, more aspirin and bagels.

When he entered the house he noticed that the TV was running and the weather was getting worse.

A thunderstorm was announced on the radio and he knew how much Addison liked watching thunderstorms over the ocean. He had his hopes up that this might calm her down a little bit.

They shared breakfast without many words; she only had coffee and water, and played with the kids. The ordered lunch arrived on time before he put the kids to bed. Addison on the contrary was sitting in one of the big chairs, reading a book. Instead of taking care of the twins she preferred going through more than thousand pages of 'Anna Karenina'. He didn't ask. He gave up.

The moment he came downstairs again, she was already waiting at the porch door.

"I am going for a run," she said, wearing her sport gear.

"It's about to rain, Addie."

"I am back before it starts, I know LA and I know the weather."

He didn't reply, there was no time for it. She was already gone. When she wasn't back by 7pm and the thunderstorm was raging over Los Angeles he got really worried. Even on the way to Sam's house he got wet to the skin.

"Sam," he said, pounding against the porch door. He opened and without waiting for a word of him,

Derek gave Sam the key to Addison's house and only told him, "please look after the kids, I have to search the beach for Addison."

Sam didn't answer or Derek didn't listen. He had put the kids into the living room with enough toys a whole kindergarten.

He ran through the wet sand, his shoes discharged already somewhere on the way. He was nearly not able to see his own hand in front of his eyes, the rain got harder and harder and the sand in his eyes in a mixture with the salt of the sea didn't make it any easier.

Maybe he was running along the beach for half an hour maybe an hour but it got darker and darker.

Slowly he noticed the contour of a person sitting on the beach, the tide crashing this person's legs. He didn't slow down, he ran and ran, his legs getting heavier. Running through sand, wet or dry, always wore him out. He stopped the moment he could see her.

She was sitting there not speaking to him when he sat down behind her, not moving, not looking at

him. After a couple of minutes he stood up and became pretty angry, how could she let herself go like this knowing that there are two kids at home? He grabbed her hand and pulled her up, dragged her all the way home, partly carrying. Of course Addison protested in the beginning but he couldn't fight him. She hit him against his back, when he had slumped her over his shoulder, she called him names, screamed at him to let her down but he didn't. Once again he had to be the adult and make her see the point.

He let her down on the sofa, risking ruining it because of her wet sandy form. She was still yelling at him but he wasn't listening. Sam excused himself in the second they entered the house.

"Shit the fuck up Addison now," he finally yelled back. He wanted to slap her to get her attention but of course he didn't do it, he would never ever slap a woman. Nobody. "I say it one more time Addison, shut the fuck up and listen to me." He was sure that he would wake the twins but in the very moment he had other troubles than two kids screaming upstairs.

Finally she looked up.

"If you don't want to try saying it but don't get yourself in danger by sitting on the beach in a fucking thunderstorm, don't run, got get alcohol poisoning – just say it. Say that you don't want to try it and we won't do it. It's simple. Just say it."

She didn't say anything.

"Say it because I won't watch you ruin yourself. If you want to kill yourself because you are afraid that we won't get pregnant do it but then you are acting cowardly. You have two kids upstairs who go first. Don't you think that I know about the risks?"

She was still silent.

"I did my research on the chances that's why I didn't tell you in the first place. I didn't want my hopes up. I know the risks, believe me."

"You don't have a fucking clue Derek, you don't. Usually, as soon as there is a problem you start to run and for the first time I decided to run, to clear my head and not to flee from my responsibilities. I know that I have two toddlers upstairs and I knew that they were save when I leave so don't play this fucking card against me. You don't know what woman go through when they start IVF, you don't.

You may have read about it but you have never seen it. You wouldn't have to take hormones and they wouldn't put quite a few medical equipment into your most private parts. Derek and you don't feel the loss when the bleeding may starts, the PMS sets in or you lose the baby before the end of the first trimester? No you don't so shut up."

She stood up and went for the shower, because before he had been able to handle all her words, he already heard the water run.

Attempt number two. On his way upstairs he lost all his wet cloths and walked into the bathroom.

"Don't fucking leave me like this," Derek says and walks into the shower stall where she was standing under the hot spray, the room already filled with steam. He pushes her against the files and stood under the spray in the same moment.

"Derek, don't …"

"What do you not want me to do?" His hand was already on her breast, a little rough.

"Don't be an egoistic bastard."

"I am not," he said and tugged on her erected nipple. "I am not. If I wouldn't love you like I do, I would have let you be outside in the rain and die of pneumonia."

Those were the last words he said before his mouth was crashing against hers. For a moment she tried to push him away with her hands but seconds later her mouth opened and her hands were all over his body.

"Do it Derek," she moaned when he tortured her breast a little more.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Angry sex …," she nearly whispered.

"What do you mean?" he nearly whispered into her ear knowing exactly how she liked angry sex the way back when they were freshly married in NY.

"It doesn't work if you need instructions!" And as soon as this sentence ended his lips was on hers and he had her pressed against the wall. Without asking if she would be ready or not he pushed into her with one fast stroke. He could not overhear her moaning against his ear and her tightly locked legs around his waist. She wasn't working against him but also not with him, but she encouraged him to go faster down on her and harder. He plunged fiercely into her and her moaning grew louder.

Within seconds there were on the rug outside the shower and without thinking twice he bite down on her nipple hard, harder than he intended. She screamed. But they didn't stop, she didn't stop him.

He still moved hard into her, her legs now over his shoulders, attacking her lips. Her nails were making him nearly scream, tracing blood down his back.

"Harder," she only moaned and he knew that he wouldn't be able to go much harder without really hurting her.

But she forced him to. Maybe she wanted the pain. They had done quite some kinky stuff but never tried it back in Seattle. While plunging into her, his eyes were locked with hers, they never broke eye contact. Ever. Her blue orbs were pleading for more. But he also realized that he couldn't hold on for much longer. Quickly he moved his hands between their bodies and rubbed her on the most sensitive spot. He could feel her pulse against his body. One last hard thrust and he erupted into her.

The next time he opened his eyes his body was crushing hers but he didn't care. He tried to control his breathing but it was nearly impossible. Every limb of her his body hurt from taking her on the hard tile floor of the bathroom. Suddenly he realized that he had caused her pain, that he was still hurting her. He tried to move his body but was not able because she was holding him down.

"Addie, dear, let me move."

"No."

"Please, I am crashing you."

"No your not."

"Why don't we move this to the bed?"

"Just a little longer."

He didn't ask. He let her hold him for some more time till both got cold.

They didn't talk, not on the way to bed nor there. He didn't ask questions and there were no answers he longed to hear. But he showed her that he cared about her. Without resistance she let him pull her against him, let him kiss her cheek, her lips. She didn't push him away but encouraged him to do more, to touch her, feel her, smell her and taste her.

They had sex a second time this night but much slower. It was making love and not some angry ritual to forget the sorrows of the day. He let her be on top, let her go her speed. It felt incredible to him to know that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Not only had they longed for each others body but also the others soul.

He could hear the ocean night by night and once he heard somebody saying that the ocean never sleeps. This was so contrary to his wife who was able to sleep soundly while the sea never got tired at all. He was holding her and his hopes that the future would help to get over anxieties and fears was up. He was holding her, smelling the strawberry of her hair, the lavender on her skin. He was holding her thinking how much he actually loved her and will always do – even when she was freaking out like the days before. If he wouldn't care, his stuff would have been packed long ago. Maybe it has always seen her skin, her eyes, her hair, her gentle touch that made him stay.

In his arms she slept the whole night and he had time to study her profile – simple, classic, Roman.

Give her a white toga and she still would enlighten the room. Give her a potato sack and she will look like Miss America.

There were times, holding her tight to his body, he couldn't believe that he let her slip away a first time in New York and pushed her away in Seattle. His brain didn't seem to be able to make this process work. He was in a state of shock when he found them having sex but on the other side it had probably only been a matter of time till she would have packed her stuff and moved out. But on the other hand she was a girl from Connecticut and those don't get divorced easily. That's simple not their lifestyle. Maybe she would have slept with Mark more often and maybe he would have cared less and less about coming home but they would have stayed married.

Seattle was another kind of soup. In the beginning things with Meredith were passionate because they were forbidden – he was her boss and he was married. When Addison suddenly arrived out of nowhere, without any announcement, his love – and yes, it was love – became a burden but it was still forbidden and forbidden things are the most interesting ones, as long as they are not allowed. As soon as you are free to do so, things usually tend to cool down. And work got more important again.

Like back in New York.

And now, newly married, he realized that maybe he never had been out of love, never ever. Maybe he had loved her less and hated her for jumping into bed with Mark but he still loved her. If not, he would have stayed in New York, got her into a nasty divorce, made it public to the media. But he hadn't been able to do so, he only wanted to not see her again – to make the pain go away.

This very night she didn't move a lot. Her hest was resting on his bare chest, her hand over his heard, one of her legs tangled with his.

Being asleep she looked to helpless, vulnerable. Soft. She always played the strong but deep inside she wasn't. It was only the way she was raised, the way her parents made her to be. Never doubt a Forbes-Montgomery.

Deep inside she got hurt like everybody has in her or his life. Deep inside she is a woman like every other – with hopes and needs.

Naomi's Birthday celebration had been a really nice party. They hadn't been talking about the incident the day before anymore because Derek decided that maybe it was time to give her some time. But on the other hand they were running out of time talking to Naomi. She knew that he wanted but Addison had to come herself, nevertheless it was her body they were talking about.

The day after the party was spent at the beach, Maya playing in the sand with the kids while Addison tried to read a book, sitting in a sun chair.

"You feeling any better," Derek asked nervously. She had been a little sick the last days, had a sore throat and was just feeling unwell – he blamed it on her adventure trip through the rainstorm.

"I am not sure. I still feel kind of crap as soon as I try to stand up." He looked into her eyes and she looked tired, more than usual. Derek had held her all night but sleep didn't come for him, too many things were going through his head. Without words she moved to the side and let him sit down, he pulled her onto his lap, threw the blanket over both of them and she snuggled under his chin.

"You want to head home?" But she wasn't able to hear him anymore because she had fallen asleep.

For more than an hour he was sitting there with his wife sleeping against his body. It would be a lie to say that he was comfortable but he loved the way her chest was raising and falling when she was breathing, that she let him hold her tightly. She just gave everything she could offer in the very moment.

Maybe he shouldn't be asking for more because it was all she could give. She was not feeling well; she had been different since she found out that he was interesting in having another child. Why did he do this to her? Why did he try to put this burden onto her nowadays already motherly shoulders?

They had everything they ever wanted; at least that's what he was thinking.

"Has she been talking to you," Derek asked Naomi after the dinner they shared together at Sam's house. The black woman only shook her head.

"You could ask her to visit me tomorrow at the practice."

"Do you think that …"

"Don't think too much, Derek, just ask her." He nodded. He would.

The kids were tightly asleep on Sam's sofa when they rose to head to their house, Addison's house.

She carried Oliver while Derek took care of his beloved Lilian. They were tucked into their beds quickly.

Conversation over dinner had been light, nothing in particular. Naomi wanted to know everything about the twins and Sam asked about hospital developments. He tried to take an eye on his wife, that she ate something and not drink too much. Addison didn't drink a single glass of wine, only water.

Nobody seemed to care why but Naomi noticed it, shot Derek a look, letting him know she noticed.

While Addison was standing on the sink, only wearing her underwear – a dark blue lace bra with a matching tong – Derek came up behind her. She didn't seem to notice his move because she suddenly felt startled. Their eyes met in the mirror. Addison smiles vaguely. Derek let his arms close around her nearly naked form and press his body against hers. Letting his chin rest against her shoulder.

"I love you," he said and closed his eyes for a moment. Her hands wandered to his and wrapped them. "I love you too," she nearly whispered.

He held her and didn't plan on letting her go but she wiggled a little bit with her hips to get out of his grip.

"Let me go to bed, Derek?"

"I don't want to let you go."

"Derek …."

"Let me hold you a little longer."

"In bed?"

"Okay," he replied and let go off her. She moved to bed, changed on her way into a nightie – he didn't plan on letting her wear it for a very long time. After his bathroom routine he crawled under the comforter and wanted to move her hips against his but noticed that she didn't move.

"Addie," he asked. "Addie?"

He hovered over her and noticed that her eyes were closed, her breathing even – she was already

asleep.

Derek laid on his back, hands under his head. Thinking.

She had never been like this. She didn't feel comfortable being held – at least that's what she let him know. She didn't like being touched today. Usually she, at least, let him hold her when he wanted.

Maybe she wanted distance and he was willing to give her space and time.

But he wanted to let his fingers dance over her skin, wanted to feel her nipples pucker under his finger tips. He wanted to breath against her skin, make goose pumps. He wanted to lick from her belly button up to the space between her breast. He longed to smell her, taste her, feel her. But? She was soundly asleep, softly snoring.

He didn't notice that his fingers were playing with her nipples, being far, far away – still in thoughts.

He didn't notice that her moans, her small whispers. But when his hand was suddenly enveloped by a female one, helping it find its way over her belly between her legs, he came back from the other world. His wife still had his back to him but he finally saw her softly opened mouth, her tightly shut eyes. Her nightdress was up to her hip and his hand had been guided to the softness. Their hands moved together. He heard her moans, sucked on her neck and let his fingers curl and uncurl in her soft wetness.

She mumbled his name, over and over again. And he loved the sound of her voice especially when it was his name.

"Derek … don't stop …."

"I intend to make you come."

"Please Derek …."

And within seconds she came, not soft but hard, screaming his name. He wanted more but probably she wasn't about to give him satisfaction. He let his hands move towards her belly before he turned away and laid back.

During the same night he was woken by a wetness enveloping him, sucking him. Doing things to him he hadn't thought somebody would do – wake him by giving him a head. He couldn't open his eyes but he longed to see Addison's red hair moving up and down on him. He wanted to see it.

"Addison, stop for a second."

She didn't. Of course she didn't, he thought. She wanted to torture him and this was torture or was it a dream? The best dream of his life?

The perfect lips of hers were moving up and down, his tongue was doing things …. He couldn't think describe it. He couldn't think about the fact that she even was doing it.

"God, Addison ... I love you … I love you so much."

But when she was suddenly letting her hand massage his testicles it was over.

When he opened his eyes again, her head was resting on his belly and there was a smile dancing on her lips. His hands touched her shoulders and pulled her up. He kisses her, finally felt her lips on his.

"I love you Addison not just for doing what you just did but for being who you are."

She kissed him.

Later she softly whispered into his ear, "Derek, you have no clue how much I love you and how much I want to have a baby with you."


	24. Chapter 24

But matter of fact was that the next morning arrived and they had to face the facts, the appointment with Naomi.

Derek told himself that he would love her, if she would be able to have a child or not, he wouldn't care. He would love her. Through good and through bad times. And through the worst.

Addison was, of course, nervous and he wasn't able to help it. Every moment he touched her, she moved a little further away and even the twins were no help. Lilian started crying and Addison didn't stop pacing up and down the room, she let her cry. Even when the little girl walked towards her, tugged at her skirt, Addison acted like she didn't notice her. She was in another world. Far, far away.

"You know that this is going to be very cold," Naomi said before putting the gel onto Addison s belly. Derek was holding her hand, sitting next to her. He didn't want to look onto the monitor, didn't want to know if the possibility to have a child with her together, be biological parents, will be maybe gone forever.

But he noticed that Addison s eyes were closed, her breathing even. When they entered the room she said to Derek that she couldn't change the outcome at all so he would have to live with it. He knew that he would.

So many things were going through his head in this very moment. Why would Addison think that he would love her less if she couldn't get pregnant. They haven't been pregnant when they were married the first time … maybe this was exactly the answer to his question. Maybe she was afraid that he would run again, stay away from home, turning into a workaholic. But on the other side, he told himself, he has the most amazing wife waiting at home and two amazing kids, why would he turn in such an idiot again?

But who can look into the future and swear that it would never happen again?  
Through good and through bad times, he is telling himself, while Naomi is studying the ultrasound clips.

"Be honest Naomi, please" Addison suddenly said and the tension was even rising.

"You want me to be honest with you? Well, I think that you aren't a very good doctor."

"What the fuck are you talking about," Derek said quite harshly to one of his oldest friends.

"See yourself," she replied and pulled the monitor over so both, Derek and Addison, would be able to study it.

"How is it possible?"

Abruptly tears were running down Addison s cheeks, her breathing got heavy and she was nearly hyperventilating.

Derek couldn't believe what he just saw.

"Are you sure Naomi?"

"I would say six weeks. How could you have missed it Addison? I mean you know your body, your period … I mean …"

Nobody answered her. Derek held Addison tightly against his chest and both let the now happy tears stream down their face. He had been afraid of the out come afraid of so many things but never thought that they already could be pregnant. His wife was pregnant. Pregnant. Addison. Addison was pregnant.

He started to kiss her and if Naomi wouldn't have interrupted them maybe more would have happened. Just the idea of Addison carrying his baby turned him on; the idea of having a real family, of her giving this to him fulfilled him with love for her.

"You have no clue, how much I love you Addie," he whispered into her ear while holding her tightly against his chest.

Addison changed out of her paper gown into her white jeans and the green tunic while he was sitting there, the ultrasound pictures in his hands.

"I cannot believe it," Derek mumbled softly.

"It's a miracle Derek, it is. You have to take care of her. She has to take it easy. Not just with the kids but also with work. Light schedule, less night shifts. It's a high risk pregnancy because of her age and her medical history of miscarriage. You have to watch over her. We all know how she gets if she is busy – she has to eat regularly, three times a day, healthy food – fruits, vegetables, fish and meat. I know she isn't the big meat eater but it has to be. No coffee, no alcohol and not much sweet stuff. No carrying around of the kids if it hasn't to be and not too much sport."

"I know Naomi, I know. I will look after her. She knows that its high risk, I am sure because of all the things you just said. God, we already lost …" He thought about the fact that he didn't knew about the miscarriages when they got divorced, not about the emotional roller coaster she had been through. But this time would be different, this time …

Standing on the porch in front of the water he studied his wife, how she let her toe curl in the sand. It seemed still so unreal to both of them. If he wouldn't have asked Naomi three times, started at the printouts and just would have been there, he still wouldn't believe that she was already pregnant with his child. A little Shepherd.

"You have to talk to me again one day …" Derek said holding a glass of pineapple juice in his hand, one of her favorites. But she didn't reply. He wanted her to talk. He wanted her to stop closing him out. He wanted his Addison back, his furious, hot headed redhead, the one woman he ever really fell in love with.

He walked towards her, letting his arm wander around her waist, pressing his chest against her back, nestling his nose into her strawberry scented hair.

She didn't move.

She didn't say a word.

She only stared at the powerful sea. The waves. The sun going down on the horizon.

"I love you," he whispered into her ear, pressing his lips against her neck softly.

No reply.

No move.

Derek felt helpless. He thought that a result like this would make her overly joyful. Bring the happiness back but it didn't seem this way. It's been only eight hours since Naomi told her that she was pregnant and Derek hadn't heard a word from her since they left the practice.

He wanted to smack her, kick her, see if she was still alive, if his Addison was still in this body but he knew that pushing her wouldn't bring anything.

Maybe they stood there for an hour maybe even longer. He had his hands around her, holding her, pressing his own body against hers, feeling her.

Suddenly he felt a body quivering.

She was crying.

Crying for good, tears were rolling down her face. He could tell because his was resting on her shoulder. He didn't ask why. There was no need for it. She had needed time to realize that her dream may come true, their flesh and blood. The most intimate thing you can share and hand on – their genes.

He knew that he wasn't allowed to press her into his overly motherly form over the next few months. He knew that he had to take extra care of her because if the miscarriages before.  
He knew that he longed to ask her to stop working at Seattle Grace this very moment and stay home, relax, only take care about herself. He would pay for two extra nannies, he would pay for everything but he knew too well that this wouldn't be his Addison, that his Addison would want to work because she loved her job, she loved to help and save babies. And their mothers.

He held her and let her tears drop.

He held her while she sobbed.

Finally, finally she turned around and pressed her face into his chest, showing him that he was important. He let his hand move up and down her back, smoothing her sobs a little bit.

"Have I told you today how much I love you," he whispered into her ear.

Her sobbing, quivering suddenly stopped.

"Oh god, Derek, I am so sorry."

"Honey why are you sorry? You made me so happy today."

"I didn't notice it."

"It so early Addie."

"And I did all those crazy things … I mean …"

"Stop it Addie. We didn't know it. That's enough. We know it now and I will take care of you. We …"

"What if we lose it again?"

"We won't Addie, I will take care of it.

"How can you …"

"I will take care of you baby. You really have no clue how much I love you. How much I am willing to give everything up to take care of you and this unborn baby."

"I don't want you to give anything up."

"I know."

They spent the last days in Los Angeles and argued about selling the beach house or not because they never came up at all and somebody had to take care of the building. In the end Addison talked to Charlotte and they agreed that she would rent it from her because she was looking for something new anyway. Addison was happy, smiled all day and Derek just loved the way she smiled, laughed and was happy.

Watching her brush her hair the first day back in Seattle drove him absolutely crazy. Like a rock in his shoe. He couldn't help himself. She was standing there in black cotton shorts and a grayish tank and brushed her hair. He couldn't stop watching. He couldn't stop the way he felt. He couldn't stop watching her do the simplest things.

She drove him crazy. Like no one else. He couldn't help himself anymore.

Just watching her brush her hair, something that simple, made him get hard. Some people may say that he was obsessed with her. He'd agree.

"You are staring," she said softly while removing the mascara.

"I know," Derek said with a smile on his lips. She had noticed.

"Why are you staring?"

"Because I love to watch you, you should know that."

She smiled in return, eventually knowing by now that he loved every move she made.

When she turned around and slowly walked towards him, he wanted her more than ever before. He couldn't find the right words to tell her what he felt in the very moment but he knew that it was so much more than a couple of weeks before. He never wanted to step away from her side anymore, always wanted to be next to her. Breathe the same air. Feel the same win on the on the naked body. Smell the same things.

Derek was sitting on the bed, studying her movements closely.

She stepped between his legs; let her hands rest on his shoulders while he pressed his face against her chest. He was able to hear her heart beat loud, fast. He even got more aroused by this so simple move.

She arouses him nowadays just by breathing the same air.

She was driving him crazy.

She was his death.  
Especially when she was kissing his nose, pushing his chin up to touch his lips with hers, outlining his with her tongue, asking for entrance.  
She was his death when she was pushing him back on the bed, unclothing him and taking him into her luscious mouth. In moments like this he forgot to breath.

"God, Addison … I will love you till the end of days," were the only words that were escaping his mouth when he came.

~~~FIN ~~~

_A/N: Thanks everybody for reading those 24 chapters. Yeah, it's finished. I know maybe the end is a little abrupt for some of you but I thought that going on from here would be a story of its own. The main problems of their marriage are solved and maybe there will be a happily ever after, maybe not, who knows?_


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